•  V 


111  11  it 


George  Horace  Lorimer 


in 

III  Illlli  llUlli 


ill 


3   1822  01268  3405 


Jack  Spurlock-Prodigal 

By 

GEORGE  HORACE  LORIMER 


Author  of  "Old  Gorgon  Graham"  and  "Letters 
from     a     Self-made    Merchant    to    His    Son." 

Illustrated  by 
F.  R,  GRUGER 


New  York 

Doubleday,  Page  &  Company 
1908 


COPYRIGHT,  1906,  BY 
THE  CURTIS  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


COPYRIGHT,  1907,  ipo8,  BY 
GEORGE  HORACE  LORIMER 


COPYRIGHT,  1908,  BY 

DOUBLEDAY,  PAGE  &  COMPANY 

PUBLISHED,  MAY,  1908 


ALL   RIGHTS   RESERVED 

INCLUDING  THAT  OF  TRANSLATION  INTO  FOREIGN  LANGUAGES 
INCLUDING  THE  SCANDINAVIAN 


ENTERED  AT  STATIONERS'  HALL 


TO  A.  V.  L. 
WHO  FINDS   SOME   GOOD  IN  JACK 


PEOPLE  IN  THE  BOOK 

JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL. 

JONAS  SPURLOCK.  The  father  of  Jack.  President 
of  Consolidated  Groceries;  possessor  of  a  rail 
road,  and  a  member  of  "The  System." 

MAJOR  GEORGE  MAGOFFIN  JACKSON.  Lately  a 
soldier  of  the  Confederacy;  now  a  soldier  of 
Fortune  and  an  implacable  foe  of  "the  Hell 
hounds  of  the  System." 

ANITA  GREY.  The  daughter  of  poor,  but  very 
smart  parents,  who  are  trying  to  make  ends 
meet  on  the  income  of  a  million  in  a  set  where 
the  million  should  be  the  income. 

LORD  FROTHINGHAM.     An  American  nobleman. 

Miss  ROBY.     A  Southern  lady  of  the  old  school. 

JIM  DURHAM.  An  advertising  man  of  the  new 
school. 

HANDY.     A  "square"  gambler. 

RAWDEN.     President  of  the  Trouble  Trust. 

Also  introducing  a  Dancing  Bear;  a  Teddy-bear; 
various  members  of  the  New  and  of  the  Old  Rich; 
of  the  Worthy  and  of  the  Unworthy  Poor. 


vu 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

I.     In    which    the    Prodigal    Introduces 

Himself       .....       3 
II.     In  which  the  Prodigal  Describes  His 

Life  in  the  Galleys        .          .          .22 

III.  In    which    the    Prodigal    Gives    the 

Governor  the  Direct  Command      .     38 

IV.  In  which  the  Prodigal  Meets  the  Most 

Beautiful  One      .          .          .          -63 
V.     In  which  the   Prodigal   Reaches  the 

Last  Ditch  .          .          .          -83 

VI.     In  which  the  Prodigal  Meets  a  Benev 
olent  Old  Gentleman  .          .    107 
VII.     In  which  the  Prodigal  Has  a  Surpris 
ing  Adventure      .          .          .          .    134 
VIII.     In    which    the    Prodigal    Spends    a 

Pleasant  Evening          .          .          .168 
IX.     In  which  the   Prodigal  Goes  to  the 

Rescue  of  Beauty  in  Distress  .          .189 
X.     In  which  the  Prodigal  Helps  Collect  a 

Little  Bill 235 

XI.     In  which  the  Prodigal  Gets  a  Job         .   260 
XII.     In  which  the  Prodigal  Goes  Home       .    296 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

She  sniffed  and  sat  down  on  it      .     Frontispiece 

"  I  tink  I  puy  mein  groceries  from  a  house  dot 
haf  young  mans  mit  respegdt  for  deir 
gustomers"  .  .  .  .  .  36 

"Nevermind  all  that,  Jack"          .          .          -44 
"Stop  that  strike,   Dad!"  .          .          -54 

"An'  when  she  asked  fo'  a  place  in  the  May 
day  Dance,  the  insultin'  hound  of  a  manager 
allowed  that  she  could  be  the  May-pole"  136 

I  had  a  sickening  certainty  that  the  Major 
would  furnish  the  corpse  .  .  .184 

"An  exceedin'ly  nutritious  and  gentlemanly 
repast"  ......  236 

I  've  dined  with  them  when  Lord  Strathmore's 
old  butler  passed  the  poulet  rbti  as  if  he 
were  handing  around  a  platter  of  insults  .  268 


JACK  SPURLOCK-PRODIGAL 


JACK  SPURLOCK- PRODIGAL 

CHAPTER  I 

IN   WHICH   THE     PRODIGAL    INTRODUCES     HIMSELF 

MY  EXPULSION  from  Harvard  came  as 
a  complete  surprise  to  me,  though  I 
had  rather  expected  to  be  dropped  for  low 
stand  and  was  working  three  tutors  to  the  bone, 
trying  to  move  up  a  few  parasangs  to  the  position 
of  foot  of  my  class.  But  I  was  ruled  off  the  course 
before  I  could  achieve  my  proud  ambition.  It 's 
rather  a  satisfaction,  now  that  I  look  back  on  it, 
to  think  that,  even  if  I  did  do  some  things  of 
which  I  'm  ashamed,  I  helped  three  deserving 
young  chaps  to  work  their  way  through  college. 
When  my  case  came  up  before  the  faculty, 
it  was  horse  and  horse  between  the  professors 
who  wanted  to  drop  me  for  low  stand  and  those 
who  wanted  to  expel  me  for  high  jinks.  Prexy 
compromised  it  in  his  usual  tactful  way  by  drop 
ping  me  first  and  expelling  me  afterward  —  lifted 
me  out  with  a  drop  kick.  He  was  awfully  nice 
about  it  —  expressed  his  regret  with  just  the 
proper  shade  of  disapproval  of  me  in  his  voice, 

3 


4       JACK   SPURLOCK  -  PRODIGAL 

and  presented  me  with  the  Citrus  Limonum  done 
up  in  such  choice  language  that  I  felt  as  if  it 
were  more  than  I  should  accept  from  a  compara 
tive  stranger,  but  when  I  got  outside  and  took 
the  wrappings  off,  I  found  that  he  had  handed 
me  the  lemon  just  the  same.  When  it  comes  to 
beautiful  thoughts,  baked  to  a  crisp  brown  in 
hot  air,  Prexy  is  the  Savarin  of  the  human 
intellect.  It 's  rather  curious,  when  one  stops  to 
think  of  it,  that  a  professor  should  chide  a  fellow 
for  low  stand.  He  's  like  a  dentist  I  knew  once, 
who  thoughtlessly  kicked  on  the  bad  breaths  of 
his  patients,  without  stopping  to  reflect  that  the 
worse  the  breath  the  more  business  for  him. 

They  really  had  no  right  to  expel  me.  [I  was 
simply  an  innocent  bystander,  a  looker-on  in 
Vienna,  the  victim  of  a  cruel  misunderstanding, 
though  I  was  n't  able  to  make  anyone  believe  it. 
It  all  began  one  afternoon  when  I  jumped  out 
of  bed  with  my  merry  morning  face,  and  opened 
the  bathroom  door.  I  shut  it  —  quick  —  be 
tween  me  and  trouble.  For  there  by  the  tub, 
licking  up  a  cake  of  tar  soap,  stood  a  large  black 
bear,  with  boxing-gloves  on  her  forepaws  and 
a  shy,  sweet,  Diana-surprised-at-the-bath  ex 
pression  on  her  face.  Psychology  was  one  of 
my  favourite  studies,  and  I  noticed  with  a  shock 
of  surprise  that,  all  recorded  experience  to  the 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL         5 

contrary,  I  did  not  feel  that  this  was  the  time 
to  swear  off.  Instead,  I  reached  behind  my  set 
of  Emerson  and  took  a  mild  snort.  And  I 
decided  that  some  day,  after  I  had  had  more  of 
my  share,  I  should  write  a  monograph  on  these 
phenomena. 

A  moment's  reflection  convinced  me  that  this 
was  no  great  moral  lesson.  The  way  in  which 
the  bear  was  getting  the  taste  of  the  night  before 
out  of  her  muzzle  with  a  tar-soap  shampoo 
settled  that.  But  why  the  mitts  ?  And  why  a 
bear  at  all  ?  Why  not  a  cow  with  red  stockings  ? 
It  was  a  knotty  one,  so  I  took  another,  and  settled 
down  to  see  if  I  could  find  out  just  where  Ursus 
minor  had  butted  into  my  quiet,  studious  life. 

The  night  before  had  begun  with  money  from 
home.  It  had  come  —  by  way-train  —  in  re 
sponse  to  a  special-delivery  touch  on  the  Governor 
for  a  few  hundreds  with  which  to  round  out  the 
quarter  symmetrically.  These  lopsided  quarters, 
that  begin  like  one  of  Coal  Oil  Johnny's  nights, 
and  wind  up  like  one  of  John  D.  Rockefeller's 
days,  bewilder  a  man's  stomach  and  finally  make 
it  cross.  The  Governor's  letter  had  pained  me 
deeply,  for,  though  he  had  coughed  up,  he  had 
done  it  with  a  hacking,  congested  sound.  And 
yet,  since  he  had  emigrated  from  Akron,  with 
his  little  bundle  of  Consolidated  Groceries  pre- 


6        JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

ferred  slung  over  his  back,  and  had  had  his 
Sunday-school-superintendent  whiskers  trimmed 
down  to  the  captain-of-industry  length,  he  had 
kept  half  of  Wall  Street  sleeping  with  its  fortune 
under  the  pillow.  His  clean-up  in  Consolidated 
Groceries  was  so  big  that  the  men  who  chipped 
into  his  game  out  West  call  him  "Con"  Spur- 
lock  to  this  day;  but  he  had  turned  some  new 
ones  since  which  made  that  look  like  an  allowance 
for  the  children.  It  did  seem  that  the  easier 
he  got  it,  the  harder  he  let  go.  He  was  a  fond 
parent  all  right,  but,  apparently,  it  was  money 
he  was  fond  of. 

After  I  had  cashed  in,  I  started  down  town 
by  myself  for  an  evening  of  quiet  introspection. 
"Look  within,"  as  Marcus  Aurelius  so  finely 
expresses  it  in  the  sixth  book  of  his  Thoughts: 
"Let  neither  the  peculiar  quality  of  anything 
nor  its  value  escape  thee;"  so  it  was  me  for  the 
contemplative  stunts.  I  found  Philosophy  a 
queer  study.  It  was  easy  enough  to  begin,  but 
it  was  awfully  hard  to  continue.  For  first  you 
had  to  go  broke,  and  then  you  had  to  learn  how 
to  feel  sorry  for  the  boys  with  the  coin.  I  got 
frightfully  twisted  about  it  sometimes. 

I  stood  the  show  at  the  Athenaeum  till  a  fine 
antique,  with  genuine  Chippendale  legs,  came  out 
and  began  to  sing,  "They  Are  Sitting  up  with 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL        7 

Sister,  Oh!  He  Spurned  a  Loving  Heart,"  winding 
up  each  verse  with  a  rush  of  grief  to  the  feet. 
First  she  'd  reach  for  him  out  in  the  wings,  and 
then  up  over  her  head.  If  she  could  have  landed 
on  him  just  once  with  either  hooflet,  sister  would 
have  been  avenged. 

It  was  one  of  those  shows  which  you  take  two 
drinks  after,  and  then  a  third,  slower.  That 
got  me  to  the  Touraine.  Then,  after  profound 
thought,  I  remembered  a  lobster  in  the  Dutch 
Room,  but  no  bear;  and  when  we  were  turned 
cut  —  I  had  met  Monty  Applethorpe  there, 
one  of  the  Salem  Applethorpes  —  fine,  old  New 
England  family  that  sold  rum  in  the  fifth  genera 
tion  and  buys  it  in  the  ninth  —  I  remembered 
our  going  over  to  the  Common  and  thanking  the 
Shaw  statue  for  his  public  services;  and  Monty's 
crying  because  the  days  when  a  man  could  lay 
down  his  life  for  the  flag  were  gone;  and  standing 
there  singing,  "My  Country,  'tis  of  Thee"  — 
Monty's  specialty,  when  he  got  a  few  in  him, 
was  patriotism  —  till  a  cop  told  us  to  scat  or 
he  'd  pinch  us.  And  I  remembered  wringing 
the  hand  of  John  L.  Sullivan  in  an  all-night 
hotel  and  telling  him  that  if  our  colleges  laid  more 
emphasis  on  training  our  youth  in  the  manly 
art,  Americans  would  be  a  hardier  and  more 
resourceful  race;  and  somebody's  yelling,  "Trun 


8        JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

out  them  Ha'voids";  and  then  dusting  off  my 
trousers  as  I  got  up  off  the  sidewalk  and  hailed 
a  seeing-Boston  cab. 

I  did  n't  just  remember  buying  the  stack  of 
blues,  but  I  still  had  a  few  of  them  left  when  the 
next  rift  in  the  clouds  came  and  the  pure  light 
of  reason  shone  through.  And  I  remembered 
laughing  heartily  at  seeing  everyone  jump  up 
and  begin  to  climb  a  rope-ladder  to  the  roof; 
and  I  remembered  that  laugh's  dying  away  in  a 
sucking  sound  when  I  looked  around  and  saw  a 
big,  brutal  cop  holding  Monty  by  his  left  ear 
and  just  reaching  for  mine. 

I  started  in  to  explain  that  we  were  students 
of  Sociology,  out  gathering  material  for  our  theses, 
but  the  cop  interrupted  with,  "Cut  it  out  —  it's 
students  of  diviltry  ye  are!"  which  was  a  fairly 
sagacious  observation  for  a  cop. 

Then  I  remembered  Monty's  saying  in  a  quiet, 
dignified  way,  "Here's  my  card,"  and  beginning 
to  explain  that  he  was  one  of  the  Salem  —  but 
the  cop  cut  that  out,  too,  which  was  lucky  for 
Monty,  because  by  the  time  he  had  reached  the 
station-house,  he  had  had  another  think  and  had 
decided  that  he  was  one  of  the  Jamaica  Plain 
Joneses  —  a  sensible  bit  of  self-effacement.  I 
had  my  second  guess  on  the  spot,  and  slipped  a 
twenty  in  the  cop's  hand,  with  "Here's  my  card, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL         9 

sergeant";  and  he  suddenly  grew  very  polite 
and  answered,  "  I  see  there  's  been  a  mistake  in 
your  case,  professor";  and  he  took  me  down  to 
the  basement  door  and  said  to  the  cop  on  guard, 
"One  of  them  Ha'voids,"  and  to  me,  "Hump 
yourself!" 

I  humped  myself,  and  that  was  where  I  got 
separated  from  Monty.  The  Salem  Applethorpes 
pride  themselves  on  being  awfully  simple  in  their 
tastes,  in  spite  of  their  wealth,  and  I  suppose 
Monty  figured  that  it  would  be  cheaper  to  pay 
a  fine  than  to  tip  the  sergeant.  If  you  're  a  Salem 
Applethorpe,  you  can  be  a  tight  wad  and  people 
will  only  say  that  you  dislike  vulgar  ostentation, 
or  you  can  blow  it  and  they  '11  call  you  a  bon 
vivant  and  a  connoisseur.  But  when  you  're 
just  two  years  out  from  Akron,  and  button  up, 
people  say  that  you  smell  with  all  that  tainted 
money  about  your  person;  or  if  you  loosen  up  to 
purify  yourself  with  good  works,  they  don't  give 
the  credit  to  you,  but  to  your  guilty  conscience; 
or  if  you  start  in  to  reduce  the  surplus  with  good 
times,  they  call  you  a  cheap  spender. 

There  were  a  few  poor  films  in  the  roll  along 
here,  for  the  next  thing  I  remembered  was  waking 
up  in  a  car  at  Harvard  Square,  and  that  was  where 
the  bear  came  into  the  kinetoscope. 

A   dago   was    leading   her   across   the   square, 


io      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

taking  her  home,  I  suppose,  after  showing  her 
off.  She  was  a  boxing  bear,  one  of  the  sort  that 
stands  up  and  has  a  go  with  her  master  for  the 
amusement  of  the  thoughtless,  and  she  still  had 
the  mitts  on  her  paws.  It  struck  me  as  awfully 
pathetic  that  an  animal  which  had  been  born 
to  the  glad,  free  life  of  the  wild  should  be  degraded 
that  way,  and  have  to  work  nights  putting  up  her 
dukes  for  a  pittance  of  spaghetti  money.  So  I 
stopped  the  dago  and  reproved  him  sternly  for 
keeping  a  bear  up  so  late.  He  rolled  out  some 
rare  old  Roman  curses  that  sounded  as  if  they 
might  have  been  used  by  the  populace  in  the 
Colosseum.  They  were  new  ones  to  me,  and  I 
almost  forgot  the  bear  in  encouraging  the  dago 
to  dig  deeper  into  the  dead  past.  Then  somehow, 
as  the  talk  slackened,  it  came  to  me  as  a  happy 
inspiration  that  while  the  city  of  Boston  had  the 
magnificent  Arnold  Arboretum,  it  was  shy  of 
bears  with  which  to  stock  it.  I  would  buy  this 
denizen  of  the  forest,  and  bring  a  little  sunshine 
into  its  sad  life  by  liberating  it  next  day  in  the 
Arboretum,  there  to  start  a  herd  and  pass  its 
declining  years  in  the  old,  wild  way.  It  's  strange 
how  a  few  passed  over  the  larynx  will  mellow 
and  expand  our  rude  Anglo-Saxon  speech,  but 
I  was  thinking  in  just  that  kind  of  language. 
I  forgot  some  more  along  here,  but  I  must 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       1 1 

have  bought  the  bear,  all  right,  for  when  I  reached 
up  and  felt  for  my  roll  in  my  waistcoat  pocket, 
I  found  that  what  the  tiger  had  n't  got,  the  bear 
had. 

As  Epictetus  quite  sagely  observes  in  the 
Enchiridion,  "Men  are  disturbed  not  by  the 
things  which  happen,  but  by  the  opinions  about 
the  things,"  and  that  was  me  right  then.  I  was 
not  entirely  lacking  in  filial  feeling,  for  I  re 
proached  myself  bitterly  for  having  locked  up  the 
Governor's  good  money  in  so  slow  an  asset  as  a 
boxing  bear.  Of  course  I  might  have  realised 
if  I  could  have  stayed  by  the  bear  market.  But 
I  was  like  the  bank  cashier  who,  in  answer  to  a 
hurry-call  from  his  wife  to  get  rich  quick,  loaded 
up  with  Steel  Common  at  fifty,  only  to  find  the 
toboggan  greased  and  the  bank  examiner  at  the 
door.  It  was  up  to  me  to  do  something  quick. 
Already  little  brown  eyes,  having  licked  up  the 
last  of  the  tar-soap  lather,  was  emitting  low, 
horrid  growls.  This  I  took  to  be  the  signal  for 
feeding  the  carnivora. 

I  could  n't  wash,  and  I  could  n't  shave,  but 
I  hustled  into  my  clothes,  figuring  that  if  I  could 
find  food  enough,  I  could  keep  her  quiet  until 
twelve  or  one  that  night,  when  I  could  snake 
her  out  and  lose  her  up  the  nearest  dark  alley. 

But    I    did  n't    know   what    bears    would    eat. 


iz      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

Strange  how  little  help  a  college  education  is  in 
the  practical  crises  of  life.  I  hunted  through 
Thompson  Seton's  Biography  of  a  Grizzly,  which 
happened  to  be  on  the  table,  and  found  that  his 
bear  liked  berries,  but  they  were  not  for  my  little 
pet  in  the  state  of  the  privy  purse,  for  strawberries 
were  coming  from  lower  Florida  and  then 
some  by  water,  and  my  darling  was  good  for  a 
crate  before  she  moved  up  to  the  breakfast-food 
course. 

Suddenly  I  remembered  something  I  'd  heard 
once,  when  I  was  out  on  Uncle  Bill's  ranch  in 
Colorado,  about  bears  just  lapping  up  sweet 
things.  So  I  grabbed  an  empty  suit-case,  hiked 
over  to  the  square,  and  bought  five  pounds  of 
candy.  On  the  way  home  I  stopped  at  a 
livery-stable  and  stuffed  the  suit-case  with  hay. 
I  took  a  chance  on  that,  because  it 's  filling,  and 
most  big  animals  like  to  tuck  it  away  and  make 
spit-balls  of  it  when  there  's  nothing  else  to  do. 

I  did  n't  get  back  a  moment  too  soon.  The 
bear  was  growling  so  fiercely  that  I  could  hear 
her  out  in  the  hall.  At  any  moment  someone 
who  would  want  explanations  might  happen  along. 
Of  course,  there  's  nothing  criminal  about  keeping 
a  bear  in  your  bathroom,  but  it  's  a  bit  unusual, 
and  I  suppose  I  'm  unduly  sensitive  about  appear 
ing  odd.  Once  inside  I  took  a  handful  of  choco- 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL       13 

lates,  and,  opening  the  bathroom  door  a  crack, 
began  to  call  softly,  "  Bearie,  bearie,  nice  little 
bearie!" 

That  was  where  the  Governor  almost  lost  his 
only  son;  but  I  was  quick  again  and  Battling 
Nelson  only  got  a  mouthful  of  doorknob.  Then, 
for  adversity  was  making  me  a  perfect  Swiss 
Family  Robinson,  I  stood  on  a  chair  and  threw 
the  hay  over  the  transom.  She  sniffed  and  sat 
down  on  it.  I  felt  like  the  Duke's  son  when 
he  has  two  throws  for  the  estates  and  has  just 
shaken  deuces.  I  tried  a  handful  of  chocolate 
creams;  she  shied  off,  came  back  to  smell  —  and 
stayed  to  suck  them  up.  In  a  minute  I  was 
Madame  Zembla,  before  whose  glance  the  proud 
monarchs  of  the  jungle  quail  and  tremble. 

Still  Sappho,  as  I  had  christened  the  sharer 
of  my  modest  apartments,  was  plainly  thirsty, 
but  she  was  between  me  and  the  water  supply. 
That  might  have  discouraged  a  naturalist  or  a 
prohibitionist.  Not  me.  I  looked  in  the  wood- 
box,  found  that  there  were  a  few  left,  and  lowered 
a  bottle  over  the  transom  on  a  string.  Sappho 
was  not  only  an  educated,  but  a  dissipated  bear. 
She  was  on  in  a  minute.  I  had  introduced  the 
suds  to  her  with  a  doubting  heart,  and  it  had  n't 
a  show  in  the  same  room  with  her.  Two  gurgles 
and  a  grunt,  and  she  was  up  to  licking  the  foam 


i4      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

from  her  whiskers,  and  looking  up  in  a  way  that 
said  plainer  than  words:  "You  are  so  good  to 
me." 

I  had  just  passed  down  the  third  bottle  to  her 
and  was  wondering  how  many  it  took  to  make  a 
bear  good-natured,  when  I  woke  up  to  a  rapping 
on  my  door,  and  heard  a  girl's  voice  saying: 
"Knock  louder,  mamma;  he  must  be  in." 

Old  Spinoza  knew  his  business  when  he  laid 
down  Proposition  LXIII.  in  Part  IV.  of  his  Ethics: 
"He  who  is  led  by  fear  to  do  good  that  he  may 
escape  evil,  is  not  guided  by  reason";  but  I  did  n't 
think  of  it  until  a  week  after  Edith  and  her  mother 
had  gone  home.  Instead,  I  remembered  that 
they  were  there  in  response  to  an  invitation  which 
I  had  given  them  to  take  tea  in  my  rooms  that 
afternoon;  and  before  I  could  think  of  anything 
else  to  do  I  had  let  them  in. 

I  looked  next  morning  and  smelt  last  night, 
I  'm  afraid;  and  I  started  right  in  to  talk  very 
fast  and  loud,  because  Sappho  in  the  bathroom 
was  breathing  so  hard  that  I  was  afraid  they 
would  hear  her.  But  they  did  n't  appear  to 
notice  anything  especially  out  of  the  way,  and  I 
had  the  water  almost  boiling,  and  we  were  talking 
of  the  Puvis  de  Chavannes  pictures,  and  the 
influence  of  President  Eliot  on  the  student  body, 
and  all  those  foolish  subjects  which  come  up  if 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       15 

the  girl's  mother  is  along,  when  Sappho  let  out 
a  frightful  snort,  and  followed  that  up  with  a 
series  of  little  gurgly,  grumbly  growls.  Edith 
jumped,  her  mother  started,  and  I  coughed  in 
one  of  those  feeble  attempts  to  change  the  noise. 
It  was  an  awful  moment  and  my  heart  skipped 
two  beats,  but  living  in  that  atmosphere  of  danger 
must  have  quickened  my  faculties,  for  I  explained 
in  an  embarrassed  way  which  made  them  sorry 
they  'd  noticed  the  racket: 

" Plumbing's  all  out  of  order;  beastly  shame 
the  way  they  're  letting  the  buildings  run  down.'* 

They  blushed,  and  it  went.  Sappho  simmered 
off,  and  it  looked  as  if  I  were  going  to  get  away 
with  it,  after  all,  when  bang!  and  an  empty  beer 
bottle  came  through  the  transom  —  and  me 
talking  about  the  Pop.  Concerts  and  the  place 
of  music  in  our  efforts  to  elevate  the  masses.  It 
was  very  embarrassing  for  me  as  hostess.  I  did  n't 
cough  this  time;  I  laughed  —  a  gibbering,  idiot 
laugh,  while  Mamma  got  up,  as  stately  as  the 
Gilt  Dome  and  as  stiff  as  the  Sacred  Codfish. 

"E-dith!" 

"Yes,  mamma." 

"We  must  be  going."  Then  to  me:  "You 
would  better  attend  to  your  plumbing,  young 
man.  It  seems  to  be  growing  playful."  And 
so  they  faded  out  of  my  life  forever. 


16      JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

Oh!  What  a  School  for  Scandalousness!  Com 
promised  by  a  bear  locked  up  in  the  bathroom! 

I  have  n't  done  any  forgetting  about  what 
happened  that  night,  but  let  me  hurry  over  it: 
how  Monty  pounded  on  the  door  and  finally 
gave  it  up  with,  "Off  hitting  it  up  again";  how 
I  fed  Sappho  chocolate  creams,  and  debated 
whether  it  would  jolly  her  along  if  I  opened  more 
beer,  or  give  her  a  head  that  would  make  her 
crosser;  how  at  one  o'clock  I  peeked  through  the 
bathroom  door  and  again  just  escaped  with  my 
life;  how  Sappho,  in  her  disappointment,  tried 
to  climb  over  the  transom  to  get  at  me;  and  how, 
finally,  I  settled  down  in  an  armchair  and  dozed, 
my  sleep  broken  by  horrid  nightmares,  in  which 
Sappho  was  chasing  Edith  through  the  water- 
pipes  into  President  Eliot's  office,  where  she  was 
going  to  complain  that  it  was  n't  healthy  for  me 
to  sleep  in  a  room  with  all  that  sewer  gas. 

I  did  n't  wake  up  until  nine  o'clock,  and  then 
it  was  with  the  determination  to  do  what  I  should 
have  done  when  I  first  discovered  Sappho  —  to 
get  her  out  into  the  hall  and  leave  her  in  any 
room  that  I  found  empty. 

I  heated  the  poker  over  the  spirit  lamp,  filled 
my  pockets  with  chocolates,  opened  the  bath 
room  door,  and  stood  like  the  hero  of  a  three- 
sheet  circus  poster,  waiting  for  the  first  wild 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       17 

spring.  Nothing  sprang.  Instead,  Sappho 
walked  out  like  a  lap-dog,  smelt  of  me  apprecia 
tively,  and  followed  me  into  the  hall.  The  doors 
that  we  passed  were  all  locked,  so  I  dumped  the 
chocolates  on  the  floor  in  the  entry,  and,  as  soon 
as  Sappho  got  busy  with -them,  put  for  my  first 
lecture,  where  I  found  a  secluded  nook  in  the  back 
of  the  classroom. 

The  professor  was  at  the  blackboard  with 
his  back  to  the  class,  doing  stunts  with  the  bino 
mial  theorem,  and  I  was  sitting  there  wondering 
why  he  took  such  a  passionate  interest  in  it, 
when  there  was  a  scuffle  and  a  titter  on  the  other 
side  of  the  room,  and  I  saw  Sappho  sniffing  along 
up  the  aisle.  One  of  the  most  remarkable  exhibi 
tions  of  discipline  that  I  have  ever  seen  followed, 
for  someone  raised  a  warning  hand,  and  all  the 
time  that  Sappho  was  shuffling  toward  the  pro 
fessor  not  a  man  batted  an  eyelid  or  did  a  thing 
to  distract  her  attention. 

Step  by  step  the  bear  progressed.  Step  by 
step  the  professor  demonstrated.  Would  the 
binomial  theorem  hold  out  ?  Would  the  professor 
turn  around  ?  It  was  a  ten  to  one  shot,  but  luck 
was  in  the  saddle. 

It  did;  he  didn't  —  until  Sappho  got  right 
up  behind  him.  Then  he  swung  around  suddenly, 
saw  her,  and  threw  up  his  hands  to  ward  her  off. 


i8      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

What  did  he  do  that  for  if  he  did  n't  want  to 
mix  it  up  ?  Could  n't  he  see  that  she  was  a  trained 
bear  ?  What  did  he  think  she  wore  the  mitts  for  ? 
And  what  did  he  expect  when  he  put  up  his  dukes 
that  way  ?  I  tried  to  tell  him  all  this  afterward, 
but  he  would  n't  listen.  Just  flew  into  a  childish, 
unreasonable  rage. 

Of  course,  Sappho  thought  that  he  wanted  to 
spar  her  a  few  rounds,  and  it  was  anything  to 
oblige  with  her  that  morning.  She  was  certainly 
a  fine  and  dandy  scrapper.  She  came  right  back 
at  him  with  an  upper  cut  which  landed,  and  then 
fetched  him  a  left  hook  under  the  jaw  that  made 
him  take  the  count. 

"Seek  not  that  the  things  which  happen  should 
happen  as  you  wish,"  as  Epictetus  puts  it  in  the 
Enchiridion;  "but  wish  the  things  which  happen 
to  be  as  they  are,  and  you  will  have  a  tranquil 
flow  of  life."  Far  be  it  from  me  knocking  so 
wise  a  guy  as  Epictetus,  but  he  certainly  called 
it  wrong  that  time.  At  least,  I  've  got  evidence 
against  him. 

Why  did  n't  I  run  home  then  and  lock  myself 
in  my  room  ?  Why,  oh  why,  did  I  butt  in  ?  I 
was  one  of  the  first  up  to  the  platform,  one  of 
the  first  to  assist  the  professor  to  his  feet.  And, 
as  I  murmured  sympathetic  words  in  his  ear, 
Sappho  saw  me  and  made  for  me. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      19 

If  she  had  biffed  me  one  it  would  have  been 
all  right,  but  she  simply  fell  on  my  neck  and 
slobbered  all  over  me  with  the  most  extravagant 
demonstrations  of  affection.  It  was  like  hav 
ing  one  of  those  mushy  girls  dead  gone  on 
you  and  trying  to  let  you  see  that  it 's  all  right, 
while  you  wonder  how  you  can  put  her  next  to 
your  loathing  for  her  without  hurting  her  feelings. 
I  unclasped  Sappho's  clinging  arms  roughly, 
but  she  came  back;  I  kicked  her  shins,  and  she 
licked  my  face;  I  explained  that  perhaps  she  was 
a  bear  that  I  had  been  kind  to  when  she  was  a  cub; 
that  all  bears  liked  me;  that  I  possessed  a  strange 
fascination  for  animals,  and  especially  intelligent 
ones.  I  protested  my  innocence;  I  swore  that 
I  had  never  seen  this  bear  before;  that  I  had 
never  in  all  my  life  seen  any  bears  except  stuffed 
ones.  But  the  professor  simply  looked  at  me 
with  the  cold  eye  of  certainty. 

Finally,  I  on  my  dignity  and  Sappho  on  her 
hind  legs,  we  withdrew,  the  whole  class  following 
and  cheering.  They  attended  in  a  body  to  the 
Zoo,  where  I  carried  out  my  original  intention, 
and,  in  a  neat  little  speech,  presented  Sappho 
to  the  City  of  Boston. 

These  are  the  real  facts,  for  I  never  lie  except 
to  help  a  friend  or  to  entertain  a  lady,  but  when 
I  got  back  to  New  York  and  laid  them  before 


20      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

the  Governor,  he,  too,  listened  coldly.  Then  he 
talked  warmly.  I  was  a  good  deal  in  earnest 
myself,  for  while  I  am  no  Cassandra,  and  never 
yell  fire  until  someone  actually  picks  up  the  kero 
sene  can  and  starts  for  Troy,  I  had  an  awful 
premonition  that  I  was  standing  on  the  threshold 
of  the  grocery  business. 

I  carried  myself  quite  proudly  until  I  discovered 
that  the  Governor  really  intended  to  order  me 
into  chains  and  away  to  the  galleys.  Then,  of 
course,  I  tried  to  make  him  see  the  improbability 
and  absurdity  of  the  whole  situation.  I  assured 
him  that  the  idea  of  my  ever  becoming  a  captain 
of  industry  was  preposterous;  that  I  was  sure 
I  could  n't  be  a  captain  of  limited  industry  even, 
but  he  would  n't  listen.  He  was  so  full  of  bear 
that  there  was  no  room  in  him  for  suggestion, 
and  the  only  concession  which  I  could  get  was  a 
change  of  sentence  from  the  Akron  to  the  Chicago 
branch.  That,  a  hundred  for  railway  fare,  and 
some  good  advice  —  at  least  he  said  it  was  good, 
though  it  rang  a  little  hollow  to  me  — •  was  all 
I  took  away  in  exchange  for  half  an  hour  of 
brilliant  repartee  and  cogent  reasoning. 

I  certainly  did  get  conned  at  Harvard.  While 
I  was  there  I  put  in  a  year  of  the  hardest  kind  of 
work  on  logic,  under  the  impression  that  I  could 
go  up  against  the  Governor  with  it  and  get  away 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       21 

with  the  prize  money  right  along.  Yet  the  first 
time  I  made  practical  use  of  it  and  handed  out  a 
syllogism  which  was  a  corker,  containing  major 
and  minor  promises  to  be  good  that  admitted 
of  only  one  conclusion  —  a  thousand  —  the  Gover 
nor  went  dead  against  all  the  rules  which  my 
professor  told  me  must  be  observed  by  every 
reasonable  person,  and  arrived  at  a  feeble  and 
fallacious  hundred  as  the  answer.  That  's  what 
comes  of  arguing  with  anyone  who  has  n't  a 
trained  mind.  Even  when  you  've  got  the  best 
of  him,  he  won't  admit  it.  Even  if  he  's  forced 
to  admit  it,  he's  so  mad  with  you  for  giving  him 
the  worst  of  it  that  he  won't  cough  up  the  fruits 
of  victory.  So  what 's  the  use  ?  I  was  too 
disgusted  to  care  what  happened  to  me  after 
I  saw  how  cheap  the  Governor  held  me,  and  I  took 
the  first  train  for  Chicago. 


CHAPTER  II 

IN   WHICH    THE    PRODIGAL  DESCRIBES  HIS 
LIFE    IN    THE    GALLEYS 

IF  I  owned  a  railroad,  I  'd  have  all  the  trains  run 
ten  miles  an  hour  going  toward  Chicago, 
and  a  hundred  going  away  from  it.  For  the 
hardships  which  I  suffered  there  during  the  next 
two  months  were  simply  incredible.  The  Gover 
nor  would  say,  no  doubt,  that  my  troubles  were 
of  my  own  making,  but  I  'm  sure  that  no  one 
who  knew  me  would  believe  that  I  would  make 
trouble  for  myself.  I  did  n't  have  to.  That 
fellow  Rawden,  who  was  the  head  of  the  Chicago 
branch,  was  ninety-nine  per  cent,  of  the  Trouble 
Trust,  with  malice  toward  all,  with  charity  for 
none. 

I  got  to  Chicago  in  the  afternoon,  and  settled 
myself  in  a  comfortable  room  in  the  Annex; 
for  I  not  only  held  with  Carnegie  that  to  die  rich 
was  to  die  disgraced,  but  I  went  him  one  better 
and  maintained  that  to  live  poor  was  to  live  dis 
graced.  Next  morning  I  rose  at  eight  sharp, 
as  I  had  heard  that  Chicago  was  an  early  town, 
and  I  was  determined  that,  so  long  as  I  was  in 

22 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      23 

Porkopolis,  I  should  do  as  the  porkers  did.  By 
nine  I  was  on  my  way  to  report  to  Rawden.  I 
don't  suppose  that  a  Chicago  cab  ever  carried 
a  load  of  better  intentions,  for  now  that  I  was 
in  for  it,  I  was  determined  to  follow  the  illustrious 
example  of  Tom  Lipton,  and  other  heroes  of 
the  grocery  business,  to  whom  the  Governor  had 
pointed  with  pride  in  our  final  interview.  I 
would  do  something  —  or  somebody,  or  die.  It  's 
lucky  I  had  a  third  guess  which  I  overlooked 
at  the  moment,  or  I  should  be  dead. 

Aside  from  some  loose  ideas  on  the  money 
question,  a  sort  of  B.  C.  Bryanism,  old  Epictetus 
generally  dopes  it  out  right.  I  had  occasionally 
put  my  wad  on  him  and  been  thrown,  but  usually 
he  was  my  one  best  bet.  As  we  passed  a  good- 
looking  hotel,  I  remembered  that  somewhere  in 
the  Enchiridion  he  says:  "When  you  are  going 
to  meet  any  person,  and  particularly  one  of  those 
who  are  considered  to  be  in  a  superior  condition, 
place  before  yourself  what  Socrates  or  Zeno  would 
have  done  in  such  circumstances,  and  you  will 
have  no  difficulty  in  making  a  proper  use  of  the 
occasion."  I  could  n't  quite  remember  what 
Zeno's  specialty  was,  but  I  placed  Socrates  as 
the  boy  who  made  hemlock  famous  as  an  appetiser 
among  the  ancients.  Evidently  it  was  up  to  me 
to  take  a  drink,  if  I  would  make  a  good  first 


24      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

impression,  so  I  stopped  the  cab  and  sopped  up 
a  dry  Martini,  that  being  as  close  as  one  can  get 
to  the  classics  in  Chicago. 

I  was  n't  particularly  struck  with  the  looks 
of  the  branch  when  I  got  there.  The  official 
smell  of  Chicago  was  slightly  tempered  in  the 
neighbourhood  by  an  odour  of  roasting  coffee, 
giving  an  effect  like  that  obtained  by  a  gentleman 
who  bathes  infrequently,  and  as  an  offset,  carries 
a  perfumed  handkerchief.  But  there  was  no 
atmosphere  of  calm  or  repose  about  the  place. 
It  was  a  big  factory,  backed  up  against  the  river, 
with  warehouses  and  offices  in  front.  Every 
one  on  the  shipping  platforms  outside  seemed 
frightfully  busy.  Inside,  it  looked  better,  though 
depressingly  busy  again.  There  was  a  large 
office  on  the  ground  floor,  in  which  at  least  a 
hundred  clerks  were  working  away  as  if  to  over 
take  their  small,  but  agile  salaries.  Opening 
from  it  were  a  dozen  little  rooms.  Through  the 
glass  doors  of  these  I  caught  glimpses  of  some 
chesty  old  boys,  smoking  two-bit  cigars  and 
dictating  to  fair  girl  stenographers.  That  looked 
homey  and  all  right.  I  chose  a  blonde. 

There  was  no  one  sitting  at  the  desk  near  the 
door,  so  I  walked  by  it  and  into  an  office  marked, 
"Mr.  Rawden,  Private."  The  man  who  was  in 
there  gave  me  a  look  out  of  the  corner  of  his  eye, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      25 

but  kept  on  writing.  It  struck  me  that  he  was 
unnaturally  busy,  busier  than  any  man  can  be 
who  is  really  busy,  so  I  sat  down,  pulled  out  a 
paper  and  began  to  read.  That  seemed  to  annoy 
him,  for  he  looked  up  and  snapped  out: 

"How  d' you  get  in  here?'* 

I  did  n't  like  his  face;  I  did  n't  like  his  manner; 
and  I  did  n't  like  his  tone;  so  I  answered  pleas 
antly: 

"Walked  in,  sir." 

"Well,  walk  out  then,  and  be  quick  about  it." 

"Certainly,"  I  answered.  "If  you  '11  send 
word  to  the  Annex  whenever  you  wish  to  see  me 
I  '11  be  at  your  disposal,"  and  I  started  to  leave. 

"Stop!"  he  yelled  after  me.  "What's  your 
name  ?" 

I  turned  and  saw  in  his  eye  that  he  knew  it, 
that  he  had  known  it  all  along,  but  I  remembered 
that  Socrates  was  a  patient  cuss,  and  that  he 
advocated  sweetness  and  light,  with  an  eye  skinned 
for  careless  base-running,  as  a  better  way  of  putting 
out  an  opponent  than  swatting  him  over  the  head 
with  a  baseball  bat.  So  I  gave  Rawden  a  win 
ning  smile  and  my  card. 

"What  time  is  this  to  be  reporting  for  work?" 
he  grumbled,  holding  the  card  as  if  it  were  an 
insult. 

I  saw  now  that  my  first  impression  was  correct 


26      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

and  that  I  was  n't  going  to  like  this  man,  but  I 
answered,  still  patient: 

"Nine  fifteen,  sir,  and  an  hour  when  no  one 
but  the  lark  and  the  milkman  are  doing  business 
back  in  God's  country."  That  was  pretty  fresh, 
and  my  only  excuse  for  doing  it  was  that  I  could  n't 
think  of  anything  fresher. 

"Don't  get  gay,"  he  shot  back,  sticking  out 
his  under  lip  at  me,  a  trick  that  heightened  the 
naturally  unpleasant  expression  of  his  face.  "We 
don't  have  any  favourites  or  stand  for  any  Harvard 
nonsense  in  this  shop,  and  the  sooner  you  under 
stand  it  the  better  we  '11  get  along  together.  Your 
hours  are  from  eight  to  six,  and  see  that  you  keep 
them.  I  '11  set  you  to  work  as  soon  as  I  get 
through  here,"  and  he  started  in  to  look  busy 
again. 

He  had  n't  asked  me  to  sit  down,  but  I  sat 
down  anyway,  and  was  gratified  to  note  that  his 
scowl  deepened.  Then,  as  he  had  a  stump  of  a 
cigar  between  his  lips,  I  lit  a  cigarette.  It  was 
simply  great  to  see  him  come  up  —  for  all  the 
world  as  if  I  'd  lit  a  bomb  and  was  watching  the 
fuse  sizzle. 

"Stop  that!  Stop  that!  "he  fairly  yelled.  "We 
don't  allow  the  clerks  to  smoke  in  business  hours. 
We  don't  allow  cigaroot  smoking  at  all." 

If  I  had  followed  the  promptings  of  my  better 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      27 

nature  I  should  have  pasted  him  then  and  there, 
but  I  restrained  myself,  for  I  saw  that  the  Socratic 
method  was  the  one  with  which  to  get  the  most 
pleasure  with  him.  Fighting  the  devil  with  fire 
is  n't  effective,  because  that  's  his  element.  When 
one  really  wants  to  get  gratifying  results,  one  should 
use  a  little  water,  and  watch  him  hiss  and  sputter 
under  it.  So  I  replied  in  a  soothing  tone: 

"Certainly,  certainly,"  and  dropped  my  ciga 
rette  before  continuing:  "But  doesn't  it  strike 
you  as  rather  high-handed  to  say  what  the  men 
shall  smoke  at  home?  Oh!  I  know,"  I  hurried 
on,  waving  my  hand  genially,  "that  many  laymen 
hold  that  cigarettes  are  more  injurious  than  cigars, 
but  on  the  other  hand,  we  have  the  opinion  of 
some  of  our  highest  authorities,  including  the 
London  Lancet " 

"Damn  the  London  Lancet,"  he  interrupted, 
shoving  his  face  up  against  mine.  "I  tell  you 

that  we  don't  allow "  Here  he  started  back  as 

if  I  'd  stung  him,  and,  sniffing  suspiciously,  wound 
up:  "I  smell  liquor  on  your  breath.  You  Ve 
been  drinking.  I  might  have  known  it." 

I  had  n't  imagined  that  just  one  would  give 
me  a  megaphone  breath,  and  I  saw  that  I  should 
have  to  be  careful  with  the  Chicago  benzene 
whenever  I  wished  to  remain  incog.  Of  course 
I  wanted  to  conform  to  the  customs  of  the  business 


28      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

world,  but  it  struck  me  that  Rawden  was  getting 
sociable  altogether  too  fast.  The  next  thing  I 
knew  he  'd  be  pulling  a  stomach  pump  on  me  to 
see  what  I  'd  had  for  breakfast.  So  I  answered, 
a  little  sharply. 

"Smell  again,  sir,  if  it  gives  you  pleasure. 
And  let  me  add,  to  save  time,  that  I've  been  eating 
too."  He  fairly  gritted  his  teeth.  Then:  "You 
will  not  drink  while  you  are  employed  by  this 
house  —  understand  ?" 

I  did  n't  answer,  because  I  did  n't  care  to  lie. 

"And  we  '11  cut  this  short,"  he  went  on,  "and 
get  down  to  work."  Then,  with  a  half  sneer, 
"Any  preference  about  what  you 'd  like  to  do?" 

"Well,  I  should  n't  have  ventured  to  suggest 
it,  but  as  long  as  you  're  so  kind,  I  have  a  pre 
ference." 

"  My  place,  perhaps  ?" 

"No;  I  'm  afraid  I  have  n't  the  qualities  for 
that,  but  I  'd  like  to  have  the  job  which  goes 
with  that  blonde,"  and  I  pointed  to  a  pippin 
who  was  pounding  the  keys  just  outside  his  door. 
I  took  her  for  the  head  of  the  sugar  department. 

Of  course,  the  only  answer  that  a  gentleman 
could  make  to  this  was  a  look  of  scorn.  Then, 
with  the  manner  of  one  opening  the  windows  to 
let  out  a  bad  smell,  Rawden  called  a  subordinate 
and  turned  me  over  to  him,  with:  "This  is 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       29 

Mr.  Spurlock.  He  goes  on  the  billing  desk  at 
twenty  dollars  a  week.  Break  him  in."  Nit 
blond  stenographer.  Then  to  me:  "I  hope 
that  I  shall  hear  better  reports  of  you  than  this 
interview  leads  me  to  expect." 

The  Governor  must  have  written  rather 
slightingly  of  my  abilities  to  make  Rawden  so 
cocky  and  offensive,  for  he  was  the  sort  of  a  cur 
to  cringe  for  a  kick,  and  then  to  thank  me  for  it, 
if  he  had  n't  been  tipped  off  that  I  was  in  disgrace 
and  could  n't  help  or  hurt  him. 

Why  do  we  have  penitentiaries  when  we  could 
get  even  with  criminals  by  making  them  do  office 
work  ?  In  the  two  weeks  that  I  was  on  the  billing 
desk  I  atoned  for  all  the  sins  of  my  present  life, 
and,  admitting  the  Pythagorean  theory,  squared 
the  account  back  to  the  time  when  I  was  an 
innocent  trilobite.  They  had  a  boy  at  the  door 
to  keep  cases  on  us,  and  my  card  was  the  last 
one  out  of  the  box  every  crack.  It  was  such  a 
regular  thing  that  if  I  had  n't  been  on  the  inside 
myself,  I  'd  have  sworn  the  game  was  crooked. 

Whenever  I  tried  to  get  down  extra  early  I 
caused  a  scandal  in  the  office.  Once  I  started 
in  to  beat  the  game  by  going  to  bed  at  eight  o'clock. 
About  three  I  was  wide  awake,  and  by  six  I  had 
counted  all  the  sheep  in  the  world  and  had  begun 
on  goats.  But  I  proved  the  theory  sound,  because 


3o      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

the  next  thing  I  knew  it  was  noon  and  the  hotel 
management  was  boosting  a  boy  over  the  transom 
to  see  if  I  had  been  asphyxiated. 

Then  I  tried  sitting  up  all  night,  and  I  made 
the  office  at  seven  A.  M.,  but  while  I  was  waiting 
for  the  sluggards  to  come  down  to  their  tasks, 
I  got  so  drowsy  that  I  fell  asleep  on  the  desk. 
I  had  had  barely  forty  winks  when  that  cussed 
Rawden  happened  by  and  started  in  to  shake 
me  awake.  Now  a  child  should  have  known 
better  than  that,  because,  as  I  explained  to  him 
afterward,  anyone  who  is  at  all  familiar  with 
the  results  of  recent  psychical  research  knows 
that  the  subconscious  ego  intensely  resents  being 
forced  to  surrender  its  dominion  over  the  brain 
to  the  conscious  ego.  And  after  one's  conscious 
ego  has  spent  a  quick  and  hasty  night  endeavouring 
to  cover  the  principal  points  of  interest  in  a  large 
city,  it  is  n't  always  safe  to  turn  in  a  hurry  call 
on  the  brain  cells  to  start  billing  prunes. 

I  really  thought  that  I  was  back  in  college,  with 
Monty  pounding  on  the  door  and  yelling,  "Get 
up,  you  pup!"  and  that  I  'd  just  thrown  a  book 
at  him.  But  that  was  all  a  dream.  The  real 
thing  was  Rawden  shaking  one  fist  at  me,  and 
wiping  the  ink  off"  his  face  with  the  other  —  lucky 
for  him  that  I  had  swatted  him  in  the  chest  in 
stead  of  in  the  head  with  the  inkwell  —  while 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       31 

he  yelled  to  me  to  go  home  and  sleep  off  my 
debauch.  Would  n't  that  sting  you  sharper  than 
a  serpent's  tooth,  if  you  were  trying  to  win  out 
and  please  your  Governor  ? 

After  that,  I  lived  in  an  endless  chain  of  rough 
house  for  a  fortnight.  The  head  of  my  depart 
ment  took  the  tip  from  Rawden's  manner  and 
gave  it  to  me  every  time  anything  went  wrong 
on  the  desk.  I  confess  that  he  usually  hit  it 
right,  for  as  a  bill  clerk  I  was  probably  the  rottenest 
that  ever  sat  on  a  high  stool.  Then  Rawden 
took  a  crack  at  me  every  morning,  and  sent 
father  a  daily  chronicle  of  my  doings  which 
must  have  read  like  a  page  from  the  Police  Gazette. 
Of  course,  it  all  worked  back  to  me  in  impulsive 
letters  from  home. 

In  the  meanwhile  I  had  been  having  trouble 
with  my  finances.  Money  is  the  root  of  all  evil  — 
perhaps;  but  it  's  a  cinch  that  the  lack  of  it  is 
the  root  of  all  worry.  I  had  been  a  star  member 
of  the  Don't  Worry  Club  all  my  life.  The  initia 
tion  fee  is  a  roll  with  a  rubber  band  around  it. 
Then  you  belong.  At  the  end  of  my  first  week 
in  Chicago  I  had  the  rubber  band,  but  the  roll 
was  outside  of  it,  so  I  lost  my  membership.  I 
sent  my  hotel  bill  and  one  or  two  other  matters 
to  father,  and  while  he  returned  a  check  for  them 
he  told  me  that  he  would  pay  no  more  bills;  that 


32      JACK  SPURLOCK—  PRODIGAL 

he  expected  me  to  hunt  a  boarding-house  and 
live  on  my  salary,  and  there  was  no  over-the-left 
postscript  or  tear  marks  on  the  letter,  either. 

Now  I  had  been  proceeding  on  the  theory 
that  for  a  fellow  who  submitted  to  such  indignities 
all  day,  nothing  was  too  good  at  night.  It  had 
never  occurred  to  me  that  father  expected  me 
to  live  on  my  pitiful  salary;  in  fact  I  had  not  even 
mentioned  the  matter  of  remuneration  to  him 
in  our  final  talk,  taking  the  higher  view  that 
while  I  was  learning  to  be  a  captain,  he  would  not 
permit  worry  over  money  matters  to  distract 
my  attention  from  business.  Of  course,  I  knew 
a  lot  of  people  did  live  on  twenty  a  week,  but  I 
did  n't  propose  to  be  one  of  them  —  at  least 
one  of  them  and  a  billing  clerk,  too.  That  was 
rubbing  it  in  altogether  too  deep.  However,  I 
saw  from  the  tone  of  the  Governor's  letter  that 
he  was  so  wrapped  up  in  the  idea  of  my  living 
on  my  humble  earnings  that  I  must  humour  him 
for  a  while.  I  must  prove  that  even  if  I  were  a 
dub  at  sordid  detail,  I  was  all  to  the  good  where 
large  amounts  were  concerned.  I  must  show 
him  that  there  was  the  making  of  a  sky-high, 
over-the-hurdles,  balk-at-nothing  financier  in  me. 

How  to  raise  money  ?  How  to  get  the  gilt  ? 
How  did  people  raise  money  ?  How  did  Pierpont 
raise  the  wind  ?  How  did  Cassie  get  away  with 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL      33 

the  coin?  How  did  the  Governor — Why  sure! 
from  confiding  friends  at  the  bank. 

I  had  brought  quite  a  bundle  of  letters  with 
me  to  Chicago,  and  by  the  merest  chance  I  had 
already  presented  one  to  father's  banker  and 
had  dined  there.  Of  course,  I  was  the  young 
prince  to  him,  Mr.  Main  Squeeze,  Junior,  heir- 
apparent  to  the  whole  chicory  works,  but  that 
side  of  it  did  n't  occur  to  me  then.  It  might 
have  if  I  'd  stopped  to  think,  but  I  was  in  a  hurry. 
In  fact,  I  promised  Cabbie  a  dollar  tip,  and  he 
burned  up  the  asphalt  to  the  bank. 

The  president  was  very  gentlemanly  about  it  — 
took  a  ninety-day  note  for  two  thousand  without 
asking  a  single  prying  question,  and  called  me 
his  "dear  young  friend,  whom  he  hoped  to  see 
more  of."  It  was  a  safe  hope,  and  I  told  him  so. 
That  little  interview  helped  to  restore  my  faith 
in  humanity.  Apparently,  all  business  men 
were  n't  lacking  in  the  finer  feelings. 

When  I  reached  the  office  about  eleven,  with 
the  stiffening  in  my  backbone  that  comes  from  a 
silent  treatment  by  two  thousand  in  the  pistol- 
pocket,  and  with  a  stern  determination  to  buck 
up  now  and  show  them  that  I  was  a  boy  business 
wonder,  I  was  told  to  report  to  Rawden. 

Of  course,  we  had  a  most  unpleasant  scene. 
He  reproached  me  bitterly  for  being  late;  told 


34      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

me  that  in  the  fortnight  since  I  had  gone  to  work 
the  finest  office  force  in  Chicago  had  become 
demoralised;  that  half  the  men  were  late  every 
morning.  I  confessed  cheerfully  that  I  was  a 
sound  and  sincere  sleeper,  if  that  was  what  he 
meant.  He  ignored  my  manly  statement,  and 
went  on  to  say  that  within  a  week  a  dozen  men 
had  struck  him  for  raises  in  salary,  due  to  a  propa 
ganda  of  discontent  which  I  had  been  spreading. 
I  promptly  went  on  record  as  being  of  the  opinion 
that  ten  thousand  a  year  was  little  enough  for 
a  billing  clerk.  And  finally  —  how  my  heart 
leaped,  for  I  hoped  that  he  was  leading  up  to 
firing  me!  —  in  direct  disobedience  of  HIS  orders, 
I  had  continued  to  smoke  what  I  pleased,  to  drink 
when  I  pleased,  and  yesterday  I  had  been  seen 
giving  a  box  of  candy  to  HIS  stenographer.  This 
must  stop. 

My  heart  sank,  for  it  looked  as  if  I  was  n't 
to  be  fired  after  all,  and  I  had  vowed  to  stick  by 
the  grocery  till  I  set  fire  to  it  in  my  sleep,  or  they 
threw  me  out.  He  wound  up  by  saying  that  I 
would  have  one  more  chance,  and  that  if  I  did  n't 
make  good  this  time  the  stuff  was  all  off.  For 
the  present,  he  was  going  to  put  me  out  on  the 
street  to  collect  small  city  accounts.  He  emphasised 
"small,"  to  let  me  see  that  he  was  afraid  I  might 
embezzle  big  ones,  if  they  were  entrusted  to  me. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL       35 

I  felt  like  the  prisoner  of  Chillon,  those  first 
few  days  after  he  got  out  of  that  French  Sing 
Sing.  And  I  went  around  blinking  like  an 
old  rounder,  trying  to  get  the  desk  electrics 
out  of  my  eyes.  Then  I  hired  a  dandy  little 
runabout  by  the  week,  though  I  did  n't  obtrude 
it  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the  office,  and  chased 
around  from  one  corner  grocery  to  another, 
making  one  boy  unpin  a  ten-spot  from  the  lining 
of  his  vest,  and  another  dig  up  a  dollar  sixty- 
three  from  the  stocking.  It  looked  as  if  being  a 
captain  was  n't  so  rotten,  after  all.  But  when 
I  'd  had  a  few  days  of  this,  I  began  to  find  it  pretty 
tiresome.  All  my  stores  seemed  to  be  in  the 
slums,  and  then  some  of  the  grocers  were  absurdly 
petty  and  trifling  about  their  bills  —  said  they 
would  have  the  money  next  day,  or  that  there 
was  an  overcharge,  or  that  the  goods  were  n't 
right  —  anything  to  give  me  trouble.  Besides, 
I  found  that  there  were  a  lot  of  amusing  things 
to  do  in  Chicago  and  lots  of  bully  places  to  go, 
after  one  had  located  one's  old  college  friends 
and  had  been  introduced  to  their  sisters. 

Little  by  little  I  stopped  bothering  with  tne 
grocers  who  kicked  up  a  fuss  —  the  amounts  were 
small,  anyway  —  and  paid  the  bills  out  of  my 
own  pocket.  The  cashier  told  me  that  I  was  the 
best  collector  the  house  had  ever  had,  and  added 


36      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

that  if  I  could  keep  this  gait  up,  I  'd  be  given 
larger  accounts  for  collection.  Of  course  I 
discouraged  that  idea,  for  I  knew  my  finances 
would  n't  stand  any  such  strain.  Still,  I  began  to 
get  stuck  on  myself,  and  every  one  except  Rawden 
would  have  been  happy  and  satisfied  if  a  bull- 
headed  Dutch  grocer  had  n't  come  into  the  office 
one  morning  and  insisted  on  discussing  a  bill  which 
I  had  already  paid  for  him.  I  tried  to  shut  him 
up  by  winking  at  him,  but  I  only  succeeded  in 
making  him  so  indignant  that  he  blurted  out: 
"What  for  dot  young  monkey  winks  unt  laughs 
by  me,  hey  ?  I  tink  I  puy  mein  groceries  from  a 
house  dot  haf  young  mans  mit  respegdt  for  deir 
gustomers." 

Rawden,  the  human  hurry-wagon,  smelled 
rough-house  of  some  sort  starting,  and  saw  that 
I  was  mixed  up  in  it.  So  he  came  running.  I 
made  a  quick,  but  bum,  finish  as  a  star  collector 
right  there,  and  was  suspended  from  all  duty 
with  the  house,  pending  the  receipt  of  wired 
instructions  from  the  Governor.  They  came 
with  a  rush:  "Put  him  to  work  stencilling  boxes 
in  the  factory." 

I  was  certainly  discouraged.  There  I  was, 
the  only  man  with  the  house  who  was  n't  afraid 
of  losing  his  job,  and  the  only  one  who  did  n't 
seem  able  to  lose  it.  Still,  there  was  a  hopeful 


*•  03 

03  % 

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O  «) 


•«     03 

*•    V 
I-C     * 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL      37 

side  to  the  situation.  The  only  thing  they  could 
do  to  me  next  time  would  be  to  fire  me.  The 
Governor  had  made  his  mistake  in  not  starting 
me  in  as  manager.  Then  he  'd  have  had  places 
enough  left  on  the  way  down  to  have  kept  me 
with  the  house  for  a  year  or  two  at  least. 


CHAPTER  III 

IN   WHICH    THE    PRODIGAL    GIVES    THE    GOVERNOR 
THE   DIRECT  COMMAND 

I  MOVED  across  the  runway  into  the  factory, 
and  joined  the  pre-Raphaelite  school  of 
stencillers.  On  the  whole,  I  liked  it  better  than 
the  office.  The  men  were  n't  a  bad  sort,  and 
they  were  n't  afraid  to  spit  without  asking  per 
mission,  like  the  clerks.  When  they  were  really 
convinced  that  I  was  n't  practising  art  for  art's 
sake,  or  was  n't  up  to  any  brotherhood-of-man 
foolishness,  or  luck  and  pluck,  start-in-at-the- 
bottom  stunts,  but  that  I  was  up  against  it  lik? 
the  rest  of  them,  and  working  because  I  had  to, 
they  let  me  buy  tubs  for  them  at  the  Dutchman's, 
and  began  to  buy  back  for  me,  which  was  final 
proof  that  I  had  won  their  confidence. 

I  was  docked  most  of  my  wages  every  week 
for  being  late,  but  I  was  n't  worrying  about  that, 
so  long  as  my  kind  old  friend  who  owned  the  bank 
did  n't  bust.  He  was  so  easy  with  the  depositors' 
money  that  I  used  to  fret  a  good  deal  for  fear 
that  he  might  be  speculating  on  the  side.  Even 
ings,  when  I  was  n't  too  dogged  tired,  there  was 

38 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL       39 

always  a  dinner  or  a  dance  at  the  house  of  some 
college  friend,  or  friend  of  his,  to  go  to,  though  as 
soon  as  I  reached  my  room  in  the  Annex  I  had 
to  take  a  couple  of  hot  baths  and  use  a  quart  of 
benzene  to  get  the  lampblack  off  my  hands.  Even 
then,  they  looked  as  if  they  belonged  to  a  plumber's 
helper.  And  when  I  started  in  to  waltz,  it  smelt  as 
if  a  touring  car  were  being  run  across  the  floor. 

Sometimes  a  sweet  young  thing  would  ask 
how  I  liked  Chicago  and  what  I  was  doing,  and 
I  'd  answer,  "Stencilling  boxes."  Of  course, 
she  'd  come  back  with,  "How  perfectly  lovely 
of  you!"  or,  "How  plucky!"  And  when  I'd 
answer,  "Not  at  all,"  she  would  protest,  "How 
modest  of  you!"  and  I  'd  let  it  go  at  that,  because 
I  did  n't  want  to  injure  my  credit.  I  got  into 
the  papers,  too,  under  the  heading,  "Sterling 
Stuff  in  This  Boy.  Young  Spurlock  Dons  Over 
alls  to  Learn  Business  from  Ground  Up." 

Other  times,  instead  of  going  back  to  tne 
Annex,  I  'd  nose  around  with  some  of  the  men 
from  the  factory.  It  was  a  twister  to  see  how 
they  managed  to  make  ends  meet  on  their  wages, 
though  most  of  them  were  married  and  raising 
an  incredible  number  of  children.  When  I  'd 
see  them  playing  in  the  streets  and  alleys,  starved 
and  stunted,  I  'd  wonder  whether  race  suicide 
was  n't  better  than  child  murder. 


4o      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

Well,  things  ran  on  this  way  for  almost  a  month, 
and  I  was  beginning  to  lose  all  hope  of  ever  being 
fired,  when  one  noon  a  new  man  backed  me  into 
a  corner  and  started  in  to  tell  me  that  I  was  a 
slave,  working  for  a  dog's  wages,  while  old  Spur- 
lock  back  East  was  rolling  so  high  that  he  never 
touched  the  ground  except  to  pick  up  a  fresh  quart. 
I  allowed  it  was  a  shame,  owned  right  up  to  being 
a  slave,  and  wanted  to  know  what  I  ought  to  do 
about  it.  Then  he  told  me  that  he  was  unionising 
the  works,  and  that  practically  all  the  men  had 
come  in.  Would  I  join  the  union  ? 

Would  I  join  ?  I  Ve  always  been  ready  to  join 
anybody  for  anything,  from  a  drink  up,  and  the 
bigger  the  foolishness,  the  harder  I  join.  I  came 
back  at  the  organiser  like  a  grass  widow  getting 
a  sudden  proposal  from  a  seventy-year  old  mil 
lionaire  Senator.  It  was  the  first  glint  of  sunshine 
that  had  come  into  my  hard  life  for  two  months. 

The  organiser  wanted  to  back  down  when  he 
heard  that  I  was  young  Spurlock  —  thought 
that  I  must  be  "a  hireling  and  a  spy"  —  but 
the  men  would  n't  stand  for  my  being  left  out, 
and  I  was  among  those  present  when  the  meeting 
of  the  new  union  was  called  in  Plasterers'  Hall. 

It  was  simply  great  to  hear  them  soak  it  to  the 
Governor.  First,  I  sat  there  chuckling,  but  by 
and  by  I  began  to  forget  the  josh  end  of  it  that 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      41 

I  had  joined  for,  and  to  remember  my  own  griev 
ances  against  the  house.  When  I  have  three 
hooters  in  me  and  begin  to  pity  myself,  I  either 
have  to  have  three  more  and  forget  it,  or  blow 
off  the  accumulated  language.  Before  I  knew 
it  I  was  on  my  feet  and  speaking.  At  first  I 
took  the  hurdles  timidly,  but  little  by  little,  as 
I  got  the  smell  of  the  kerosene  in  my  nose  and 
felt  the  tan  bark  under  my  feet,  I  began  to  go 
through  the  hoops  with  double  somersaults.  I 
remembered  things  I  'd  heard  Bryan  called  in 
campaign  speeches,  fragments  of  an  old  college 
debate  on,  Are  Unions  a  Menace  to  Business  ? 
and  Latin  lines  from  Ovid's  Metamorphoses. 
I  let  fly  with  them  all  at  Con.  Groceries,  and 
brought  down  the  house.  I  Ve  heard  some  bang- 
up  operas  in  my  time,  but  I  Ve  never  heard  any 
thing  that  rang  so  melodiously  in  my  ears  as  the 
sound  of  my  own  voice  that  night. 

If  my  gas-works  had  only  blown  up,  or  if  a 
dog-fight  had  started  in  the  back  of  the  hall, 
anything  to  head  me  off,  it  would  have  been  all 
right  even  then;  but  my  good  angel  was  having 
her  Thursday  out,  and  there  was  no  one  to 
whisper,  "Trouble,  trouble,  dark  man  coming 
over  the  water."  I  was  so  doped  with  my  siren 
song  that  I  steered  straight  for  the  rocks,  and 
wound  up  by  asking  my  fellow  workmen  whether 


42      JACK  SPURLOCK—  PRODIGAL 

they  were  Chinese  coolies  or  free-born  American 
citizens,  and  whether  they  could  face  their  inno 
cent  wives  and  children  when  they  went  home 
that  night,  unless  they  had  asserted  their  man 
hood  in  a  demand  for  shorter  hours  and  a  living 
wage. 

When  I  finished  a  thousand  lunatics  passed 
me  around  the  hall  on  their  shoulders  and  cheered 
me  as  if  I  were  the  young  prince  and  giving  away 
money.  It  was  simply  great  —  till  I  came  out 
from  under  the  influence. 

For  ten  minutes  I  was  so  busy  grasping  the 
horny  hands  of  my  admirers  that  I  had  no  chance 
to  pay  any  attention  to  what  was  happening  on 
the  platform.  Then  someone  escorted  me  back 
there,  and  I  discovered  that  my  comrades  had 
honoured  me  with  their  suffrages  to  the  extent 

O 

of  making  me  chairman  of  a  grievance  committee 
of  three,  with  instructions  to  wait  on  Rawden 
first  thing  in  the  morning  and  to  confer  with  him 
on  recognition  of  the  union,  shorter  hours  and 
higher  wages. 

Again  they  cheered  me  to  the  echo,  the  hollow, 
empty  echo,  and  oh  how  cruel,  how  brutal  their 
silly  yelling  sounded!  Never  again  can  I  be 
conned  by  "One  crowded  hour  of  glorious  life 
is  worth  an  age  without  a  name!"  That  night 
I  made  up  my  mind  that  I  'd  take  any  glory 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL       43 

that  was  coming  to  me  thereafter  in  little  easy 
installments.  Even  while  they  were  cheering 
me,  I  realised  that  it  was  no  time  for  temporising, 
started  up  to  voice  a  firm  refusal  to  act  on  the 
committee,  and  sat  down  thanking  my  friends 
for  the  confidence  which  they  had  reposed  in  me! 

I  tried  sheep,  goats,  and  fifty-seven  varieties 
of  soothing  stunts  when  I  got  back  to  my  room 
in  the  Annex,  but  all  night  I  tossed  from  one  side 
of  the  bed  to  the  other,  and  with  every  toss  I  had 
a  new  thought  which  scared  away  a  week's  sleep. 
I  knew  that  the  Governor  remembered  Teddy 
Roosevelt  and  labour  unions  in  the  same  prayer  — 
but  it  was  one  that  he  said  backward.  My 
trained  bear  and  my  labour-saving  inventions 
were  going  to  look  like  mere  peccadilloes,  youthful 
indiscretions,  beside  this  latest  monument  to  my 
asininity.  But  I  had  to  see  it  through.  I  'd 
pulled  the  trigger;  and  I  could  n't  stand  aside 
and  let  the  men  take  the  kick. 

When  I  got  down  in  the  morning,  the  whole 
force  was  massed  outside  the  factory,  and  I 
was  n't  received  with  cheers  either.  Instead; 
there  were  yells  of  "Traitor!"  "Hang  him!" 
and  I  found  myself  surrounded  by  a  lot  of  men 
who  were  competing  for  a  chance  to  shove  under 
my  nose  those  honest,  horny  palms  which  I  had 
grasped  so  joyously  the  night  before.  They 


44      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

must  have  seen,  though,  that  I  was  genuinely 
bewildered,  for  I  managed,  finally,  to  make  them 
listen  long  enough  to  learn  that,  when  they  had 
reported  for  work,  they  had  found  that  they  were 
locked  out.  Rawden  had  refused  to  parley  with 
them,  even.  "And  you  're  the  skunk  that  put 
it  up  on  us !  "  shouted  one  objectionable  individual 
in  the  crowd,  while  some  fellow-enthusiasts 
chimed  in, "Yes, he  done  it!  Soak  it  to  him  good!" 

I  saw  that  this  was  no  time  for  well-chosen 
words  or  flowers  of  speech,  so  I  got  right  down 
to  facts.  "Boys,"  I  said,  "the  man  in  this  crowd 
who  says  that  I  have  n't  been  on  the  level  is  a 
damned  liar,  and  I  '11  fight  him  to  a  finish  right 
now  if  the  rest  of  you  '11  stand  by  and  see  fair 
play.  Rawden  must  have  had  a  spy  in  that 
meeting  last  night,  but  it  was  n't  me.  I  stand 
to  lose  more  than  all  the  rest  of  you  put  together, 
but  I  'm  going  to  see  the  thing  through,  and  if 
you'  11  stick  by  me  we  '11  win.  But,  win  or  lose, 
I  'm  with  you  for  keeps.  Come  on,  and  we  '11 
make  Rawden  show  where  he  stands." 

I  have  my  faults,  but  I  'm  not  a  quitter  when 
there  's  no  way  to  quit.  The  men  must  have  felt 
that  I  meant  what  I  said,  because  there  was  no  more 
talk  of  soaking  me,  and  when  I  started  toward  the 
office,  they  all  followed  along.  Rawden,  backed  up 
by  half  a  dozen  cops,  received  us  at  the  front  door. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       45 

"Mr.  Rawden,"  I  began,  drawing  myself  up 
impressively,  and  striking  the  chest  notes  of  the 
lower  octave,  "I  am  here  this  morning  on 
behalf  of  my  fellow-workmen " 

"Never  mind  all  that,  Jack,"  Rawden  cut  in, 
as  pleasant  and  offensively  familiar  as  you  please. 
"You  're  to  take  the  first  train  for  New  York 
and  report  to  your  father.  The  rest  of  you  are 
all  discharged." 

Of  course,  the  yellow  dog  put  it  that  way  so 
as  to  queer  me  with  the  men.  And  how  they 
came  up!  Gad,  but  it  was  a  near  thing  for  me! 
There  was  a  moment's  dead  silence  as  Rawden 
ducked  back,  then  a  roar,  and  the  crowd  sprang 
for  me,  like  a  cageful  of  hyenas  for  the  last  hunk 
of  meat.  By  using  clubs,  the  cops  managed  to 
draw  me  inside  and  bolt  the  door,  but  not  before 
I  'd  caught  it  proper.  And  all  that  morning  the 
men  hung  around  outside,  ravening  for  my  blood, 
while  Rawden  inside  grinned  and  sneered  at  me. 
It  took  a  covered  patrol-wagon  and  a  dozen  cops 
to  ship  me  off  on  the  Limited  to  New  York. 
Something  of  all  this  got  into  the  papers,  of  course, 
but  they  took  the  view  that  I  'd  helped  father 
do  up  the  union  in  a  rather  clever  way. 

I  had  plenty  of  time  to  think  on  the  train. 
I  'd  often  had  enough  for  that  purpose  before, 
but  I  'd  generally  used  it  in  some  more  amusing 


46      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

way.  This  time,  though,  I  really  turned  the 
whole  thing  over  carefully,  and  it  seemed  to  me 
that,  even  if  the  men  had  rounded  on  me,  I  had 
no  right  to  go  back  on  them  until  I  'd  exhausted 
every  means  in  my  power  to  put  them  where 
they  had  been  before  I  had  mixed  in  their  affairs. 

It  was  evening  when  I  got  back  to  God's 
country,  but  after  a  hasty  evening  along  Broad 
way,  I  concluded  that  He  must  be  a  non-resident. 
The  next  afternoon  I  called  at  the  Governor's 
office  in  Wall  Street.  The  clerks  there  looked 
at  me  in  a  curious,  scared  fashion,  as  if  I  'd  com 
mitted  some  frightful  crime  for  which  I  was  about 
to  pay  the  death  penalty,  and  the  Governor's 
secretary  carried  out  the  illusion  by  speaking  in 
hushed,  awed  tones,  as  if  he  were  administering 
the  last  sad  rites.  This  jarred  my  confidence  a 
little,  but  I  got  quick  action  on  my  card  and  was 
in  the  private  office  before  I  could  decide  to  change 
my  mind  and  call  again  later. 

I  'd  thought,  up  to  the  moment  I  saw  the  Gover 
nor,  that  I  was  scared  half  to  death;  but  then  I 
discovered  in  a  flash  that  I  was  n't  —  it  was  only 
the  pleasant  quiver  of  anticipation  which  the 
prospect  of  a  row  always  brings. 

"Well,  sir?"  he  began,  boring  through  me 
with  those  sharp  gray  eyes  of  his. 

"Yes,  sir,"  I  answered. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      47 

"What's  all  this  I  hear  about  you  from  the 
West  ?"  He  was  beginning  to  work  himself 
into  a  passion. 

"I  don't  believe  that  I  can  add  anything  to 
your  information,  sir." 

"But  I  can  add  something  to  yours.  I  can 
tell  you  that  you  Ve  disgraced  me  and  disgraced 
yourself  again.  I  can  tell  you  for  the  last  time 
that,  unless  you  're  through  with  all  this  damned 
nonsense,  I  'm  through  with  you." 

I  kept  my  temper,  and  met  his  eye  squarely. 
"Father,"  I  answered,  "you  're  quite  right.  I 
have  n't  done  the  straight  thing  by  you  and  I  'm 
ashamed  of  myself.  Help  me  out  this  once  and 
I  '11  follow  your  orders,  no  matter  what  they 
are." 

That  mollified  him  a  little.  Then  it  came: 
"You  cut  loose  from  all  that  damned  union 
business  before  you  left  ?" 

"No,  sir,  I " 

"No,  sir;  no,  sir!  What  the  devil  do  you 
mean  by  coming  here  then  ?  You  're  a  striker, 
understand,  and  I  '11  not  talk  to  you,  or  treat 
with  you,  or  own  you  as  my  son,  until  you  break 
with  that  whole  gang  of  ruffians." 

"I  can't  do  that,  father,"  I  answered.  "It 
would  n't  be  a  square  deal.  It  was  my  foolishness 
that  got  the  men  into  this  mess,  and  I  've  passed 


48      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

my  word  that  I  '11  get  them  out  of  it.  Come  now, 
Governor,"  and  I  descended  to  wheedling,  "give 
me  just  this  little  strike,  and  I  '11  never  ask  another 
favour  from  you.  What 's  one  little  strike  to 
you  ?  You  can  have  a  dozen  others  if  you  want 
them." 

But  it  did  n't  go.  It  was  like  pouring  kerosene 
on  the  kitchen  fire.  "Quick  now,  you  fool;  I 
give  you  a  last  chance;  decide  between  me  and 
your  union." 

"Oh,  come,  father,"  I  protested;  "that's  too 
ridiculous.  There  's  no  question  of  any  union 
involved  with  me,  but  I  've  got  to  stay  out  on  the 
strike  until  you  take  the  rest  back."  I  was 
getting  a  little  warm  myself. 

The  Governor  pushed  a  bell  and  the  secretary 
appeared,  looking  as  if  some  one  had  kicked  him 
into  the  room,  and  as  if  he  expected  some  one  to 
kick  him  out  of  it. 

"Give  Mr.  Spurlock  a  check  for  ten  thousand 
dollars  and  take  his  receipt  for  his  Aunt  Julia 
Spurlock's  legacy."  Then  to  me:  "That  winds 
up  our  business,  sir.  Mr.  Horton  will  show 
you  out,"  and  before  I  knew  it  I  had  my  check 
and  was  walking  along  Wall  Street. 

It  was  pretty  bad,  but  not  so  bad  as  it  would 
have  been  without  the  check.  I  'd  about  given 
up  hope  of  ever  seeing  that  legacy,  because  Aunt 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      49 

Julia  had  left  it  in  trust,  the  interest  to  be  paid 
to  me  yearly,  the  principal  to  be  given  to  me  at 
the  Governor's  discretion;  and  he  was  nothing  if 
not  discreet  about  giving  up  money. 

I  was  walking  along  Broadway,  when  I  heard 
some  one  behind  me  yell,  "Hello,  sporty  boy 
Spur!"  and,  turning,  I  found  myself  face  to  face 
with  Jim  Carson,  who  had  left  Harvard  the  year 
before  to  go  into  the  advertising  business  with 
his  father.  Jirn  was  loud  and  joyous,  and  all 
for  buying  at  once.  As  the  same  thought  had 
already  occurred  to  me,  we  were  soon  comfortably 
seated  and  telling  each  other  how  good  we  were, 
and  how  fast  we  'd  come  up  in  the  business  world 
since  we  'd  left  college.  But  truth  is  mighty  and 
will  prevail.  By  the  time  it  was  up  to  me  to  buy 
back,  Jirn  had  slipped  down  from  a  partnership 
in  his  father's  business  to  his  proper  place  as  an 
advertising  copy  writer.  And  when  he  bought 
back,  I  dismounted  from  my  high  horse,  and 
owned  up  to  being  the  hero  of  a  Wall  Street  melo 
drama.  Jim  whistled,  but  when  I  mentioned 
the  ten  thousand,  he  allowed  that  there  were 
alleviating  circumstances.  "And  what  now, 
Sporty  Boy  ?"  he  asked  when  he  had  digested 
this  final  fact. 

"I  've  got  to  go  back  to  Chicago,"  I  answered. 

"With  real  money  in  your  clothes  ?  Nonsense!" 


5o      JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

"But  you  don't  understand,  Jim.  Aunt  Julia's 
coin  has  got  to  go  into  the  strike  fund,  at  least 
all  except  two  thousand."  For  now  that  I 
could  n't  depend  on  the  Governor  to  do  the  proper 
thing,  I  'd  have  to  square  that  little  note  which 
my  kind  old  friend  had  taken. 

"Give  you  poor  Aunt  Julia's  savings  to  the 
union!  On  the  dead,  Spur,  that 's  carrying  it  too 
far.  No  wonder  the  old  man  got  cross  with  you, 
if  that 's  a  sample  of  your  nonsense." 

"I  can't  help  it  Jim;  I  Ve  got  to  play  the  game, 
even  if  my  cards  are  bum." 

"But  they  don't  want  you  in  it,  you  chump. 
Why,  from  what  you  've  just  told  me  yourself, 
they  'd  probably  pound  you  to  a  pulp  while 
you  were  trying  to  hand  over  the  money.  Snuff 
up  and  forget  it." 

I  had  to  labour  with  Jim  for  half  an  hour  before 
he  would  believe  that  I  really  meant  it.  But  finally 
I  saw  that  he  was  beginning  to  abandon  his  sordid 
attitude  toward  Aunt  Julia's  pin-money,  for  the 
gloom  lifted  from  his  brow  and  his  eyes  snapped. 

"Spur,"  he  began  impressively  when  I  was  all 
through,  "do  you  want  to  win  that  strike?" 

"Sure  I  do;  what  have  I  been  talking  about?" 

"Then  you  must  stay  in  New  York." 

"  But  the  strike's  in  Chicago,  idiot,"  I  answered, 
beginning  to  get  a  little  hot  at  his  stupidity. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      51 

"Yes;  but  who  is  the  main  squeeze,  the  whole 
chicory  works,  the  boy  who  has  the  last  say  in 
Con.  Groceries  ?  Is  it,  or  is  it  not,  your  dad  ? 
Answer  me  that." 

"Of  course  it's  dad." 

"Then  there  's  no  use  bothering  with  that 
Chicago  bunch  of  also-rans.  We  must  work  on 
your  Governor.  Spur,"  he  wound  up  trium 
phantly,  "we  must  give  him  a  psychological 
impulse." 

"Psychological  hell!"  I  answered,  but  interested 
all  the  same.  "What  are  you  driving  at?" 

"This  one  's  on  me,"  he  answered,  yelling  for 
the  waiter  and  reaching  across  and  wringing  my 
reluctant  hand  at  the  same  moment.  "We  've 
got  the  Governor  stung,  Spur.  Now  listen. 
We  're  going  to  give  your  dad  absent  treatment 
for  hardness  of  the  heart.  We  're  going  to  make 
the  tear  of  pity  start  unbidden  to  his  eye.  We  're 
going  to  push  him  into  a  corner  and  tell  him  to 
behave.  See  ?  It 's  a  grand,  a  sublime  idea, 
and  it 's  got  Dowie  backed  off  the  map." 

"Go  on,"  I  put  in,  beginning  to  warm  up. 

"Well  it 's  this  way,"  Jim  continued.  "When 
I  want  to  make  people  buy  a  new  soap,  what  do 
I  do  ?  Do  I  plead  with  them,  beg  them,  try  to 
persuade  them  with  tears  that  cost  from  one  to 
five  dollars  per  pearly,  agate  tear,  to  buy  that 


52      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

soap?  Nit,  not,  no.  Nittings,  nottings,  nay- 
ings.  That  used  to  be  the  gag,  when  an  adver 
tiser  wanted  to  give  Mr.  Purchaser  a  psychological 
impulse  toward  his  soap.  Do  we  do  it  now  ? 
Certainly  —  not.  We  give  him  the  direct  com 
mand,  and  he  buys  it  like  a  little  child." 

"The  direct  command!"  I  broke  in.  "Say, 
Jamie  boy,  do  you  need  a  flashlight  to  see  what 
would  happen  to  anyone  who  gave  the  Governor 
the  direct  command,  or  the  polite  request,  or 
any  other  old  thing  ?" 

"Oh,  bosh!  I  knew  you  'd  say  that.  They 
all  do  when  I  spring  it  on  'em  for  the  first  time. 
But  let  me  show  you  how  it  works.  I  buy  a 
column  in  one  of  these  million  a  month  magazines 
where  space  is  as  valuable  as  corner  lots  in  heaven, 
and  every  word  a  priceless  solitaire  in  a  Tiffany 
setting.  You  don't  use  that  kind  of  language 
to  hand  out  goo-goo  talk,  or  to  sing  lullabies 
to  people.  No,  sir.  You  start  off  with  a  simple, 
manly  statement  to  the  effect  that  Soper's  Soap 
is  the  purest,  the  most  cleansing,  the  most  emol 
lient,  the  most  antiseptic,  the  most  satisfying 
and  the  most  durable  soap  on  the  market;  and 
you  wind  up  short  and  crisp:  Take  home  a 
cake  to-night.  Does  he  take  home  a  cake  to 
night  ?  Certainly  not.  He  just  says 'Rats' and 
buys  the  same  old  inferior  article.  But  every 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      53 

morning  when  he  opens  his  daily,  and  every 
week  when  he  dips  into  his  weekly,  and  every 
month  when  he  looks  into  his  monthly,  he  gets 
that  direct  command,  Take  home  a  cake  to-night. 
And  one  night,  when  he  's  in  a  hurry  and  is  n't 
thinking  just  what  he  's  doing,  he  rushes  slam- 
bang  into  a  drug  store  and  yells:  *  Gimme  a 
cake  of  Soper's  Soap/  He  has  n't  had  a  thing 
to  do  with  it.  The  direct  command  has  simply 
gotten  in  its  deadly  work,  and  given  him  a  psy 
chological  impulse,  and,  by  jings!  you  've  made  a 
customer!  Now,  do  you  see,  you  lunkhead  ?" 

It  certainly  did  sound  reasonable,  and  I  Ve 
never  needed  much  coaxing  to  sit  in  any  game 
that  had  a  fair  sporting  element  about  it.  In  a 
minute  I  was  asking  what  the  ante  was. 

"Let's  see,"  said  Jim;  "you've  got  ten, 
have  n't  you  ?  And  you  've  got  to  cough  up 
two  of  that  for  the  paper  which  your  foolish  old 
Chicago  friend  holds.  That  leaves  eight.  Then, 
in  case  you  have  to  stand  a  siege,  you  'd  better 
hold  out  another.  For  while  I  can  promise  to 
bring  down  your  dad,  I  can't  promise  to  make 
him  forgive  you  for  it  in  a  hurry.  That  leaves 
seven.  Seven  —  ahem!  It  might  be  done  for 
seven,  though  it  would  be  a  near  thing.  Ye-es, 
I  reckon  we  could  fetch  him  for  seven." 

We  broke  away  then,  to  meet  for  dinner  at 


54      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

Jim's  club,  where  we  were  to  lay  out  our  plan  of 
campaign.  "You  see,"  said  Jim  as  he  left  me, 
"the  whole  game  is  to  get  the  command  into  a 
short,  crisp  phrase  that  your  dad  will  understand, 
but  that  outsiders  won't  tumble  to.  If  we  do  it 
thorough,  we  're  bound  to  stir  up  a  lot  of  talk 
and  excite  curiosity,  but  I  '11  put  everything 
through  our  office,  so  that  no  one  but  us  two 
and  your  dad  need  know  what  it  all  means.  The 
papers  won't  bother  to  look  into  it  for  a  story, 
because  they  're  so  blamed  wise  they  '11  think  some 
one  is  trying  to  play  up  a  book  he  's  going  to  spring, 
or  some  stale  gag  like  that.  But  to  be  on  the  safe 
side,  and  to  keep  any  reporter  from  getting  after 
you  about  your  part  in  that  Chicago  racket,  I  '11 
fix  it  with  Tom  Carothers  to  put  you  up  for  a 
week  or  two,  so  you  won't  have  to  register  at  a 
hotel." 

It  took  us  a  few  days  to  hit  on  a  satisfactory 
form  of  the  direct  command,  and  to  think  out 
enough  different  ways  of  conveying  it.  Jim 
began  at  seven  sharp,  one  Monday  morning,  by 
calling  the  Governor  to  the  telephone  and  shouting 
into  his  ear:  "Stop  that  strike,  dad"  He  cussed 
so  fierce  that  Jim  backed  away  without  hanging 
up.  I  had  fixed  it  with  the  butler  by  giving  him 
ten,  and  when  the  eggs  were  brought  to  father  at 
breakfast,  he  saw,  neatly  lettered  on  each  shell: 


'Stop  that  strike,  Dad!" 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      55 

"Stop  that  strike,  dad"  The  butler  managed  to 
explain  it  and  keep  his  job,  but  he  told  me  after 
ward  that,  much  as  he  liked  me,  never  again. 
We  had  taken  a  whole  page  in  the  Governor's 
pet  paper,  and,  as  soon  as  he  opened  it,  he  saw 
in  enormous  black  letters,  "Stop  that  strike,  dad" 
The  direct  command  stared  at  him  from  every 
bill  board  along  the  Sixth  Avenue  L  as  he  went 
to  his  office;  greeted  him  in  his  mail;  was  delivered 
by  messengers;  sent  in  telegrams;  and  finally 
flashed  all  night  long  on  the  sky,  where  he  could  n't 
miss  it  whenever  he  looked  out  of  a  window. 
It  was  simply  great! 

Of  course,  I  could  n't  see  how  it  was  working, 
but  on  the  second  day  I  began  to  get  plenty  of 
indirect  testimony.  The  telephone  in  the  house 
was  disconnected;  messenger  boys  refused  to 
take  notes  to  father's  office,  even  when  offered 
five  dollar  tips;  and  letters  that  bore  all  the  marks 
of  being  sacredly  confidential  were  opened  by  a 
secretary.  On  the  third,  influence  had  been 
brought  to  bear  so  that  the  newspaper  refused 
our  ads,  and  the  Governor  rode  to  the  oi'Hce 
in  a  limousine.  But  every  time  he  checked 
us  in  one  direction,  Jim  sprang  a  new  one  on  him. 
That  boy  was  simply  tireless  in  my  interests, 
hardly  taking  time  to  eat  and  sleep. 

On  the  fourth  morning,  Jim  came  bustling  in 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      55 

"Stop  that  strike,  dad"  The  butler  managed  to 
explain  it  and  keep  his  job,  but  he  told  me  after 
ward  that,  much  as  he  liked  me,  never  again. 
We  had  taken  a  whole  page  in  the  Governor's 
pet  paper,  and,  as  soon  as  he  opened  it,  he  saw 
in  enormous  black  letters,  "Stop  that  strike,  dad" 
The  direct  command  stared  at  him  from  every 
bill  board  along  the  Sixth  Avenue  L  as  he  went 
to  his  office;  greeted  him  in  his  mail;  was  delivered 
by  messengers;  sent  in  telegrams;  and  finally 
flashed  all  night  long  on  the  sky,  where  he  could  n't 
miss  it  whenever  he  looked  out  of  a  window. 
It  was  simply  great! 

Of  course,  I  could  n't  see  how  it  was  working, 
but  on  the  second  day  I  began  to  get  plenty  of 
indirect  testimony.  The  telephone  in  the  house 
was  disconnected;  messenger  boys  refused  to 
take  notes  to  father's  office,  even  when  offered 
five  dollar  tips;  and  letters  that  bore  all  the  marks 
of  being  sacredly  confidential  were  opened  by  a 
secretary.  On  the  third,  influence  had  been 
brought  to  bear  so  that  the  newspaper  refused 
our  ads,  and  the  Governor  rode  to  the  office 
in  a  limousine.  But  every  time  he  checked 
us  in  one  direction,  Jim  sprang  a  new  one  on  him. 
That  boy  was  simply  tireless  in  my  interests, 
hardly  taking  time  to  eat  and  sleep. 

On  the  fourth  morning,  Jim  came  bustling  in 


56      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

all  of  a  glow.  "  She 's  working  fine,  Spur," 
he  cried  as  soon  as  he  saw  me.  "Your  dad  has 
had  the  ads  traced  to  my  office,  and  last  night 
his  lawyer  called  at  the  house  to  threaten  me. 
Says  he  's  going  to  send  me  up  for  twenty  years 
for  conspiracy,  attempted  blackmail,  and  in 
growing  toe-nails.  I  don't  believe  the  Governor 
can  last  the  week  out.  We  're  giving  him  the 
psychological  impulse  of  the  century!" 

"A  psychological  impulse  to  lick  me  on  sight," 
I  grumbled,  for  my  private  advices  about  the 
Governor  represented  him  as  being  in  an  abso 
lutely  bloodthirsty  mood,  and  travelling  at  the 
rate  of  a  mile  a  minute  away  from  the  right  answer 
to  the  direct  command.  But  Jim  reassured  me 
and  proved  that  the  Governor's  rage  was  a  hopeful 
sign;  that  it  was  simply  a  scientific  impossibility 
for  him  to  hold  out.  So  by  noon  we  were  both 
at  it  harder  than  ever. 

When  I  got  back  to  my  room  I  was  so  dogged 
tired  that  I  thought  I  would  stretch  out  for  a  little 
snooze,  but  I  had  hardly  assumed  the  first  posi 
tion  for  taking  a  well-earned  rest  when  Horton, 
the  Governor's  private  secretary,  burst  in  on  me. 

"Oh,  Mr.  Jack!"  he  cried  when  he  saw  me 
on  the  couch.  "You  must  come  with  me  to  the 
house  at  once." 

"What  is  it?"     I  asked,  sitting  up  and  feeling 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       57 

good  and  scared.  A  picture  of  the  Governor  falling 
in  a  fit  and  sending  for  me,  that  he  might  bestow 
a  dying  blessing,  had  flashed  through  my  brain. 
"What  is  it  ?  Has  anything  happened  to  father  ?" 

"Mr.  Spurlock  is  well,  though  a  trifle  er — er — 
irritated.  But  a  very  distressing  complication, 
that  calls  for  your  presence  at  once,  has  arisen 
in  the  unfortunate  er — er — differences  between 
you  and  your  father.  But  I  '11  answer  any  further 
questions  as  we  go  along." 

Once  in  the  motor,  I  turned  to  the  secretary 
and  said: 

"Now,  Horton,  tell  me;  what 's  all  this  about  ?" 

"Oh,  Mr.  Jack,"  he  answered  reproachfully, 
"how  can  you  ask  ?'' 

"How  can  I  find  out  if  I  don't  ask,  idiot?" 
I  answered,  beginning  to  feel  a  little  irritated 
myself. 

"  It 's  about  the  reporters.  Oh,  Mr.  Jack, 
your  father  thought  you  had  too  much  pride  to 
air  family  differences  in  the  columns  of  the  news 
papers!" 

"Well,  so  I  have,  confound  you;  what  about 
the  reporters  ?  I  don't  know  a  blame  thing  about 
them." 

He  saw  from  my  manner  that  I  meant  it. 
"That 's  very  remarkable;  very  remarkable,"  he 
commented.  "When  your  father  got  home  this 


58       JACK  SPURLOCK—  PRODIGAL 

evening  there  were  six  reporters  in  the  library 
waiting  for  him,  and  each  sent  up  a  sealed  letter, 
addressed  to  him  in  the  handwriting  of  the  er— 
gentleman  who  has  been  so  prominent  in  your 
recent  ah — ah  activities.  When  he  broke  the 
seals,  he  found  that  each  envelope  contained  a 
sheet  of  paper,  bearing  the  single  sentence " 

"'Stop  that  strike,  dad,"'  I  finished. 

"Exactly.  And,  as  your  father  has  inferred 
that  you  were  connected  with  the  er-unfortunate 
publicity  which  has  been  given  to  that  phrase,  he, 
not  unnaturally,  connected  you  with  the  notes 
and  thought  he  'd  better  find  out  how  much 
you  'd  said  before  he  saw  any  reporters." 

I  saw  in  a  flash  what  Jim  had  been  up  to,  and 
what  I  did  n't  see  he  told  me  afterward.  Of 
course,  he  knew  about  the  Governor's  horror  of 
publicity,  and  of  my  determination  not  to  let  any 
thing  about  our  differences  creep  into  the  papers. 
More  than  all  else,  father  would  have  hated  to 
have  it  come  out  that  his  own  son  was  a  bona  fide 
member  of  a  union.  Of  course,  if  I  went  back  to 
Chicago  and  tried  to  help  the  strikers,  he  took  a 
certain  risk,  but  I  reckon  he  'd  figured  it  out  that 
Rawden  had  so  thoroughly  discredited  me  with 
them,  that  I  could  never  get  near  enough  to  a 
union  man  to  explain,  or  to  make  him  believe  me 
if  I  did.  But  he  knew  that  I  would  n't  have  any 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       59 

trouble  about  getting  a  hearing  in  a  New  York 
newspaper.  Jim  had  figured  this  all  out  and 
had  dropped  in  on  half  a  dozen  newspaper  men, 
told  each  of  them  that  Con  Spurlock  had  a  big 
financial  story  which  was  about  ripe,  and  had 
given  each  a  "special  letter"  that  would  help  him 
to  get  the  news.  I  should  n't  have  let  Jim  do 
this  if  I  'd  known  it,  but  so  long  as  he  had  done  it, 
I  thought  it  best  to  see  what  would  happen.  So 
I  explained  rather  chestily  to  Horton: 

"Of  course,  I  didn't  send  those  notes;  but  it 
was  done  by  one  of  my  authorised  agents." 

The  motor  was  run  into  the  garage,  and  I 
was  smuggled  into  the  house  through  the  back 
way.  The  Governor  was  upstairs  simmering 
and  blowing  ofF  steam  at  intervals.  Without 
even  a  "Good  evening,"  or  a  "How  are  you?" 
he  got  right  down  to  business;  but  I  noticed  that 
he  no  longer  handled  himself  as  if  he  were  talking 
to  a  small  boy. 

"What  have  you  told  those  reporters?"  he 
demanded. 

"Nothing — yet."  I  should  n't  have  added  that 
yet;  for  I  would  n't  have  told  those  reporters  a 
word  if  I  'd  lost  the  game  a  thousand  times  over, 
but  it  was  dog  eat  dog  with  both  of  us. 

"Will  you  agree  not  to  tell  them  anything  — 
not  to  tell  anyone  the  truth  about  this  Chicago 


6o      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

affair;  not  to  deny  that  you  were  acting  as  my 
representative  when  you  stirred  up  the  strike  ? 
And  will  you  promise  to  stop  hounding  me 
if " 

"  By  Jove,  sir,  that 's  going  altogether  too  far  — 
to  force  me  to  brand  myself  a  sneak  like  that 
yellow  dog  Rawden!" 

"That  yellow  dog  Rawden,  as  you  call  him,  is  a 
good  and  faithful  servant  of  the  house  which 
employs  him.  You  were  a  traitor  to  it.  But 
that 's  all  beside  the  point.  Will  you  agree  to 
these  terms  and  call  off  your  reporters  ?" 

"And  if  I  do?" 

"I  '11  ring  up  Rawden  on  the  long-distance 
and  tell  him  to  reinstate  the  strikers  on  the  old 
basis." 

"Done,"  I  answered,  starting  to  turn  away. 
I  felt  a  little  choky,  and  wanted  to  get  out.  I 
was  n't  very  proud  of  myself  or  of  my  victory, 
and  I  was  n't  very  proud  of  father,  either;  yet  if 
he  'd  shown  just  a  glimmer  of  feeling  for  me  in 
his  eyes,  I  'd  have  given  in  without  terms.  But 
his  voice  was  as  hard  as  ever, as  he  called  after  me: 

"One  moment;  I  should  like  the  reporters  to 
see  us  together." 

"As  you  wish,"  I  answered.  So  side  by  side, 
and  smiling,  we  entered  the  library  where  the 
reporters  were  waiting. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       61 

"Good  evening,  gentlemen,"  began  the  Gov 
ernor,  all  urbanity.  "My  son,  Jack,"  and  he 
nodded  toward  me.  "Now,  what 's  all  this 
about  ?" 

The  reporters  had  been  talking  together,  and, 
evidently,  they  themselves  had  begun  to  enter 
tain  doubts  as  to  what  it  was  all  about,  but  their 
spokesman  led  off  with: 

"Why,  we  understand,  Mr.  Spurlock,  that 
you  have  an  important  piece  of  news  to  give 
out " 

The  Governor  broke  into  a  hearty  laugh. 

"I  'm  afraid  that  some  one  has  been  playing 
a  practical  joke  on  you,  gentlemen.  I  have 
absolutely  nothing  to  say  that  could  be  of  the 
slightest  interest  to  the  public." 

"Perhaps  your  son,"  another  reporter  ventured, 
scenting  a  chance  for  something,  "can  tell  us 
more  about  his  experiences  during  the  strike  in 
Chicago  ?" 

"I  'm  sorry,"  I  answered,  "but  there  's  noth 
ing  that  I  can  add  to  what  has  already  been 
published.  My  father  tells  me  that  the  whole 
thing  will  probably  be  settled  in  a  day  or  two, 
as  he  has  instructed  his  manager  to  offer  the  men 
their  old  places  on  the  old  terms." 

"It  never  having  been  my  wish  or  intention," 
the  Governor  concluded,  "to  work  a  hardship 


6z      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

on  the  men;  but  simply  to  assert  my  unalterable 
conviction  that  the  American  manufacturer  must 
be  left  free  to  run  his  own  business,  and  the 
American  workman  allowed  to  make  his  own 
terms  with  his  employer,  without  the  interference 
or  dictation  of  any  union.  Good  evening,  gentle 
men." 

As  the  last  reporter  filed  out,  the  Governor 
wiped  the  smile  from  his  face  and  turned  to  me. 
"I  forgot  to  say,"  he  began,  as  I  picked  up  my 
hat,  "that,  while  I  have  promised  to  take  back 
all  the  men,  I  must  make  one  exception." 

"Myself?" 

"Yourself!"  and  the  Governor  bowed  me  out. 


CHAPTER  IV 

IN     WHICH      THE      PRODIGAL      MEETS      THE       MOST 
BEAUTIFUL    ONE 

WERE  you  ever,  revered  reader,  in  a 
place  where  you  wondered  whether 
you  'd  rather  have  a  kiss  or  a  ham  sandwich  ? 
Were  you  ever  so  mixed  up  that  you  did  n't 
know  whether  that  gone  sensation  was  due  to  a 
full  heart  or  an  empty  stomach  ?  Have  you  ever 
waked  up  and  tried  to  decide  which  dream  you 
liked  better  —  the  one  in  which  the  Onliest 
snuggled  up  against  you  and  intimated  that  you 
were  Alpha  and  Omega,  the  dearest  and  the 
duckiest;  or  that  one  in  which  the  waiter  is  just 
taking  the  covers  off  a  double  porterhouse, 
medium,  with  fresh  mushrooms  on  top  and 
potatoes  au  gratin  on  the  side  ?  Have  you  ever 
thought  of  her  sunny  curls  and  "two-sunny-side- 
up"  in  the  same  cerebration?  Have  you  ever 
been  broke  and  heartbroken  the  same  night  ? 
If  you  have  n't,  you  've  never  really  been  up 
against  it.  I  have  been. 

Thirty  days  after  my  last  interview  with  the 
Governor,    I  had    decided    that,    all    superficial 

63 


64      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

evidence  of  prosperity  to  the  contrary,  the  country 
had  struck  the  worst  hard  times  since  the  panic 
of  ninety-three.  That  every  one  in  the  world 
except  me  had  the  price  to  eat  at  Sherry's,  simply 
intensified  the  business  depression.  Once  I  had 
driven  along  Fifth  Avenue,  wondering  why  every 
one  did  n't  have  money  —  it  was  so  plentiful. 
That  night  I  had  walked  home  wondering  where 
in  the  deuce  all  those  fellows  had  found  enough  to 
build  their  big  houses  —  it  was  so  scarce.  And  no 
one,  not  even  Echo,  had  answered  where;  for 
when  a  fellow's  down,  no  one,  not  even  Echo, 
gives  a  hoot. 

This  is  a  cruel  world,  as  any  man  on  his  way 
to  the  dentist's  can  find  out.  Perhaps  an  acquaint 
ance  will  stop  him  for  a  moment,  concealing  a 
heartless  snicker  behind  his  hand,  as  he  tells 
the  sufferer  that  his  jaw  is  swelled  up  like  an 
eggplant  and  asks  him  if  it  hurts;  but,  once 
assured  that  it  does  hurt,  he  hurries  on  with  a 
gleam  of  satisfaction  in  his  eyes,  and  a  callous, 
"Better  have  it  out,  old  man."  The  whole  world 
is  having  a  good  time,  attending  to  its  petty  busi 
ness,  going  to  the  matinee,  laughing  over  its  foolish 
jokes,  as  if  there  were  no  such  awful  thing  in  the 
next  block  as  a  pair  of  forceps,  or  a  low-browed, 
muscular  brute  waiting  there  to  pull  somebody's 
darling's  face  a  foot  out  of  plumb.  And  if  a 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      65 

fellow  can't  get  sympathy  for  a  swollen  face  that 
is  a  perfect  signboard  of  suffering,  how  can  an 
unostentatious  organ  —  at  least  mine  is  unosten 
tatious  —  like  his  stomach,  expect  it  ? 

I  won't  forget  in  a  hurry  how,  when  I  got 
back  to  my  humble  room  and  bath  in  the  St. 
Regis,  after  my  first  day  in  the  real  trouble  belt, 
I  sat  around  listening  to  the  orchestra  seven  floors 
down  as  it  played,  "Waltz  Me  Around  Again, 
Willie,"  to  a  lot  of  fellows  who  were  buzzing  pretty 
girls  between  bites  of  their  fourth  meal  since 
morning,  utterly  oblivious  to  the  fact  that,  seven 
floors  up,  there  was  a  young  man  who'd  go 
Baa-a-ah!  at  the  sight  of  a  lamb  chop.  And 
how,  when  I  'd  temporarily  exhausted  the  possi 
bilities  in  this  form  of  anguish,  I  'd  reflect  that, 
four  blocks  away,  the  Most  Beautiful  One  was 
making  up  her  mind  that  I  was  a  pup,  and  that 
there  was  no  way  of  changing  her  decision, 
because  she  could  prove  it. 

To  explain  the  Most  Beautiful  One,  I  must  re 
turn  to  that  last  vacation  before  my  Alma  Mater 
turned  me  from  her  doors  and  told  me  that  I  was 
no  longer  a  che-ild  of  hers.  I  'd  been  invited  to 
dine  with  the  Storers,  rotten  rich  and  deadly 
dull,  and  the  Governor  had  intercepted  my  polite, 
"Not  on  your  life,"  and  made  me  change  it  to  a, 
"Sure  thing — de-elighted."  How  little  does  youth 


66      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

appreciate  its  blessings!  as  some  other  man  whose 
meal  ticket  had  just  expired  once  remarked. 
The  grasshopper  is  n't  the  only  damphool  in  the 
good  old  summer-time,  when  the  busy  little  ants 
are  hiving  it  up  against  a  bull  market. 

I  was  the  only  poor  person  at  the  dinner,  and 
the  footman  would  n't  have  let  me  in  if  he  had  n't 
been  tipped  off  that  I  had  expectations.  It  was 
a  gathering  of  the  hope-to-get-in  and  the  almost- 
in  just-rich.  Mrs.  Storer,  standing  on  a  forty- 
thousand-dollar  rug,  under  a  sixty-thousand- 
dollar  near-Raphael,  in  the  hundred-thousand- 
dollar  grand  salon  of  her  two-million-dollar 
chateau  —  by  Bill  D'Obbins  out  of  Mansart  — 
and  looking  with  her  hawser  of  pearls  and  her 
peck  of  tasty  little  Kohinoors  like  the  Queen 
of  the  Amazons  leading  the  Grand  March,  intro 
duced  me  to  over  a  billion  dollars.  First  there 
was  Riggs  —  five  hundred  million,  then  Nortiger 
—  two  hundred  million,  and  consequently  only 
two-fifths  as  great  and  as  good  a  man  as  Riggs, 
and  receiving  from  every  one  present  only  two- 
fifths  as  much  deference.  Last  and  least  came 
Jones,  a  shamefaced,  ill-at-ease  pauper,  with 
only  twenty-five  million,  who  had  to  be  deferential 
to  every  one.  I  made  a  horrid  faux  pas  right  at 
the  start  by  speaking  in  a  hundred-million-dollar 
tone  to  a  two-hundred-million-dollar  man,  and 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      67 

was  properly  snubbed  by  him.  I  could  n't 
figure  out  why  I  'd  been  invited,  unless  they  were 
going  to  have  a  small  game  after  dinner  and 
wanted  to  use  me  as  the  buck. 

I  had  just  received  a  fifteen-hundred-dollar 
sentence  from  Riggs  —  his  income  is  a  hundred 
dollars  a  minute  or  a  second,  I  forget  which  — 
and  was  handing  back  a  thirty-cent  joke  in 
exchange  —  when  my  hostess  spoke,  and  turning, 
I  saw  Anita  Grey  for  the  first  time. 

She  was  frightfully  conspicuous  in  that  bunch 
of  fat,  fussy,  plush-upholstered  dowagers,  for 
she  had  n't  so  much  as  a  diamond  butterfly  in 
her  coronet  of  brown  braids.  But  she  had  the 
most  beautiful  violet  eyes,  and  the  longest  dark 
lashes,  and  the  clearest  white-and-rose  skin. 
Lord !  Lord !  whenever  I  think  of  her  as  she  stood 
there  that  night,  I  want  to  throw  in  the  vox  humana 
and  use  all  the  trembly  notes  in  the  pipes. 

Not  that  Anita  was  a  simple  little  village 
maiden.  She  was  New  York  —  not  Pittsburg- 
New  York,  but  a  girl  who  'd  learned  to  walk 
on  Fifth  Avenue,  the  daughter  of  poor,  but 
very  smart  parents,  who  had  brought  her  up 
in  genteel  poverty  on  the  income  of  a  million,  in 
a  set  where  the  million  should  have  been  the 
income.  So  much  came  to  me  as  I  was  bowing 
and  murmuring  her  name,  and  then  I  piloted 


68      JACK  SPURLOCK—  PRODIGAL 

her  over  several  hundred  thousand  dollars'  worth 
of  rugs  and  into  the  hundred-thousand-dollar 
dining-room,  hung  with  the  two-hundred-thou 
sand-dollar  not-quite  Gobelins.  And,  on  the 
way,  I  mentally  cast-off,  forswore,  abjured  and 
utterly  repudiated  all  other  girls,  past,  present 
or  possible. 

I  suppose  I  was  a  little  hasty  about  opening 
up  the  subject,  but  I  'd  been  reading  one  of  those 
Chambers  yarns  in  which  the  hero  always  makes 
a  quick  get-away;  and  then,  too,  when  I  thought 
of  the  years  and  years  that  I  had  n't  known  her, 
and  of  the  chances  I  'd  been  taking  all  through 
them,  it  scared  me  to  death.  I  simply  felt  that 
I  must  n't  lose  another  minute. 

"Why  haven't  I  ever  met  you  before?"  I 
demanded  in  one  of  those  low,  tense  tones,  almost 
before  we  were  seated.  It  was  a  bum  start.  I  'd 
thought  it  was  a  Chambers  sentence  till  I  got 
it  out,  and  then  I  knew  in  a  minute  that  I  'd  been 
cribbing  from  Laura  Jean  Libbey. 

Anita  looked  mildly  surprised.  "I  really  don't 
know,"  she  answered.  It  was  like  trying  to 
board  an  iceberg,  but  she  was  a  mighty  sweet 
girl  at  heart,  because,  as  I  slipped  and  floundered 
around  for  a  new  footing,  she  added,  "Perhaps 
it 's  because  I  have  n't  been  out  very  long." 
Yet,  to  my  certain  knowledge,  she  'd  been  "out" 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      69 

three  seasons.     And,  to  her  certain  knowledge, 
I  'd  never  been  "in." 

I  got  my  second  wind  as  we  began  to  eat  off 
the  fifty-thousand-dollar  gold  plate,  and  mixed 
it  up  quite  successfully  in  a  general  discussion 
over  the  outrageous  demands  of  labour.  Anita 
and  I,  at  our  end  of  the  table,  were  in  a  particu 
larly  rich  little  pocket,  and  every  time  anyone 
opened  his  mouth  the  room  rang  with  the  flying 
double  eagles.  I  scored  heavily  with  Riggs, 
who  likes  to  think  that  he  stands  in  with  the 
Lord,  by  quoting  from  Byron's  Corsair,  "The 
many  still  must  labour  for  the  one,"  and  telling 
him  he  'd  find  it  in  Jeremiah  li:  I.  He  was  so 
affected  at  finding  that  Jeremiah  stood  for  him 
that  he  started  to  cry  into  his  soup,  and  then 
saved  five  hundred  dollars  by  forcing  back  the 
pearly  tears,  as  he  told  me  about  the  difficulty 
he  was  having  in  making  ends  meet,  without 
trenching  on  the  capital  which  his  pious  enter 
prises  needed.  Across  the  way,  the  Rector  of 
St.  Aurea's,  where  a  pew  costs  ten  thousand  a 
year,  and  who  did  n't  have  an  in-curve  on  his 
person  from  his  mouth  to  the  end  of  his  waistcoat, 
sputtered  his  sympathy  through  a  mouthful  of 
terrapin.  He  knew  a  thing  or  two  about  the 
pains  and  penalties  of  stewardship  himself,  for 
he  had  sanctified  a  few  million  by  marrying  them. 


70      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"Why,  Mr.  Riggs,"  he  finally  got  out  as  he  got 
the  terrapin  down,  "the  ingratitude  of  our  work 
ing  classes  passes  belief.  Every  one  is  prosperous 
and  well  paid,  and  yet  the  press  is  full  of  abom 
inable  lies  about  the  labouring  man's  having  diffi 
culty  in  making  ends  meet  on  his  wages.  I  Ve 
been  rector  of  St.  Aurea's  now  for  ten  years,  and 
I  Ve  yet  to  see  any  of  the  want  and  suffering 
that  loose-mouthed  ranters  talk  about  here  in 
New  York." 

"But,  Doctor,"  I  ventured,  "you  did  n't  expect 
to  find  want  in  St.  Aurea's,  did  you  ?" 

The  rector  looked  vinegar  and  answered  oil: 
"My  dear,  dear  young  friend,"  and  my  years 
dropped  from  me  till  I  wondered  why  Mrs. 
Storer  did  n't  ring  for  the  nurse  and  have  me  put 
to  bed,  "when  you  have  had  the  experience  of 
Mr.  Riggs  and  your  honoured  father  in  dealing 
with  these  questions,  you  will  learn  to  look  below 
the  surface,  and  not  jump  to  hasty  conclusions. 
It  may  be  true  that  here  and  there  are  isolated 
cases  of  want,  but  they  are  due  in  this  splendid 
time  of  prosperity  to  regrettable  habits  of  drink 
and  thriftlessness.  Capital  to-day  leaves  no  ex 
cuse  for  idleness  and  want.  It  has  a  greater 
mission  than  mere  money-making.  It  works, 
if  my  dear  friend  Riggs  will  permit  me  to  say  it,  con 
amore  for  the  higher  good  of  our  beloved  country." 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       71 

"Well,  Doctor,"  I  replied,  "there's  no  doubt 
about  the  con  part,  anyway.'* 

I  caught  an  amused  gleam  in  Anita's  eyes. 
But  it  cost  me  the  votes  of  Riggs  and  the  rector, 
who  dropped  me  as  a  lost  soul,  and  began  dis 
cussing  a  plan  to  further  the  Lord's  work  in  China 
by  boosting  rents  in  the  slum  tenements  owned 
by  St.  Aurea's. 

After  that  I  was  simply  a  castaway  on  a  desert 
island,  than  which  there  is  no  more  delightful 
situation  in  the  world,  provided  Anita  is  the 
other  castaway.  I  was  fairly  prudent  and  re 
strained,  and  made  such  good  progress  that  we 
were  on  very  friendly  terms  by  the  time  our  ices 
were  in  front  of  us.  Then  Anita,  in  speaking 
about  the  horse  show,  made  some  careless,  but 
too,  too  familiar  reference  to  "Brooke." 

I  could  n't  help  it.  I  went  up  in  the  air  like 
an  old  wife  happening  by  the  office  and  discovering 
her  husband  dictating  to  a  new  blonde  peacherino, 
instead  of  old  reliable. 

"Brooke?"  I  questioned  sharply;  "Brooke 
who  ?" 

"Brooke  Churchill,"  she  answered,  looking 
amused. 

"  Oh,  the  fat  little  bachelor,  who  rubbers  at  the 
girls  from  a  window  of  the, Ascot  Club  every  after 
noon  !  Friend  of  your  father's  ?" 


72      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

Anita  had  stopped  looking  amused,  but  I  was 
so  fatuous  that  I  could  only  see  that  she  was 
looking  pretty  in  a  new  way.  "Not  particularly 
—  but  a  friend  of  mine." 

"A  very  good  friend  ?"  I  persisted,  a  little 
alarmed  by  something  unspoken  in  her  tone. 

"Why,  yes,"  she  smiled;  "a  very  good  friend. 
In  fact,  I  'm  half  expecting  to  marry  him  one  of 
these  days." 

"You  marry  that "  I  stammered. 

Anita  interrupted  with  a  little  laugh.  Then, 
very  sweetly:  "What  is  your  class,  Mr  Spurlock  ? 

Naughty ?"  and  stood  up,  for  Mrs.  Storer  was 

giving  the  signal  to  the  women. 

Have  you  ever,  beloved  reader,  beaten  the 
loud  bazoo  and  invited  the  Most  Beautiful  One 
to  come  into  the  big  tent  and  witness  an  exhibition 
of  your  feats  of  strength  and  daring  ?  Have  you 
ever  buzzed  her  for  two  hours,  modestly  and 
tactfully  intimating,  as  opportunity  offered,  that, 
if  she  were  looking  for  a  kind,  considerate,  thought 
ful  husband  —  a  man  of  broad  views,  wide 
experience  and  large  affairs  —  you  were  her 
huckleberry  ?  Have  you  ever  gazed  into  her 
timid,  violet  orbs  and  handed  out  beautiful 
thoughts  about  being  in  the  true  knight  business, 
and  that,  if  there  were  an  opening  for  a  Sir  Galahad 
on  her  staff,  you  would  like  to  apply  for  the 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      73 

vacancy;  only  to  have  her  tell  you  to  be  a  good 
boy  and  run  along  and  play  with  little  brother  ? 
And  have  you  ever  gone  home  and  slowly  bar 
becued  yourself  on  your  virtuous  couch,  basting 
yourself  first  on  one  side  by  recalling  every  asinine 
word  you  had  spoken,  and  then  on  the  other  by 
remembering  every  dying-calf  glance  you  had 
given  ?  If  you  have  n't,  you  've  never  been  truly 
refined  by  suffering.  I  have  been. 

I  did  n't  get  another  chance  to  talk  with  Anita 
that  night,  but  I  did  the  next  and  the  next  —  in 
short,  I  made  meeting  Anita  the  business  of  my 
life  until  I  was  exported  to  Chicago.  And  I  only 
went  there  at  all  because  I  had  a  vague  idea, 
carefully  concealed  about  my  person,  that  I 
should  make  a  million  in  a  month  or  two  and 
marry  her.  If  father  and  the  others  who  have 
accused  me  of  being  lazy  and  indifferent  to  busi 
ness  could  only  have  seen  how  diligently  I  prose 
cuted  the  business  of  meeting  Anita,  they  would 
have  been  proud  of  me.  And  I  made  some 
progress,  too,  for  we  grew  to  be  awfully  good 
friends,  and  little  Brooke  Churchill  became 
insanely  jealous,  though  how  groundlessly  no  one 
knew  better  than  I.  Still  I  humoured  his  delu 
sion,  for  it  was  a  pleasure  to  feel  that  I  was  n't 
doing  all  the  suffering. 

Of  course,  I  kept  right  on  meeting  Anita  after 


74      JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

I  got  back  from  Chicago,  and  then  after  the 
Governor  and  I  had  our  falling  out.  Altogether, 
it  was  six  months  of  the  most  delicious  misery 
imaginable.  I  talked  with  her,  laughed  with 
her,  danced  with  her,  dined  with  her,  but  I  never 
really  proposed  to  her.  For  at  first,  when  I 
showed  signs  of  growing  sentimental,  she  had  a 
way  of  laughing  at  me  which  was  very  disconcert 
ing  to  a  young  man  who  was  accustomed  to 
having  his  proposals  taken  seriously;  and  then 
when  I  saw,  after  my  break  with  the  governor, 
that  she  would  throw  over  Brooke  Churchill  and 
marry  me,  I  would  n't  ask  her.  I  think  that 
she  liked  me  better  than  Churchill,  but  I  felt 
that  it  was  first  of  all  a  choice  between  fortunes. 
After  that,  it  counted  with  her,  no  doubt,  that  the 
man  who  went  with  the  Spurlock  millions  was 
younger,  and  had  more  hair  and  less  girth  than 
the  one  who  went  with  the  Churchill  millions; 
but  it  hurt  me  to  feel  that  I  was  winning  on 
comparative  waist  measurements. 

Anita  was  n't  really  mercenary  in  her  ideas. 
She  was  the  dearest  and  the  sweetest  and  the 
most  generous  girl,  and  if  she  had  been  in  a  city 
and  a  set  where  girls  were  allowed  to  fall  in  love 
foolishly  and  to  go  in  for  housekeeping  in  cottages 
and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  she  could  have  been 
just  as  adorably  foolish  and  impractical  as  the 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       75 

next  one-  But  she  was  a  well-bred  New  York 
girl,  with  well-trained  emotions  and  a  well-dis 
ciplined  heart.  She  'd  been  brought  up  to  believe 
that  certain  things  were  absolutely  necessary 
to  a  well-bred  girl's  happiness,  and  that  marriage 
was  the  art  of  getting  them.  After  one  was 
suitably  married  it  was  time  enough  to  think  of 
falling  in  love  —  with  some  other  well-bred  girl's 
husband.  No,  that  is  n't  fair  to  Anita  —  she 
was  n't  that  sort,  at  least.  I  knew  she  'd  play 
fair,  even  if  she  made  a  bad  bargain,  but  she  did  n't 
propose  to  make  one 

I  had  been  taking  afternoon  tea  with  Anita 
one  day  —  since  giving  the  Governor  the  direct 
command  my  principal  business  had  been  taking 
tea  with  Anita  —  when  I  asked  her  pointblank  why 
she  was  going  to  marry  Brooke  Churchill. 

"Of  course,  it 's  his  money,"  I  suggested, 
hoping  that  she  would  deny  it,  but  prepared  to 
be  jealous  if  she  did. 

"Of  course." 

"  Is  the  beggar  so  rich,  then  ?"  I  knew  he  had 
twenty  million. 

"Oh!  he  hasn't  a  swollen  fortune,  but  he's 
rich  enough  to  afford  the  simple  comforts  and  an 
occasional  little  luxury." 

"Like  marrying  you,  for  instance?" 

"Ye-es;  if  you  care  to  put  it  that  way." 


76      JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

"I  don't  care  to  put  it  that  way;  I  hate  it  that 
way;  and  you  really  hate  it,  too.  It 's  not  you, 
Anita,  but  it 's  this  rotten  New  York,  that  makes 
us  all  want  things  that  no  sane  human  being  has 
any  use  for." 

"  Is  Saul  too,  among  the  prophets  ?"  she  quoted 
laughingly.  Anita  was  never  serious  when  I 
was. 

"Yes;  if  you  mean  that  I  'm  beginning  to  see 
how  silly  all  this  rot  is,  and  what  an  ass  I  've  been 
to  think  that  it 's  the  main  business  of  life." 

I  should  have  told  her  then  about  my  split-up 
with  the  Governor,  and  that  he  had  disinherited 
me.  I  started  in  to  do  so  —  and  had  another 
think.  As  usual,  when  I  have  a  second  think 
on  a  matter  of  principle,  I  thought  wrong. 

"Please  don't  try  to  convert  me,"  Anita  an 
swered.  "If  it  is  silly,  it 's  a  very  pleasant  sort  of 
silliness  and  —  I  simply  can't  be  poor,  and 
live  in  the  suburbs  with  two  maids,  and  a  hired 
brougham  to  pay  my  calls  in." 

"But  you're  not  poor,  Anita,"  I  protested. 
"Your  governor's  got  enough  to  give  you  every 
thing  that  any  human  being  ought  to  have,  or 
has  a  right  to  have.  Why  should  you " 

"  Why  Jack  Spurlock ! "  Anita  broke  in ;  "  what 's 
happened  to  you  ?  I  honestly  believe  you  Ve 
turned  Socialist.  And  what  do  you  rnsan  by 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       77 

preaching  to  me  about  the  blessings  of  poverty, 
when  you  're  the  most  extravagant  boy  in  the 
world  and  in  training  to  become  sinfully  rich  ?" 

Right  there  I  made  St.  Anthony  look  like  a 
two-spot,  and,  for  the  first  time  in  my  life,  resisted 
a  temptation  that  really  amounted  to  something. 
Anita  would  have  taken  my  money  and  me,  and 
if  I  had  gone  to  the  Governor,  recanted,  and  told 
him  that  I  was  engaged  to  Miss  Grey,  he  would 
have  given  me  a  seven-figure  blessing.  For, 
while  he  was  too  busy  to  bother  about  society 
himself,  the  thought  that  his  son  was  going 
to  marry  into  one  of  the  really  smart  New 
York  families  would  have  swelled  him  up  like  a 
boiled  prune.  But  I  passed  —  on  the  terms  — 
and  drew  fresh  cards. 

"I  mean  it,  Anita.  I've  been  doing  a  whole 
lot  of  thinking  since  I  left  college  —  no,  don't 
laugh  —  and  I  'm  beginning  to  see  some  things 
differently.  Throw  this  fellow  over.  Why  should 
you  marry  him  ?" 

"Please  don't  be  tiresome,  Jack.  I  'm  marry 
ing  him  because  of  the  increased  cost  of  living, 
and  from  a  filial  desire  to  shield  my  parent  from 
want  in  his  old  age.  He  Js  such  a  poor  guesser 
that  your  father's  likely  to  take  his  money  away 
from  him  any  day,  unless  I  can  persuade  him  to 
stay  out  of  Wall  Street.  He  *s  a  perfect  simpleton 


78      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

about  business.  Ten  years  ago  we  really  had 
quite  a  snug  little  pile.  But  since  then  every  one 
else  has  been  getting  ahead,  while  we  've  simply 
been  standing  still.  So  we  're  shockingly  poor 
as  things  go." 

I  got  out  quick.  If  I  'd  stayed  another  five 
minutes  I  'd  have  been  engaged  to  Anita  myself, 
and  have  gone  home  miserable  because  she  could 
bring  herself  to  marry  me  for  the  Governor's 
millions.  As  it  was,  I  hurried  off,  raging  be 
cause  she  was  going  to  marry  Brooke  Churchill 
for  his. 

I'd  been  on  the  hop  ever  since  morning,  for 
being  in  love  with  Anita  was  a  strenuous  calling, 
leaving  one  little  leisure  for  the  pleasur.es  that 
fall  to  the  lot  of  those  who  indulge  in  the  peaceful 
pursuit  of  commerce.  I  wondered  what  one  of 
those  self-made  men,  who  brag  so  vulgarly  about 
the  long  hours  they  worked  when  they  were 
youngsters,  would  have  said  if  he  had  ever  had  to 
put  in  a  day  like  mine  —  sprinting  through  miles 
and  miles  of  streets  to  find  Anita  in  the  morning; 
riding  for  hours  and  hours  through  Central  Park 
to  meet  Anita  in  the  afternoon;  dancing  across 
acres  and  acres  of  ball-room  floor  to  see  Anita  in 
the  evening.  I  'd  been  too  busy  to  eat  even, 
that  day,  so  when  I  got  back  to  the  St.  Regis, 
where  I  'd  taken  a  room  after  giving  the  Governor 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       79 

the  direct  command,  I  ordered  the  last  three  meals 
I  'd  missed  and  started  in  to  catch  up. 

When  it  came  to  paying  the  waiter,  it  struck 
me  that  my  roll  looked  shockingly  emaciated. 
I  made  a  hasty  count  of  the  surplus  as  soon  as  I 
got  to  my  room,  and  verified  my  worst  fears. 
I  always  do  verify  them  when  I  indulge  my  curi 
osity.  The  change  which  I  had  received  from 
Jim  Carson,  after  paying  for  the  direct  command 
campaign  —  that  last  thousand  of  poor  Aunt 
Julia's  legacy  —  was  down  to  two  hundred. 

Something  must  be  done,  and  I  could  n't  do 
the  Governor.  Carver,  that  solemn  prig  who 
attended  to  his  legal  matters,  had  been  bothering 
me  for  a  week  with  an  absurd  proposal  that  I  go 
West  to  Uncle  Bill's  ranch,  be  a  good  Indian, 
and  promise  not  to  leave  the  reservation  without 
the  permission  of  the  Great  Father.  Of  course, 
that  was  absurd,  and  I  had  told  him  so,  but  he 
had  kept  on  coming  back  to  press  the  matter. 
The  last  time  I  had  spoken  so  hastily  that  I  had 
really  managed  to  offend  him,  which  was  quite 
a  feat,  if  he  thought  you  had  money  or  ever  might 
have,  and  he  had  n't  been  back  since.  I  don't 
imagine  that  his  report  had  helped  me  any  with 
the  Governor,  but  that  did  n't  matter.  I  'd 
decided  to  play  the  game  for  a  while  without 
depending  on  an  ace  up  my  sleeve. 


80      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

I  started  right  in  to  be  wise  as  a  serpent  with 
what  money  I  had  left,  and  as  usual,  when  I 
try  the  serpent  act,  I  got  stung.  I  marched 
down  to  the  office  and  paid  two  weeks  in  advance 
on  my  room  —  one  hundred  and  forty  dollars. 
It 's  a  wonder  I  did  n't  change  to  the  suite  with 
the  ten-thousand-dollar  bed.  Then  I  crossed 
Anita  off  my  visiting  list,  and  started  in  to  look 
for  work. 

I  began  by  being  willing  to  accept  a  position, 
and  wound  up,  inside  of  a  fortnight,  by  begging 
for  a  job.  Until  I  tried  to  make  strangers  give 
up  real  money  for  my  services,  I  never  dreamed 
how  utterly  indifferent  people  could  be  to  the 
chance  of  securing  them.  Some  men  would  n't 
listen  to  me  after  I  told  them  that  I  was  a 
Harvard  man,  and  some  would  n't  pay  any 
attention  until  I  did,  but  both  kinds 
slipped  out  of  my  grasp  after  I  explained  just 
what  my  accomplishments  were.  I  was  made  to 
feel  that  I  was  no  good  by  every  employer  in  New 
York,  from  Pierpont  Morgan  to  Bim  the  Button- 
man,  and  the  only  difference  was  that  some  were 
more  impolite  about  it  than  others.  They  gave 
me  all  the  reasons  then  existing  for  not  hiring 
men,  and,  to  fit  my  special  case,  they  went  on  and 
invented  new  ones.  If  I  said  that  I  was  Con 
Spurlock's  son,  that  queered  me  on  the  go-off, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       81 

for  why  should  the  young  prince  be  looking  for 
any  old  job  ?  And  if  I  did  n't  say  that  I  was 
Con  Spurlock's  son,  that  queered  me,  too,  for 
I  could  n't  give  references.  One  way  I  was 
threatened  with  arrest  as  an  impostor,  and  the 
other  I  was  run  off  the  premises  as  a  suspicious 
character. 

All  this  time  I  had  been  economising,  but  not 
fast  enough,  it  turned  out.  I  kept  cutting  my 
orders  until  I  got  down  to  an  entree  for  dinner, 
but  by  ten  o'clock  that  night  I  was  so  blamed 
hungry  that  it  cost  me  five-sixty  to  ward  off  a 
fainting  spell.  Then  flowers  are  expensive  in 
February,  and,  while  I  stuck  to  my  determination 
not  to  see  Anita,  I  really  could  n't  bring  myself 
to  cut  off  her  violets. 

At  the  end  of  the  week,  when  my  money  was 
all  gone,  I  wore  a  path  to  a  cosey  little  hock  shop 
in  Sixth  Avenue,  and  wrung  the  reluctant  coin 
to  keep  me  going  from  a  turnip-hearted  Hebrew, 
until  I  was  down  to  a  business  suit,  my  evening 
clothes,  and  the  necessary  linen.  Of  course,  I 
could  have  signed  checks  at  the  hotel  for  a  few 
weeks,  but,  when  they  'd  finally  found  out  that 
I  could  n't  pay,  the  bill  would  have  been  sent  to 
the  Governor.  Or  I  could  have  borrowed  —  till 
my  friends  found  out  that  I  really  needed  money. 
It 's  a  curious  thing,  but  a  fellow  who  's  been  a 


82      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

liberal  spender  finds  it  awfully  hard  to  borrow 
when  he  goes  broke.  I  suppose  his  friends  are 
afraid  he  '11  waste  it.  There  was  only  one  man  — 
Jim  Carson  —  that  I  could  go  to  without  it  's 
all  working  back  to  father,  and  I  was  saving  him 
for  the  last  ditch. 


CHAPTER  V 

IN     WHICH     THE     PRODIGAL     REACHES    THE 
LAST  DITCH 

ONE  morning  I  woke  up  in  my  ten-dollar- 
a-day  room  with  a  vague  feeling  that 
something  was  going  to  happen,  but  I  was  mis 
taken.  It  had  happened  the  night  before,  when 
the  prince  of  pawnbrokers  had  lent  me  two 
dollars  and  I  had  thrown  all  my  good  resolutions 
to  the  winds  and  had  gone  on  a  mad  beefsteak 
debauch.  Now  there  's  one  difference  between 
a  beefsteak  bat  and  all  other  kinds  —  you  're 
broke  just  the  same,  but  you  don't  have  to  go 
through  your  clothes  to  find  it  out.  I  knew 
before  I  got  up  that,  unless  I  'd  been  burglarised 
while  I  slept,  I  had  a  solitary,  inestimably 
precious  ten-cent  piece  under  my  pillow. 

I  devoted  all  that  morning  to  a  careful  and 
systematic  canvass  of  Sixth  Avenue,  and,  when 
my  researches  were  over,  I  had  mapped  out  the 
most  complete  little  free-lunch  route  in  New 
York  City.  I  breakfasted  finally  in  the  one 
where  the  management  spread  the  board 
with  most  liberal  hand,  and  I  kept  right  on 

83 


84      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

breakfasting  until  a  coarse,  ill-mannered  employee 
hissed  in  my  ear:  "Buy  again,  Clarence,  or 
it 's  the  bung-starter  for  yours." 

I  did  n't  choose  to  buy  again,  nor  did  I  care 
to  have  the  bung-starter  for  mine.  So  I  made 
for  the  street,  without,  I  trust,  showing  any  undue 
haste  or  apprehension,  though  I  could  n't  resist 
a  glance  back  over  my  shoulder  as  I  went  through 
the  door.  That,  I  have  since  learned,  was  a 
faux  pas,  and  would  have  warranted  the  gentle 
manly  barkeep,  had  he  seen  it,  in  concluding  that 
I  was  persona  non  grata  in  our  best  saloons. 

It 's  curious  how  a  fellow  will  swallow  insults 
when  he  's  on  his  uppers,  for  which  he  'd  lick 
anyone  if  he  had  money  in  his  pocket.  "A 
man's  a  man  for  a'  that,"  but  he  does  n't  assert 
it  with  quite  the  same  conviction  when  he  's  lost 
the  guinea  stamp. 

At  six,  I  dropped  by  number  two  on  my  list, 
and  dined,  having  due  regard  this  time  for  the 
proprieties  of  the  set  in  which  I  was  moving. 
Luckily,  the  place  was  full  of  honest  working-folk, 
making  their  simple  preparations  to  take  home 
their  empty  dinner-pails  full,  or  to  go  home  full 
with  their  empty  dinner-pails.  It  was  awfully 
interesting  —  quite  like  a  cartoon  in  Puck,  or 
one  of  those  ripping  speeches  that  Senator  Beve- 
ridge  makes  to  the  populace. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      85 

When  I  got  back  to  the  St.  Regis,  I  put  on  my 
evening  clothes,  and  sat  around  the  lobby  hoping 
that  something,  I  did  n't  quite  know  what  and 
did  n't  very  much  care,  might  turn  up  to  help 
me  out  of  my  hole.  But  at  heart  I  had  the 
sickening  certainty  that  nothing  would;  and 
nothing  did,  except  a  bell-boy  to  touch  me  for  a 
telephone  message  that  I  had  n't  paid  for,  and 
an  acquaintance  to  borrow  a  hundred.  It  put 
me  in  a  glow  of  pride  to  think  that  any  one  im 
agined  I  had  the  price  of  a  telephone  call;  and  I 
felt  so  chesty  over  being  touched  for  a  hundred 
that  the  man  left  with  an  unshakable  conviction 
that  I  had  it,  but  was  too  mean  to  give  up.  But 
my  elation  soon  simmered  off,  and  by  ten  I  would 
have  sold  my  precious  birthright  to  do  as  I  pleased 
if  only  Satan,  in  the  guise  of  the  Governor's  lawyer, 
had  happened  by  to  tempt  me.  Yet,  even  Satan, 
who  had  always  been  hanging  around  when  I  had 
plenty  of  money,  seemed  to  have  no  use  for  me 
now  that  I  was  broke,  which  led  me  to  reflect  that 
there  must  be  a  good  deal  of  compulsory  virtue  in 
the  world. 

I  woke  up  next  morning  dreaming  that  a  regal 
repast  was  being  served  to  me  in  bed,  so  of  course 
I  turned  over  to  finish  the  dream  and  to  order  some 
strawberries  which  the  waiter  had  overlooked. 
Just  to  show  what  rotten  luck  I  was  playing  in, 


86      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

I  dreamed  the  second  time  that  I  was  starving, 
and  no  food  within  a  thousand  miles  of  me. 
And  when  I  woke  up,  it  was  no  dream  at  that. 

I  was  at  the  last  ditch,  sure  enough,  and  it 
was  full  of  mud.  So  after  a  refreshing  pitcher 
of  Croton  water,  I  shaved  and  dressed  carefully, 
and  started  to  walk  the  dreary  miles  downtown 
to  Jim's.  All  the  way  I  was  haunted  by  a  depres 
sing  fear,  which  grew  into  a  certainty  as  I  got 
nearer  the  office,  that  I  should  find  Jim  out  of 
town.  It  was  n't  quite  so  bad  as  that,  but  the 
lazy  dog  was  n't  down  yet,  the  boy  explained, 
only  he  called  him  Mr.  Carson.  Probably  Jim 
had  been  up  late  the  night  before,  stuffing  and 
guzzling. 

I  wandered  off  toward  the  East  Side,  killing 
time  and  raising  a  maddening  appetite  by  looking 
in  at  restaurant  windows  and  wondering  which 
I  'd  rather  have  —  the  double  porterhouse  mar 
bled  with  firm,  white  fat,  or  the  pair  of  exhibition 
canvasbacks.  I  'd  always  taken  food  for  granted, 
but  apparently  there  were  conditions  under  which 
a  man  could  n't  get  it  except  by  begging  or  stealing. 

After  that  morning  I  can  never  feel  quite  the 
same  about  some  things.  I  'd  missed  a  meal 
often  enough  before,  but  I  'd  always  known  just 
where  it  was  if  I  'd  wanted  to  take  the  trouble 
to  go  after  it.  And  I  'd  been  hungry  before, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       87 

but  it  had  always  been  a  polite  hunger.  Now, 
for  the  first  time,  I  was  looking  that  old  wolf 
Want  in  the  eyes,  and  beginning  vaguely  to  under 
stand  why  men  lie  and  cheat  and  steal  for  a  few 
pitiful  dollars. 

It  takes  a  man  who  's  been  born  rich  to  be  a 
really  tight  wad,  but  I  'd  often  noticed  curious 
and  inconsistent  streaks  of  meanness  in  even  the 
most  generous  men  who  'd  come  up  from  poverty. 
Now  I  knew  that  it  was  because  a  man  who  has 
once  felt  the  wolf-fear  can  never  quite  forget  it. 
No  matter  how  rich  he  may  become,  every  now 
and  then  he  fancies  that  he  sees  the  wolf  skulking 
in  the  shadow  ahead,  waiting  for  a  chance  to  pull 
him  down.  Right  there  I  decided  that  once  I 
got  my  rubber  band  around  a  neat  roll  of  the 
needful  again,  I  'd  hustle  over  to  the  nearest 
trust  company  and  create  a  beefsteak  endowment 
fund,  with  me  as  the  endowee,  or  whatever  they 
call  the  boy  who  draws  the  tenderloins  every 
quarter. 

I  was  a  long  way  from  Jim's  office  by  the  time 
I  had  worked  this  out,  and  in  front  of  one  of  those 
cheap  restaurants  where  the  waiters  are  all  trained 
acrobats  and  the  patrons  all  sword-swallowers. 
Still,  it  looked  mighty  good  to  me,  and  the  neigh 
bourhood  was  permeated  with  such  a  solid, 
satisfying  smell  of  fried  onions  that  I  hesitated 


88      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

to  leave  it.  When  at  last  I  started  to  turn  away, 
a  small  sign,  swinging  beside  the  door,  caught 
my  eye: 

Waiter  Wanted 

"Waiter  wanted,"  I  repeated  slowly.  "Why 
not  ?  Waiters  eat.  By  gad,  I  '11  do  it;  I  *ve  got 
to  do  it;  so  here  goes,"  and  I  dived  into  the  restau 
rant. 

I  found  the  proprietor  talking  to  the  lady  cashier, 
who  was  snapping  out  her  answers  on  the  upward 
movement  of  her  gum. 

"Well,  what  do  you  want?"  he  asked,  turning 
toward  me  and  evidently  prepared  to  answer: 
"Those  eggs  were  strictly  fresh,  and  you  've  got 
to  pay  for  'em." 

"I  'm  the  waiter  you  're  looking  for,"  I  replied. 

He  ran  me  over  with  his  eye,  and  I  could  see 
that  he  did  n't  share  my  confidence.  "A  hell 
of  a  waiter  you  are,"  he  finally  brought  out,  and 
spat  his  contempt  into  a  handy  cuspidor. 

"On  the  contrary,"  I  returned,  "I  've  had 
experience  in  some  of  our  best  restaurants " 

"Bein*  waited  on,  by  the  looks  of  them  nails 
and  the  creases  in  them  pants,"  snapped  the  lady 
cashier,  though  her  glance  was  not  altogether 
unkindly. 

I  made  a  mental  note  to  disguise  my  nails  for 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL       89 

the  part  next  time,  and  admitted:  "Well,  you  're 
not  so  far  wrong,  but  whatever  appearances  say, 
I  need  work,  and  I  need  it  quick.  Give  me  a 
show  and  I  '11  make  good."  I  talked  to  the 
man,  but  I  looked  at  the  girl,  for  I  felt  that  if 
I  were  to  get  a  job  it  would  be  with  her  help. 
That  was  where  I  decided  that  if  I  ever  had  a 
son  he  'd  be  taught  plain  cooking  and  waiting, 
so  that  when  he  got  out  to  support  his  poor  old 
father  he  would  n't  have  to  own  up  to  being  a  dub 
at  everything  except  the  classic  philosophers.  Yet 
that 's  what  I  'd  started  out  with  to  make  a 
living,  and  without  so  blame  much  of  that. 

"Oh,  I  can't  be  bothered,"  the  man  began 
impatiently,  but  the  girl  cut  in. 

"Aw,  give  the  gent  a  show,  Bill.  Can't  you 
see  he  's  up  against  it  for  fair  ?  It  won't  do  no 
harm  to  try  him  till  a  regular  turns  up,  anyway." 

The  girl  was  the  real  boss,  as  she  always  is, 
and  the  man  finally  gave  a  grumbling  assent. 
"Well,  go  back  and  take  your  coat  off  and  get  an 
apron.  We  '11  try  you  on,"  he  said.  "And  tell 
the  chef  to  give  you  your  breakfast,  Ferdinand," 
the  cashier  added. 

God  bless  that  girl!  She  chewed  gum,  which 
I  hate;  and  wore  a  rat  in  her  pompadour,  which 
I  loathe;  and  said  "I  have  went,"  which  is  the 
unpardonable  sin.  Anyway  you  sized  her  up 


90      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

she  was  in  as  bad  taste  as  a  diamond  stud  in  a 
dirty  shirt,  but  she  was  certainly  Miss  Abou-ben- 
Adhem  with  me  that  day.  All  the  precious 
memories  of  life  are  n't  laid  away  in  lavender; 
one  of  mine  will  always  be  redolent  of  fried  onions. 
And  speaking  of  precious  memories  —  that  break 
fast! 

After  I  had  exhausted  the  patience  of  the  cook, 
and  he  was  a  singularly  irascible  man  for  one 
who  could  have  all  he  wanted  to  eat,  he  chased 
me  out  on  the  floor  in  a  clean  apron  —  at  least 
he  said  it  was  clean,  and  it  was  by  comparison 
with  those  of  the  other  waiters.  The  "early 
lunchers"  were  already  coming  in,  and  the  room 
rang  with  cries  of  "One  embalmed,  with  a 
wreath,"  meaning,  I  discoverd,  corned-beef  hash 
with  a  poached  egg  on  top,  and  similar  euphe 
misms  that  stirred  the  spirit  of  emulation  in  me. 

After  all,  Pandora's  box  is  n't  so  very  deep, 
and  a  fellow  has  only  one  set  of  emotions  for  all 
places  and  all  occasions.  In  my  apron  I  felt  very 
much  as  I  had  back  in  Akron,  when  I  walked 
out  on  a  ball-room  floor  wearing  my  first  dress 
suit  —  a  little  sheepish,  a  little  ill-at-ease,  and 
wondering  whether  every  one  was  n't  on  to  me. 
First  I  went  over  to  the  cashier  for  inspection, 
and  she  nodded  her  approval.  "You  '11  do, 
Ferdinand,"  was  her  comment.  "Now  take 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL       91 

that  gent's  order  and  remember  this  ain't  no 
Waldorf.  Our  customers  expect  the  boys  to 
have  a  little  snap  and  jolly  their  grub  along/' 

I  went  to  the  gentleman  and  inquired  his 
pleasure  with:  "Well,  Sport,  what '11  it  be?" 
a  form  of  inquiry  which  appeared  to  possess  the 
requisite  amount  of  snap,  for  he  responded  with 
a  demand  for  chops,  eggs,  and  a  glass  of  milk. 
Thinking  to  please  my  patroness  by  showing  her 
that  I  had  caught  the  idea,  I  sang  out  to  the 
cook,  "Baa!  Baa!  Cluck!  Cluck!  Moo-o-o!" 
and  glanced  fatuously  at  her  for  approval.  But, 
instead  of  beaming  back,  she  called  me  to  her 
and  said:  "Cut  it  out,  Ferdinand.  Them  Call- 
of-the-Wild  dicky-bird  stunts  is  barred  in  this 
joint.  We  ain't  runnin'  no  livery-stable.  But 
everything  except  nature  fakin'  goes,  just  so  you 
remember  to  always  be  the  gentleman." 

I  was  rather  crestfallen,  but  I  promised  her  to 
remember,  and  hurried  off  to  wait  on  some  new 
customers.  And  I  got  along  without  further 
breaks  until  some  of  my  "lunchers"  began  to 
pay  off.  Most  of  them  took  their  checks  to  the 
cashier  themselves,  but  one  fellow  handed  me 
the  money  to  pay  for  him.  When  I  brought 
back  the  change  he  picked  out  a  nickel  and  offered 
it  to  me.  I  really  did  n't  understand  what  he 
was  up  to,  so  I  asked  briskly :  "  What  's  that  for  ?" 


92      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"For  you,  of  course,"  was  the  expansive  reply. 

Then  the  full  horror  of  the  situation  dawned 
upon  me.  He  was  trying  to  tip  me. 

"Thanks  awfully,"  I  protested,  in  a  panic  at 
the  thought  of  touching  that  five  cents'  worth  of 
pollution,  "  but  you  really  must  n't,  you  know. 
I  'm  just  as  much  obliged  to  you  and  all  that, 
but  it 's  against  the  rules,  you  know." 

The  man  evidently  thought  that  this  was  some 
new  kind  of  sarcasm,  called  forth  by  dissatisfaction 
with  the  size  of  the  tip.  His  grin  shortened  to  a 
snarl  and  his  under  lip  shot  out. 

"You  damn  sparrow,"  he  roared,  "what  d  'yer 
mean  by  gettin*  gay  and  insultin'  me  with  that 
kind  of  fresh  talk?  Not  enough,  hey!  I  '11  give 
you  enough.  I  '11  learn  you,"  and  he  reached 
out  for  me. 

I  was  n't  there,  but  my  fist  was,  and  it  sent  him 
sprawling,  chair  and  all.  Evidently  he  was  a 
valued  patron,  for  the  proprietor  hurried  to  help 
him  to  his  feet.  In  the  rush  of  customers  for  a 
look  at  the  fight,  the  cashier,  who  had  left  her 
desk,  whispered  in  my  ear:  "Back  to  Broadway 
for  yours,  Ferdinand,  and  hump  yourself.  His 
nibs  is  a  fly  cop  and  he  '11  pinch  you  sure.  Take 
the  back  door  and  do  a  disappearin*  stunt  up 
the  alley." 

I  was  still  red-hot,  but  on  the  whole  it  seemed 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      93 

to  be  sound  advice,  so  I  humped  myself,  shedding 
my  apron  and  putting  on  my  coat  as  I  passed 
out.  Cautiously,  and  by  devious  ways,  I  worked 
back  toward  Jim's  office,  scared  one  minute 
half  to  death  at  the  narrow  escape  I  'd  had 
from  a  free  ride  and  some  unpleasant  notoriety, 
and  exulting  the  next  at  the  thought  that  I 
had  so  promptly  avenged  the  insult  of  that 
proffered  tip. 

Jim  was  in  his  office  by  this  time,  but  the 
thoughtless  pup  had  already  had  his  luncheon. 
"Hello!  Sporty  Boy,"  he  called  as  soon  as  he 
saw  me.  "What  now  ?  Ain't  the  Governor  doing 
the  doting  parent  yet  ?  Does  he  need  another 
swift  kick  into  the  path  of  love  and  duty  ?" 

Jim  and  I  had  always  been  mighty  good  friends 
ever  since  one  night  when,  as  freshmen,  we  had 
tried  to  coax  an  Angora  cat  out  of  a  farmer's 
yard,  only  to  discover  that  pussy  was  a  skunk. 
Of  course,  we  had  had  to  see  a  good  deal  of  each 
other  in  the  days  following,  and  the  friendship 
thus  begun  had  continued  down  to  that  final 
episode  when,  as  seniors,  we  had  gone  in  sportive 
mood  to  our  tailor's,  and  had  ordered  some  "pants 
made  princess  and  lined  with  black  satin."  He 
had  made  them,  too,  and  had  threatened  to  sue 
us  when  we  balked  at  paying. 

I  'd  touched  Jim  a  thousand  and  one  times  in 


94     JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

the  past,  the  one  time  being  the  day  that  he'd 
had  it  to  lend,  and  he  had  n't  entirely  ignored  me 
in  periods  of  financial  stress.  But  now,  though 
I  'd  come  to  his  office  with  the  idea  of  separating 
him  from  a  hundred  so  quickly  that  the  operation 
would  be  absolutely  painless,  and  then  of  telling 
him  my  pathetic  story,  I  found  myself  holding 
back  and  even  swelling  up  into  my  old  self.  I  sup 
pose  the  breakfast  had  heartened  me,  but  for  some 
reason,  now  that  I  actually  needed  money,  I 
shrank  from  borrowing;  and  now  that  I  had 
real  troubles  to  tell,  I  felt  an  instinctive  desire 
to  keep  them  to  myself.  So  I  only  answered: 
"Whatever  psychological  impulses  the  Governor 
may  have  received  from  you,  Jim,  there  was  n't 
one  to  kiss  and  make  up  among  them;  so  I  'm  now 
reduced  to  the  horrid,  if  temporary,  necessity  of 
going  to  work. " 

"You  work!"  Jim  exclaimed.  "That's  bad. 
Better  try  to  stick  it  out.  For  what  can  you  do, 
Sporty  Boy  ? " 

"Not  a  blamed  thing." 

"I  thought  so;  well,  we'll  have  to  follow  the 
old  prescription,  and  make  an  editor  of  you," 
and  Jim  knitted  his  brows  thoughtfully.  Then, 
bringing  his  fist  down  on  the  table:  "By  jings! 
the  very  thing!  Here  let  me  feel  your  bumps," 
and  he  made  an  imaginary  pass  over  my  head. 


JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      95 

"Just  as  I  supposed  —  gall  —  curiosity  —  im 
agination  —  invention  —  minding  other  people's 
business  —  all  highly  developed.  Reverence  — 
respect  —  accuracy  —  practically  aborted.  This 
is  fine !  This  is  grand !  Why,  man  alive,  you  're 
a  natural-born  reporter.  You  '11  make  a  wonder  — 
a  peach !  Come  along  with  me  and  I  '11  fix  you  up 
in  ten  minutes." 

I  felt  a  little  dubious.  "Do  you  really  think  I 
could  do  it,  Jim?"  I  asked.  "Now,  joshing 
aside,  those  fellows  who  write  for  the  papers  are 
no  end  sharp  and  clever." 

"Do  I  really  think  you  could  do  it?"  exploded 
Jim.  "  Do  I  really  think  a  hog  can  root  ?  Why, 
Spur,  I  pledge  you  my  word  that  you  can't  help 
doing  it  —  you  were  born  to  do  it.  It  would  be  a 
crime  not  to  do  it  —  strangling  an  infant  Horace 
Greeley  in  the  cradle.  Come  along,  and  drop 
this  sweet-young-thing  business.  Be  yourself;  be 
brassy,  and  Sam '11  snap  at  the  chance  to  get  you. 
He  knows  the  hot  stuff  when  he  sees  it. " 

On  the  way  Jim  unbosomed  himself.  One  of 
his  friends  was  the  city  editor  of  a  yellow  news 
paper,  and  it  was  on  him  that  he  proposed  to 
unload  me,  after  enjoining  him  to  keep  my  rela 
tion  to  Con  Spurlock  quiet.  This  was  simple 
enough,  as  I  really  knew  very  few  people  in  New 
York,  having  gone  direct  to  Harvard  from  Akron, 


96     JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

and  having  been  away,  of  course,  through  the 
summer  vacations. 

Jim's  friend  was  a  good  fellow,  with  nice  instincts 
when  his  profession  of  yellow  journalism  per 
mitted,  but  he  did  n't  seem  to  share  Jim's  enthu 
siasm.  Instead,  he  put  forth  some  extremely  dis 
couraging  remarks  about  things  being  slow,  and 
having  to  turn  away  old  men.  It  really  seemed 
a  shame  to  bother  him,  and  I  began  to  apologise 
for  it.  But  Jim  was  n't  to  be  put  off  so  lightly. 
In  fact,  the  only  way  to  put  Jim  off  was  to  put 
him  out. 

"Oh,  I  know  all  that,  Sam,"  he  returned, 
waving  it  aside  airily.  "  But  there  's  always  room 
for  a  star  man  on  any  staff,  and  you  've  got  to  have 
Spur,  really.  Your  sort  through  and  through  — 
yellow  as  a  pup.  He's  got  it  in  him,"  and  he 
tapped  his  forehead  significantly. 

I  tried  to  back  Jim  up  by  looking  intelligent, 
but  Sam's  cold,  leaden  gaze,  as  he  politely,  but 
firmly,  explained  that  he  did  n't  have  to  have  me, 
and  that  he  simply  would  n't  have  me,  reduced  me 
to  stammering  imbecility.  "Of  course,"  he 
wound  up  carelessly,  "if  Mr.  Spurlock  cares  to 
drop  into  Mrs.  Hamilton's  ball  to-night,  and 
picks  up  anything  that  will  make  a  good  story, 
we  can  use  that.  We  're  covering  it  through  the 
basement,  but  something  good  which  the  servants 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      97 

don't  really  get  is  always  likely  to  break  loose 
at  one  of  her  shows,  especially  when  Tom  Burnett's 
around." 

"Fine!  Fine!"  Jim  exclaimed.  "There  's  your 
chance,  Spur.  You  can  break  in  with  a  bang  on 
this.  And,  Sam,  tip  the  night  editor  off  to  let 
his  story  run.  He  '11  get  a  good  one;  don't  you 
fret,"  and  before  I  knew  it  Jim  had  me  out  of 
the  office. 

"But,  Jim,"  I  protested,  as  soon  as  we  gained 
the  street,  "I  don't  know  Mrs.  Hamilton,  and 
I  have  n't  an  invitation  to  her  ball." 

"But  you  have  a  dress  suit  haven't  you? 
And,  if  you  had  an  invitation,  you  would  n't 
feel  that  you  could  do  this  honourably,  would 
you  ?  As  it  is,  you  can  cut  in  with  a  clear  con 
science.  There  '11  be  a  crowd,  and  some  people 
that  you  know  are  sure  to  be  there.  They  '11 
think  that  you  were  invited,  and,  if  you  mix  it 
up  with  them,  every  one  else  will.  Even  if  it 
does  come  to  the  worst,  you  can  always  think 
of  a  way  to  side-step  gracefully.  Why,  it 's  like 
pinching  pennies  from  the  blind  man's  cup  on 
the  corner,  it 's  so  safe." 

"And  about  as  decent,"  I  replied. 

All  the  same  I  went,  and  I  went  hungry,  too, 
for  Jim  had  to  hurry  off,  and  in  my  excitement 
over  the  idea  of  trying  the  thing  on,  I  clean  forgot 


98      JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

to  touch  him  until  it  was  too  late.  It  was  easy, 
too.  Crime  always  was  for  me.  I  had  n't  more 
than  come  down  stairs  —  slinking  as  criminals 
should,  but  never  do  —  and  tactfully  avoided 
my  hostess,  before  I  met  some  fellows  I  knew 
and  was  introduced  by  them  to  some  awfully 
jolly  people.  I  'd  have  had  a  bully  time  if  I 
had  n't  been  so  hungry,  and  could  have  made 
myself  believe  that  I  was  n't  a  mean,  low-down, 
yellow  dog  for  being  there.  Tom  Burnett,  the 
society  cut-up,  and  a  lot  of  other  people  about 
whom  I  'd  been  reading  all  my  life,  came  out 
between  the  "turns"  of  the  hired  vaudeville 
"artists"  and  did  some  screamingly  funny  stants 
and  sprang  some  bully  gags  on  their  friends. 
But  nothing  broke  loose,  as  Sam  called  it,  and 
I  began  to  ask  myself  what  could  break  loose, 
in  a  party  of  friends,  which  the  public  would 
have  a  right  to  know  about  ? 

The  longer  I  stayed,  the  lower  I  got  in  my  mind, 
and  the  more  ashamed  I  was  of  being  there;  but 
between  the  gnawings  of  hunger  and  those  of 
conscience,  hunger  won  in  a  walk  and  I  decided 
to  stay  on  for  supper.  So  when  the  vaudeville 
was  over,  I  wandered  back  to  the  ball-room,  where 
I  would  be  nearer  the  food  belt,  and  there,  sitting 
in  a  corner  with  Brooke  Churchill,  was  Anita. 

Brooke  looked  sulky  and  Anita  bored,  at  which 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL      99 

I  felt  a  glow  of  pleasure.  My  first  instinct  was 
to  side-step  behind  a  clump  of  palms,  as  I  did  n't 
care  to  have  Anita  see  me;  for  she  happened  to 
know  that  I  was  n't  on  Mrs.  Hamilton's  list  of 
acquaintances.  But  even  as  I  sought,  modestly 
and  discreetly,  to  efface  myself,  she  caught  sight 
of  me,  and  smiled  and  bowed.  I  nodded  distantly, 
started  to  turn  away  and  walked  right  up  to  her. 

It  was  a  very  curious  psychological  phenomenon, 
and  one  that  I  have  often  noticed  in  moments 
of  great  temptation.  My  mind  will  be  simply 
adamant  to  resist,  and  then  my  legs  will  absolutely 
refuse  to  obey  the  sharp,  stern  order  of  my  brain 
to  take  me  out  of  danger.  So  I  said,  "Good 
evening,"  tried  to  bow  myself  away  with  some 
conventional  phrase,  and  found,  to  my  dismay, 
that  my  rebellious  tongue  was  boldly  assuring 
Anita  that  it  was  our  waltz.  Instead  of  dissenting, 
she  smiled  up  radiantly,  and  lent  herself  to  the 
little  fraud  with  a  "So  it  is;  how  stupid  of  me 
to  forget." 

"None  but  the  brave  deserve  the  fair,"  I  thought, 
as  Anita  surrendered  herself  to  my  guiding  arm: 
"And  none  but  the  rich  get  them,"  I  added,  as  I 
caught  Brooke  Churchill's  jealous  glare  over  her 
shoulder. 

I  had  hardly  come  to  this  conclusion  before 
Anita  whispered:  "Where  in  the  world  have 


ioo    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

you  been  all  evening,  Jack  ?  I  Ve  been  looking 
for  you  everywhere,"  which  struck  me  as  a  rather 
surprising  statement;  for  she  must  have  known  that 
Mrs.  Hamilton's  was  the  place  of  all  others  in 
New  York  where  she  was  the  least  likely  to  find 
me.  But,  not  to  be  outdone  in  polite  mendacity, 
I  answered:  "Searching  the  house,  from  cellar 
to  garret,  in  a  vain  attempt  to  find  you." 

"I  've  so  much  to  tell  you,"  she  returned, 
and  then,  rather  inconsistently,  fell  silent.  I 
did  not  venture  anything  in  reply,  for  who  but  a 
fool  would  want  to  talk  while  he  was  gliding  into 
heaven  on  a  Strauss  waltz,  holding  Anita  in  his  arms. 

It  might  have  been  an  hour  later,  though  I  suppose 
it  was  only  five  minutes,  when  I  woke  up  to  find 
that  the  music  had  left  us  stranded  near  the  door 
of  the  palm-room.  I  started  to  take  Anita  back 
to  Brooke  Churchill,  afraid  that  if  I  tried  to  say 
"good-night,"  except  in  his  restraining  presence, 
I  might  beg  her  to  elope  with  me  instead.  But 
when  I  had  screwed  myself  up  to  this  agonising 
pitch  of  renunciation,  I  felt  that  every  reasonable 
claim  of  conscience  had  been  satisfied,  and 
carefully  guided  her  away  from  Brooke  Churchill. 
We  had  just  gained  the  door  of  the  palm-room 
and  were  preparing  to  plunge  into  its  deserted 
shadows  —  for  almost  every  one  was  in  the  supper- 
room  now  —  when  I  felt  a  light  touch  on  my 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     101 

shoulder  and  heard  a  rather  husky  voice  say: 
"S'cuse  me;  one  moment,'*  and  turning,  I  found 
myself  face  to  face  with  the  fly  cop  who,  that  very 
morning,  had  tried  to  tip  me  in  Black  Bourke's 
restaurant. 

If  I  had  just  lived  an  hour  in  heaven  with 
Anita,  I  paid  for  it  now  with  a  week  in  hell,  as 
I  read  recognition  in  that  fellow's  eyes.  I  saw 
myself  exposed,  disgraced,  kicked  out,  perhaps 
arrested,  and  played  up  as  the  hero  of  that  yellow 
story  for  which  I  had  sneaked  in  uninvited.  And 
in  that  silent  second  the  immortal  truth  was 
burned  into  my  brain  that  the  time  to  repent  is 
before  it  happens.  How  much  of  this  showed  in 
my  face  I  don't  know,  for  in  almost  the  same 
second  the  thought  that  Anita  must  n't  be  mixed 
up  in  the  mess  came  to  brace  me  and  help  clear 
my  face  of  any  emotion  except  mild  surprise. 
And  when  I  answered,  "  Certainly,  in  a  moment," 
my  voice  was  fairly  even. 

I  took  Anita  to  the  nearest  chair,  where  I  left 
her  with  a  hasty  word  of  excuse,  while  I  drew 
the  detective  aside. 

"Now,  sir,"  I  began,  with  as  much  assurance 
as  I  could  muster,  "what  can  I  do  for  you?" 

"You  can  come  along  with  me  to  headquarters 
without  making  any  disturbance,"  was  the  ready 
and  not  altogether  unexpected  answer. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

I  saw  that  I  was  plainly  It,  and  them  and  those, 
too,  not  to  mention  the  dog,  but  I  tried  to  bluff. 

"What  in  the  devil  are  you  talking  about? 
I  'm  one  of  Mrs.  Hamilton's  guests,  and  so  I 
can't  resent  this  sort  of  thing  here,  but  I  warn 
you  that  you  are  making  serious  trouble  for  your 
self  by  your  blundering." 

"Never  mind  me,  sonny;  I  'm  used  to  havin' 
trouble."  Then,  with  a  sudden  change  from 
the  jocose  to  the  fierce:  "Forget  it  and  come 
along  with  me  —  see  ?" 

o 

I  saw  that  it  was  no  use  unless  I  appealed  to 
my  unconscious  host  through  Anita,  and  I  pre 
ferred  a  quiet  exit  as  a  thief  to  a  public  exposure 
as  a  cad.  So  I  answered:  "I  suppose  I  '11  have 
to,  unless  I  want  to  precipitate  an  unpleasant 
scene;  but  I  warn  you  again  that  this  will  have 
serious  consequences  for  you." 

"Cut  it;  cut  it!" 

"All  right;  just  let  me  explain  to  this  young 
lady  and  say  good " 

"What 's  all  this  about,  Jack  ?"  asked  Anita 
at  my  elbow.  She  had  overheard  enough  of  the 
conversation  to  know  that  something  out  of  the 
usual  was  happening. 

I  answered  with  the  courage  that  comes  from 
the  knowledge  that  one  is  backed  up  against  a 
stone  wall.  "Nothing  much,  except  that  this 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     103 

fellow  has  mixed  me  up  with  some  of  his  East 
Side  friends,  and  it  seemed  simplest  to  have  it 
out  at  headquarters." 

"Oh!"  laughed  Anita  with  sudden  compre 
hension.  "You  're  Mrs.  Hamilton's  detective, 
are  n't  you  ?" 

"Yes,  Miss  Grey,"  the  detective  answered. 
"And  this  man  is  one  of  the  slickest  rnobs  and 
sneak-thieves  in  New  York." 

Anita  laughed.  "Whose  heart  has  he  been 
stealing  now,  Mr.  Detective  ?" 

The  detective  began  to  get  a  little  angry. 
"You  've  been  conned,  Miss  Grey.  I  don't 
know  how  he  managed  to  scrape  acquaintance 
with  you  to-night,  but  he  's  all  to  the  bad.  We  've 
been  wanting  him  for  two  or  three  jobs;  I  almost 
nabbed  him  in  Black  Bourke's  restaurant  this 
mornin'.  You  can  bet  that  when  he  's  searched 
we  '11  find  he  's  made  a  dozen  touches  to-night. 
Have  you  missed  anything  ?" 

I  'd  often  seen  Anita  angry  at  me,  but  I  'd 
never  seen  her  angry  for  me.  One  glimpse  of 
her  flushed  cheeks  and  flashing  eyes  was  enough 
to  repay  me  for  the  whole  unpleasant  experience 
—  until  I  remembered  that  when  she  knew  the 
real  truth  she  'd  feel  nothing  but  contempt  for  me. 

"Nonsense,"  she  protested;  "you  've  simply 
made  a  stupid  blunder.  This  gentleman  is  Mr. 


io4    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

Spurlock,  Jonas  Spurlock's  son,  and  a  very  old 
friend  of  mine." 

"You  're   sure,    miss,   that    you're — " 

"  I  'm  sure  that  you  're  a  fool,"  Anita  inter 
rupted  viciously. 

"  But  I  'm  sure  of  my  man,"  the  detective 
returned  obstinately.  "And  he  was  going  along 
to  headquarters  before  you  backed  him  up. 
Would  he  have  done  that  if  he  was  on  the  level  ?" 

"To  prevent  your  annoying  this  young  lady, 
as  you  are  now,"  I  protested. 

"You  dear  Jack,"  Anita  cried.  "Were  you 
going  to  jail  to  keep  me  out  of  the  muss  ?  Of 
course  you  were."  Then  to  the  detective: 
"Come;  we  've  had  quite  enough  of  this.  If  you 
can't  take  my  word  for  Mr.  Spurlock's  identity, 
go  to  Mr.  Hamilton  and  ask  him." 

I  sincerely  hoped  that  he  would  n't  and  he  did  n't . 
Very  much  against  his  will  he  decided  that  he 
was  mistaken,  grumbled  a  word  of  apology  and 
was  off,  while  Anita,  with  the  indifference  to  supper 
that  is  bred  of  dinner  at  eight,  and  an  unconscious 
ness  that  there  can  be  anyone  in  the  world  who 
has  n't  had  dinner  at  eight,  preceded  me  into  a 
pleasantly  sequestered  corner  of  the  deserted 
ball-room  and  settled  down  beside  me,  repeating 
between  little  bursts  of  laughter,  "The  cleverest 
sneak-thief  in  New  York !  Oh,  Jack ! " 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     105 

I  was  feeling  too  low  in  my  mind  to  care  for 
my  share  of  the  fun,  so  after  making  one  or  two 
feeble  rejoinders,  I  asked,  in  order  to  change 
the  subject: 

"What  was  it  that  you  wanted  to  tell  me,  Anita  ?" 

"That  I  Ve  broken  my  engagement  with  Brooke 
Churchill,"  she  answered.  "Not  because  I  like 
him  less,  but  because  you  Ve  been  neglecting  me 
shamefully  for  a  fortnight,  and  you  Ve  really 
become  a  habit  with  me,  Jack." 

I  could  n't  think  of  anything  to  say,  though  I 
knew  that  I  must  say  something  quick. 

"  Ye-es,"  I  stammered,  in  a  foolish,  meaningless 
way,  and  without  daring  to  look  at  her. 

"Why  don't  you  propose  to  me,  Jack?"  she 
asked  teasingly. 

Only  one  answer  and  no  explanations  go  with 
that  question.  As  I  could  n't  give  it,  I  tried  to 
side-step  with  an  imbecile  joke.  "Oh,  Anita!" 
I  said;  "this  is  so  sudden!" 

"Jack,"  she  began  —  and  there  was  something 
in  her  voice  that  compelled  me  to  look  at  her  — • 
"I — "  Her  eyes  met  mine.  Just  how  much 
she  read  in  them,  I  don't  know,  but  she  was  too 
much  of  a  woman  not  to  understand;  too 
much  of  a  thoroughbred  to  show  that  she  did. 
"  —  must  say  good-night  now,"  she  continued. 
"Brooke  was  so  tiresome  that  he  gave  me  a 


106    JACK  SPURLOCK—  PRODIGAL 

headache,  and  you  're  not  bright  enough  at 
parlour  games  to  cure  it;"  and  before  I  could  find 
my  tongue  she  was  gone.  The  break  between 
her  words  had  been  almost  imperceptible,  but 
in  that  moment  I  had  lost  Anita. 

I  'd  have  been  a  dog  had  I  asked  her  to  marry 
me,  knowing  how  awkward  she  'd  have  found  the 
situation  when  she  learned  the  truth  about  me, 
for  of  course  Anita  could  n't  marry  a  man  with 
out  money  or  expectations.  But  it  hardly  seemed 
a  proper  reward  for  the  only  decent  thing  I  'd 
done  that  evening,  and  the  only  hard  thing  I  'd 
ever  done,  that  I  should  go  home  feeling  like  a 
whipped  cur.  "That  's  what  comes  of  amateurs 
working  at  being  good,"  I  reflected  as  I  left  the 
house,  and  walked  back  to  the  St.  Regis. 

On  the  table  in  my  room  there  were  two  delayed 
letters,  readdressed  from  the  house  by  the  faithful, 
but  careless,  butler. 

The  first  was  a  little  note  from  Anita  that  read: 
"Dear  Jack:  I  want  to  see  you  Wednesday  night, 
so  I  've  asked  Helen  to  send  you  a  card  to  her 
show.  Don't  fail  me.  Anita." 

The  second  was  an  invitation  to  Mrs.  Helen 
Hamilton's  ball. 


CHAPTER  VI 

IN   WHICH   THE    PRODIGAL   MEETS    A    BENEVOLENT 
OLD    GENTLEMAN 

CAME  to  next  morning  with  a  shudder. 
When  it  's  the  day  that  a  fellow 's  going 
to  be  married,  or  to  bury  a  wealthy  uncle  who  's 
made  his  will  right,  I  suppose  that  he  can  wake 
up  glad  of  it;  but  I  've  never  been  one  to  greet 
the  rising  sun  with  song.  If  ever  I  become  head 
of  a  family,  I  'm  afraid  I  '11  start  the  day  by 
kicking  Fido,  spanking  the  twins,  and  saying 
impulsive  things  to  Mrs.  Spurlock.  For  when 
I  come  out  of  a  long  dreamless,  it  's  not  to  re 
member  that  I  'm  to  be  Queen  of  the  May,  but 
that  I  'm  It.  For  some  people  life  is  one  long 
day  before;  for  me  it 's  one  long  morning  after. 
Standing  up,  a  man's  in  position  to  fight,  so  his 
sins  are  careful  how  they  come  around  finding 
him  out;  but  lying  down,  he  's  defenceless.  My 
troubles  came  at  me  from  all  sides,  and  soaked 
it  to  me  till  my  conscience  fairly  ached.  Proved 
yourself  a  bounder  —  lost  Anita  —  fell  down  on 
your  assignment  —  queered  yourself  with  Sam 
and  Jim  —  spoiled  your  last  chance  to  get  a 

107 


loS    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

job  —  wasted  your  Aunt  Julia's  legacy,  and  it 
was  more  than  you  can  make  in  a  thousand 
years  —  missed  your  supper  —  going  to  be  turned 
out  on  the  street  to-day —  starving  —  homeless  — 
friendless — penniless — worthless — have  n't  over 
looked  a  single  one  of  the  known  ways  of  making 
a  fool  of  yourself,  have  you  ?  Thought  up  new 
ones,  even!  Regular  Thomas  A.  Edison  of  dam- 
phoolishness,  ain't  you  ? 

I  dodged,  the  question  and  turned  over  with  a 
groan,  only  to  find  myself  face  to  face  with  the 
ghosts  of  those  fat  days  at  college  when  we  lived 
high  and  stood  low;  when  we  perfected  ourselves 
in  all  the  different  ways  of  spending  money, 
without  learning  a  single  way  of  earning  it.  I 
even  yearned  over  my  lost  Chicago  job,  as  I 
thought  of  the  luxury  and  pomp  in  which  I  could 
live  now  on  twenty  dollars  a  week.  Could  I 
ever  again  fool  anyone  into  giving  me  that  princely 
sum  for  my  services  ?  Not  unless  I  found  a 
feeble-minded  employer  of  the  feeble-minded, 
and  every  one  I  'd  struck  so  far  had  had  at  least 
sense  enough  not  to  want  me. 

What  was  it  other  men  had,  that  I  lacked, 
which  enabled  them  to  get  jobs  ?  What  was 
it  they  could  do,  that  I  could  n't,  for  which 
they  were  paid  real  money  ?  How  did  they 
manage  to  start  out  empty-handed  and  then 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     109 

come  back  to  their  boyhood  homes,  leading 
caravans  laden  with  rich  stuffs  and  the  coin  in 
dray-loads  ?  I  felt  a  sickening  certainty  that  I 
could  never  do  it;  that  if  ever  I  came  back,  I  'd 
be  driving  the  dray.  I  saw  myself  first-assistant 
on  an  ash-cart,  removing  garbage,  digging  sewers, 
selling  papers,  doddering  about  the  almshouse, 
being  buried  in  the  Potter's  Field  —  and  then 
going  to  hell. 

I  squirmed  over  to  tne  other  side,  away  from 
this  awful  thought,  and  then  went  on  to  drama 
tise  it.  Alone  in  New  York!  Not  a  friend  in 
that  great  city!  Not  a  penny  in  his  pocket! 
Midnight  on  Brooklyn  Bridge!  Alas!  Alas!  and 
he  so  young  and  full  of  promise!  Strew  the 
roses  and  group  the  set-pieces  tastily  around 
the  mound.  At  this  climax  of  misery  I  gulped, 
swallowed  my  Adam's  apple  —  it  was  the  only 
breakfast  fruit  in  sight  —  jumped  out  of  bed, 
and  made  for  the  bathroom. 

A  shave  and  a  dip  cheered  me  mightily.  By 
the  time  I  was  dressed  and  had  packed  my  linen 
and  my  evening  clothes  in  a  suit-case,  I  had  a  plan 
of  campaign  mapped  out.  First,  I  must  escape 
from  the  hotel.  Sounds  simple,  so  long  as  I 
did  n't  owe  a  dollar,  but  Napoleon's  passage 
of  the  bridge  of  Lodi,  or  Teddy's  assault  on  San 
Juan  Hill,  looked  like  buying  fame  at  bargain 


no  JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

rates  beside  walking  out  of  a  New  York  hotel 
without  tipping  a  soul. 

I  fixed  it  firmly  in  my  mind  that  if  I  once  let 
my  suit-case  get  out  of  my  hands  I  was  lost,  and 
bolted  for  it.  I  fought  my  way  down  to  the 
office,  through  hall-boys,  elevator-boys,  and  bell 
boys  who,  at  every  step,  leapt  like  tigers  for  my 
bag,  some  trying  to  wrest  it  from  me  by  force, 
some  to  coax  it  away  by  guile,  ail  solicitous  lest 
I  strain  myself  by  so  extraordinary  an  exertion, 
and  reached  the  goal,  flushed  and  uncomfortable, 
but  victorious.  There  I  gave  up  my  room, 
explaining  that  I  'd  suddenly  been  called  West, 
guarding  my  bag  the  while  from  attack  by  two 
boys  who  hovered  on  my  flank.  I  arranged  to 
have  my  trunk  stored  until  called  for,  hoping  that 
the  porter  would  n't  exert  his  full  strength  when 
he  came  to  lift  it,  as  it  might  flip  up  and  hit  him; 
for  it  was  empty.  This  was  purely  a  mental 
hope,  though,  and  I  did  n't  wait  to  verify  it, 
but  ran  the  gauntlet  to  the  exit,  brushed  by  the 
doorman  without  answering  his  solicitous  "Cab, 
sir  ?"  and  found  myself  on  the  Avenue,  disgraced, 
yet  safe.  I  've  heard  that  New  York  hotels  keep 
a  servant  for  every  guest  they  can  accommodate. 
They  must  have  kept  fifty  for  me. 

It  was  a  solemn  moment,  but  I  was  so  delighted 
that  the  ordeal  of  getting  out  of  the  hotel  was 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     in 

over  that  I  felt  nothing  but  elation.  Tipping  is 
undoubtedly  a  grave  evil  —  when  one  doesn't 
tip.  Something  should  be  done  to  stop  it,  and 
the  man  who  leads  the  way  in  this  great  reform 
will  deserve  a  monument  —  and  need,  one,  too  — 
for  he  '11  starve  to  death.  How  vicious,  how 
un-American  some  things  seem  when  one  can't 
afford  to  do  them! 

Treading  the  familiar  primrose  path  to  my 
little  hock-shop  on  Sixth  Avenue  —  so  much  of 
my  stuff  was  hung  up  there  that  I  really  began 
to  feel  a  proprietary  interest  in  it  —  I  commenced 
to  plan  breakfast,  for  at  last  I  was  going  to  eat 
again.  Fatal  mistake  to  think  of  pleasure  before 
business  was  concluded !  The  Hebrew,  seeing 
my  eagerness  and  divining  my  appetite,  viewed 
my  evening  clothes  with  indifference,  my  dinner- 
suit  with  scorn,  and  my  gold  studs  with  contempt. 
Twenty-five  dollars  for  the  lot,  and  a  bad  lot  it 
was.  He  looked  at  me  significantly,  not  at  the 
collateral. 

I  took  it,  feeling  mortified  that  I  owned  such 
pitiful  rags,  ashamed  that  I  must  descend  to  taking 
money  which  was  advanced  out  of  sheer  goodness 
of  heart,  and  put  for  the  nearest  restaurant. 
While  the  steak  was  cooking,  I  had  two  grape 
fruit,  two  orders  of  eggs,  two  pots  of  coffee  and  a 
little  breakfast  bacon.  I  wound  up  with  waffles 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

and  maple  syrup,  gave  the  waiter  a  quarter, 
stuck  a  perfecto  under  my  nose,  and  started  out, 
sassy  and  snappy,  to  find  a  boarding-house. 

All  boarding-houses  looked  alike  to  me,  for 
I  'd  never  been  in  a  New  York  one.  A  man 
told  me  once  that  they  were  like  whiskey,  only 
different,  because,  while  they  were  all  bad,  some 
were  worse  than  others.  So  I  tackled  the  first 
house  where  I  saw  the  sign  "  Rooms  With  Board  " 
displayed,  and  asked  the  slovenly  female 
who  answered  the  bell  for  the  landlady, 
wondering  the  while  what  I  should  say  when  I  was 
asked  for  references.  The  female  looked  me 
over,  and  answered:  "I  'm  her.  Step  right 
in;  I  just  happen  to  have  a  lovely  room  empty." 

She  relieved  me  of  my  bag  with  a  firmness 
which  brooked  no  opposition,  and  led  the  way 
upstairs  to  a  hall  bedroom.  Before  I  saw  it, 
I  knew  that  I  had  taken  it,  and  no  back  talk. 

"  I  *m  not  quite  sure  how  long  my  business 
will  keep  me  in  the  city,"  I  explained  in  a  rather 
apolegetic  tone,  as  I  paid  twenty  dollars  in  advance 
for  two  weeks,  "so  I  shan't  send  for  my  trunk 
just  yet." 

"Oh!  that's  all  right,"  my  landlady  returned 
expansively,  "so  long  as  you  pay  in  advance. 
The  last  gent  that  had  this  room  brought  a  paper 
collar  and  a  copy  of  the  Clipper,  and  got  along 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     113 

quite  comfortable  for  a  week.  Called  one  his 
baggage  and  the  other  his  library.  Quite  a 
josher,  Mr.  Wilkens  was,  but  always  the  gentle 
man."  Then,  after  telling  me  the  hours  for 
meals,  she  left  me  to  settle  myself  in  my  new 
quarters. 

Well,  I  was  almost  broke  again,  but  I  was 
sure  of  a  place  to  eat  and  sleep  for  two  weeks 
at  least,  and  that  seemed  pretty  good  to  a  fellow 
who  'd  never  looked  further  ahead  than  the  next 
day.  The  goodness,  though,  was  more  in  the 
idea  than  in  the  fact.  In  novels,  there  's  always 
an  atmosphere  of  decayed  gentility  about  the 
boarding-house  in  which  the  poor  hero  lives. 
Well,  this  one  had  the  decayed  atmosphere, 
but  there  was  nothing  genteel  about  it,  and 
never  had  been.  As  I  looked  around  my  little 
room,  with  its  dirty  carpet  and  its  cheap  oak 
bed  and  washstand,  I  decided  that  any  man 
who  started  life  in  such  a  room  was  a  hero,  all 
right,  and  that  it  was  up  to  Carnegie  to  find  him 
out  and  pin  the  largest  medal  in  his  collection 
on  his  breast. 

Dinner  was  my  first  meal  at  the  boarding- 
house,  for  I  spent  the  day  down  town  in  a  fruit 
less  search  for  work.  It  was  slightly  past  the 
hour  when  I  reached  my  room,  so,  after  a  hasty 
freshening  up,  I  sniffed  the  nutritious  atmosphere 


u4    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

in  the  hall,  and,  catching  a  fresh  scent  of  corned- 
beef  and  cabbage,  followed  the  trail  down  to  a 
basement  dining-room.  A  yell  of  laughter  greeted 
my  entrance,  and  I  hesitated  in  the  doorway, 
angry  and  disconcerted,  until  I  saw  that  no  one 
was  paying  the  slightest  attention  to  me.  The 
merriment  had  not  been  called  forth  by  anything 
amusing  in  my  appearance,  as  my  vanity  had 
feared,  but  by  a  story  which  a  man  sitting  at  the 
head  of  the  table  was  just  finishing.  The  only 
vacant  chair  in  the  room  was  beside  him,  and, 
rather  awkwardly,  for  I  felt  that  my  fellow- 
boarders  were  taking  my  measure  now,  I  made 
my  way  to  it. 

Between  sips  of  thin  soup  and  bites  of  soggy 
bread,  I  returned  their  stares.  There  were  half 
a  dozen  young  women  at  the  table,  some  pretty 
and  pert,  some  pretty  and  peevish,  one  homely 
and  good-hearted,  no  doubt  —  all  rather  tired 
looking.  One  of  the  men  had  long  hair  and 
wore  a  flowing  silk  tie,  another  had  pink  cheeks 
and  a  lisp,  while  a  third  had  a  bald  head  and  a 
plumber's  moustache,  through  which  he  carefully 
strained  his  soup  before  it  went  gurgling  merrily 
down  his  throat. 

But,  most  of  all,  my  neighbour,  the  story 
teller,  interested  me.  As  I  sat  down  he  greeted 
me  in  a  slight,  but  unmistakable  Southern  accent, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     115 

with  a  polite  "Good  evenin',  suh,"  and  I  noticed 
that  he  wore  a  frock  coat.  "A  minister,"  I 
thought.  "They're  all  great  story-tellers. 
Looks  as  if  I  were  going  to  be  under  religious 
influences." 

The  next  moment  I  modified  that  opinion, 
for  I  overheard  my  pretty  neighbour  on  the  other 
side  saying:  "Well,  he  fined  me  a  day's  pay 
for  that,  and  when  I  asked  him  what  was  the 
use  of  bein'  a  show  girl  if  he  would  n't  give  a 
fellow  a  show,  he  said  he  'd  show  me  if  he  heard 
another  word  out  of  my  yap.  Then  he  put  me 
in  the  back  row,  and  me  the  best  dancer  in  the 
bunch.  And  it  was  all  Jen's  jealousy!  The  idea 
of  that  human  lard-pail  thinkin'  she  can  dance. 
Ain't  she  the  pudge,  though  ?" 

That  made  me  decide  that  the  influences  might 
be  worldly,  after  all;  but  I  was  prepared  to  take 
them  any  way  they  came,  just  so  I  had  n't  struck 
one  of  those  joints  where  "we  're  all  just  one 
large  family,  you  know."  I  had  n't  had  much 
experience,  but  I'd  had  enough  to  know  that  when 
anyone  sprang  the  "just  one  large  family"  gag  she 
was  going  to  renig  on  the  grub,  or  be  impertinently 
curious  about  my  affairs,  or  insist  on  my  joining 
young  John  D.'s  Bible-class,  or  give  me  the  worst 
of  it  someway.  Ever  since  I  was  rusticated 
in  my  freshman  year,  and  the  Widow  Jenkins 


ii6    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

made  me  welcome  as  a  member  of  the  family, 
and  said  she  'd  be  a  mother  to  me,  and  tried 
to  be,  and  it  cost  the  Governor  a  thousand 
to  settle  Ysobel  Jenkins's  breach-of-promise 
suit,  I  have  preferred  to  remain  a  cold  and  distant 
stranger. 

At  this  point  my  diagnosis  of  the  atmosphere's 
ailment  was  verified  by  the  appearance  of  a  New 
England  boiled  dinner,  but  it  tasted  better  than 
the  symptoms.  Nothing  short  of  dog  would  have 
discouraged  my  appetite.  As  we  ate,  I  had  an 
opportunity  to  scrutinise  my  neighbour  more 
carefully.  "Looks  like  Henry  Ward  Beecher," 
I  decided  at  the  first  glance.  "With  a  dash  of 
H.  H.  Rogers  and  Hop.  Smith,"  I  added  at  the 
second.  One  moment  the  lines  around  his  eyes 
were  those  of  a  good-humoured,  easy-going  man, 
who  'd  laughed  his  way  through  life,  and  every 
word  that  dropped  from  his  lips  was  a  lump  of 
sugar.  The  next,  as  he  warmed  up  to  his  subject, 
his  face  furrowed  with  the  lines  a  man  gets  from 
trouble  and  danger,  and  from  facing  both,  and 
then  the  boom  of  battle  sounded  in  his  voice. 

"Don't  tell  me,  suh,"  he  was  saying  to  the 
man  with  the  plumber's  moustache.  "Life's  not 
even  a  gamble  in  this  age  of  commercialism,  fo* 
Fo'tune  deals  from  a  brace  box.  She  's  no  longer 
blind,  but  cross-eyed,  and  she  hoodoos  every 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     117 

square  man  that  sits  in  her  game.  What  show 
have  honesty  and  frugality,  suh  ?  What  chance 
have  you  and  I  in  business  against  the  Spurlocks 
and  the  Harrimans  ?  None,  suh !  I  repeat  it  — 
none.  No  mo'  than  a  Sunday-school  teacher 
at  the  Brighton  track.  Not  so  much,  suh;  fo' 
even  the  veriest  tyro  at  that  noble  spo't  may 
occasionally  pick  a  winnah.  But,  not  content 
with  nullifyin'  the  laws  of  business,  the  hell-houn's 
of  the  System  have  suspended  the  operation  of 
the  beneficent  laws  of  chance." 

It  was  n't  the  language  of  the  cloth. 

"Just  how  have  they  managed  to  do  that, 
sir  ?"  I  ventured  respectfully. 

"  How,  suh  ?  How,  suh  ?"  and  the  Southerner 
transferred  his  attention  to  me.  "Let  me  illus 
trate.  One  mo'nin',  twenty  years  ago,  suh,  I 
was  standin'  in  Hi  Bufort's  bucket-shop  in 
Memphis,  when  my  friend,  Col'nel  Sampson, 
walked  in.  The  Col'nel  had  a  regrettable  habit 
of  imbibin'  quite  freely  in  the  evenin'  and  then  of 
beginnin*  again  next  mo'nin',  befo'  his  better 
nature  had  had  an  oppo'tunity  to  assert  itself. 
So  he  never  really  caught  up  with  himself.  Well, 
suh,  he  was  feelin'  pretty  tol'ably  comf'table 
this  mo'nin';  in  fact,  while  he  could  navigate 
successfully,  fo'  he  never  lost  control  of  his  mem 
bers,  he  could  only  just  stuttah,  and  he  saw 


n8    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

double.  Remarkable  illustration  of  the  compen 
sations  of  Natchah,  suh,  that  when  a  man  loses 
the  power  of  speech,  he  can  see  twice  as  much. 
Well,  suh,  the  Cornel  walked  up  to  the  boa'd; 
tried  to  make  out  the  quotations;  could  n't; 
spread  his  legs  apart;  took  deliberate  aim,  and 
expectorated  at  the  list  of  stocks.  A  very  ungen'- 
manly  trick,  suh,  I  grant  you;  but  perhaps  a 
justifiable  stratagem  under  the  circumstances. 
Then  he  pointed  to  the  spot  on  the  boa'd  —  he 
had  hit  the  L.  &  N.  quotation,  if  I  remember 
rightly  —  and  called  out :  '  Here  you,  Hi,  buy  me 
thousan'  shash  of  thash,'  and,  by  Geo'ge,  suh, 
that  stock  never  did  stop  going  up.  Made  his 
everlastin'  fo'tune  fo'  him.  Now,  suh,  could 
that  happen  under  the  present  system  ?" 

"Why,"  I  admitted,  "I  don't  just  exactly  see 
the  connection." 

"  Don't  see  the  connection,  suh  ?  It 's  per 
fectly  plain.  In  those  days  speculation  was  a 
gentleman's  game,  with  a  fair  spo'tin'  element 
in  it.  Now,  suh,  it  's  played  with  loaded  dice, 
by  a  lot  of  sho't  card  men,  who  'd  rob  an  intoxi 
cated  gentleman  without  the  slightest  compunc 
tion.  Do  I  make  myself  clear,  suh  ?" 

I  was  rather  dazed  by  the  Southerner's  logic, 
but  he  carried  it  off  with  such  fire  and  conviction 
that  I  could  only  murmur  an  assent  —  I  hate 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     119 

fool  arguments  anyway  —  and  ask  him  if  there 
were  no  remedy  for  this  parlous  state  of  affairs. 

"Our  honoured  President  will  find  a  way, 
suh,"  he  returned  with  decision.  "A  great  and 
good  man,  though  not  of  my  political  faith.  I 
have  a  most  profound  admiration  for  him,  despite 
the  unfo'tunate  and  ill-advised  Booker  T.  Wash 
ington  incident.  He  has  my  confidence,  suh." 

We  had  finished  our  dinner,  and  were  leaving 
the  dining-room,  when  my  neighbour  turned 
back  to  me  and  said  cordially:  "I  should  be 
glad  to  continue  our  conversation,  if  you  will 
honah  me  with  yo'  company  in  my  apartment, 

Mr. ,"  and  he  paused  for  me  to  supply 

the  name. 

"Spurlock,  sir  —  Jack  Spurlock,"  I  answered. 
"I  shall  be  delighted  to  accept  your  invitation." 

"A  name  not  unconnected  with  our  topic," 
was  his  comment. 

"  If  you  mean  money,  it 's  quite  unconnected 
with  it  in  my  person,"  I  replied  lightly. 

"A  lack  we  have  in  common,  suh,"  he  answered 
with  a  slight  bow.  "  My  name  is  Jackson  — 
Majah  Geo'ge  MagofHn  Jackson,  suh,  of  Bowlin' 
Green,  Kentucky." 

"A  soldier,  Major?" 

"Of  the  late  unpleasantness,  suh;  but  now  of 
Fo 'tune,  or  perhaps  mo' accurately,  of  Misfo'tune." 


120    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"Brothers  in  arms,"  I  laughed,  and  that  was 
how  my  friendship  with  the  Major  began. 

He  had  a  bully,  big  room,  though  it  was  shab 
bily  furnished,  and  a  trunk,  which  seemed  very 
grand  and  opulent  to  me.  He  planted  me  in 
the  easiest  chair,  gave  me  a  real  cigar,  and  brought 
out  a  bottle  of  Bourbon.  "Say  when,  suh," 
he  requested  as  he  began  to  pour. 

"I  '11  take  mine  with  water,  if  you  please," 
I  interrupted. 

The  Major  set  down  the  bottle  and  hunted 
up  a  tumbler. 

"A  degenerate  age,"  he  commented  sadly. 
"An  era  of  dilution — watered  honah;  watered 
stocks;  watered  whiskey.  I  beg  yo'  pa'don,  suh; 
I  meant  nothin'  personal." 

"Don't  mind  me,  Major,"  I  replied  cheerfully. 
"I  guess  you  've  called  it,"  and  I  lifted  my  glass. 

The  Major  raised  his,  inclined  it  toward  me 
and  tossed  off  his  drink  with,  "Yo'  health,  suh." 
There  was  no  concession  to  the  spirit  of  the  age 
on  his  part,  either  before  or  after  the  operation. 
He  took  his  straight. 

I  set  mine  down  untasted.  For,  as  I  smelt 
the  whiskey  I  decided  that  I  did  n't  want  it,  and 
that  it  was  plain  foolishness  at  this  stage  of  the 
game  to  take  on  a  habit  which  most  employers 
did  n't  seem  to  like.  Then,  too,  for  several  daj*s 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    121 

I  'd  been  wondering  vaguely  whether  there 
might  n't  be  some  rewards  handed  out  nearer 
than  heaven  for  this  be-good  business.  An 
old  hand  at  virtue  would  have  reformed  either 
before  or  after  accepting  the  drink,  but  my  good 
resolutions  are  nothing  if  not  de  trop. 

The  Major,  seeing  that  I  was  slighting  his 
liquor,  promptly  resented  the  implied  reflection 
on  its  quality. 

"Have  no  fears,  suh,"  he  explained  a  little 
stiffly.  "  It  's  from  home,  and  the  best  that  the 
old  State  can  do." 

"  It  is  n't  that,"  I  answered,  rather  shame 
facedly;  "but  I  'm  up  against  it  now,  and  I  don't 
believe  that  it 's  good  business  to  drink  under 
the  circumstances.  In  fact,  I  think  I  '11  cut  it 
out  for  keeps." 

"A  wise  decision,"  the  Major  returned.  "I 
admire,  I  honah  you  fo*  it,"  and  he  dismissed 
the  subject  with  a  flourish.  I  yearned  to  explain 
further,  for  I  could  see  plainly  that  he  thought  I 
had  a  weakness  for  rum.  But  I  refrained,  realis 
ing  the  hopelessness  of  making  a  man  of  the 
Major's  training  understand  that  there  could  be 
any  reason,  except  a  depraved  appetite,  for  ab 
staining  from  a  beverage  which  he  regarded  as 
one  of  the  choicest  blessings  of  Providence.  So 
we  passed  on  to  other  subjects,  and,  under  his 


122    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

sympathetic  questioning,  I  told  him,  with  judi 
cious  reservations,  enough  of  my  story  to  lead 
him  to  believe  that  I  was  a  young  man  of  good 
family,  who,  owing  to  his  father's  death  had  had 
to  leave  college  and  hunt  for  work. 

"A  terrible  indictment  of  modern  conditions!" 
he  exclaimed,  when  I  had  finished.  "A  hellish 
system,  suh,  under  which  a  gentleman  of  birth 
and  breeding  a  young  man  of  intelligence  and 
parts,  if  you  will  permit  me  to  say  it  to  yo'  face, 
suh,  cannot  find  honourable  employment!  Per 
haps,  though  at  the  moment  my  own  circum 
stances  are  none  too  prosperous,  I  may  be  able 
to  suggest  somethin'.  If  nothing  better  offers," 
he  added  musingly,  "there  is  always  Lah  Grip- 
pah." 

"Lahwhat?"     I  asked. 

"Lah  Grippah,"  he  repeated.  "My  simple 
remedy  fo*  simpletons.  The  name,  of  cou'se, 
is  an  adaptation  from  the  French  fo*  influenza. 
I  have  found  it  a  useful  crutch  in  periods  of 
adversity." 

I  couldn't  believe  my  ears.  "A  medicine 
that  you  sell  ?"  I  questioned. 

"Exactly,  my  deah  boy,  when  all  other  means 
of  makin*  an  honest  livelihood  fail  me  temporarily. 
Not  that  makin'  money's  hard;  any  child  can  do 
that,  but  keepin*  it 's  a  grown  man's  game." 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL     123 

"But  selling  this  Lah  Grippah  isn't  your 
regular  business  ?"  I  persisted,  a  little  rudely. 

"No,  suh,"  the  Major  replied.  "In  my  time 
I  *ve  played  many  parts  and  many  games." 

"I  suppose,  Major,"  I  ventured,  bent  on  finding 
out  what  the  old  fellow  really  did  do  for  a  living, 
"that  the  late  unpleasantness,  which  had  so 
much  to  do  with  changing  conditions  in  the  South, 
cost  you  your  property  ?" 

"On  the  contrary,  suh,  it  did  n't  cost  me  a 
dollar.  In  fact,  though  at  times  I  have  found 
myself  possessed  of  considerable  sums  of  ready 
money,  I  have  never  been  a  man  of  prope'ty  in 
the  strict  sense  of  the  word.  I  abandoned  my 
profession,  the  law  —  a  jealous  mistress,  suh, 
and  I  was  fickle  —  befo'  the  wah,  as  I  did  not 
find  its  practice  so  lucrative  as  I  had  hoped.  Fo' 
some  years  thereafter  I  travelled,  largely  on  the 
Mississippi  River.  It  was  the  decline  in  steam- 
boatin',  suh,  the  adoption  of  less  leisurely  methods 
of  travel,  that  cut  into  my  income  and  fo'ced 
me  to  come  No'th  and  engage  in  trade.  Befo' 
this  blank  era  of  distrust  and  commercialism  one 
could  always  find  gentlemen  ready  and  anxious 
to  play.  But  the  System  has  spared  nothin', 
suh.  It  has  debased  our  national  games,  even. 
Sharpers  sit  around  the  poker  table.  Invention 
has  busied  itself  with  the  faro  box.  A  so'did 


124    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

and  cold-blooded  generation  yells  for  the  police 
when  asked  to  take  a  hand  in  a  friendly  little 
game." 

"Yes,  I  know,"  I  nodded  sympathetically. 
"But  after  the  river  played  out  and  faro  became 
an  exact  science,  how  did  you  make  out  then  ?" 

"  In  various  ways,  suh  —  some  good,  some 
bad,  all  honest.  A  man  with  his  wits  about 
him  can  always  find  enough  people  who  've  lost 
their's  to  earn  an  honest  dollar  when  he  needs 
one.  Just  now  my  funds  are  toPably  low,  owin' 
to  an  unfortunate  speculation  in  Bibles." 

"In  Bibles!"  I  exclaimed,  my  curiosity 
aroused  again,  as  I  saw  my  chameleon  changing 
back  into  a  minister.  "How's  that?" 

"A  most  ill-advised  undertaking  suh,  and  a 
departure  from  principle  fo'  which  I  was  prope'ly 
punished.  I  was  just  back  from  a  lucrative 
tour  with  Lah  Grippah,  fo'  the  weather  had  been 
singularly  propitious,  so  much  so  that  when  I 
would  assemble  an  audience  I  could  sca'cely 
make  myself  heard  fo'  the  blowin'  of  noses. 
But,  while  I  was  in  no  immediate  want,  I  have 
reached  a  time  of  life,  suh,  when  a  gentleman 
begins  to  develop  an  insatiable  curiosity  to  know 
who  is  goin'  to  pay  his  boa'd  bill  next  month. 
An  evenin'  at  stud  poker  —  a  noble  game,  suh, 
when  played  under  proper  auspices  —  from 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     125 

which,  through  a  belated  smile  of  fo'tune  in  the 
shape  of  fo'  aces,  I  escaped  sho't  of  complete 
disaster,  hastened  my  decision.  I  have  regretted 
since,  suh,  that  I  did  not  lose  my  money  like  a 
gentleman,  instead  of  fritterin'  it  away  tryin' 
to  elevate  a  race  which  I  am  inclined  to  think 
deserves  its  misfo'tunes." 

"But  if  Lah  Grippah  is  such  a  cinch,"  I  inter 
rupted, "why  don't  you  keep  right  along  with  that?" 

"Lah  Grippah  is,  as  you  observe,  tol'ably 
certain,"  the  Major  returned  with  an  access  of 
dignity, "  but  the  —  er  —  publicity  attendant  on  dis- 
pensin'  it  to  the  —  er — afflicted  is  most  unpleasant 
to  me.  In  huntin'  fo'  somethin'  mo'  in  keepin' 
with  my  tastes,  somethin'  of  a  speculative  natchah, 
which  affo'ded  a  wider  margin  fo'  profit  or  loss, 
I  called  on  a  publisher  with  whom  I  had  once 
done  a  stroke  of  business,  introducin'  to  our 
people  that  wonde'ful  volume,  the  Martahs  of 
the  Confederacy,  a  complete  history  of  the  Lost 
Cause  and  its  heroes,  stimulatin',  educational 
and  patriotic,  yet  as  entertainin'  as  a  novel. 

"I  digress,  suh,  but  I  can  never  think  of  that 
admirable  volume  without  my  enthusiasm  run- 
nin*  away  with  me.  I  may  have  mentioned  to 
you,  suh,  that  I  had  the  honah  of  servin*  under  the 
gallant  and  universally-beloved  Buckner  durin'  the 
late  wah.  A  great  general,  a  peerless  leader,  suh! 


ia6    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"Well,  in  pokin'  around  among  the  publisher's 
stock  I  came  across  the  unbound  sheets  of  a 
tremenjous  big  book,  bigger  than  an  unabridged 
Webstah.  That  looked  promising  fo'  it  has 
been  my  experience  that  our  people  want  to 
buy  their  prose  by  the  pound  and  their  po'try 
by  the  wrapper. 

"'What's  that,  suh  ?'  I  asked  of  the  pub 
lisher,  pointing  at  the  pile  with  my  stick. 

"'Bibles,  Majah,'  he  answered.  'Family 
Bibles,  and  I  wish  I  could  find  the  families. 
They  'd  hardly  interest  you,  though.  Quiet 
readin'.  Not  up  to  date  and  snappy  enough 
fo'  yo'  trade.' 

"But  they  do  interest  me,  suh,'  I  replied 
'There  ought  to  be  right  smart  of  a  trade  fo'  a 
book  as  big  as  that.' 

"Nothin'  doin',  Majah,'  was  his  discouragin' 
comment.  'We  're  stung  on  'em.  Used  to  be  so 
that  every  jay  in  the  country  had  to  have  one  in  the 
best  room  along  with  the  wax  pond-lilies  and 
the  crayon  of  grandpop,  the  human  billygoat. 
Now  they  're  plum  out  of  style.  No  demand 
except  fo'  po'table  sizes  a  la  Oxford.  Had  'em 
ten  years,  and  could  n't  sell  'em  to  a  Chink  in 
an  infant  class.' 

"It  was  the  word  'Chink'  that  did  it. 

"'But,  by  Geo'ge,  suh,  I  can  sell  them,'  I  said, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     127 

bangin*  my  stick  down  with  one  of  those  sudden 
inspirations  that  I  have  so  often  found  a  sou'ce 
of  profit  in  the  past.  'If  you  '11  illustrate  them 
fo'  me  I  '11  take  the  whole  blank  lot.' 

"Well,  suh,  in  ten  minutes  I  was  the  possessor 
of  a  thousand  Bibles,  big  enough  to  fill  a  box- 
cah,  which  I  proposed  to  make  a  powe'ful  means 
fo'  good  in  my  home  State,  and  incidentally  to 
one  of  its  deservin'  sons.  The  publisher  agreed 
to  bind  them  in  plush  fo'  me  and  to  illustrate 
them  profusely  with  coloured  angels." 

"Was  there  anything  very  novel  about  that?" 
I  interrupted.  "It  seems  to  me  I  've  seen  Bibles 
with  coloured  illustrations  somewhere." 

"Not  with  my  kind  of  coloured  illustrations, 
suh,"  the  Major  returned,  smiling  indulgently. 
"My  angels  were  to  be  blue-black,  and  saddle- 
coloured,  and  gingah-coloured  —  any  shade  but 
white.  In  sho  't,  suh,  they  were  to  be  coons, 
and,  as  you  may  have  observed,  the  Afro-Ameri 
can  carries  his  instability  and  fickleness  of  char 
acter  even  into  the  matter  of  his  colour.  I  aimed 
to  fetch  all  shades.  That  was  the  nubbin  of 
my  idea,  suh." 

"Coons!  You  mean  that  the  illustrations  were 
to  be  of  Negro  angels  ?"  I  asked,  not  quite 
grasping  the  idea  as  yet. 

"Exactly,    suh.     Well,    to    proceed:    I    placed 


i28    JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

myself  in  communication  with  a  friend  in  Ken 
tucky,  and  learned  that  there  was  sho'tly  to  be  a 
big  nigger  camp-meetin*  at  Hominy  Run;  so 
I  shipped  my  Bibles  there  and  followed  them  in 
person.  You  begin  to  sense  the  idea,  suh  ? 
You  begin  to  apprehend  a  certain  blank  novelty 
in  the  conception  ?" 

I  admitted  that  I  was  beginning  both  to  sense  the 
idea  and  to  apprehend  a  certain  blank  novelty. 
"You  ought  to  have  added  a  rag-time  hymn- 
book  to  your  line,"  I  suggested. 

"Not  a  bad  idea,  suh,"  the  Major  replied,  paus 
ing  as  if  to  make  a  mental  note  of  it  before  he 
continued. 

"Well,  there  must  have  been  five  thousand 
singin',  shoutin',  watermelon-eatin'  niggers  at 
that  camp-meetin',  and  there  seemed  to  be  a 
good  deal  of  money  circulatin'.  It  sho'ly  did 
look  promising  though  I  confess  that  I  did  not 
relish  the  thought  of  descendin'  to  doin'  business 
with  niggers,  even  though  it  was  largely  of  a 
missionary  character.  I  have  no  prejudice  against 
the  African,  suh,  in  his  proper  place  as  a  servant; 
but  I  have  always  felt  that  a  grave  mistake  was 
made  in  admittin'  him  to  the  ballot  and  the 
privileges  of  a  citizenship  fo'  which  he  is  totally 
unfitted  by  natchah.  Fo'tunately,  the  thought 
of  our  best  people  has  found  a  way  to  stop  in- 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     129 

judicious  and  indiscriminate  votin*.  I  need  not 
remind  a  gentleman  of  yo*  education  that  the 
Anglo-Saxon  race  will  never  brook  Negro  domi 
nation. 

"The  familia'ty  and  insolence  with  which  I 
was  treated  while  I  was  making  my  arrangements 
to  set  up  on  the  grounds  fairly  made  my  blood 
boil,  but  I  remembered  that  my  mission  was  of  a 
semi-religious  natchah,  and  so  managed  to  appear 
ca'm  throughout  that  tryin'  ordeal. 

"When  my  stand  was  ready  and  my  Bibles 
stacked  up,  I  had  no  difficulty  in  attractin'  a 
crowd;  in  fact,  some  nigger  passed  the  word 
around  that  I  was  a  white  bishop,  who  had  come 
to  preach  to  them,  and  I  blush  to  confess  that 
I  humoured  them  in  the  delusion.  I  painted  an 
eloquent  and  movin'  picture  of  the  wrongs  that 
the  African  had  suffered  in  ancient  times  as  a 
subject  race,  drawin*  freely  on  the  Old  Testa 
ment  fo'  illustration,  and  the  Amens  began  poppin' 
all  over  the  crowd.  As  I  warmed  up,  I  reckon 
I  hollered  a  little,  fo*  the  first  thing  I  knew  I  had 
an  old  Auntie  wavin'  toward  me  through  the 
crowd,  shoutin'  'Glory;  I  'se got  it!  'I  was  strongly 
tempted  to  stop  right  there  and  make  a  first  sale, 
but  I  decided  that  I  'd  better  get  them  comin* 
a  little  stronger.  So  I  kept  on  to  slavery  times 
in  our  beloved  Southland,  intending  I  blush  to 


130    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

say,  to  slander  that  halcyon  period  of  our  country's 
history  fo'  the  sake  of  a  few  paltry  dollars.  But, 
as  I  thought  of  the  old  days,  I  found  myself 
drawin'  a  picture  of  the  care-free  lives  that  the 
slaves  had  led  on  the  old  plantation,  with  the 
banjos  twangin*  and  the  fried  chicken  and  hog- 
meat  passin'  round,  which  moved  me  to  tears, 
and  was  not,  I  think  I  may  say,  entirely  wasted 
on  the  mo'  intelligent  members  of  my  audience. 
I  am  afraid,  though,  that  I  made  mo*  mouths 
than  eyes  water,  fo'  I  have  been  told  that  I  have 
a  singularly  felicitous  manner  of  describin'  the 
delights  of  the  table.  Comin'  to  my  climax,  I 
showed  them  how,  since  the  wah,  they  had  been 
slighted  in  science  and  art  and  literature,  and 
even  in  religion;  how,  in  sho't,  everything  was 
now  in  the  hands  of  double-faced  Yankees,  who, 
while  pretendin'  to  love  the  Negro,  were  really 
his  worst  enemies,  carryin'  their  secret  animosity 
into  the  printin'  of  his  Bible  even.  But  this 
great  wrong  was  now  to  be  righted.  I  had  come 
to  this  camp-meetin',  representin'  an  association 
of  benevolent  Southern  gentlemen,  who,  as  a 
pure  labour  of  love,  and  at  great  expense  to  them 
selves,  had  prepared  an  edition  of  the  Bible  in 
which  the  coloured  race  was,  fo'  the  first  time, 
treated  fairly.  These  Bibles  I  would  distribute 
among  them  at  a  purely  nominal  charge,  barely 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL     131 

sufficient  to  cover  cost  of  packin'  and  freight. 
The  books  themselves  were  really  a  free  gift  — 
a  splendid,  a  glorious,  an  upliftin'  philanthropy. 

"Well,  suh,  that  crowd  fairly  Amened  and 
Hallelujahed  itself  hoa'se,  and,  seizin'  the  psy 
chological  moment,  I  motioned  to  my  assistants 
to  pass  around  the  Bibles.  It  looked  as  if  I  were 
goin'  to  reap  a  rich  reward  fo'  my  labours. 
The  coons  fairly  fell  over  themselves  reachin' 
fo'  the  books,  but  as  soon  as  they  looked  at  the 
pictures,  their  demeanah  underwent  an  extrao'- 
dinary  change.  Instead  of  manifestin'  the  plea 
sure  I  had  a  right  to  expect,  suh,  as  some  slight 
return  fo'  my  thoughtfulness,  they  simply  passed 
the  books  back  to  my  assistants  and  melted  away. 
Almost  befo'  I  knew  it,  I  was  alone  with  my 
two  assistants,  my  thousand  Bibles  and  one  old 
darky,  and  he  was  startin'  to  hobble  off.  I  was 
simply  astounded  —  astounded  and  insulted,  suh, 
at  receivin'  such  treatment  from  a  parcel  of  blank 
niggers.  But  I  had  too  much  at  stake  to  resent 
the  outrage  as  it  should  have  been  resented,  suh  — 
with  my  stick.  So  I  called  after  the  old  darky: 

"'Hi,   there,   uncle;   you   come   back   here!' 

"The  old  fellow  hobbled  up  to  me  reluctantly. 

"'What's  the  matter  with  those  rascally  nig 
gers  ?'  I  questioned  sharply,  fo'  my  temper 
was  a  trifle  on  edge.  'What  do  they  mean  by 


i32    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

runnin'  away  from  these  Bibles,  after  a  lot  of 
kind,  charitable  gentlemen  have  gone  to  all  this 
trouble  and  expense  fo'  them  ?  Do  they  reckon 
I  've  got  nothin'  to  do  tbut  stand  around  here 
shoutin'  myself  hoa'se  to  amuse  a  pack  of  black 
scalawags  ?' 

'"I  reckon  dey  didn't  like  de  picters,  boss/ 
the  darky  answered. 

"I  sho'ly  was  irritated  now.  'Didn't  like 
the  pictures  ?'  I  shouted.  'What  was  the  matter 
with  those  pictures,  you  black  scoundrel  ?  You 
answer  me  that  —  quick!' 

"'Well,  boss,'  he  replied,  with  a  conciliatory 
smile,  'it 's  dish  yere  way.  Dem  picters  ain't 
dezackly'  accordin'  to  our  understandin*  ob  de 
hereafter.  Our  pasture  has  done  promised  us 
niggers  dat  we  '11  all  be  white  in  heben,  and  we 
jest  natchelly  won't  buy  no  Jim-Crow  Bibles.' 

"And,  by  Geo'ge,  suh!"  the  Major  concluded, 
swelling  with  rage  at  the  remembrance  of  his 
wrongs,  "the  old  fellow  was  right.  I  'd  have 
had  to  work  my  way  back  here  with  Lah  Grip- 
pah,  if  I  had  n't  finally  managed  to  sell  the  Bibles, 
on  the  strength  of  their  size  and  plush  covers, 
fo'  two-bits  apiece,  after  tearin'  out  the  pictures. 
I  was  richly  punished,  suh,  but  I  deserved  it, 
and  the  experience  has  confirmed  me  in  my 
impression  that  any  attempt  at  social  or  business 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     133 

relations  between  the  two  races  is  most  vicious 
and  ill-advised.  The  African  is  not  fitted,  either 
by  natchah  or  by  trainin',  to  accept  our  civilisa 
tion,  suh." 

It  was  almost  midnight  when  the  Major  and 
I  separated,  with  mutual  expressions  of  pleasure 
in  our  new  acquaintance.  I  went  to  my  dingy 
little  room  and  crept  in  between  the  damp  sheets, 
grinning  a  little  over  the  Major,  but  mightily 
cheered,  all  the  same,  at  having  made  a  first 
friend  in  my  new  world.  For  the  Major's  last 
words  as  we  parted  had  been:  "Give  yo'self 
no  concern  about  yo'  finances,  my  deah  boy. 
The  Lo'd  will  provide."  And  then,  as  if  to  lend 
this  pious  assurance  some  substantial  backing, 
he  added:  "And  if  He  doesn't,  I  will,  suh. 
The  world  is  full  of  ideas,  and  ideas  are  money  — 
if  you  get  hold  of  the  right  ideas.  We  're  a  good 
pair,  suh,  and  we  '11  draw  to  our  hand." 


CHAPTER  VII 

IN  WHICH   THE    PRODIGAL   HAS   A    SURPRISING 
ADVENTURE 

AFTER  what  happened  during  the  next  few 
days  I  should  have  felt  like  going  straight  to 
the  devil,  if  I  had  n't  already  gone  and  had  n't 
been  so  busy  trying  to  get  back.  Then,  too, 
it  takes  money  to  make  the  trip  properly,  and 
having  once  travelled  de  luxe  on  the  downward 
path,  I  did  n't  fancy  a  Coney  Island  excursion 
over  the  same  route. 

My  luck  would  have  made  a  courageous  gambler 
hang  himself.  I  am  not  superstitious,  but  I 
know  a  hoodoo  when  I  see  one,  and  it  does  n't 
have  to  be  cross-eyed  and  have  thirteen  burned 
in  the  skin  at  that.  And  I  had  a  hoodoo  that 
was  twins.  There  Js  a  curious  disease  that  some 
women  have  called  cat-fear.  When  one  who  has  it 
finds  poor  pussy  straying  about  the  house,  she  acts 
as  if  she  'd  discovered  a  burglar  under  the  bed. 
Well,  mine  is  bear-fear.  The  first  time  a  bear 
got  me  into  trouble,  I  was  willing  to  believe  that 
it  was  an  accident,  but  now  I  know  that  bears 
are  worse  luck  for  me  than  corns  for  Cinderella, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     135 

with  the  courtly  young  salesman  kneeling  at  her 
feet  and  saying,  "Let  me  try  on  this  number  two, 
miss." 

It  was  almost  nine  o'clock  when  I  got  down 
to  breakfast  the  morning  after  my  first  meeting 
with  the  Major,  and  I  found  that  a  tall  and  very 
slim  young  woman  and  the  Major  were  the  only 
occupants  of  the  room.  After  they  had  given 
me  good  morning,  the  slim  young  woman  with 
drew  almost  immediately,  looking,  because  of 
the  extraordinarily  tight  skirt  that  she  wore, 
like  a  single  leg  stalking  haughtily  out  of  the  room. 

The  Major  followed  her  with  a  compassionate 
glance.  "A  most  unfo'tunate  case,  suh,"  he 
explained.  "Too  tall  fo'  the  Merry,  Merry 
Madcap  Maids  ballet;  too  narrow  fo'  the  Happy, 
Healthy  Hottentots  Are  We  song.  And  when 
she  asked  fo'  a  place  in  the  May-Day  dance, 
the  insultin'  hound  of  a  manager  allowed  that 
she  could  be  the  Maypole.  It  makes  my  blood 
boil,  suh,  to  think  of  a  refined  and  high-toned 
young  lady  like  that  bein'  subjected  to  such  das 
tardly  insinuations.  We  must  try  to  help  her, 
Jack." 

"Is  she  hard  up?"  I  questioned,  grinning 
as  I  thought  of  the  dollar-seventy  that  constituted 
my  own  cash  assets. 

"Not   fo'    money,    suh,"    the    Major    replied, 


136    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

glaring  reprovingly  at  me;  "but  fo'  sympathy, 
fo'  encouragement,  fo'  some  one  who  won't  laugh 
at  her  foolish  little  hopes  and  ambitions;  fo'  some 
one,  suh,  to  whose  eye  the  tear  of  —  er  —  com 
passion  is  not  a  stranger;  who  will,  in  sho't,  ap- 
precia' e  the  duties  and  —  er  —  responsibilities 
of  chivalrous  manhood  toward  unprotected  and 
—  er  —  distressed  womanhood,"  and  the  Major 
sputtered  out  his  peroration  in  a  fine  spray. 

"Quite  right,  Major,"  I  answered,  dexterously 
dodging  his  flowers  of  speech.  "  I  really  was  n't 
smiling  at  theyoung  lady's  troubles,  but  at  my  own." 

"A  very  proper  attitude  toward  them,  suh," 
the  Major  commented,  relaxing  into  good  humour 
again,  and  talking  with  less  hydraulic  pressure 
behind  his  words.  "A  gentleman  should  always 
laugh  at  his  own  troubles;  but  never  at  another's. 
Would  it  seem  indelicate,  suh,  if  I  inquired  into 
the  condition  of  yo'  finances  ?" 

"Not  indelicate  of  you  to  inquire,  Major,  but 
most  indelicate  of  me  to  refer  to  anything  that 
has  fallen  so  low.  I  'rn  down  to  one-seventy 
and  these  mementos  of  my  past,"  and  I  pro 
duced  a  bundle  of  pawntickets  that  would  have 
choked  a  cow,  though  I  have  never  heard  of 
that  rather  mercenary  animal  being  verbally 
choked  on  anything  except  a  roll  of  greenbacks. 

The   Major's  good   humour  expanded   into   a 


T 


Q  -Q 


rt     to 
"o    « 


"c   E 

<  rt 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     137 

broad  grin.  "By  Geo'ge,  suh,"  he  commented, 
"you  have  not  been  idle." 

"On  the  contrary,  Major,"  I  answered,  "I 
have  been,  and  that 's  why  I  have  this  collection 
of  souvenir  postals." 

The  Major  took  the  bundle  and  skinned  it  as 
if  it  were  a  hand  at  poker.  "We  must  have  this 
out,  my  deah  boy,"  he  said,  pausing  at  a  ticket 
marked,  "One  D.  suit."  "The  rest  can  wait 
till  Fo'tune  deals  us  somethin'  better  than  deuces; 
but  evenin'  clothes  are  capital  in  New  York. 
In  this  town,  Oppo'tunity  does  n't  go  to  bed 
with  the  chickens.  She  's  as  likely  to  knock  at 
our  do'  after  six  as  befo',  and  to  request  the  plea 
sure  of  our  company  on  Fifth  Avenue  as  on  Sixth. 
We  must,  like  good  soldiers,  be  ready  fo'  the  call 
of  duty,  suh." 

"  But,  Major,"  I  stammered,  not  quite  knowing 
how  to  refuse  an  offer  made  in  so  kindly  a  spirit, 
particularly  as  I  'd  never  made  a  specialty  of 
refusing  things;  "it's  awfully  bully  of  you  to 
want  to  do  this  for  me,  but  I  'm  starting  out  right 
now  to  hunt  for  a  job;  so  I  hope  I  won't  need  to 
take  advantage  of  your  generosity." 

"A  job,  suh?"  the  Major  questioned,  swelling 
up  into  his  majestic  manner  again  —  "A  job, 
'suh  ?  And  what  kind  of  a  job,  might  I  venture 
to  inquire  ?" 


138    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"Any  kind  of  a  job/'  I  replied,  feeling  from 
something  in  my  companion's  tone  that  I  was 
making  a  degrading  and  incriminating  confession. 

"You  amaze  me,  Jack,"  was  his  comment. 
"I  respect,  I  honah,  I  admire  yo*  pluck,  but  I 
deprecate  the  suicidal  resolution  to  which  it  has 
brought  you.  Why,  suh,  the  first  thing  you 
know,  you  will  find  yo'self  engaged  in  the  lowest 
fo'ms  of  mercantile  pursuits,  pushin'  a  pen, 
poundin*  a  typewriter,  hoppin'  to  do  the  biddin' 
of  some  jackanapes  who  has  no  higher  ambition 
than  note  shavin',  or  buyin'  and  sellin'  fo'  a 
picayune,  hucksterin'  profit.  I  repeat  it  in  all 
sincerity,  Jack  —  you  amaze  me." 

I  began  to  feel  a  little  amazed  myself  that  I 
had  even  contemplated  taking  one  of  these  pitiful 
jobs. 

"  But  what  can  a  fellow  do,  Major  ?"  I  in 
quired  apologetically.  "Everybody  says  that  a 
man  must  start  in  at  the  bottom  in  business, 
and  work  up.  How  else  can  he  learn  ?" 

"Everybody  lies,  then,"  the  Major  thundered. 
"Look  at  me,  suh!  Did  I  ever  start  in  at  the 
bottom  of  anythin'  ?  Never,  suh!" 

It  occurred  to  me  that  he  'd  never  got  to  the 
top  of  anything,  but  I  repelled  the  unworthy 
thought,  and  replied: 

"That  may  be,  but  I  tried  starting  in  at  the 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     139 

top,  and  I  came  down  and  through  and  out  in 
China,  much  to  the  displeasure  of  the  Chinks. 
I  'm  afraid  that  my  business  head  is  a  cabbage, 
and,  after  all,  somebody  has  to  be  a  clerk." 

"Yes,  suh,  somebody  has  to  be,  but  let  it  be 
somebody  else,"  the  Major  retorted.  "Can't  you 
see,  my  deah  boy,  that,  if  you  have  no  head  fo' 
business,  under  no  circumstances  should  you 
consider  engagin'  in  trade,  especially  in  a  menial 
capacity  ?  If  you  had  capital,  suh,  yo'  inaptitude 
fo'  commerce  would  not  be  a  matter  of  any  par 
ticular  impo'tance,  fo'  then  you  could  employ 
others  to  attend  to  all  the  triflin'  details  fo'  you, 
and  content  yo'self  with  takin'  the  profits.  But 
it  grieves  me,  Jack,  to  think  of  a  young  man  of 
yo'  ability  and  attainments  throwin'  away  his 
God-given  talents  and  becomin'  the  hirelin'  of  a 
Trust,  slavin'  fo'  a  pittance,  without  hope  [and 
without  ambition,  and  then  bein'  flung  aside 
to  starve  when  he  is  wo'n  out  and  wo'thless." 

"Who  said  anything  about  slaving  without  hope 
or  ambition  ?"  I  demanded,  feeling  a  mixture 
of  pleasure  and  irritation  in  the  Major's  comments. 

"Who  said  it,  suh?"  the  Major  returned  im 
pressively.  "I  said  it,  suh.  I  affirm  it,  I  reiterate 
it,  suh.  It  is  part  and  pa'cel  of  our  monst'ous 
system,  suh,  that  is  limitin'  the  oppo'tunities 
of  our  young  men  till  there  is  no  career  open  to 


i4o    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

them  except  that  of  an  underpaid  servant  of  an 
overbearin'  monopoly.  And  the  scoundrels  in  con 
trol,  not  content  with  absorbin*  all  the  currency  in 
circulation  and  makin'  a  gentleman's  note  of 
hand  absolutely  unnego;iable  unless  it  is  backed 
up  with  bonds  —  a  piece  of  grim  humour  on  their 
part,  suh,  fo*  who  would  care  to  borrow  if  he 
owned  bonds  ?  —  are  stealthily  and  relentlessly 
inculcatin*  ideals  of  pa'simony  and  ploddin' 
among  our  youth,  breedin'  a  race  of  tin-ho'n 
spo'ts  and  pikers,  suh,  fo'  whom  one  who  had 
the  pleasure  of  playin'  with  their  fathers  can 
feel  nothin'  but  contempt.  But  the  old  days 
are  gone,  suh,  when  a  gentleman  left  the  so 'did 
details  of  his  estate  to  his  overseer;  when  courtesy 
was  a  creed  and  hospitality  a  religion,  and  a 
social  evenin'  at  cards  the  relaxation  of  gentlemen. 
No'thern  capital  and  Yankee  methods  have  made 
the  older  generation,  to  which  I  have  the  honah 
of  belonging  suh,  feel  that  they  are  blank  Ish- 
maelites  in  their  own  country." 

I  felt  mighty  sorry  for  the  Major,  but  I  was 
something  of  an  Ishmaelite  myself,  so  I  repressed 
my  tears,  and  gently  led  the  conversation  back 
to  the  point  with: 

"Well,  what  do  you  advise,  then  ?" 
"That  you  shun  offices  like  the  plague;  that 
you  refuse  to  stultify  yo'  intellect  by  addin'  two 


JACK  SPURLOCK-- PRODIGAL     141 

and  two;  that  you  be  man  enough  not  to  soil  yo* 
hands  countin'  the  dirty  money  that  another  is 
wringin'  from  barter  in  the  necessities  of  life; 
in  sho't,  that  you  abjure  all  these  trifling  trashy 
ways  of  keepin*  body  and  soul  together,  and  use 
the  wits  that  the  Lo'd  has  given  you  to  live  like 
an  Anglo-Saxon  and  a  gentleman.  A  fair  idea 
is  a  livin';  a  good  one  is  a  competence;  and  the 
Big  Idea  is  a  fo'tune.  Fair  ideas  are  plenty: 
I  can  get  them  any  evenin'  over  a  quiet  glass; 
but  together,  suh,  yo'  wits  and  mine,  we  '11  find 
the  Big  Idea." 

I  'm  afraid  that  I  was  n't  born  to  row  up  stream 
when  there  's  a  good  current  setting  down.  I 
adjourned  to  the  Major's  room  with  him  and 
let  him  convince  me  there,  though  I  'd  made  up 
my  mind  down  stairs  to  take  a  hand  in  his  game. 
He  explained  that  he  wanted  the  companion 
ship  and  help  of  a  bright  young  man,  and  that 
he  'd  classified  me  as  belonging  to  the  pippin 
family  as  soon  as  he  'd  seen  me.  He  was  awfully 
nice  about  the  money  end  of  things,  and  made 
me  feel  that  I  was  doing  him  a  favour  in  consent 
ing  to  have  my  evening  clothes  taken  out  of  hock, 
my  trunk  out  of  storage,  and  in  accepting  the  loan 
of  twenty  for  carfare.  These  details  settled,  and  the 
Major  having  wrung  my  hand  and  congratulated 
me  on  having  been  saved  from  myself,  we  went  into 


i42    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

executive  session  to  see  if  we  could  n't  dig  up  the 
Big  Idea  without  further  delay.  But  when  I  peered 
into  my  mind,  I  was  simply  appalled  by  the  glimpse 
I  got  of  the  emptiness  there,  and,  while  the  Major 
drew  out  a  hundred  or  more  ideas  from  his,  they 
were  all  blanks.  Evidently,  it  was  Generals  Beau- 
regard's  and  Early's  day  off,  the  Major  observed; 
so  we  gave  it  up  for  the  afternoon  and  went  to  a 
"Continuous." 

That  evening  we  settled  down  to  serious  business 
in  the  Major's  room.  My  host  produced  cob 
pipes  and  his  bottle  of  Old  Bourbon,  explaining 
that  is  was  not  his  intention  to  use  it  as  a  beverage, 
for  he  was  unalterably  opposed  to  drinking  while 
business  matters  were  under  consideration,  but 
that  he  would  take  a  few  snifters  purely  as  a  throat- 
emollient  and  brain-laxative.  Having  advanced 
and  accepted  the  theory  that  the  wearing  of 
coats  hampered  the  free  play  of  one's  fancy, 
we  settled  down  in  our  shirt-sleeves,  cosey  and 
comfortable,  to  lay  hold  of  a  full-grown  idea, 
with  side-whiskers  and  a  white  waistcoat,  that 
would  be  a  kind  and  indulgent  parent  to  us  and 
save  us  from  having  to  work. 

Dear  reader,  have  you  ever  tried  to  think  up 
the  Big  Idea  —  not  some  fool  scheme  for  saving 
the  Nation,  or  improving  the  yield  of  sugar- 
beets,  or  making  people  subscribe  to  your  tire- 


JACK  SPURLOCK--  PRODIGAL     143 

some  old  paper  —  but  have  you  ever  reached 
up  into  the  blue  empyrean  and  grabbed  at  a  star 
in  its  course,  and  tried  to  pull  it  down  to  earth 
by  the  tail  ?  I  used  to  think  that  the  astronomers 
guessed  or  lied  about  the  distance  to  the  nearest 
star,  but  now  I  'm  rather  inclined  to  think  that 
they  've  understated  their  case. 

I  'd  been  groping  around  on  the  edges  of  space 
till  my  brain  was  fairly  stupefied  by  the  vastness 
of  the  void,  when  the  Major's  voice  called  me 
back. 

"Jack,"  he  was  saying  reflectively,  "has  it 
ever  occurred  to  you  that  there  might  be  a  fortune 
in  a  reversible  rail  ?" 

I  admitted  that  it  never  had,  and  asked  what 
sort  of  a  rail  and  how  you  reversed  it. 

"A  railroad  rail,  of  cou'se,"  the  Major  re 
turned,  sitting  up.  "A  rail  that,  when  it  has 
served  its  purpose  on  one  side,  can  simply  be 
turned  over  and  made  to  enter  into  a  new  career 
of  usefulness  on  the  other.  By  Geo'ge,  suh, 
I  wonder  that  no  one  has  ever  thought  of  that 
befoM" 

"It  certainly  does  sound  pretty  good,"  I  re 
turned  judicially. 

"Sounds  pretty  good,  suh  ?"  The  Major  cried, 
springing  to  his  feet  and  gesticulating  enthusias 
tically.  "You  bet  it  sounds  pretty  good.  It  sounds 


I44    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

like  a  revolution  in  modern  railroadin',  suh! 
It  sounds  like  a  plantation  back  home,  suh,  fo' 
me,  and  a  mansion  on  Fifth  Avenue  fo'  you! 
Think  of  the  millions  —  no,  I  would  not  exag 
gerate  if  I  said  billions,  Jack  —  of  rails  thrown 
away  to  rust  and  rot  every  year." 

I,  too,  was  on  my  feet  now,  dancing  around 
with  excitement,  but,  even  as  I  reached  to  give 
the  Major's  hand  a  congratulatory  shake,  a 
chilling  doubt  struck  me.  "Has  it  occurred  to 
you,  Major,"  I  ventured,  "that  if  both  the  top 
and  the  bottom  of  the  rail  were  rounded  in  the 
same  way,  we  might  not  be  able  to  make  the 
blamed  thing  stand  up  ?" 

But  the  Major's  cup  of  happiness  was  not  to 
be  dashed  by  doubts.  "A  detail,  my  deah  boy," 
he  exclaimed,  waving  it  aside;  "a  triflin'  detail, 
that  any  fo'  dollar-a-day  mechanic  can  fix  fo'  us. 
We  've  struck  it,  suh  —  struck  it  first  crack  out 
of  the  box,"  and  then  we  both  started  talking  at 
once,  with  now  and  then  a  question  like:  "Will 
the  Steel  Trust  dig  down  in  its  sock  to  pay  for 
this?  I  guess!"  or  an  exclamation  like:  "Al- 
lowin'  that  we  get  royalties  on  only  fifty  million 
tons  a  year,"  ringing  out  above  the  rough-house. 

Well,  by  and  by  we  calmed  down  a  little,  and 
I  was  for  going  out  for  a  walk,  so  long  as  we  had 
the  Idea  safely  caged,  but  the  Major  said  no  — 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     145 

that  while  the  cards  were  running  right  we  ought 
to  press  our  luck  and  hive  up  some  more  ideas. 
So  we  went  at  it  again,  both  eager  with  the  excite 
ment  of  the  chase,  the  Major  baying  along  in  the 
lead  like  an  old  hound. 

We  struck  a  good  many  false  scents,  but  inside 
of  half  an  hour  I  was  on  my  feet  with  a  shout 
and  an  idea  for  "Luminous  Letters" — letters 
made  of  some  luminous  composition,  "like — • 
er  —  luminous  paint,  you  know,"  I  explained, 
that  would  admit  of  their  being  read  both  night 
and  day.  I  drew  a  glowing  and  profitable  picture 
of  New  York  with  all  the  signs,  house  numbers 
and  billboards  brilliant  with  our  letters  —  in  short, 
as  the  Major  phrased  it,  "a  perfect  luminous 
hell,  suh." 

The  excitement  and  profit-taking  over  this 
idea  had  barely  subsided  when  I  came  to  my  feet 
again  and  explained  my  "Timed  Inks"  to  the 
Major  —  "  Inks  of  some  ingenious  chemical  com 
position,  you  know,  timed  to  fade  out  completely 
in  thirty,  sixty  or  ninety  days,  as  one  may  wish. 
Think  of  the  drivelling  love  letters  one  could 
write,  the  incriminating  secrets  one  could  put 
on  paper,  the  four-months-after-date  notes  one 
could  sign,  the  -  '  but  the  Major,  fairly  weep 
ing  with  joy,  was  pounding  me  on  the  back  and 
crying: 


146    JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"My  boy,  my  boy;  my  deah,  deah  boy!  What 
imagination!  What  genius!  What  a  blank  boon 
to  humanity!" 

When  we  returned  to  our  knitting  after  this, 
we  had  a  long  barren  spell,  but  finally  the  Major 
gave  the  short,  sharp  "Ahem!"  which  presaged 
an  important  announcement  from  him. 

"Jack,"  he  began  with  irritating  deliberation, 
so  that  I  should  not  be  caught  unprepared  for 
and  be  shocked  by  the  whale  which  he  was  about 
to  produce:  "have  you  ever  seen  one  of  these 
compressed  —  er  —  atmosphere  equipments,  with 
which  houses  and  hotels  are  cleansed  and  reno 
vated  ?" 

"Yes,  yes,"  I  answered  impatiently.  "What 
is  it?" 

"An  admirable  invention,  suh;  but  has  it  ever 
occurred  to  you  that  its  promoters  have  over 
looked  a  large,  and,  I  think  I  may  safely  add, 
an  exceedin'ly  profitable  field  of  usefulness  ?" 

"No  it  never  has;  but  I  '11  bet  they  have. 
What  is  it?" 

"You  are  correct  in  yo*  su'mise,  suh.  It 's 
ho'ses  —  ho'ses,  Jack,"  reiterated  the  Major,  per 
mitting  himself  to  warm  up. 

"How  ?  Yes  —  of  course,"  I  ventured,  willing 
and  anxious  to  cheer,  but,  as  yet,  not  quite  sure 
what  for. 


JACK    SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    147 

"And  the  idea  will  introduce  itself,  suh,"  the 
Major  explained.  "We  will  walk  into  any 
livery-stable  in  New  Yo'k,  hire  a  rig,  drive  around 
to  the  compressed  air  establishment,  and  run 
the  —  er  —  sucker  —  or  whatever  they  call  the 
appliance  that  draws  out  the  dirt  —  over  one- 
half  of  the  ho'se.  Then  we  '11  take  him  back  to 
the  stable,  shinin'  on  one  side  like  a  brown  satin 
dress,  and,  by  contrast,  lookin'  on  the  other  like 
an  old  do '-mat.  Will  the  curiosity  of  the  stable- 
keeper  be  excited,  suh  ?  Will  he  want  the  refinin' 
touch  of  the  —  er  —  sucker  applied  to  the  do'- 
mat  side  ?  Will  he  leap  at  the  chance  to  contract 
with  us,  at  a  fairly  remunerative  price,  say  five 
dollars  a  head,  to  polish  up  all  the  plugs  in  his 
stable  ?  I  reckon  we  may  answer  in  the  affir 
mative.  I  am  tol'ably  certain  that,  from  this 
single  idea,  speakin'  conservatively,  mind  you, 
Jack,  we  shall  make  no  less  than  one  hundred 
thousand  dollars." 

It  certainly  looked  that  way  to  me  just  then, 
and  I  told  the  Major  that  he  had  undoubtedly 
got  hold  of  the  hottest  dog  in  the  frankfurter  can. 

After  that  we  tried  it  for  a  little  while  longer, 
but  the  casting  up  of  the  whale  had  apparently 
put  the  kibosh  on  the  game  for  the  time  being. 
So,  as  it  was  now  one  in  the  morning,  we  separated 
in  high  hopes  and  spirits,  the  Major  bidding  me 


148    JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

good  night  with:  "A  grand,  an  inspiring  a 
lucrative  evenin's  work.  Yo'  future  is  assured, 
Jack."  I  was  so  excited  over  it  all  that  it  took 
me  a  long  time  to  get  to  sleep,  and,  when  I  finally 
dropped  off,  it  was  to  dream  of  driving  up  to 
Anita's  door  in  a  coach  and  four. 

Somehow,  it  was  different  at  the  breakfast 
table  next  morning.  Something  had  happened 
to  the  ideas  that  made  us  regard  them  and 
each  other  a  little  peevishly.  In  fact,  we 
acted  like  two  men  who  had  been  out  on  a  bat 
together,  with  each  waiting  to  see  how  much  the 
other  remembered  of  the  disgraceful  doings  of 
the  night  before.  Finally,  we  edged  up  to  our 
inventions,  and  I  began  to  express  vague  doubts 
about  the  feasibility  of  this  and  the  practicability 
of  that.  In  the  morning  light,  one  of  the  ideas 
looked  suspiciously  like  our  old  friend,  Perpetual 
Motion,  and  the  others  sounded  like  planks  from 
a  Populist  platform.  The  Major  nodded  sagely, 
and  deprecated  our  committing  our  fortunes  to 
any  of  the  ideas  until  after  we  had  subjected  them 
to  "the  most  searchin'  examination  and  the  most 
ruthless  tests.  Though  I  am  convinced,  suh," 
he  concluded  with  furrowed  brow,  "that  these 
ideas  contain  the  germs  of  some  exceedin'ly 
useful  and  valuable  discoveries.  But  caution 
and  conservatism  must  be  our  watchwords. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     149 

We  will  make  a  note  of  these  inventions  fo'  future 
reference,'"'  which  he  did.  Then,  after  breakfast, 
we  went  around  to  a  livery-stable,  where  there 
was  "the  finest  little  trottin'  mare  outside  of  the 
old  State,"  and  smoothed  away  the  lines  of  our 
high  thinking  with  a  little  drive  out  into  the 
country. 

That  was  the  beginning  of  a  two-weeks' debauch 
of  scheming.  All  day  long  we  prowled  through 
the  streets  of  New  York,  hunting  for  some  sign 
that  would  betray  the  hiding-place  of  the  Big 
Idea;  after  dinner  we  retired  to  the  Major's  room, 
lit  our  pipes,  and  tried  to  smoke  it  out  of  our 
heads.  Every  night  we  went  to  bed  in  a  haze  of 
optimism,  potentially  millionaires;  every  morning 
we  came  down  to  breakfast  in  a  fog  of  pessimism, 
practically  paupers. 

No  doubts  disturbed  the  Major,  for  he  still 
had  several  hundred  dollars  left,  but  after  this 
sort  of  thing  had  been  going  on  for  a  fortnight, 
and  we  had  accumulated  wild  ideas  enough  to 
endow  a  ward  in  a  lunatic  asylum,  I  decided  that 
we  must  think  up  a  producer,  or  that  I  must  go  to 
work,  for  I  could  n't  continue  to  sponge  on  the 
Major.  So  as  soon  as  we  were  settled  down  in  his 
room  for  the  evening,  I  opened  the  proceedings  with : 

"  Major,  we  Ve  got  to  quit  smoking  this  kind 
of  dope  and  switch  off  to  something  practical. 


i5o    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

We  're  not  getting  anywhere,  and  never  will 
this  way." 

The  Major  sat  up,  looking  surprised  and  a 
little  hurt  at  my  businesslike  tone.  I  was  rather 
surprised  at  it  myself. 

"My  deah  boy,"  he  began  reprovingly,  "you 
must  restrain  yo'  impatience.  Rashness  and 
impetuosity,"  he  continued,  his  voice  gathering 
assurance  as  he  went  along,  "are  admirable 
things  in  their  place,  but  they  have  no  place  in 
business,  suh." 

"But  they  have  had  in  our  proceedings,"  I 
persisted  brutally.  "Would  n't  any  bunch  of 
experts  that  was  handed  a  list  of  our  ideas  declare 
that  we  had  progressive  paranoia,  and  recommend 
a  life  sentence  for  us  on  the  strength  of  that  pre- 
digested  pie  scheme  ?" 

The  shot  told  and  the  Major  looked  miserable 
again,  for  the  invention  had  been  the  darling 
child  of  his  brain,  the  pampered  pet  of  our  smoker 
the  evening  before.  "Let  us,  purely  fo'  the  sake 
of  argument,  Jack,  admit  that  we  have  been 
playin'  on  a  dead  card,"  he  replied.  "What 
would  you  suggest  ?  I  am  one  of  those  who 
welcome  criticism,  suh,  but  it  must  be  construc 
tive,  not  destructive,  criticism."  Of  course  he 
did  —  so  does  every  one,  meaning  by  constructive 
criticism,  praise. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     151 

"Exactly,"  I  answered.  "We  've  been  pawing 
the  air  for  an  idea.  Now  let 's  get  after  one  in  a 
scientific  manner,  applying  psychological  prin 
ciples  to  our  problem,  and  if  that  won't  fetch  it, 
give  up  and  go  to  work." 

"By  Geo'ge,  suh!"  the  Major  exclaimed,  all 
enthusiasm  again  as  soon  as  he  saw  that  my 
proposal  did  not  involve  the  suppression  of  his 
favourite  game,  but  simply  a  new  way  of  playing 
it.  "Why  did  n't  we  think  of  that  befo'  ?  We  've 
been  wastin'  time,  Jack.  Let  us  try  yo'  method 
without  delay.  If  one  cock  won't  fight,  we  must 
gafF  another.  Explain  yo'self,  fully,  my  deah 
boy,  and  count  on  my  hearty  cooperation." 

"Well,"  I  began,  drawing  for  my  ideas  on  my 
brief  association  with  Jim  during  the  days  of  the 
Direct  Command,  "what  we  want  is  an  article 
that  will  sell  for  a  small  price,  so  it  must  be 
simple;  that  will  pay  us  a  whopping  profit,  so  it 
must  go  more  on  the  cleverness  of  the  idea  than 
its  intrinsic  value;  that  will  advertise  itself,  for 
we  have  no  money  with  which  to  buy  fame  for 
it.  So  we  must  think  up  some  tasty,  trashy 
tomfool  novelty,  that  we  can  hitch  on  to  a  popular 
idea,  or  man,  or  movement,  and  send  forth  into 
the  cold,  but  silly  world  to  hustle  for  its  parents. 
That  's  not  the  Big  Idea,  I  know;  it 's  the  idiotic 
one,  but  the  market  for  idiocy  is  unlimited,  I  've 


152    JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

been  told,  even  though  I  have  n't  been  able  to 
place  myself.  Besides,  we  '11  be  working  in  a 
more  congenial  field.  Now,  to  begin :  What 's 
the  most  popular  thing  in  the  country  to-day  ?" 

"Our  honahed  President,"  the  Major  replied 
unhesitatingly.  "He  fits  yo'  description  to  a  T." 

"I  love  our  President  with  a  T,"  I  commented, 
"because  his  name  is  Teddy;  because  he  has 
Teeth,  and  because  he  's  a  Terror." 

"Exactly,  suh,"  the  Major  returned  simply. 
"He's  not  only  the  most  popular  man  in  the 
country,  but  a  popular  idea,  and  a  popular  move 
ment  as  well.  But  I  can  hardly  see  that  that 
takes  us  anywhere." 

I  could  n't  either,  but  to  gain  time  and  to 
create  a  diversion  that  would  give  me  an  oppor 
tunity  to  rescue  my  theory  from  such  prompt 
exploding,  I  answered:  "I  'm  not  so  sure  about 
his  popularity,  Major.  It  seems  to  me  that  there 
are  signs  of  its  waning.  All  this  letter-writing 
and  calling  men  liars  is  making  a  good  many 
people  tired,  don't  you  think  ?" 

"I  most  certainly  do  not  think  —  at  least  in 
the  affirmative,  suh,"  the  Major  returned  hotly. 
"On  the  contrary,  suh,  the  country  is  proud  that 
its  Chief  Executive  has  convictions  and  the  courage 
to  express  them  in  terms  that  no  scoundrel  can 
misunderstand  and  that  no  gentleman  can  wear." 


JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    153 

"But  Major,"  I  interrupted,  "how  can  any 
one  effectively  resent  anything  that  the  President 
says  about  him  ?" 

"  How,  suh  ?  How,  suh  ?"  The  Major  snorted 
belligerently,  and  jumped  from  his  chair.  Si 
lently  stepping  off  ten  paces,  he  wheeled  and 
suddenly  discharged  his  answer,  as  though  at 
the  word  to  fire:  "I  have  every  reason  to  believe, 
suh,  though  I  am  not  at  liberty  to  disclose  the 
sou'ces  of  my  info'mation,  that  the  President 
holds  himself  in  readiness  to  give  the  fullest 
personal  satisfaction'  — and  he  paused  to  let  the 
words  soak  in  —  "to  anyone  who  may  demand  it." 

I  had  n't  been  able  to  think  of  anything  yet, 
so  there  was  nothing  to  do  but  throw  another  at 
the  Major:  "Well,  granting  that,"  I  put  forth, 
"still,  a  lot  of  people  are  beginning  to  think  that 
Teddy  's  a  mere  noise." 

"  I  don't  care,  suh,  and  the  people  don't  care, 
if  President  Roosevelt"  -and  the  Major  re 
proved  me  for  my  too  familiar  Teddy  with  a 
pause  and  a  glance-  "is  nothin'  but  a  noise; 
he  's  shoutin'  fire,  and  frightenin'  off  the  scoun 
drels  who  have  been  preparin'  to  commit  arson 
with  the  —  er  —  palladium  of  our  liberties.  I  am 
only  sorry,  suh,  that  his  enthusiasm  foj  manly 
spo'ts  does  not  extend  to  those  games  of  chance 
which  so  many  gentlemen  of  an  older  generation 


154    JACK   SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

found  stimulatin'  to  their  highest  faculties. 
Poker  and  faro,  suh,  are,  I  regret  to  say,  the  only 
pursuits  that  have  not  felt  his  reformin'  and 
purifyin'  and  revivifyin'  influence." 

As  he  finished,  I  saw  my  chance  to  retreat, 
without  invalidating  my  theory;  "Well,  Major," 
I  replied,  "you  may  be  right,  but  there  's  no  use 
in  our  discussing  it,  for  some  one  else  thought  of 
him  first  and  sprang  the  Teddy  bear.  Probably 
got  the  idea  just  this  way." 

"By  Geo'ge,  suh!  I  reckon  you  are  right,"  the 
Major  returned.  "  But  it  does  seem  as  if  there 
ought  to  be  mo'  than  one  idea  in  so  versatile  a 
President.  How  much  do  those  blank  Teddy 
bears  cost,  Jack  ?" 

"Oh,   anywhere  from  one   to    ten   dollars!" 

"From  one  to  ten  dollars!  Astoundin'!  Why, 
suh,  they  're  only  fo'  little  plutocrats  then !  There 
should  be  good  money  in  popularisin'  the  Teddy 
bear,  Jack  —  makin'  a  fair  article  that  would 
sell  fo'  two-bits,  and  so  bringin'  it  within  the 
reach  of  the  masses." 

"I'm  afraid  not,"  I  answered.  "The  dollar 
ones  are  punk  as  it  is.  It  seems  impossible  to 
give  them  that  bully,  idiotic  expression  for  less 
than  two  or  three  bones." 

"Or  improvin'  it  —  adaptin'  it  in  some  way 
to  the  children's  elders,  thereby  openin'  up  new 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     155 

fields  of  usefulness  to  it,  and,  as  you  so  thought 
fully  observed,  enablin'  us  to  take  advantage  of 
the  advertisin'  it  has  already  enjoyed." 

"How?" 

"  Teddy,"  the  Major  began  musingly  —  "  Teddy 
—  Rough  Riders  —  San  Juan  Hill  —  Booker 
T. —  Brownsville  --  tennis  —  strenuous  life  — 
dear  Maria  —  dig  the  canal  —  rubber  —  Taft  — 
squeeze  'em  —  third  term  —  square  deal  —  trusts 
-  mollycoddle  —  Harriman  —  liar  —  dee-lighted 
-dee-whoop!  I've  got  it,  Jack!  I've  got  it, 
suh!  Listen  here!  A  little  rubber  Teddy  bear, 
that  you  can  carry  in  your  pocket,  and  when 
you  squeeze  it,  you  inflate  its  tongue,  thereby 
causin'  it  to  stick  out  — 

"And? " 

"On  that  long,  protrudin'  tongue  is  painted: 
"Dee-lighted!" 

"Yes,  and " 

"When  anyone  asks  you  to  take  a  drink,  or 
to  have  a  cigar,  or  to  do  anythin'  that  calls  fo' 
an  affirmative,  do  you  answer  yes?  No,  suh! 
You  take  out  yo'  Teddy  bear  and  squeeze  it  at 
him!  And  Jack,  listen  here!  When  anyone 
asks  you  if  the  President  will  accept  a  third  term, 
you  don't  discuss  the  question  with  him  or  allow 
yo'self  to  be  drawn  into  any  undignified  argument 
about  why  he  should  or  why  he  should  n't  take 


156    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

the  nomination:  you  simply  squeeze  yo'  bear  in 
his  face." 

"Why,  Major,"  I  began,  beginning  to  get  a 
little  excited  myself,  "this  looks  like  the  real 
hot  tabas " 

"This  is  somethin'  big,  Jack  —  the  Big  Idea, 
in  fact,"  he  interrupted.  "I  have  felt  fo'  several 
days  that  we  were  tremblin'  on  the  verge  of  an 
impo'tant  discovery,  but  I  never  dreamed  of  any 
thing  as  tremenjous  and  as  far-reachin'  in  its 
consequences  as  this.  Why,  suh,  this  little  article 
absolutely  assures  the  reelection  of  our  honahed 
President  fo'  a  third  term.  It  means  the  con- 
foundin'  of  his  enemies!  It  will  put  the  hell- 
houn's  of  the  System  on  the  run!  Think  of  the 
sale  fo'  it  Convention  week!  It  will  sweep  the 
country  like  wild-fire,  and  settle  the  whole  thing. 
It  means,  suh,  aside  from  the  fo'tune  that  it  will 
bring  us,  positions  of  honah  and  dignity  under 
the  Administration:  A  mission  abroad  fo'  me 
—  I  have  always  felt  that  I  was  peculiarly  fitted 
fo'  a  diplomatic  career  —  somethin'  just  as  good 
at  home  fo'  you'.  Teddy  is  loyal  to  his  friends. 
He  cannot  ignore  our  services,  suh." 

"He  probably  will,"  I  replied,  "but  what  's 
the  odds  so  long  as  we  can  cash  in  on  the  idea  ? 
Then,  if  your  fancy  runs  to  swelling  around  in  a 
plaited  shirt  and  being  a  bum  statesman,  you 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     157 

can  go  West  and  buy  one  of  those  marked-down 
Senatorships.  But  it  's  me  for  a  quiet,  restful 
vacation  at  the  St.  Regis." 

I  would  n't  let  my  imagination  carry  me  so 
far  as  the  Major's  took  him  —  and  he  not  only 
gave  free  rein  to  his  fancy,  but  had  a  complete 
runaway  —  for  I  had  a  sobering  fear  that,  when 
we  sat  down  to  breakfast  with  this  latest  child 
of  our  brains,  we  should  both  be  for  leaving  the 
horrid  thing  on  the  steps  of  the  nearest  foundling 
asylum.  But  even  while  I  was  dressing  next 
morning,  the  idea  still  looked  good  to  me,  and 
down  the  hall  I  could  hear  the  Major's  bass 
rolling  out: 

"How  I    1-o-ove  that    pretty  ya-a-1-ler  ga-a-I-1-1, 
Do-o-own   Mo-o-bile ! " 

That  was  a  sure  sign  that  he  was  pleased  with 
himself.  And  when  we  met  at  the  breakfast 
table,  there  was  none  of  the  usual  laboured 
conversation  about  the  weather,  and  the  higher 
life,  and  the  shameful  doings  in  the  Senate,  any 
thing  except  our  pitiful  inventions  of  the  preceding 
night;  but  the  Major  greeted  me  with  a  radiant 
face  and  wrung  my  hand  with  a  rapture  unimpaired 
by  sleep  and  reflection. 

"Then  it's  a  whiz!"     I  exclaimed. 

"My  deah  boy,"  the  Major  replied,  "it  is  not 
only  a  whiz,  but  a  hummah!  You  are  in  on  the 


158    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

ground  flo'  of  King  Solomon's  Mines,  Limited  — 
to  us  two." 

Things  went  with  a  rush  that  day.  First  we 
filed  a  caveat  on  the  idea,  and  then  the  Major 
placed  an  order  with  a  manufacturing  firm  that 
he  knew  of  for  as  many  of  the  dee-lighted  bears 
as  his  now  very  limited  capital  would  pay  for. 
These  details  attended  to,  we  returned  to  his 
room  to  plan  out  our  campaign.  In  that  the 
Major  was  thoroughly  at  home;  in  fact,  I  found 
that  he  already  had  the  details  pretty  well  worked 
out  in  his  head. 

"Jack,"  he  began,  "this  thing  will  lend  itself 
to  original  and  takin'  methods  of  introduction 
better  than  anythin'  I  have  ever  had  the  pleasure 
of  presentin'  to  the  public.  Aside  from  the 
entertainin'  and  amusin'  features  of  the  little 
article,  all  of  which  we  must  present  adequately, 
there  is  a  splendid  chance  for  a  campaign  of 
education  among  our  voters  in  callin'  their  at 
tention  to  its  political  impo'tance.  I  shall  include 
in  my  speech  a  complete  exposure  of  the  System, 
suh,  and  of  its  crimes  against  the  country,  and 
make  all  cur  agents  memorise  it.  Of  cou'se  we 
shall,  owin'  to  our  lack  of  capital,  have  to  do  the 
preliminary  work  of  introduction  ourselves." 

The  crisis  which  I  had  been  dreading  had  come. 
I  saw  myself  standing  on  a  dry-goods  box  in  a 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL     159 

crowded  street,  hoarsely  inviting  the  passers-by 
to  gaze  on  my  shame  and  to  buy  my  silly  wares. 
In  my  cowardly  heart,  I  felt  that  I  could  never 
do  it.  And  yet  I  could  n't  refuse  to  bear  my 
share  of  the  heat  and  burden  of  the  day. 

"Could  n't  we,  Major,"  I  suggested  weakly, 
"  find  a  partner  with  capital  who  'd  let  us  go  right 
into  the  thing  on  a  big  scale  ?" 

"No,  suh!"  the  Major  returned  decisively. 
"None  of  that  in  mine  when  I  've  got  a  good  thing. 
A  partner  with  capital  is  American  fo'  hog,  suh. 
He  wants  half  the  profits  fo'  his  capital  and  the 
other  half  fo'  himself.  Yo'  share  is  the  glory  of 
havin'  the  little  article  named  after  you  and  the 
bad  debts.  Not  fo'  Majah  Geo'ge  Magoffin 
Jackson,  suh." 

"  I  'm  only  afraid,"  I  admitted,  hating  myself 
for  trying  to  crawl,  "that  our  interests  might 
suffer  if  I  tried  my  hand  at  actual  street  work. 
You  see,  I  've  never  had  any  experience  at  that 
sort  of  thing,  and  I  'm  naturally  of  a  rather  timid 
and  retiring  disposition;  so  perhaps  - 

"  I  've  thought  of  that,"  the  Major  interrupted. 
"Of  cou'se  you  've  got  to  be  broken  in  to  speak 
in  public  some  time,  but  this  matter  is  too  impo'- 
tant  to  be  trusted  to  anyone  who  is  n't  thoroughly 
experienced  in — er — addressin*  an  audience.  But 
we  shall  be  able  to  make  full  use  of  yo'  talents, 


160    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

never  you  fear,  Jack.  Now  my  idea,  and  I  think 
I  may  say  without  boastin'  that  it  will  excite  mo' 
than  the  passin'  interest  of  the  thoughtless,  is  this: 
I  first,  and  afterward  every  agent  that  represents 
us,  will  be  accompanied  by  a  man  to  pass  the 
little  article  around  among  the  crowd.  Nothing 
new  in  that,  suh,  you  say.  No,  but  each  of  these 
men  will  be  dressed  up  as  a  big  Teddy  bear,  head 
and  all,  and  somewhere  under  his  —  er  —  hide  he 
will  hold  a  large  air  ball,  connected  by  a  tube 
to  a  collapsible  tongue  of  very  thin  rubber,  such 
as  the  little  bears  in  his  basket  have.  Well,  suh, 
every  time  I  make  a  tellin'  point  in  my  speech, 
the  bear  assistin'  me  will  squeeze  the  rubber 
ball,  thereby  inflatin'  the  tongue  and  makin'  it 
stick  out  at  the  audience.  Perhaps,  suh,  when 
the  people  see  that  tongue  protrudin',  with  Dee- 
lighted  painted  on  it,  they  won't  shout  themselves 
hoa'se  and  tumble  over  themselves  to  buy  the 
little  article  ?" 

"Bully!"  I  applauded.  "They'll  fight  for 
'em/' 

"You  bet  it 's  bully,  suh,"  the  Major  continued. 
"And,  Jack,  you  are  to  be  the  first  bear." 

Why,  oh,  why  had  n't  I  seen  his  drift  sooner 
and  knocked  his  fool  scheme  ?  I  was  in  a  panic 
at  the  thought  of  lending  myself  to  this  hideous 
masquerade.  "  Me!"  I  exclaimed.  "I  could  n't 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     161 

be  a  bear,  really.  I  'm  a  wretched  actor,  and 
besides  I'm  —  I'm  superstitious  about  bears  — 
afraid  of  them  —  I  really  believe  I  was  marked 
by  one." 

The  Major  would  n't  listen  to  me.  "Nonsense, 
Jack,"  he  returned.  "You  '11  make  a  perfect 
Teddy  bear.  The  part  fits  you  to  a  T,  and  after 
you  get  over  the  stage  fright  that  is  inseparable 
from  a  first  appearance  in  public,  you  will  do 
yo'self  proud.  Besides,  we  can't  afFo'd  at  this 
stage  of  the  game  to  squander  our  resou'ces 
hirin'  outside  talent." 

It  was  no  use.  I  had  been  elected,  and  there 
was  no  resigning  from  the  inevitable,  if  I  wanted 
to  share  in  the  profits.  Besides,  I  reflected,  it 
was  better  than  having  to  do  the  barking,  for 
my  face  would  be  covered,  and  so  there  was  no 
chance  that  anyone  would  recognise  me.  I 
yielded  without  further  argument  and,  accom 
panied  by  the  Major,  went  out  to  be  measured 
for  a  Teddy-bear  suit.  For  the  next  week, 
while  the  bears  were  being  made,  the  Major  was 
in  the  throes  of  composition,  preparing  his  great 
speech  on  the  iniquities  of  the  System  and  the 
peculiar  virtues  of  the  Teddy  bear.  I  divided 
my  days  between  the  Zoo  in  Central  Park,  where 
I  studied  the  habits  and  deportment  of  bears, 
and  a  corner  of  the  Major's  room,  where  I  prac- 


162    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

tised  jig-steps  and  growling,  until  I  had  attained 
a  fair  degree  of  proficiency  in  both. 

" Splendid,  Jack!"  the  Major  would  exclaim, 
glancing  up  from  his  work  whenever  I  managed 
a  peculiarly  ferocious  growl.  "That  last  one 
was  thrillin';  it  had  the  ring  of  sincerity  in  it. 
It  's  those  little  realistic  touches  that  open  the 
great  heart  and  pocket-book  of  our  American 
public,  suh."  Or  again,  "Growl  louder,  suh! 
With  blood  on  yo'  jaws.  I  'm  touchin'  up  yo' 
namesake,  that  old  scoundrel,  Con  Spurlock!" 

So  long  as  our  appearance  on  the  street  was 
still  in  the  future,  I  felt  brave  enough  about  the 
part  I  was  to  play,  but  when  the  little  articles, 
as  the  Major  always  called  them,  were  delivered, 
and  my  Teddy-bear  suit  was  sent  home  by  the 
theatrical  costumer,  I  found  myself  giving  way 
again  to  dark  forebodings.  And  when,  finally, 
the  day  came,  and  I  climbed  into  my  Teddy- 
bear  suit  behind  the  prescription  counter  of  an 
East  Side  drug-store,  near  which  the  Major 
had  chosen  our  first  stand,  I  felt  like  a  diver 
dressed  for  the  plunge  into  unknown  depths, 
where  goggle-eyed  octopi  and  inquisitive  sharks 
might  be  lined  up  waiting  for  a  quick  lunch. 

Maybe  we  did  n't  draw  a  crowd  ?  and  quick  ? 
It  was  like  a  three-alarm  fire.  The  people  came 
running  from  every  direction,  dragging  the  children 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL     163 

with  them;  it  almost  seemed  as  if  men  popped 
up  from  trap-doors  at  our  feet  and  materialised 
out  of  the  fourth  dimension. 

The  Major  lost  no  time,  but  went  right  into 
action  as  if  he  'd  been  tipped  off  to  remember  the 
Maine.  Mounted  on  an  empty  box,  silk  hat 
tilted  back,  and  holding  me  by  a  chain,  he  bel 
lowed,  stormed,  bullied,  laughed,  joked,  told 
stories,  gave  advice,  and  made  me  dance  and 
play  the  promiscuous  fool,  until  the  street  was 
half  blocked.  When  he  saw  that  the  crowd 
was  with  him  to  a  man,  he  explained  the  frivolous 
uses  to  which  the  little  article  could  be  put,  and 
they  caught  on  with  a  roar.  "We  've  got  'em 
goin',  son,"  he  exclaimed  to  me  in  a  delighted 
aside.  "Now  watch  me  stampede  them,"  and 
he  launched  suddenly  into  an  attack  on  the 
System  that  was  a  corker.  He  deprecated  the 
House,  he  deplored  the  Senate,  and  he  damned 
Wall  Street.  He  excoriated  Rogers,  walloped 
Morgan,  skinned  Rockefeller,  flayed  Harriman, 
and  in  a  tone  that  scared  a  ten-foot  hole  in  the 
crowd  around  him,  demanded  answers  to  some 
extremely  embarrassing  questions.  As  the  pluto 
crats  did  n't  appear  to  have  a  spokesman  present, 
he  held  up  their  heads  to  the  scorn  and  execration 
of  the  populace.  "  But,  my  fellow-citizens," 
he  concluded,  "there  is  one  who  stands  firm  fo' 


164    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

you  against  the  hellish  arts  and  heartless  machina 
tions  of  this  destroyin'  Moloch;  one  who  wraps 
around  him  the  precious  and  priceless  palladium 
of  our  blood-bought  liberties  and  dares  the  hell- 
houn's  of  the  System  to  lay  a  finger  on  it;  one 
whose  —  er  —  teeth  are  bared  and  whose  voice 
is  raised  in  protest"  -aside  to  me:  "Growl 
like  hell,  Jack"  —  "against  these  dastardly  as 
saults  on  the  —  er  —  bulwarks  of  the  people's 
rights;  and  this  man,  my  fellow-citizens,  is  fittin'ly 
symbolised  by  the  noble  denizen  of  the  American 
wilderness  that  stands  beside  me  —  playful  and 
open-hearted  with  the  friends  of  our  glorious  Re 
public" —  "Dance,  Jack"  —  "fierce  and  thirstin' 
fo'  the  gore  of  its  enemies." — "Put  up  your  dukes 
and  growl,  Jack." 

"  I  stand  here  appealin*  to  yo'  patriotism, 
not  yo*  pocket-books.  I  don't  want  yo'  money, 
but  yo'  moral  support.  The  enemies  of  our 
honahed  President  are  demandin'  that  he  adhere 
to  some  foolish  words  spoken  in  the  heat  and 
exaltation  of  gettin'  what  he  wanted  and  for- 
gettin'  that  he  —  er  —  might  want  it  again. 
We  must  save  him  from  these  enemies  and  from 
himself  —  if  he  needs  savin*.  So  I  repudiate, 
openly  and  fearlessly,  his  declaration  that  he 
will  not  accept  another  nomination  fo'  the  Presi 
dency;  I  answer  you  that  he  must  and  shall  run 


JACK  SPT&RLOC&—  PRODIGAL     165 

a'gaiW,  and1  I  offer  to  each  a!nd'  every  gentleman 
present,  fo'  the  nominal,  the  insignificant,  the 
trifliri*  sum  of  a  quarter,  twenty-five  cents1,-  two- 
bits,  this  little  article  which  I  hold'  iri:  my  haftd; 
It  will  enable  you,  one  and  severally,  t&'  answer5 
decisively  that  momentous  question:  Will  Teddy 
accept  a  third  term  ?" 

At  this  prearranged  cue,  I  squeezed  the  rubber 
ball  and  the  long  tongue  shot  out  at  the  crowd. 

"Dee-lighted!"  the  mob  roared  as  they  sato  it, 
artd:  pushed  forward  to  buy. 

Just  then,  a  coachman  who  was  driving  a  team 
of  spirited  bays,  that'  were  drawing  a  smart 
little  brougham,  attempted  to  push  through  the 
drovvd.  A  glimpse  of  a  bear,  even  if  it  is  only 
a  Teddy  bear,  is  n't  the  thing  best  calculated  to 
soothe  a  nervous  horse,  and  the  moment  the  pair 
caught  sight  of  me  they  reared  and  plunged 
wildly:  As  the  coachman  was  losing  his  head, 
and  as  the  people'  were  tumbling  back  over  one  ari^ 
other,  instead  of  trying  to  get  a  hold  on  the  horses' 
bridles  tb  steady  them  —  an  absurdly  simple 
thing  to  db  —  I  obeyed  the  impulse  of  the  moment 
arid  started  to  struggle  out  of  my  bear  suit,  both 
to  remove  the  cause  of  the  panic  and  to  lend  a 
Hand! 

I  had  succeeded  in  freeing  myself  of  the  bear's 
Head,  when  the  horses  took  a  sudden  jump 'for- 


166    JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

ward  under  the  coachman's  whip,  and  I  found 
myself  looking  through  the  open  window  of  the 
brougham,  straight  into  the  startled  eyes  of 
Anita.  For  an  awful  moment  we  stared  at  each 
other,  amazement  in  her  face,  horror  in  mine. 
Then,  unconsciously,  but  convulsively,  my  hand 
gripped  the  rubber  ball  and  that  awful  bear 
tongue  shot  out  the  cheerful  greeting,  "Dee- 
lighted!"  just  as  a  fresh  cut  from  the  driver's 
whip  started  the  horses  off. 

Behind  me  a  long  rebel  yell  went  up,  and, 
turning,  I  found  the  Major  struggling  with  a  mob 
of  hoodlums  who  had  taken  advantage  of  the 
diversion  to  raid  our  stock.  It  was  a  lovely 
rough-house,  and  the  Southern  troops  fought 
nobly,  but,  as  the  Major  explained  in  reviewing 
the  disaster,  "we  were  wo'n  down  like  Lee  in 
Virginia,  suh,  by  the  brute  fo'ce  of  superior 
numbers."  Like  a  saucer  of  milk  by  a  stray  cat, 
our  stock  was  lapped  up  by  the  crowd,  and  then 
we  were  threatened  by  a  new  division  of  the  mob, 
who  howled  for  our  blood  because  the  horses 
had  tried  to  trample  their  children  to  death. 
Explanations  that  we  were  not  in  collusion  with 
the  driver  of  the  brougham  proving  futile,  we 
fought  our  way,  shoulder  to  shoulder,  back  to 
the  friendly  drug-store. 

"Well,  Major,"  I  asked,  once  we  were  safely 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     167 

inside,  "are  you  hurt?"  for  the  old  fellow's  face 
looked  like  the  sun  of  Austerlitz. 

"Not  physically,  suh,"  panted  that  indomitable 
warrior,  squinting  at  me  through  the  eye  that 
was  still  in  commission,  "but  in  the  best  and 
highest  feelin's  of  a  gentleman.  I  doubt,  suh, 
whether  such  po'  trash  is  wo'th  savin'  from  the 
System."  Then,  by  way  of  after-thought:  "And 
we  're  paupers,  son;  our  last  dashed  dollar  was  in 
that  lot  of  the  little  article." 


CHAPTER  VIII 

IN    WHICH    THE     PRODIGAL     SPENDS    A    PLEASANT 
EVENING 

WELL,  we  were  certainly  up  against  it  for 
keeps,  as  A.  Tennyson  so  beautifully 
phrases  it  in  his  unpublished  works.  The  Major, 
after  an  excited  evening,  during  which  he  traced 
the  responsibility  for  our  disaster  step  by  step 
to  the  very  doors  of  the  System,  and  brought 
himself  to  the  verge  of  apoplexy,  settled  into  a 
lethargy  of  solitaire-playing,  from  which  no 
artfully  devised  scheme  of  mine  for  coining  mil 
lions,  no  matter  how  extravagant,  could  rouse 
him.  So  I  turned  to  the  Pagan  philosophers 
for  consolation,  only  to  discover  that  helpful 
reflections  lie  cold  and  heavy  on  an  empty  stomach. 
Philosophy  is  a  pastime  for  the  prosperous; 
a  poor  man  can't  afford  it.  No  one  but  a  John 
D.  Rockefeller  could  hand  out  such  phrases  as, 
"Sweet  Are  the  Uses  of  Adversity";  and  he 
would  n't  really  mean  it  unless  he  were  getting  a 
rebate  and  some  other  fellow  the  adversity. 
Poverty  has  a  pretty  back,  but  an  ugly  face. 
She  's  like  those  girls  that  people  praise  so  highly 

168 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     169 

for   their    sterling    qualities,    and    take    such    in 
credible  pains  to  avoid. 

There  was  no  longer  any  doubt  in  my  mind 
that  the  whole  bunch  of  philosophers,  from 
Aristotle  to  Zeno,  were  fakes,  and  only  good  for 
light  reading  on  a  full  stomach.  All  pagans, 
B.  C.  and  A.  D.,  to  the  contrary,  bar  none  from 
Epictetus  to  Andy  Carnegie,  there 's  only  one 
real  advantage  in  being  broke  —  your  friends 
don't  come  to  you  and  say,  "Cheer  up,  old  man; 
think  how  much  worse  it  would  have  been  if 
you  'd  lost:  your  health!"  For,  when  you  're  as 
flat  as  we  were,  you  have  n't  any  friends,  and 
your  health  is  a  positive  detriment  to  you  —  it 
simply  gives  you  am  appetite  that  you  can't  afford 
to  satisfy.  I  suppose  I  took  my  troubles  pretty 
hard,  but  no  one,  excepting  Job  possibly,  ever 
had  a  bigger  bunch,  and  I  was  n't  setting  up  in 
competition;  with  Bible  keroes. 

I  stood  it  round  the  house  for  two  days,  trying 
to  rou-se-  the  Major,  first  with  tempting  schemes, 
then*  by  offering  fio  let  him:  deal  a  little  faro1  for 
me  —  the  chips  to  be  redeemed  when  we  got 
Hhe  money  —  but  it  wa's  no  use.  He  stuck  to 
solitaire,  crooning  Moody  and  Satikey  hymns,, 
punctuated  with  an  occasional  expletive  when- 
the  right  card  failed  to  materialise.  So  finally  I 
slipped  off  and  left  him  to  play  himself  into  a« 


1 70    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

happier  frame  of  mind,  while  I  called  on  a  number 
of  indifferent  and  impertinent  employers.  I  was 
game  for  anything  from  a  bank  presidency  down, 
but  the  men  I  tackled  with  my  proposition  had 
no  sporting  blood.  I  could  n't  seem  to  interest 
anybody  in  anything  I  said,  except,  "Good-bye." 
It  certainly  looked  as  if  I  were  nobody's  darling. 

Returning  at  the  end  of  the  second  day  from 
this  futile  chase  of  the  anise-seed  bag,  I  stuck  my 
head  in  at  the  Major's  door.  The  old  fellow 
was  still  at  it.  Sitting  there  in  the  firelight, 
with  his  fine,  venerable  head  bowed  over  the 
table,  he  was  a  perfect  picture  of  your  dear, 
sainted  old  grandpop  —  that  is,  if  you  cut  out 
the  cards  and  some  of  the  language.  He  was 
singing  softly  as  he  played: 

"Let  the  lower  lights  be — blank  that  blankety  blank  ace — 

bur-er-nin', 

Cast  a  gleam-er-ac — dog  my  cats — cross  the  wave, 
Some  po'  shipwrecked — stung  again,  blank  it — drown-in'  —  " 

Then  he  broke  off  suddenly,  for  he  had  caught 
sight  of  me,  standing  in  the  doorway  and  smiling 
through  my  discouragement. 

"Hullo!  Major,"  I  called.  "I  see  that  good 
old  Doctor  Jekyll's  still  trying  to  convert  the 
naughty,  card-playing  Mr.  Hyde." 

The  Major  jumped  up  at  the  first  word  and 
ran  toward  me.  "My  po'  boy!"  he  cried,  seizing 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     171 

my  hands.  "I  feared  so.  It  came  to  me  in  a 
flash,  after  you  sneaked  out  this  mo'nin',  and 
I  have  reproached  myself  bitterly  all  day  fo' 
my  selfish  abso'ption  in  my  triflin'  disappoint 
ment.  No,  suh!  Don't  deny  it,  suh!"  he  hurried 
on,  as  he  saw  me  reaching  for  a  handy  lie.  "I 
know  it;  I  see  it  in  yo'  face,  suh.  You  've  been 
lookin'  fo'  a  job,"  and  there  was  both  sorrowful 
accusation  and  forgiveness  for  my  fault  in  his 
voice. 

"But,  Major,"  I  protested,  grappling  with 
the  truth  like  a  perfect  little  George  Washington, 
now  that  I  'd  been  caught  with  the  hatchet  on 
my  person,  "I  have  n't  found  a  job,  worse  luck! 
and  here  it  is  the  end  of  the  week,  with  our  board 
due,  and  a  lot  of  perfectly  bully  shows  in  town, 
and  grouse  in  season." 

The  Major's  face  wrinkled  for  a  moment 
at  this  frank  statement  of  our  disadvantages, 
then  mellowed  with  genial  inspiration. 

"  I  'm  ashamed  of  you,  Jack,  fo'  lettin*  our 
triflin'  reverses  get  on  yo'  nerves  and  lead  you  to 
take  such  a  foolish  cou'se.  As  fo'  our  boa'd, 
our  landlady,  though  a  trifle  —  er  —  unpolished, 
seems  to  have  a  good  heart.  We  '11  have  her  up 
at  once  and  reassure  her  about  her  little  matter. 
Then,  as  we  both  need  some  simple  relaxation, 
we  might  effect  a  triflin'  loan  on  some  of  our 


i/2    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

superfluities  and  take  in  a  good  show,  with  just 
a  bite  of  somethin'  hot  afterward." 

The  answer  to  my  objections  was  so  complete, 
and,  I  confess,  so  satisfactory  to  me,  that  I  .simply 
rang  the  bell  and  asked  the  slovenly  maid  to  tell 
the  landlady  that  the  Major  would  like  to  see 
her. 

She  appeared  in  a  moment,  red-faced  and 
sweaty  from  the  kitchen,  and  bringing  with  her 
odours  that  were  more  than  a  hint  of  what  we 
had  had  for  luncheon  and  what  we  were  to  have 
for  dinner. 

The  Major  Courteously  wa.ved  her  to  a  chair, 
but  she  ignore^  his  gesture  and  stood  with  an 
anticipatory  smirk  on  her  face.  She  was  ac 
customed  to  being  sent  for  every  Saturday  night 
to  receive  our  board.  It  ?s  a  ,bad  habit  to  get 
people  into  the  way  of  expecting  anything,  espe 
cially  money,  at  a  .certain  time.  For,  when  they 
don't  get  it,  they  are  disappointed,  and  I  hate 
t#  cause  pain. 

"Mr.  Spurlock  and  mysejf,"  the  Major  began 
in  his  largest  and  most  ^xpansjve  manner,  q.uite 
as  if  he  were  distributing  presents  from  a  Christ 
mas  tree,  '''find  ourselves  temporarily  sho't  of 
funds,  owin'  to  the  .difRculty  of  rnakin'  .collecr 
tions  durin'  the  present  annoyin'  tightness  <O{f 
the  money  market.  In  consequence,  we  may 


JACK  ;S  BURLOCK  —  .RRQD1GAL     1 73 

have  to  trespass  on  yd*  good  natchah  fo*  a  -week 
or  two,  but  it  will  not,  I  trust,  madam,  cause 
you  any  inconvenience,"  and  he  wound  up  with 
a  fine,  old-school  bow. 

Unfortunately,  this  one  'happened  to  be  a  new- 
school  landlady,  and  the  perfidy  of  the  men 
Wjhonfi  she  had  encountered  in  >her  forty  ;odd  years 
of  life  must  have  been  something  shocking.  No 
one  but  .-a  woman  who  'd  jbeen  jilted  at  twenty, 
deserted  at  thirty,  and  -bilked  by  thousands  >af 
unscrupulous,  but  resourceful,  boarders  could 
'hay.e  met  the  Major's  affable  explanation  with 
so  sudden  and  complete  .a  refutation  of  it  as 
came  to  her  lips.  While  he  was  talking,  I  noticed 
£  curious  change  in  her  appearance.  The  red  in 
-her  face  deepened  into  purple,  !but  I  took  this  for 
a  Datura!  fading , out  of  the  external  fires,  rather 
than  a  lighting  ;up  of  the  internal  ones.  But 
when  be  -finished  the  flare^-up  was  so  iCompiete 
that  I  feit  she  must  have  used  some  sort  of 
mental  kierosene  to  get  ;sue:h  burning  words  at 
such  S;hort  notice. 

"Inconvenience  me!"  she  .echoed  with  bitter 
scorn.  "Oh,  no,  certainly  not!  And  do  youse 
think  I  pay  £e#t  a^id  jb.uy  food  for  youse  with 
the  kind  of  hot  &if  -that  yotise  have  been  giving 
me  ?  Shell  out  or  getx^ut  —  without  your  trunks !" 
she  ad.ded  significantly. 


i74    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"But,  my  dear  madam,"  the  Major  protested, 
momentarily  appalled  by  this  outburst. 

"Don't  youse  give  me  any  of  your  dear  madams, 
but  give  me  my  money  or  I  '11  call  a  cop,"  the 
landlady  interrupted  with  a  scream.  "Collec 
tions  is  slow,  is  they  ?  And  did  one  of  your 
customers  guess  which  shell  the  little  pea  was 
under  ?  Or  would  n't  the  come-on  take  the 
package  of  green  goods,  Major  George  Guff 
and  Mister  Jack  Spurious  ?" 

"Come,  come,"  I  ventured,  beginning  to  warm 
up  a  little  myself;  "that  kind  of  talk  won't  do." 

"No,  you  bet  it  won't  do,"  was  the  energetic 
response.  "Money's  the  only  thing  that  talks 
with  me,  young  feller.  It 's  none  of  my  business 
how  youse  get  it,  but  youse  have  got  to  get  it  or 
git,"  which  struck  me  as  a  pretty  concise  sum 
ming  up  of  the  New  York  Idea. 

It  was  as  if  a  drunken  subaltern  had  struck 
the  Emperor  William  in  the  face.  The  Major's 
blue  eyes  went  black,  and  he  stiffened  up  until 
dignity  and  danger  fairly  radiated  from  his  person. 

"  Madam,"  he  began  —  and  his  tone  was  the 
one  that  he  would  have  used  if  he  had  been 
reaching  for  his  revolver  to  shoot  a  gambler 
whom  he  had  caught  cheating  —  "yo*  money 
will  be  ready  fo'  you  in  one  hour,  and  these 
appahtments  at  yo'  disposal  five  minutes  later. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     175 

Until  then,  Mr.  Spurlock  and  myself  prefer  to 
be  alone,"  and  he  opened  the  door. 

The  landlady  looked  at  him,  extinguished 
her  anger  as  quickly  as  she  'd  kindled  it,  and 
went  out  without  a  word.  There  was  really 
nothing  to  say,  but,  if  I  'd  done  that  to  her,  she  'd 
have  said  something  anyway. 

"Well,  Major,"  I  ventured.  "She's  not 
exactly  what  you  'd  call  confiding." 

"She  is  not,  suh,  exactly  what  you  'd  call  any- 
thin'  but  names,  and,  as  we  could  n't  cuss  her 
out  befo'  her  face,  we  must  n't  behind  her  back. 
After  all,  she  's  only  po'  white  trash,  a  she-devil 
that 's  hung  over  the  fire  in  her  hell-hole  of  a 
kitchen,  cookin'  fo'  tin-ho'n  spo'ts  and  sho't- 
card  men  so  long  that  she  can't  understand  that 
she  's  been  entertainin'  gentlemen  unawares.  Still, 
it 's  very  annoyin'  and  very  humiliatin'.  I 
reckon  I  '11  have  to  negotiate  a  triflin'  loan  on 
old  reliable,  Jack,"  and  he  tapped  his  watch- 
pocket  and  reached  for  his  hat.  Then,  as  he 
went  out  the  door,  he  added:  "And  if  that 
pa'simonious  houn'  of  a  Hebrew  usurer  offers 
me  less  than  fifty  I  '11  throw  him  to  the  hogs." 

He  came  back  with  fifty. 

I  'm  not  given  to  introspection,  because  when 
I  look  within  I  rarely  find  anything,  but  I  confess 
that  while  the  Major  was  out  I  had  a  little  serious 


176    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

conversation  with  myself,  and  that  the  question 
of  going  to  the  Governor  and  crying  "enough'* 
was  among  the  matters  which  came  up  for  consid 
eration.  I  knew  he  would  take  me  back,  but  he 
would  do  it  in  about  the  same  spirit  as  that  in 
which  he  would  absorb  a  weak  railroad.  I  had 
been  pretty  severely  spanked  by  "the  world's 
rough  hand,"  but  as  between  that  and  my  parent's, 
I  preferred  to  remain  on  the  knees  of  the  gods, 
even  if  I  must  continue  to  occupy  an  undignified 
position  there.  That  settled  and  off  my  mind,  I 
turned  to  and  began  to  pack  up  our  belongings  so 
that,  by  the  time  the  Major  returned  with  the 
money,  everything  was  in  the  trunks  except  our 
evening  clothes.  We  quickly  changed  into  these, 
sent  our  baggage  to  a  modest  little  hotel,  where 
we  could  get  a  room  over  night  for  a  couple  of 
dollars,  then  paid  the  subdued,  but  still  suspicious, 
landlady,  and  were  out  of  the  house  within  the 
stipulated  hour.  "And  a  good  job,  too,  suh," 
commented  the  Major,  as  we  went  down  the 
steps;  "fo',  in  all  my  varied  experience,  I  have 
never,  suh,  encountered  a  female  who  concen 
trated  so  much  malice  and  venom  in  her  bosom." 

"Nor  so  many  grease  spots  on  it,"  I  added. 
And  so-  we  passed  out  into  the  night  and  on  to 
Delrnonico's. 

"I  feel,  Jack,"  began  the  Major,  as  we  took 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     177 

our  seats  in  the  cafe,  "that  after  our  tryin'  ex 
periences  I  need  a  little  humourin'  befo'  I  can 
regain  my  faith  in  mankind,  and  especially  in 
that  po'tion  of  it  which  is  engaged  in  the  boa'din'- 
house  business.  Now  what  would  you  say  to  a 
cup  of  clear  green  turtle;  a  bit  of  broiled  pompano; 
some  —  er  —  grilled  sweet  potatoes  around  a 
grouse  —  not  high,  waiter,  but  middlin'  well 
hung;  some  nice,  crisp  romaine,  with  a  dash  of 
chives  in  the  dressin';  and  a  quart  of  Pol  Roger 
'89  to  wash  it  down  ?  Does  that  meet  with  yo* 
approbation,  suh,  or  would  you  like  to  add  a 
few  fixin's  ?" 

I  answered  with  a  nod,  but  as  soon  as  the 
waiter  was  out  of  hearing  I  whispered  hoarsely: 

"Will  the  bank  stand  the  strain,  Major,  and 
how  about  breakfast  ?" 

"My  deah  boy,"  the  Major  returned,  a  slight 
shade  of  annoyance  marring  his  expression  of 
perfect  contentment,  "you  sometimes  say  things 
that  lead  me  to  fear  you  have  the  soul  of  a  blank 
Yankee  money-lender,"  and  that  was  all  the 
satisfaction  I  got  just  then. 

Later,  however,  after  we  had  finished  our 
coffee  and  cigars,  and  were  strolling  up  the  Avenue, 
I  found  that  the  Major  had  fifteen  dollars  left, 
which  was  better  than  I  had  dared  hope. 

We  had  lingered  so  long  in  the  cafe  that  the 


178    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

people  were  already  pouring  out  of  the  theatres, 
but  as  neither  of  us  was  in  the  humour  for  going 
to  bed,  we  continued  to  stroll  aimlessly  along, 
watching  the  lights  and  the  gay  crowds,  until  we 
found  ourselves  approaching  darker  and  quieter 
streets.  At  one  of  these  the  Major  stopped 
suddenly.  "By  Geo'ge,  Jack!"  he  exclaimed. 
"Handy's  is  just  around  the  co'ner.  Let's 
drop  in  and  watch  the  play  fo'  half  an  hour. 
It 's  a  square  game,  one  of  the  few  left  in  this 
country  that  a  gentleman  need  not  be  ashamed 


to  sit  in." 


"But  will  they  let  us  in?"  I  questioned.  I 
knew  Handy's  by  reputation,  as  a  place  where  a 
Pittsburg  millionaire  could,  and  usually  did, 
drop  anything  from  one  to  a  hundred  thousand, 
but  where  retail  gamblers  were  severely  frowned 
on.  I  doubted  whether  any  two  men  with 
combined  assets  of  fifteen  dollars  could  pass  its 
portals,  except  to  make  an  ignominious  exit. 
I  elaborated  this  doubt  to  the  Major. 

"Nonsense,"  he  replied  reprovingly.  "You 
must  get  over  this  vulgah  No'thern  notion  that 
a  man 's  simply  the  amount  of  currency  that  he 
happens  to  have  upon  his  person.  Come  right 
along  with  me,"  and,  almost  before  I  knew  it, 
the  door  of  the  house  had  swung  open  with  a 
polite,  "  Good  evening,  Major,"  which  I  found, 


JACK  SPURLOCK-   PRODIGAL     179 

on  peering  into  the  gloom,  came  from  an  obse 
quious  attendant.  He  passed  us  in  to  a  second 
man,  who  relieved  us  of  our  hats  and  coats. 

I  still  felt  a  little  abashed  at  venturing  into 
this  luxurious  lair  of  the  tiger,  without  being  able 
to  risk  a  thousand  or  two  for  the  privilege,  but 
the  Major,  a  superb  figure  in  his  evening  clothes, 
preceded  me  up  the  stairs  with  a  serene  confidence 
that  he  would  be  welcome,  which  characterised 
his  entrance  into  any  society.  I  began  to  ap 
preciate  as  never  before  how  much  of  my  old 
self-confidence  and  self-esteem  had  been  cut  off 
with  my  allowance.  Six  months  back  I  should 
have  been  cocksure  of  my  welcome  in  any  gamb 
ling-house  and  have  ascribed  it  to  some  peculiarly 
engaging  quality  in  myself. 

At  the  door  of  the  salon,  we  were  met  by  Handy 
himself,  a  quiet,  suave  man,  who  greeted  the 
Major  cordially,  asked  him  where  he  had  been 
keeping  himself  for  the  past  year,  and  shook 
hands  with  me  as  if  he  were  my  host  at  a  little 
affair  where  my  company,  and  not  my  money 
was  wanted.  Then  he  turned  back  to  my  com 
panion. 

"  Playing  to-night,  Major  ?"  he  questioned, 
quite  in  the  tone  that  one  would  use  if  one  were 
asking  a  friend  if  his  appetite  were  good. 

"I    really    don't    know,    Handy,"    the    Major 


i8o     JACK  SPURLOCK ,—  PRODIGAL 

returned'  carelessly.  "  t  have  n't  been  in-  very 
good  fo'm  lately,  but  I  should  say  that  the  blank 
luck  was  about  due  to  change.  1  reckon  I1  '11 
pike  along  through1  a  deal  or  two  and  see"  hbw 
the  cards-  ruft  befo'  I  leave." 

Handy  smiled,  and,  to  show  his  understanding 
of  his  fellow-professional's  niettle,  gratiously 
offered-  to  take  off  the  limit  for  the  Maj&tf  if  he 
should  find  himself  in  the  humour  tfc>'  pla^'.  Ap 
parently,  my  dear  old  friend  had  not  been  a  piker* 
in  his  day,  a<nd  he  was-  a:  mighty  good  bluffer  yet:, 
for  one  would  nave  thought,-  f-fbm-  M&  manner* 
of  thanking  Handy,  that  playing  with'  the  limit 
off  was  still  a  blessed  and  accustomed  privilege. 
This  exchange  of  greetings  over,  Karidy  turned 
to  welcome  a  newcomer,,  while  we  passed''  611' 
into  the  room. 

There  were,  perhaps,  a  dozen  men  around-  trie 
roulette  wheel  arid'  the  faro*  table.-  The  games 
were  proceeding  quietly,  except  for  the  presence 
of  one-  noisy,  pudgy  youth,  who  seemed  to  be 
losing  steadily  artd^  in-  sufficiently  large  slirns;  to"- 
warrant"  some  excitement?  ori  the  part  of  his  absent, 
hardworking,  millionaire  papa,  as  well  as  him 
self.  I  turned;  from"  him-  justf  iri'  time  to  s'fce  the 
Major,  who  had'  lounged*  ovet  ttJ  the  roulette 
wheel,  drop  our  precious  ten-spot  on  the  board^ 
quite  as  if  he  were  lined  with  money  and  found 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    181 

it  heating.  Of  course,  I  started  across  the  room 
on  the  jump  to  reason  with  him,  but  I  was  too 
late.  Already  the  ball  was  spinning,  and,  as  I 
reached  the  Major's  side,  it  clicked  into  a  pocket. 

"Four  and  the  red,"  the  attendant  sang  out. 

I  turned  away  and  walked  over  to  the  faro 
table,  so  that  I  need  not  see  our  ten-spot  scooped 
in.  I  felt  that  I  simply  could  n't  bear  it.  Nor 
did  I  care  to  have  the  Major  see  the  reproach 
for  my  lost  breakfast  that  must  have  burned  in 
my  eyes,  for,  of  course,  the  five  would  follow 
the  ten-spot  and  we  should  walk  home  penniless. 
A  touch  on  my  arm  disturbed  these  bitter  reflec 
tions,  and  I  found  the  Major  dropping  into  a 
vacant  chair  at  the  faro  table  before  me. 

"I  don't  like  these  blank,  frivolous,  finicky 
French  games,"  he  observed  calmly,  as  he  laid 
a  hundred-dollar  chip  on  the  high  card  and 
another  on  the  jack  to  win;  "they  unsettle  a 
man  fo'  serious  and  thoughtful  play,"  and  he 
reached  across  for  his  stakes,  which  the  dealer 
had  just  doubled  after  announcing,  "The  deuce 
loses  and  the  jack  wins." 

It  seemed  that  in  my  haste  to  be  spared  the 
sight  of  the  Major's  finish  at  the  roulette  wheel, 
I  had  failed  to  notice  that  our  ten-spot  was  on 
the  four,  and  that  when  it  came  up  the  old  scamp 
fead  taken  down  three  hundred  and  sixty  dollars 


i82    JACK  SPURLOCK-   PRODIGAL 

in  chips,  to  which  he  had  just  added  a  couple  of 
hundred. 

I  was  in  a  perfect  agony  of  haste  to  pry  him 
loose  while  he  had  all  that  money  in  his  hands, 
so  I  nudged  him  first,  and,  as  this  produced  no 
effect,  I  kicked  him  viciously  on  the  shin.  He 
gave  me  a  pleasant  glance  in  return,  and  to  show 
that  he  was  in  full  sympathy  with  the  desire  to 
press  our  luck  which  my  kick  conveyed  to  him, 
he  placed  a  five-hundred-dollar  bet  on  the  deuce 
and  settled  down  comfortably  in  his  chair  to 
watch  the  deal. 

If  I  have  a  weakness  —  and  I  've  been  told 
that  I  have  —  it 's  an  inability  to  show  my  dis 
approval  of  people,  and  to  disappoint  them  if 
they  appeal  to  me  for  encouragement  when  they 
are  preparing  to  do  some  perfectly  idiotic  thing. 
My  friends  have  always  taken  it  for  granted 
that  I  was  in  hearty  sympathy  with  every  form  of 
foolishness.  Time  after  time,  when  some  scheme 
of  which  I  heartily  disapproved  has  been  sprung 
on  me,  and  I  've  started  in  to  express  myself 
in  words  of  burning  reproof,  one  look  at  the 
beaming,  fatuous  face  before  me  has  dried  up 
the  fountains  of  criticism,  and  I  have  gushed 
forth  the  expected,  "Perfectly  bully,  old  man!" 

It  was  just  like  that  in  this  instance.  I  grabbed 
the  Major's  arm  and  started  to  hiss  in  his  ear, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     183 

"Come  away,  you  old  ass";  but  instead  I  whis 
pered,  "Corking  work,  Major!  Crowd  'em! 
We  need  the  money,"  and  hung  over  his  back  in 
an  agony  of  hope  that  something  would  happen 
to  make  him  stop  while  he  was  winning.  For 
win  he  did,  steadily  and  largely,  with  only  an 
occasional  set-back.  Time  after  time,  he  risked 
five  hundred  and  a  thousand  on  the  turn  of  a 
card,  winning  and  losing  in  a  calm,  imperturable 
fashion  that  was  in  fine  contrast  to  the  excitement 
of  Harry  Manton,  the  Steel  King,  who  was  sitting 
across  the  board  and  acting  like  a  fresh-water 
college  sophomore  just  after  the  'Varsity  eleven 
has  missed  a  try  for  goal.  Apparently  the  Major, 
whom  I  had  always  found  ready  to  go  up  into 
the  air  over  "the  hell-houn's  of  the  System" 
and  tariff  reform,  allowed  himself  the  luxury 
of  excitement  only  when  there  was  nothing  to  get 
excited  about,  while  he  held  himself  in  readiness 
to  face  the  crises  of  life  at  ten  paces. 

I  would  stand  over  him  as  long  as  I  could  bear 
the  excitement,  and  then  turn  to  one  of  the  other 
tables  and  make  a  pretence  of  watching  the  play 
there.  But,  in  a  moment,  I  would  be  back  in 
my  old  place,  afraid  at  first  to  look  at  the  Major's 
pile  ot  chips,  lest  I  should  find  that  it  had  been 
dissipated  in  riotous  bets.  Yet  each  time  I  would 
find  that  the  Major  had  proved  faithful  to  his 


184    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

stewardship,  and  that  his  sta^k  of  yellows  had  a 
new  bay-window  or  cupola  on  it. 

When,  at  two  o'clock  in  the  morning,  I  returned 
from  my  twentieth  tour  of  inspection  and  found 
that  the  Major  was  looking  at  the  dealer  over 
ten  thousand  dollars'  worth  of  yellow  chips,  I 
decided  that  something  immediate  and  decisive 
must  be  done  to  get  him  —  and  the  money  — 
away.  So  I  leaned  over,  and,  in  a  voice  that  I 
tried  to  make  very  firm,  whispered: 

"Come,  Major;  we  Ve  had  enough  of  this, 
have  n't  we  ?  It  *s  two  o'clock,  and  we  should 
be  getting  along." 

The  Major's  impassive  expression  changed  in 
a  moment  to  one  of  concern  and  self-reproach. 

"My  deah  boy!"  he  exclaimed  impulsively. 
"How  selfish  of  me!  Here  I  Ve  been  enjoyin' 
myself  in  my  own  way  and  never  givin'  a  thought 
to  how  dull  it  must  be  fo'  you.  We  '11  go  directly." 

Oh!  how  the  lights  danced,  and  the  little  birds 
sang  in  the  bushes,  and  my  heart  leaped  for  joy! 
We  were  actually  going  to  get  away  with  the 
loot !  Then 

"Oh!  Handy!"  the  Major  called  to  the  pro 
prietor,  who  was  standing  near  the  board.  "One 
turn,  high  card  to  win,  splits  barred  ?" 

"How  much?"     Handy  returned. 

"About  ten  thousand,   I  reckon,"  the  Major 


0* 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     185 

answered,  pushing  his  yellows  out  on  the  board. 
"And  this  blank  chicken  feed,"  he  added,  shoving 
after  them  some  reds  and  whites,  which  included 
our  original  stake  of  ten  dollars. 

The  lights  dimmed,  the  birds  stopped  singing, 
and  my  heart  landed  in  my  boots  with  a  thud. 
It  had  leaped  too  quick.  In  my  foolish  haste 
to  get  the  Major  away,  I  had  precipitated  the 
catastrophe.  I  turned  to  Handy,  with  a  half 
hope  that  he  would  refuse  the  bet,  but  he  simply 
nodded  a  smiling  assent  to  the  dealer. 

The  players  at  the  other  tables  left  their  seats 
and  crowded  around  us,  peering  down  over  one 
another's  shoulders,  like  a  street  crowd  pushing 
for  a  look  at  an  injured  man.  And  I  had  a 
sickening  certainty  that  in  a  moment  the  Major 
would  furnish  the  corpse. 

"Make  your  bets,  gentlemen,"  the  dealer 
called  briskly. 

I  tried  to  close  my  eyes  to  shut  out  the  horrid 
sight;  but  it  was  no  use.  I  could  n't  look  away 
from  the  little  box  which  held  the  cards.  What 
was  the  dealer  waiting  for  ?  Why  did  n't  he 
hurry  ?  Could  n't  he  see  what  an  agony  of 
suspense  I  was  in  ?  There  - 

"The  tray  loses!"  the  dealer  called,  slipping 
out  the  first  card. 

The  Major  would  win!     Only  the  ace  and  the 


186    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

deuce  could  beat  him  now,  and  the  chances  were 
small  that  either  was  the  next  card  in  the  box.  A  long 
breath  of  relief  came  from  the  men  about  the  board 
and  mingled  with  a  pious  exclamation  from  me. 

"And  the  deuce  wins,"  continued  the  man  at 
the  box,  finishing  the  deal. 

The  Major  had  lost. 

"Geo'ge,"  he  called  to  a  pop-eyed  waiter, 
who  was  lingering  as  near  the  table  as  he  dared; 
"a  glass  of  wine  for  Mr.  Spurlock,  and  some 
Bou'bon,  the  '69,  fo'  me.  Mind  you,  Bou'bon, 
you  black  rascal,"  he  called  after  the  admiring 
waiter,  as  he  got  up  from  the  table  and  stretched 
himself.  Then,  turning  to  the  proprietor:  "I 
certainly  made  yo'  dealer  work  hard  to  get  my 
ten  dollars,  Handy,"  he  chuckled. 

I  stood  around  in  sullen  silence  until  the  drinks 
came,  curtly  refused  mine,  and  then  followed 
the  still  smiling  Major  down  stairs.  As  the  man 
held  open  the  door  for  us,  the  Major  fumbled 
in  his  pockets,  and,  with  a  pleasant,  "Good 
night,"  tipped  him  our  last  five-dollar  bill. 

I  broke  down  at  this.  "Oh,  Major!  Major!" 
I  cried,  as  we  turned  into  the  street,  "Do  you 
know  what  you  've  done  ?" 

The  Major  stared  at  me  blankly. 

"You  tipped  that  fellow  our  last  cent,  and  it  *s 
almost  time  for  breakfast!" 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL     187 

"Why,  so  I  did,  Jack!"  the  Major  replied, 
coming  down  out  of  the  atmosphere  of  thousands 
in  which  he  had  been  living  all  evening.  "How 
thoughtless  of  me!  But  never  mind.  There  's 
always  some  way  of  payin'  fo'  breakfast.  We 
must  n't  let  the  triflin'  little  cares  and  worries 
of  life  spoil  its  pleasures  for  us." 

I  was  too  amazed  and  aggrieved  to  answer, 
for  now  that  I  was  back  in  the  sane  and  calming 
night  air,  it  was  not  the  loss  of  the  ten  thousand 
dollars  —  that  had  been  too  big  and  too  intangible 
—  which  I  minded.  My  grievance  was  the  loss 
of  that  fifteen  dollars  in  actual  cash.  But  the 
Major,  in  happy  ignorance  of  my  anger,  babbled 
on  like  a  newly  orphaned  Vanderbilt: 

"A  very  agreeable  evenin',  Jack.  Quite  like 
the  old  times,  except  that  I  missed  the  atmos 
phere,  if  I  may  call  it  that,  of  my  day.  The 
company  to-night  was  perhaps  a  trifle  —  er  — 
promiscuous,  and  it  lacked  in  breedin'  and  repose, 
I  thought.  That  steel  fellow,  now  —  a  little 
vulgah,  eh,  Jack  ?" 

I  assented,  and  he  rambled  on,  telling  of  the 
days  when  he  ran  the  river,  of  brave  companions 
and  of  high  play,  until  he  had  quite  lifted  me  out 
of  my  ill-humour. 

"  But  that  's  all  over,  suh,"  he  wound  up  with 
a  sigh  at  the  door  of  our  little  hotel,  where,  happily, 


i88    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

our  trunks  were  a  passport  to  a  room;  "this 
generation  is  too  dashed  self-righteous  to  play 
anythin'  but  pinocle  fo*  fun,  or  too  blanked 
snobbish  to  play  anythin'  fo'  stakes  except 
bridge,  and  that  only  with  people  to  whom  they  've 
been  regularly  introduced.  Faro,  with  a  few 
honourable  exceptions,  like  our  friend  Handy, 
is  in  the  hands  of  men  who  are  a  disgrace  to  their 
profession.  They  've  brought  gamblin'  to  such 
a  pass  that  quite  a  sentiment  has  been  fostered 
against  it.  Why,  I  could  feel  to-night,  Jack, 
that  back  in  yo'  dashed  Puritan  conscience  you 
did  n't  quite  approve  of  my  playin'." 

I  had  the  grace  to  blush,  because  my  motives 
had  not  been  unmixed,  but  I  only  answered: 
"  I  guess  there  's  nothing  in  gambling  nowadays, 
Major." 

We  undressed  quickly  and  in  silence,  but 
after  the  lights  were  out  and  we  were  in  bed 
the  Major  called  across  to  me: 

"Luck's  a  queer  thing,  Jack.  Business  men 
call  it  oppo'tunity;  but  whatever  you  call  it, 
there  's  only  one  thing  to  know  about  it  —  press 
it  while  you  've  got  it,  and  quit  at  the  right  time. 
I  wish,"  he  concluded  reflectively,  "there  was 
some  way  of  knowing  when  the  right  time  to  quit 
had  come." 


CHAPTER  IX 

IN    WHICH    THE    PRODIGAL    GOES    TO    THE    RESCUE 
OF    BEAUTY   IN   DISTRESS 

WHEN  I  first  became  conscious  of  the 
Voice,  it  seemed  to  come  from  an  im 
mense  distance,  from  another  world  almost. 
It  floated  nearer,  and  I  strained  to  catch  a  word 
or  a  sentence,  but  I  could  hear  nothing  except 
the  tones,  awful  now  in  their  dignity  and  majesty. 
Again  it  roiled  nearer,  and  I  began  vaguely  to 
understand  that  it  was  giving  orders  —  orders 
of  immense  importance,  preparing  an  army  for 
a  campaign,  requisitioning  vast  stores  of  supplies, 
expending  huge  sums  of  money.  Still  nearer 
it  came,  and  now  it  sounded  strangely  familiar. 
"Geo'ge,"  it  was  saying,  "or  is  yo'  name 
Alphonse  ?  Emile,  then.  Well,  Emiie,  lend  me 
yo'  ears,  fo'  I  am  about  to  speak  with  you  on  a 
matter  of  some  impo'tance.  Mr.  Spurlock  and  I 
are  feelin'  a  trifle  peaked  this  mornin',  low 
in  our  minds  and  our  finances,  though  high 
in  faith  and  appetite.  A  good  breakfast  will 
raise  our  spirits,  and  then  I  shall  raise  the  wind, 
so  there  will  be  five  dollars  to  yo'  credit  at  luncheon 

189 


190    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

if  you  give  all  yo'  attention  to  what  I  am  goin* 
to  say,  and  then  impart  a  little  of  yo'  enthusiasm 
to  the  chef." 

"Oui;  yes;  of  a  certainty,  monsieur,"  a  minor 
Voice  assented.  It  's  curious  how  sympathetic 
waiters  always  are  with  men  whom  they  suspect 
of  having  been  on  a  bat  the  night  before. 

"Well,  then,"  the  major  Voice  continued, 
"we  '11  begin  with  some  grapefruit,  and  fill  up 
its  crevices  with  a  little  old  sherry  —  amontillado, 
mind  you,  not  a  blank  mixture  of  burnt  sugar 
and  raw  spirits;  then  some  young  chicken  Mary 
land,  with  little,  crisp  co'n  fritters  and  fried 
hominy;  some  potatoes  au  gratin;  French  rolls, 
and  a  large  pot  of  coffee.  With  cream  ?  Oui, 
cream  of  the  cow;  comprenez?  None  of  yo' 
dashed  blue  hot  milk.  And  —  yes,  I  reckon 
we  '11  top  off  with  some  waffles  and  maple  syrup, 
and  the  two-bit  cigars  of  Habana.  Does  that 
sound  like  a  competent  breakfast,  Emile  ?  Ap- 
prouvez  vous?" 

The  minor  Voice  was  apparently  satisfied 
of  its  competence,  for  I  heard  a  murmured  assent 
and  the  door  closed  gently.  Then  the  major 
Voice,  humming,  "Pull  fo*  the  sho',  sailor,  pull 
fo*  the  sho',"  jumped  out  of  bed  and  began  to 
frisk  across  the  floor  to  the  bathroom. 

I  sat  up.     "Hi,  Major!"     I  called.     "You're 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    191 

certainly  checked  high  this  morning  and  going 
some.  But  I  'm  a  little  curious  to  know  who  's 
going  to  pay  for  that  breakfast." 

The  Major  turned  and  surveyed  me  reproach 
fully.  "Why,  Jack,"  he  answered,  "you  're  gettin' 
to  be  a  regular  blank  Pandora  fo'  curiosity. 
We  '11  pay  fo'  the  breakfast  with  what  Pandora 
found  at  the  bottom  of  the  box,  and  give  Emile 
the  change." 

"Hope  for  the  hotel  and  kind  words  for  the 
waiter,"  was  my  comment.  I  had  n't  forgotten 
that  fifteen  dollars  in  actual  cash. 

"Kind  words  are  mo'  than  coronets,"  returned 
the  Major  cheerily. 

"And  cost  less,"  I  added.  "But  they  don't 
cash  in  for  a  cent  in  New  York.  Conversa 
tion  won't  pay  for  that  breakfast,  and  if  you  try 
it  on  there  '11  simply  be  another  horrid  scene." 

"Of  cou'se,  of  cou'se,"  the  Major  assented 
soothingly.  "I  was  only  jokin',  my  deah  boy. 
You  must  n't  let  yo'self  give  way  to  gloomy 
fo'bodin's  so  easily.  We  're  not  at  the  end  of 
our  resou'ces  yet,  suh,  not  by  any  means,  as 
you  '11  appreciate  on  a  moment's  reflection  when 
you  've  cleared  the  cobwebs  from  yo'  head. 
Now  hop  into  yo'  bath  and  get  ready  to  eat  a 
good  breakfast,  fo'  we  must  conserve  our  strength, 
as  we  're  goin'  to  be  mighty  busy  to-day.  And 


192    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

Jack,"  he  added  meaningly,  "put  on  yo'  favourite 
business  suit."  It  was  an  ominous  hint  which, 
I  felt,  portended  no  good  to  the  remainder  of  my 
wardrobe. 

After  we  were  dressed  and  the  Major  had  had 
his  morning  nip — it  made  one  thirsty  just  to  see 
him  take  a  drink — we  settled  down  to  our  grape 
fruit  and  to  conversation. 

"Some  men,"  the  Major  began  oracularly, 
"allow  that  they  're  broke  when  they  've  got  a 
house  and  a  regular  salary.  Have  n't  the  dashed 
resou'cefulness  to  mo'tgage  the  house  or  to  over 
draw  the  salary,  even.  Others  allow  that  they  're 
broke  when  they  've  got  a  wardrobe  overflowin' 
with  superfluous  clothes  and  various  little  trinkets 
and  gewgaws.  But  when  I  allow  that  I  'm 
broke,"  and  a  note  of  superior  virtue  swelled  in 
his  slightly  raised  voice,  "I  've  got  nothin',  suh, 
but  the  suit  I  'm  standin'  in,  and  no  watch  con 
cealed  about  my  person,  either!  That,  suh,  is 
what  I  call  honest  poverty." 

I  nodded  and  glanced  sadly  at  the  chair  over 
which  my  evening  clothes  were  festooned,  for, 
from  the  drift  of  the  Major's  conversation,  my 
earlier  impression  was  confirmed,  and  I  gathered 
that  I  was  now  engaged  in  eating  the  white  silk 
waistcoat,  and  that  the  coat  and  trousers  were 
already  on  the  fire  below. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     193 

"Some  men,"  the  old  fellow  continued,  "ex 
haust  the  patience  of  their  friends  by  borrowin' 
from  them  befo'  they  negotiate  a  loan  on  their 
personal  effects.  But  a  friend  in  need  must  n't 
be  in  need  too  dashed  often.  I  exhaust  the  patience 
of  strangers,  suh,  befo'  I  draw  on  that  of  friends." 

"I  'm  with  you  there,"  I  chimed  in. 

"I  knew  it,  Jack,"  was  the  hearty  answer. 
"I  picked  you  fo'  a  thoroughbred  at  the  start, 
and  you  've  shown  blue-grass  breedin'  in  every 
heat  that  you  've  trotted." 

It  was  the  Major's  best  compliment,  and  I 
v/ished  that  it  had  been  deserved,  but  he  believed 
it,  which  was  the  main  thing  just  then.  I  thanked 
him  and  inquired  what  the  programme  was. 

"Lah  Grippah!"  he  replied.  "You  remember 
—  my  simple  remedy  fo'  simpletons.  I  saw  it 
cornin'  when  the  Teddy  Bear  failed,  but  I  hoped 
that  somethin'  might  turn  up  to  stave  it  off. 
But  nothin'  has,  though  that  was  a  mighty  near 
thing  last  night,  Jack  —  a  rustlin*  of  angels' 
wings,  so  to  speak.  Where  we  are  goin',  it  would 
be  bad  fo'm  to  dress  ostentatiously.  By  intrustin' 
our  superfluous  apparel  to  a  member  of  the  con 
servative  race,  we  shall  not  only  be  layin'  it  up 
where  moth  cannot  corrupt,  but  we  shall  provide 
ourselves  with  funds  to  liquidate  our  little  bill 
here  and  to  make  a  start  on  the  road." 


194    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"For  where?"  I  questioned,  but  my  mind 
was  made  up.  Much  as  I  liked  the  Major,  the 
time  to  break  with  him  had  come.  I  could  not 
and  I  would  not  start  out  as  a  medicine  fakir. 

"The   East   Sho',"   the   Major   answered. 

"Of  Maryland?" 

"Exactly,  suh.  A  peninsula  of  paradise, 
where  many  of  the  best  traditions  of  the  old  days 
are  still  maintained." 

"Colds     prevalent    there?     Much     sickness?" 

"  It 's  the  healthiest  place  I  know,  Jack," 
was  the  answer.  "Never  heard  of  a  sick  man 
there;  never  heard  of  anyone  dyin',  except  a 
No'therner  who  went  insane  with  joy  eatin* 
terrapin,  and  broke  his  neck  tryin'  to  pull  his 
head  down  into  his  chest  —  thought  he  was  a 
dashed  turtle.  No,  suh!  Sick  people  send  fo' 
doctors  and  have  prescriptions  filled.  You  give 
me  a  healthy  country,  where  doctors  can't  make 
a  living  and  I  '11  do  business  every  time." 

"  But  is  this  Lah  Grippah  any  good  ?"  I  was 
craftily  leading  up  to  the  split. 

"It's  been  good  to  me,  Jack,"  the  Major 
answered  simply. 

"No;  you  know  what  I  mean,"  I  persisted. 
"  Does  it  really  help  people  ?" 

"It  does  n't  hurt  them." 

"That 's    begging    the    question,    Major,"    I 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     195 

returned  a  little  sharply.  "What's  in  it,  and 
is  it  a  really  good  patent  medicine  ?" 

The  Major  stood  up  and  swelled  up  before 
he  discharged  his  reply  at  me. 

"  Patent  medicine,  suh  ?  Patent  medicine  ? 
Who  said  anything  about  patent  medicines  ?" 
he  exploded.  "They  're  the  curse  of  the  country. 
No,  suh!  When  I  encounter  a  patient  who  is 
sick,  I  call  a  doctor;  when  I  get  one  who  wants  a 
drink,  I  prescribe  the  nearest  barroom.  My 
remedy  is  harmless  and  wholesome.  It 's  com 
pounded  fo'  well  people  who  think  they  're  sick. 
Lah  Grippah  and  Natchah  work  hand  in  hand. 
Lah  Grippah  cures  their  foolishness  and  Natchah 
eliminates  the  Lah  Grippah  from  their  systems. 
There  's  not  a  drop  of  real  medicine  in  it.  It 's 
just  a  bad  smell  and  a  bitter  taste.  There  's 
altogether  too  much  takin'  of  medicines  that  are 
compounded  of  powerful  drugs  in  this  country! 
Besides,  they  're  expensive,"  and  at  this  climax 
the  Major's  chest  collapsed,  and  he  sat  down  out 
of  breath. 

The  moment  had  come.  I  must  refuse  to  be 
a  party  to  drugging  and  deceiving  the  inno 
cent  inhabitants  of  the  East  Shore.  I  cleared 
my  throat  to  tell  the  old  rascal  what  I  thought 
of  him  and  his  methods,  but  he  was  already 
speaking  again. 


196    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"And  do  you  know,  Jack,"  he  ran  on,  "that 
I  'm  rather  lookin'  fo'ward  to  the  trip  this  time. 
Of  late  years  I  'd  worked  by  myself  until  I  met 
you,  and,  some  way,  I  never  knew  just  what  a 
lonely  old  fellow  I  'd  become.  But  our  little 
friendship  has  been  a  great  comfo't  to  me,  Jack, 
a  great  comfo't,"  and  looking  up,  I  caught  the 
old  boy  beaming  at  me  with  eyes  full  of  affection. 

I  don't  go  in  much  for  expressions  of  sentiment 
between  men,  but  I  'd  have  given  anything  in 
the  world  if  I  could  have  surprised  that  look 
just  once  in  my  father's  eyes.  The  Major  might 
be  an  old  rascal,  and  he  probably  was,  but  he  was 
a  sincere  old  rascal,  and  a  lovable  one.  No 
doubt  it  was  moral  cowardice,  but  if  he  'd  pro 
posed  a  little  porch-climbing  expedition  to  me 
just  then,  I  'd  have  gone  out  and  bought  a  pair 
of  sneakers.  As  it  was,  I  reached  over  and 
gripped  his  hand  with: 

"You  Ve  been  corking  to  me,  Major,  ever 
since  we  met,  and  it 's  mighty  good  of  you  to  let 
me  in  on  this."  And  having  scuttled  my  con 
science  in  this  fashion,  I  proceeded  to  run  up  the 
black  flag  by  proposing  that  we  carry  a  few  side 
lines  with  Lah  Grippah.  "We  ought,"  I  sug 
gested,  "to  appeal  to  as  many  different  kinds  of 
damfoolishness  as  possible." 

"The  very  thing,  Jack!"  the  Major  exclaimed 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     197 

enthusiastically.  "A  good  tonic,  fo'  instance, 
somethin'  to  promote  the  growth  and  invigorate 
the  roots  of  the  hair,  impartin'  at  the  same  time 
a  pleasin'  perfume  to  the  person.  A  pomade  's 
the  thing,  suh,  somethin'  slick  and  shiny  and 
smelly  —  that 's  what  the  simple,  sturdy  youth 
of  our  country  want.  And  oh!  Jack!  just  listen 
here !  We  '11  call  it  Teddy  Bear  Grease,  and 
then  that  suit  we  had  made  fo'you  won't  be  wasted. 
Why,  suh!  you  '11  only  have  to  stand  up  in  those 
Teddy  bear  clothes  and  they  '11  fight  to  buy; 
you  saw  enough  last  time  to  know  that,  Jack." 
I  certainly  had,  and  furthermore,  ever  since 
that  episode  I  had  been  unable  to  eat  anything 
particularly  rich  before  going  to  bed,  without 
having  a  horrid  nightmare,  in  which,  as  a  Teddy 
bear,  I  was  being  pursued  by  our  esteemed,  but 
too  agile,  President,  who,  armed  with  a  glittering 
knife,  was  asserting  his  intention  of  ripping  me 
open  to  see  whether  I  was  stuffed  with  sawdust 
or  cotton  batting.  For  the  Major  to  ask  me  to 
be  the  Teddy  bear  again  was  to  subject  our 
friendship  to  the  supreme  test,  yet  I  made  only 
what  I  knew  would  prove  an  ineffectual  protest; 
for  despite  the  apparent  spontaneity  of  his  sug 
gestion,  there  was  a  guilty  something  in  his  eye 
which  convinced  me  that  the  idea  of  my  playing 
the  part  on  this  trip  was  no  sudden  inspiration. 


198    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"But,  Major,"  I  urged;  "don't  you  think  that 
we  should  have  better  success  with  the  public 
if  we  used  more  dignified  methods  ?  It 's  not  as 
if  we  were  appealing  to  people  with  some  amusing 
toy." 

"Yo'  point  is  well  taken,  Jack,  and  it  shows 
a  high  ethical  standard  fo'  which  I  honah  you. 
I  have  never,  suh,  been  in  sympathy  with 
the  banjo-playin',  sleight-of-hand  methods  of  so 
many  travellin'  doctors.  They  tend  to  lower 
the  tone  of  the  healin'  art  and  to  bring  our  whole 
profession  into  disrepute  with  the  mo*  thoughtful. 
But  a  little  legitimate  advertising  now,  that 's 
a  different  matter.  I  can  see  nothin'  offensive 
to  good  taste  in  presentin'  the  trade-mark  of  our 
pomade  to  the  public  in  a  manner  at  once  so 
convincin*  and  attractive.  At  the  same  time, 
by  havin'  a  livin',  breathin*  embodiment  of  our 
trade-mark  to  do  the  talkin',  we  warn  people  in 
the  most  fo'cible  way  possible  against  infringe 
ments  and  cheap  imitations.  Am  I  right,  suh  ?" 

He  was  n't,  but  he  was  going  to  have  his  way 
in  the  end,  which,  for  all  practical  purposes,  is 
just  as  good  as  being  right;  so  I  came  in.  Then, 
breakfast  being  finished  and  the  check  signed 
with  a  prodigious  flourish  by  the  Major,  we  packed 
our  frock  coats  and  our  linen  in  two  large  suit 
cases.  That  done,  the  Major  called  a  four- 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     199 

wheeler,  and,  as  he  explained  to  the  solicitous 
clerk,  drove  away  to  put  our  trunks  and  their 
contents  in  "storage." 

Left  alone,  I  picked  up  the  papers  to  see  what 
they  had  to  say  about  the  Governor.  It  was 
a  mighty  busy  day  in  the  murder  and  divorce 
courts  when  he  was  n't  mentioned  unpleasantly 
at  least  once.  That  morning  one  of  the  papers 
roasted  him  amusingly,  in  a  half-column  editorial, 
for  withholding  the  announcement  of  the  increase 
in  Illinois  and  Pacific's  dividend  until  the  after 
noon  of  the  directors'  meeting,  not  because  it 
disapproved  of  his  methods,  but  because  it  be 
longed  to  a  different  school  of  high  finance. 
Another,  under  the  heading,  "Spurlock  Methods 
—  Number  21,"  meaning  that  this  was  the  twenty 
first  editorial  on  that  subject,  soaked  him  for 
two  solid  columns.  Of  course  that  hurt  the 
paper  more  than  the  Governor,  for  no  one  lives 
who  will  read  twenty-one  editorials,  each  two 
columns  long,  about  anyone  in  the  world  except 
himself.  Still  it,  too,  was  amusing  in  its  way, 
for  the  fellow  who  wrote  it  was  so  cocksure 
that  men  and  morals  could  be  measured  with  his 
foot  rule. 

That  reflection  landed  me  in  the  obituary 
column,  and,  as  I  scanned  it  perfunctorily,  my 
eye  lit  on  two  or  three  lines  which  brought  me 


200    JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

up  standing.  They  simply  announced  the  death 
of  Hamilton  Grey;  but  Hamilton  Grey  was  Anita's 
father. 

I  sat  there  a  long  time,  staring  at  a  spot  on  the 
wall  and  pretending  that  the  hurt  of  losing  Anita 
was  over,  and  that  what  I  was  feeling  now  was 
brotherly  affection  and  sympathy  and  all  that 
kind  of  rot.  I  was  still  at  it  when  the  Major, 
in  a  pleasant  glow  from  his  tussle  with  his  old 
friend  the  pawnbroker,  burst  into  the  room. 

"Why,  dash  it  all,  Jack!"  he  exclaimed. 
"What's  the  matter?  You  look  as  if  you  were 
runnin'  a  blank  mo'gue.  Buck  up,  my  deah 
boy!  I  made  the  old  scoundrel  come  down 
proper,"  and  he  tapped  his  breast  pocket  joyously. 

"See  here,  Major,"  I  began  without  any  pre 
liminaries,  "  I  need  five  dollars  to  fix  up  a  personal 
matter.  I  know  it 's  too  bad  to  ask  for  it  just 
now  when  we  're  so  short,  but  I  've  simply  got 
to  have  it." 

It  was  characteristic  of  the  Major  that  he  asked 
no  prying  questions;  for  it  was  a  cardinal  principle 
of  his  creed  that  a  man  would  tell  what  he  wanted 
known  about  his  affairs,  and  that  the  rest  was 
nobody's  business.  It  was  equally  characteristic 
of  him  that  he  handed  me  a  ten-dollar  bill,  in 
stead  of  a  five,  and  inquired  anxiously: 

"Are   you    sure    that 's    enough,    Jack  ?    You 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     201 

must  n't  let  that  dashed,  Yankee,  cheeseparin', 
pa'simonious  streak  in  you  get  the  upper  hand." 

I  took  the  ten  dollars  and  spent  it  for  violets 
for  Anita.  Then  I  walked  back  to  the  cafe, 
where  Emile  was  receiving  an  order  from  the 
Major  which  evidently  inspired  profound  respect, 
and  announced: 

"That 's  attended  to,  Major,  and  I  'm  ready 
to  start." 

"You  would  n't  say  that,  Jack,  if  you  knew 
what  I  'd  ordered  fo'  luncheon,"  the  Major 
answered.  "We  're  goin'  to  have  a  little  fo'taste 
of  paradise  in  the  shape  of  some  crab-meat 
Dewey  —  a  dish,  suh,  that  I  should  rather  have 
carry  my  name  down  to  posterity  than  the  battle  of 
Manila  Bay,  and  in  sayin'  that,  I  do  not  underrate 
the  impo'tance  of  that  magnificent  achievement." 

"  I  've  never  tasted  crab-meat  Dewey,"  I 
admitted  indifferently. 

The  Major  smiled,  but  he  gave  me  a  rather 
keen  look,  I  thought.  "Then,  suh,  you  are  in 
fo'  a  tantalisin'  fifteen  minutes,  fo'  I  'm  goin' 
to  fix  it  befo'  yo'  very  eyes.  Here  we  are  now," 
he  added,  as  Emile  placed  a  lighted  chafing- 
dish  on  the  table. 

It  was  a  fine  sight  to  see  the  Major,  skilfully 
blending  crab-meat,  fresh  mushrooms,  and  oyster 
crabs  in  a  delicious  Newburgh  sauce;  stirring  in 


202    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

chopped  truffles,  and,  from  time  to  time,  a  few 
drops  of  sherry;  sniffing  the  fragrant  steam,  now 
anxiously,  now  blissfully,  as  he  fancied  some 
lack  or  detected  some  new  delight.  I  forgot 
my  own  troubles  in  watching  his  blessed  labours, 
and,  before  the  fifteen  minutes  was  up,  I  had 
progressed  from  indifference  to  an  absorption 
in  crab-meat  Dewey  which  made  all  other  human 
concerns  seem  unimportant.  Then  —  a  final  dash 
of  sherry,  a  last  critical  snifF,  a  sigh  of  satisfaction, 
a  "Quick  Emile!"  and  the  light  was  snuffed  out. 
The  masterpiece  was  done. 

There  was  n't  a  word  spoken  for  five  minutes, 
but  the  Major  would  beam  across  at  me,  and  I 
would  beam  back  at  the  Major.  It  was  only  with 
the  second  helping  that  we  became  communica 
tive,  and  then,  naturally,  conversation  drifted 
to  our  coming  trip.  The  Major  prophesied  big 
things  for  it,  arguing  that  with  the  Teddy  Bear 
Grease  to  supplement  his  old  standby,  Lah 
Grippah,  we  should  "sweep  through  the  South 
like  a  devourin'  plague  of  locusts,  and  leave 
it  bare  of  half  dollars." 

At  that  I  ventured  an  observation.  "I  suppose 
you  're  right,  Major,  because  you  know  the  game, 
but  how  reasonable  human  beings  can  be  conned 
into  buying  medicine  on  a  street  corner  passes 
my  understanding." 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    203 

"They  ain't  reasonable  human  bein's,  suh," 
the  Major  retorted.  "There  are  mighty  few 
reasonable  human  bein's  in  the  world  —  not 
one  to  a  thousand  suckers.  Men  go  around 
braggin'  about  their  reason  liftin'  them  above 
the  lower  animals,  and  then  they  don't  use  it. 
There  's  mo'  Natchah-fakin'  in  all  this  pretendin' 
to  be  smarter  than  the  lowly  kine  and  the  intel 
ligent  coon-dog  than  our  honoured  President 
has  dreamed  of  in  his  wildest  moments.  Most 
people  get  their  ideas  second-hand,  and  the 
fuller  they  are  of  holes,  suh,  the  prouder  they 
are  of  them.  They  walk  down  street  with  their 
shirt-tail  stickin'  out,  and  strut  as  if  it  was  a  bunch 
of  ostrich  plumes.  Tell  them  anythin'  loud 
enough,  and  often  enough,  and  they  '11  believe 
it.  Why,  suh  ?  Because  they  have  n't  been 
taught  to  think,  but  only  to  hear.  They  have  n't 
been  taught  to  doubt  and  then  to  believe,  but  to 
believe  first.  Blind  faith  is  made  a  virtue,  and 
the  blinder  yo'  faith,  the  mo'  virtuous  you  are. 
That 's  why  the  market  fo'  goldbricks  is  always 
firm  and  advancin',  no  matter  how  wheat  is 
actin'.  That 's  why  so  many  of  our  country 
men  will  buy  stock  in  any  skin  company  that 
promises  to  perfo'm  financial  miracles,  and  not 
ask  a  solitary  embarrassin'  question  until  after 
they  get  the  repo't  of  the  coroner's  jury  that 's 


204    JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

sat  on  the  remains.  The  fellow  who  said  that  a 
sucker  was  bo'n  every  minute  did  n't  state  the 
case  correctly,  suh;  fo'  suckers  are  n't  bo'n, 
they  're  made  —  made,  suh,  by  asinine  methods 
of  education  which  fo'ce  a  man  to  spend  most 
of  his  time  between  twenty  and  thirty  forgettin' 
what  he  learned  between  ten  and  twenty,  if  he  's 
goin'  to  have  any  sense  between  thirty  and  fo'ty. 
I  'd  be  a  millionaire  now,  Jack,  only  I  did  n't 
begin  forgettin'  soon  enough.  Do  I  make  my 
self  clear  ?  Do  you  follow  me,  suh  ?" 

"I  certainly  do,  Major,  but  it  looks  as  if  I 
might  not  be  able  to  keep  up,"  I  laughed.  "I 
not  only  have  n't  learned  anything  useful,  but 
I  have  n't,  like  you,  reached  the  point  of  for 
getting  anything  useless." 

"You  will,  though,  Jack,"  the  Major  returned. 
"You  have  already.  You  've  been  caught  young, 
and  you  're  forgettin'  a  heap  and  learnin'  a  heap. 
I  reckon  a  trip  or  two  with  me  won't  hurt  you, 
and  then,  sooner  or  later,  you  're  bound  to  turn 
up  the  big  idea." 

Something  in  the  Major's  manner  gave  me 
courage  to  voice  the  insistent  doubt  that  had 
been  worrying  me  ever  since  I  had  agreed  to  go 
with  him  to  the  East  Shore.  "Since  we  are  on 
the  subject,  Major,"  I  asked,  "tell  me  how  is 
our  game  —  this  Lah  Grippah  business  —  any 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    205 

better  or  different  from  any  other  skin  game, 
except  that  the  amount  of  money  we  take  from 
each  customer  is  small  ?  I  'd  know  from  what 
you  Ve  just  said,  even  if  I  had  n't  known  it  before, 
that  you  would  n't  do  anything  which  you  did  n't 
believe  was  square.  I  don't  like  to  think  that  I 
would,  and  yet,  when  I  hunt  for  right  angles, 
our  business  seems  to  be,  if  not  exactly  crooked, 
at  least  a  little  out  of  drawing." 

"You  are  mistaken,  Jack,"  the  Major  replied 
earnestly.  "We  're  simply  humourin'  people  who 
have  made  a  practice  of  poisonin'  their  systems 
with  the  most  malignant  drugs  in  materia  medica 
every  time  they  go  ker-chew  or  have  to  wipe  their 
noses  a  little  oftener  than  usual,  into  takin'  a 
harmless  substitute  and  givin'  Natchah  a  chance 
to  do  her  healin*  and  beneficent  work.  The 
fifty  cents  a  bottle  that  we  charge  is  really  a  fee 
fo*  this — er  —  almost  philanthropic  service.  Our 
ma'gin  of  profit  is  large,  I  admit,  but  that  is  the 
—  er  —  approved  practice  in  all  modern  business, 
and  distasteful  as  it  may  be  to  us  personally,  suh, 
we  must  adjust  ourselves  to  the  spirit  of  the  times 
or  be  content  to  clerk  fo'  the  System  at  a  pitiful  and 
soul-destroyin*  wage.  But  we  have  the  satisfaction 
of  knowin'  that  in  our  business  the  means  justify 
the  profits,  while  with  the  hell-houn's  of  the  System, 
suh,  it 's  the  profits  that  justify  the  blank  means." 


206    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

I  gave  it  up,  and  tried  to  believe  that  the  Major's 
arguments  had  convinced  me,  for  I  had  to  go 
along  or  starve,  and  even  with  its  lining  of  crab- 
meat  Dewey,  or  perhaps  because  of  it,  my  stomach 
refused  to  subscribe  to  any  programme  that 
included  starvation.  So,  our  luncheon  being 
finished,  we  paid  Emile,  and  fared  forth  to  seek 
the  hospitable  East  Shore. 

We  stopped  off  at  Baltimore,  as  it  was  the 
nearest  large  city  to  our  destination,  to  order 
bottles  and  labels.  When  we  found  that  it 
would  be  three  or  four  days  before  the  printer 
could  let  us  have  the  latter,  the  Major  suggested 
that  we  push  right  on  to  our  first  town  and  let 
the  supplies  follow  us,  as  he  had  heard  of  a  cosey 
little  hotel  where  our  living  would  be  cheaper. 

The  hotel  was  all  that  the  Major  had  promised. 
It  was  kept  by  one  of  those  she-has-seen-better- 
days  women,  in  a  bully  old  Colonial  mansion. 
The  Major  had  insisted  on  our  wearing  frock 
coats  when  we  left  Baltimore,  saying  that  we  must 
now  begin  to  dress  up  to  our  profession,  and  I  was 
horrified  on  glancing  over  his  shoulder,  as  he  regis 
tered,  to  see  that  he  had  inscribed  on  the  virgin  page : 

OLD  DOCTOR  JACKSON 
YOUNG  DOCTOR  SPURLOCK 
Sole  proprietors  of  the  Sterling,  Time-Tried  Remedy, 

Lah  Grippah,   and    of  Teddy    Bear   Grease,  the   Tonic 

that  Grows,  Glosses  and  Glorifies  the  Hair. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    207 

"That,  Jack,'*  he  said  to  me  in  an  aside,  "is 
the  first  gun.  It 's  free  advertisin'  and  good 
advertisin'.  Every  yap  in  town  will  have  a 
squint  at  that  register  befo'  night,  and  be  tellin' 
his  friends  about  us." 

We  had  a  Southern  dinner,  cooked  by  an  old 
mammy  who  must  have  fetched  her  weight  in 
gold  during  the  old  slave  days  and  was  still  worth 
it.  First  there  was  a  chicken  gumbo  soup,  and 
then  cold  boiled  Virginia  ham,  and  hot  fried 
chicken,  with  corn  pudding,  baked  sweet  potatoes 
and  beaten  biscuits.  We  seemed  to  be  the  only 
guests,  and  the  Major,  seated  on  the  right  of  our 
innkeeper,  was  soon  in  high  favour,  for  he  praised 
everything  in  the  good  old  Southern  fashion,  a 
succession  of  "Amazin's"!  and  "  Wonderfuls  " ! 
bursting  from  his  lips  with  each  fresh  proof  of 
the  cook  's  competence.  And,  someway,  in  this 
old  white-wainscoted  room,  with  its  mellow 
mahogany  furniture  and  its  atmosphere  of  a  past 
generation,  his  exaggerated  gallantry  and  his 
high-flown  compliments  did  not  seem  out  of 
place.  A  faint  colour  came  into  the  faded  cheeks 
of  our  hostess  —  perhaps  a  reflection  of  that  in 
mine,  for  I  blushed  like  a  boy  whenever  she 
addressed  me  as  Doctor  Spurlock  —  and  from 
deprecation  of  the  Major's  compliments  she  began 
gradually  to  progress  to  neighbourhood  gossip. 


ao8    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"What  a  perfect  con  man  the  Major  would  make!" 
I  thought,  as  I  listened  to  her  talk  of  the  village 
grow  more  and  more  personal  under  his  skilful 
questioning. 

"And  do  you  know,  doctor,"  she  ran  on,  "that 
a  real  English  nobleman,  Lo'd  Frothingham, 
is  stopping  with  us  right  here  in  this  hotel  ?" 

The  Major  raised  his  eyebrows  slightly.  "And 
what,  madam,  might  his  lo'dship  be  doin'  in  these 
parts  ?"  he  inquired. 

"  It 's  such  a  romantic  story,  doctor,"  she 
gushed.  "He  came  over  with  the  idea  of  buying 
a  lot  of  land  fo'  a  shooting  preserve  somewhere 
about  here,  and,  quite  by  chance,  he  met  Miss 
Roby  and  fell  dead  in  love  with  her.  That  was 
only  three  weeks  ago,  and  the  wedding 's  set  for 
next  Tuesday." 

"Quick  work  fo'  an  Englishman,"  was  the 
Major's  comment.  "And  the  lady's  parents  — 
I  presume  they  are  agreeable  ?" 

"Oh,  she  has  n't  any,  only  two  cousins,  but 
they  're  disposed  to  be  disagreeable.  Want  her 
to  wait  until  the  papers  Lo'd  Frothingham  has 
sent  fo',  and  his  family  jewels  and  the  coronet 
get  here.  But  Miss  Roby  's  dead  set  —  she  's 
over  fo'ty  and  her  own  mistress  —  and  she  says 
that  she  's  going  to  prove  her  faith  in  her  lover 
to  all  the  world." 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL    209 

"Then,  madam,  her  confidence  in  him  is  n't 
shared  by  er  —  all  the  world  ?" 

"No,  indeed,  doctor.  Some  folks  reckon  he 
is  n't  any  lo'd  at  all,  and  that  he  's  just  after  Miss 
Roby  fo'  her  money,  because  he  ain't  a  day  over 
thirty  and  she  's  a  good  many  days  over  fo'ty, 
though  I  will  say  that  she  don't  look  her  years." 

"Quite  a  disparity,  madam;  but  true  love  is 
not  only  blind,  but  too  gallant  to  ask  a  lady's 
age,"  and  the  Major  gazed  admiringly  at  our 
hostess.  "And  Miss  Roby  is,  you  say,  a  lady 
of —  er  —  prope'ty  ?" 

"She  owns  one  of  the  finest  plantations  on  the 
East  Sho',  and  she  has  money  in  the  bank.  But 
I  've  seen  enough  to  be  sure  that  it 's  a  real  love 
match.  Lo'd  Frothingham  is  out  there  to  dinner 
now,  but  when  he  gets  back,  I  '11  introduce  him 
to  you,  and  then  you  can  tell  me  what  you  think." 

The  Major  promised,  and,  as  we  strolled  out 
into  the  wide  central  hall  which  served  as  an 
office,  he  added  to  me: 

"It  looks  as  if  we  might  find  our  visit  here 
dashed  amusin',  Jack." 

Along  toward  six  o'clock  we  were  sitting 
with  our  chairs  tipped  back  against  one  of  the 
columns  of  the  portico,  pretending  to  read 
our  papers,  but  really  listening  to  the  languid 
gossip  of  the  simple  village  fathers  and  their 


aio    JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

simpler  sons,  a  dozen  of  whom  were  loafing  near 
us,  when  we  became  conscious  of  a  new  focus 
of  their  curiosity.  And  following  their  frank 
stares  to  their  object,  I  saw  a  figure  approaching 
that  I  knew  must  be  Lord  Frothingham. 

It  needed  but  one  glance  at  his  common,  under 
bred  face,  handsome  though  it  was  in  a  cheap 
way,  to  tell  me  that  his  lordship  was  an  impostor. 
And  his  first  words  of  greeting  to  the  men  on  the 
porch,  spoken  with  a  variety-stage  English  accent, 
made  certainty  a  cinch. 

As  I  listened  to  this  fellow  I  was  seized  with 
a  wicked  inspiration,  and  when  I  confided  it 
to  the  Major,  the  old  boy's  eyes  twinkled. 
"Go  ahead,  Jack,"  he  chuckled.  "It'll  be 
dashed  amusin*  to  watch  the  blackguard  squi'm." 

I  needed  no  urging.  Slowly  I  lounged  over 
to  Lord  Frothingham  and  slapped  him  heartily 
on  the  back. 

"Hello  Frothy,  old  boy!"  I  exclaimed  jovially. 
"What  the  deuce  you  doing  here  ?" 

Frothy  old  boy  went  white.  "  Beg  pardon," 
he  stammered,  "but  you  have  the  advantage  of 
me,  really." 

"Oh,  come  old  chap,"  I  protested.  "You 
must  remember  me.  Met  you  at  the  Duke's 
last  year.  I  'm  Spurlock  —  Young  Doctor  Spur- 
lock.  Called  in  to  help  his  grace  through  that 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     211 

nasty  spell  of  influenza.  Dev'lish  near  thing 
for  the  old  boy,  was  n't  it  ?" 

"Aw,  yes,  I  do  remember,"  his  lordship  an 
swered  uneasily,  and  he  grasped  my  extended 
hand  with  visible  reluctance,  though  he  was 
afraid,  in  the  presence  of  the  gaping  men  beside 
us,  to  ask  any  questions. 

"Oh,  I  thought  you  would,"  I  gurgled  pleas 
antly.  "And  here  's  another  old  friend  of  ours," 
I  added,  as  the  Major  detached  himself  from  a 
pillar  and  came  toward  us,  with  hands  outstretched 
and  joyful  recognition  beaming  like  a  benediction 
from  his  face.  "My  chief,  Old  Doctor  Jackson, 
you  remember,  the  celebrated  influenza  specialist 
and  discoverer  of  the  sovereign  remedy,  Lah 
Grippah." 

"This  is  indeed  a  pleasure,  yo*  lo'dship," 
exclaimed  the  Major.  "I  had  not  thought  to 
meet  you  so  far  from  yo'  ancestral  halls." 

"Aw,  yes,  delighted,"  his  lordship  returned 
miserably.  "But  if  you  gentlemen  will  excuse 
me  I  '11  run  up  and  get  ready  for  supper;  been 
on  the  go  all  day,  you  know,"  and  he  hurried 
away  to  see,  I  guessed,  if  he  could  figure  out 
just  what  our  little  game  was,  and  what  his  course 
of  action  should  be. 

Instead  of  staying  to  talk  with  the  villagers, 
who,  with  questions  fairly  bursting  from  their 


212    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

lips,  were  already  edging  up  to  us,  we  followed 
his  lordship.  For  the  Major  had  a  fine  apprecia 
tion  of  advertising  values,  and  piqued,  but  never 
satisfied,  curiosity.  Once  inside,  I  turned  to 
him  and  said:  "Well,  Major,  we're  going  to 
spoil  one  scoundrel  and  his  little  game.  The 
only  question  is,  how  and  when  to  do  it?" 

"  Better  play  him  along  fo'  a  day  or  two,  Jack," 
the  Major  replied  thoughtfully.  "  I  reckon  he  's 
goin*  to  stimulate  the  medicine  business  right 
smart  fo'  us.  Now  why  don't  that  dashed  printer 
hurry  with  those  blank  labels  ?" 

His  lordship  appeared  at  the  supper-table, 
not,  I  fancy,  because  he  wanted  any  supper, 
but  because  he  was  afraid  to  stay  away.  Miss 
Lynn,  the  innkeeper,  excited  and  exclamatory 
over  the  Major's  news  that  Frothy  was  an  old 
friend  of  ours,  deluged  him  with  questions,  to 
which  he  returned  short  and  evasive  answers. 
In  fact,  he  showed  such  total  lack  of  imagination 
that  the  Major,  who  had  been  listening  with 
the  keenest  enjoyment,  felt  constrained  both  to 
liven  up  the  conversation  and  to  teach  him  how 
to  treat  his  old  friends.  For  Frothy 's  manner 
toward  us  was  characterised  by  what  he  fondly 
believed  to  be  the  hauteur  and  coldness  of  a 
Vere  de  Vere,  though  in  his  proper  person  and 
on  his  familiar  Rialto  he  would  probably  have 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    213 

called  it  "giving  us  the  frosty  mitt."  So  when 
Miss  Lynn  inquired  breathlessly,  "And  who  was 
at  this  house-pa'ty,  yo'  lo'dship  ?"  before  the 
unhappy  Frothy  could  reolv,  the  Major  cut  in 
with: 

"Speakin*  of  the  house-pa'ty,  yo'  Lo'd  Percy, 
how  goes  that  little  affair  of  yo's  with  the  Lady 
Victoria  Maud  ?  A  charmin'  girl,  suh,  a  woman 
whose  trust  and  affection  any  man  might  well 
be  proud  of  winnin'." 

It  was  a  frightful  situation  for  Frothy.  On 
either  side  sat  a  smiling,  but  merciless,  icono 
clast  from  Missouri;  in  the  foreground  a  pop- 
eyed,  large-eared,  loose-mouthed  lady;  in  the 
middle  distance,  a  trusting,  but  not-to-be-trifled- 
with,  middle-aged  maiden;  and  in  the  background, 
two  determined  cousins  with  shotguns,  and  a  full 
chorus  of  village  youth  with  rails,  tar-buckets, 
feather  pillows,  and  other  necessary  props.  No 
wonder  Frothy  forgot  his  lines,  and  stammered 
in  the  purest  Broadway  American: 

"Wh  —  wh  —  at  Lady  Maud?  Wh  —  at  d' 
you  mean?" 

"You  should  n't  have  mentioned  that,  Doctor," 
I  spoke  up  reprovingly.  "You  know  the  Duke 
said  it  was  a  dead  secret,  and  that  it  was  n't  to 
be  announced  till  just  before  the  marriage,  as 
his  lordship  did  n't  like  long  engagements." 


2i4    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"I  beg  yo*  pa'don,  my  deah  fellow!"  the  Major 
exclaimed,  turning  a  distressed  face  toward 
Frothy.  "  It  was  very  thoughtless  of  me  — 
but  here  among  yo'  friends  —  a  —  er  —  sacred 
confidence  —  I  am  sure  that  no  harm  has  been 
done.  Unless  —  yes  —  I  see  from  yo'  manner 
that  I  have  blundered  —  fo'give  me,  I  beg,  fo* 
openin*  an  old  wound." 

Nothing  could  have  been  more  tender  and 
sympathetic  than  the  look  that  the  Major  gave 
Frothy;  and  nothing  more  ferocious  in  its  power 
less  rage  than  the  one  that  Frothy  returned. 
But  he  was  quick  to  take  the  avenue  of  escape 
which  opened  up  for  him. 

"That  affair  was  broken  off  long  ago,"  he 
explained.  "  I  was  never  really  in  love  with  her; 
it  was  simply  a  flirtation,  nothing  more."  Then 
he  blocked  further  comment  by  excusing  himself, 
and  managed  to  retire  in  fairly  good  order.  But 
he  had  acknowledged  us  and  the  Lady  Victoria 
Maud,  and  we  had  scored  the  first  points  in  our 
game. 

"Very  distressing  very  distressing "  the  Major 
exclaimed  as  soon  as  Frothy  was  out  of  hearing. 
"He  has  taken  the  affair  to  heart,  I  fear.  But 
there  —  I  'd  clean  fo'gotten  —  yo'  charmin'  friend, 
madam,  has,  no  doubt,  healed  the  old  wounds  of 
the  little  god,  while  inflictin'  fresh  ones.  Of 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL    215 

cou'se,  you  must  n't  mention  this  affair.  It 
could  do  no  good,  and  it  might " 

We  all  assented,  but  there  was  an  absent, 
glazed  look  in  Miss  Lynn's  eyes  which  told  us 
that  she  was  already  conning  over  a  list  of  her 
friends  and  trying  to  decide  which  one  was  most 
worthy  to  hear  the  great  news  first.  So  she, 
too,  soon  excused  herself,  exclaiming:  "How 
romantic!  I  knew  all  along  that  he  was  a  real 
lo'd;  and  a  love  affair,  too,  with  the  Lady  Victoria 
Maud!  What  did  you  say  her  last  name  was?" 

"Her  last  name,  madam?  Her  last  name?" 
the  Major  repeated  slowly,  and  I  could  see  that 
this  unexpected  thirst  for  detail  had  caught  him 
unprepared.  "Her  full  name  is  the  Lady  Victoria 
Maud  —  er  —  er  —  Alexandria  Beatrice  Bromley, 
beloved  and  only  daughter  of  Lo'd  Fastnet." 

I  started  toward  the  portico  for  an  after-supper 
smoke,  but  the  Major's  touch  restrained  me. 
"Go  up  to  my  room,  Jack,"  he  whispered.  "His 
lo'dship  should  join  us  there  in  about  ten 
minutes." 

Frothy  rapped  on  the  door  in  five,  and,  answer 
ing  the  Major's  "Come  in,"  strode  defiantly 
into  the  room  —  a  little  too  defiantly  for  a  man 
who  was  n't  afraid.  The  Major  stood  up  to 
receive  him,  but  he  did  not  offer  him  a  chair. 

"  I  want  to  know  what  you  fellows  are  up  to," 


216    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

Frothy  blurted  out,  as  soon  as  he  had  closed  the 
door  behind  him. 

"Up  to,  yo'  lo'dship  ?"  the  Major  repeated. 
"Explain  yo'self,  I  beg."  There  was  the  growl 
of  distant  thunder  in  his  tone. 

"Oh,  you  know  what  I  mean,"  was  the  im 
patient  answer.  There  was  no  pretence  of  an 
English  accent  now. 

"No,  suh,  I  do  not  know  what  you  mean," 
the  Major  replied  with  much  impressiveness. 
"But  I  do  know,  suh,  that  yo'  manner  is  most 
offensive  to  me."  He  paused  a  moment  and 
then  continued,  as  if  with  sudden  understanding: 
"Unless,  suh,  you  feel  that  anything  in  my  remarks 
about  the  Lady  Victoria  Maud  reflects  on  yo' 
honah,  and  you  wish  to  demand  satisfaction. 
In  that  event,  I  would  point  out  to  yo'  lo'dship 
that  custom  prescribes  that  yo'  friend,  rather 
than  yo'  lo'dship  in  person,  should  wait  on  me." 

Frothy  gave  ground  visibly  before  the  Major's 
fierce  eye. 

"No  offence,  Doctor,  no  offence,"  he  began 
with  an  attempt  at  familiarity.  "But  why  do 
you  pretend  to  recognise  me  —  that 's  what  I 
want  to  know  ?" 

"  Pretend  ?  Pretend,  suh  ?"  echoed  the  Major, 
working  himself  up  into  a  rage.  "How  dare 
you,  suh  ?  Do  you  mean  to  doubt  my  word, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    217 

to  insinuate  that  I  was  not  in  attendance  on  his 
Grace,  or  —  am  I  to  understand  that  you  are 
not  Lo'd  Percy  Frothingham,  of  Chudleigh 
Towers,  Sussex  ?" 

Frothy  gave  a  sickly  grin  as  he  grasped  the 
significance  of  the  question.  "Of  course  I  'm 
Lord  Frothingham,"  he  admitted  weakly. 

"And  —  take  a  good,  careful  look,  yo'  lo'dship, 
to  refresh  yo'  treacherous  memory  —  you  re 
member  Doctor  Spurlock  and  myself,  and  that 

—  er  —  unfo'tunate    little    affair   with   the   Lady 
Victoria  Maud  ?" 

"Certainly,  Doctor,"  the  now  thoroughly  tamed 
Frothy  replied. 

"  Then,  yo'  lo'dship,  all  misunderstandin's  havin' 
been  cleared  away,  we  need  detain  you  no  longer." 

His  lordship  hesitated,  thought  better  of  it, 
voiced  a  weak  "Good  night,"  and  got  as  far 
as  the  door  on  his  way  out,  when  a  call  from 
the  Major  halted  him: 

"And  oh!  Lo'd  Percy  —  I'd  almost  fo'gotten 

—  you  remember  that  last  night  at  the  Duke's, 
when  we  played  bridge  ?" 

"Ye  —  e  —  s,"  reluctantly. 

"And  you  remember  that  I  O  U  for  a  thousand 
guineas  you  gave  me  ?" 

"Ye  —  e  —  s,"  with  an  awful  effort  of  memory 
and  in  a  choking  voice. 


218    JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

"Well,  yo'  lo'dship,  I  'm  a  little  sho't,  and  I 
could  use  that  money." 

Stony  silence  while  his  lordship  swallowed 
something.  I  was  a  little  surprised  myself  at 
the  Major's  remembering  the  I  O  U,  for  I  knew 
that  he  would  n't  touch  a  cent  of  Frothy's  dirty 
money,  even  if  the  fellow  could  raise  any,  and  I 
could  n't  see  just  how  this  particular  play  fitted 
into  our  game.  But  I  was  n't  to  remain  long  in 
doubt.  Rage  and  relief  were  now  apparent  in 
Frothy's  face  —  rage  at  our  rapacity;  relief  that 
he  was  n't  to  be  exposed,  but  only  to  be  held 
up  for  a  share. 

"Why,  the  fact  is,  Doctor,"  was  the  answer, 
"I  'm  a  little  short  myself  just  now,  but  I  'm 
expecting  money  by  any  mail,  and  then  I  '11  cash 
up."  He  was  a  little  bolder  now  that  he  thought 
we  were  fellow-rascals,  but  he  was  still  feeling 
his  way  cautiously. 

"Very  good,  suh,"  the  Major  returned;  "but, 
of  cou'se,  you  will  not  think  of  marryin*  Miss 
Roby  until  after  you  receive  yo'  remittances  and 
credentials  from  England.  While  I  know  that  a 
man  of  yo'  lo'dship's  pride  and  position  would 
not  ordinarily  think  of  doin'  such  a  thing,  some 
times,  under  the  impatience  engendered  by  an 
overmasterin'  passion  fo'  a  charmin'  woman, 
the  most  honourable  man  will  do  things  which  he 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    219 

would  not  contemplate  in  his  less  —  er  —  im 
petuous  moments.  But,  on  reflection,  suh,  you 
will  see  that  no  matter  how  much  yo'  affianced 
may  desire  to  prove  her  affection  by  marryin* 
you  in  spite  of  doubters,  yo'  pride  will  not  permit 
you  to  proceed  in  this  matter  until  you  are  in 
a  position  to  prove  that  yo'  traducers  are  liars." 

"Oh,  come  now,  Doctor,"  Frothy  protested 
with  a  leer  of  understanding.  "You  know  that 
until  after  the  wed 

"Not  another  word,  suh!"  the  Major  roared. 
"Yo'  lo'dship  is  fo'gettin'  himself.  You  fo'get 
the  honah,  the  traditions  of  yo'  noble  house. 
There  will  be  no  weddin',  suh,  not  a  single, 
solitary  weddin'  bell  fo'  you,  suh,  until  after 
you  get  that  money  from  home  and  yo'  creden 
tials.  And  as  yo'  affianced  is  an  o'phan,  I  shall 
do  myself  the  honah,  suh,  to  act  in  a  father's 
place,  should  any  houn'  behave  toward  her  in  a 
manner  which  seems  to  call  fo'  the  chastisin* 
hand  of  a  male  relative.  Good  night,  suh!  No, 
suh!  Not  another  word,"  and  the  Major  backed 
Frothy  out  of  the  room  and  shut  the  door  in 
his  face. 

"What 's  your  idea  in  stringing  Lord  Percy 
along  ?"  I  asked,  as  soon  as  we  were  alone  again. 
"Why  not  expose  the  scoundrel  and  be  done 
with  it  ?" 


220    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

"  Because,  Jack,  I  want  to  fo'ce  the  blackguard 
to  light  out  of  his  own  acco'd.  If  we  expose  him 
we  put  that  po'  woman  he  's  been  foolin'  in  a 
fix  where  she  can  never  hold  up  her  head  again, 
but  there 's  a  certain  mou'nful  distinction  in 
being  jilted  by  a  lo'd  who  's  had  an  affair  with 
the  Lady  Victoria  Maud.  Besides,"  the  Major 
added  thoughtfully,  "  if  we  prove  that  there  's 
no  Lo'd  Frothingham,  what  becomes  of  the 
advertisin'  we  're  goin'  to  get  from  havin*  seen 
his  Grace  through  that  little  spell  of  influenza  ?" 

I  saw  the  point  and  refrained  from  further 
questioning. 

Next  morning  Frothy  was  not  at  the  table, 
and  we  learned  that  he  had  breakfasted  early 
and  gone  somewhere  to  kill  time,  until  the  boat 
left  for  the  little  settlement,  five  miles  down  the 
bay,  where  Miss  Roby  lived.  There  was  no 
hotel  there,  only  a  dozen  houses,  and,  it  seemed, 
he  had  been  in  the  habit  of  taking  a  late  morning 
boat,  dining  and  spending  the  afternoon  with 
Miss  Roby,  and  coming  home  for  supper  on  the 
up-boat.  Miss  Lynn  was  also  missing  from  the 
breakfast  table,  but  the  Major  did'n't  ask  after 
her.  "  I  know  where  she  is,  Jack,"  he  volunteered. 
"I  saw  her  drive  off  while  I  was  shavin' —  I 
reckon  she  could  n't  hold  in  fo'  the  boat.  She  's 
gone  to  tell  Miss  Roby  about  that  little  affair 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     221 

with  the  Lady  Victoria  Maud.  She  told  the 
neighbours  last  night." 

It  was  one  of  those  soft,  lazy  days  in  early 
fall  which  are  made  to  be  wasted,  so  we  loafed 
on  the  veranda,  smoking  and  talking  in  a  desul 
tory  fashion,  until  a  carriage  drove  up  and  Miss 
Lynn  jumped  out  of  it. 

"Oh,  Doctor!"  she  called  as  soon  as  she  caught 
sight  of  the  Major.  "  Miss  Roby  wants  to  know 
if  you  won't  see  her  directly.  She  's  caught  a 
dreadful  cold,  and  her  wedding  only  two  days 
off,  and  I  told  her  you  could  cure  her." 

"I  most  assuredly  can,  madam,  and  I  will," 
the  Major  responded  with  alacrity.  "While 
I  'm  not  —  er  —  regularly  practisin'  on  this  trip, 
it  bein'  in  the  natchah  of  a  little  outin'  --  though 
I  shall  incidentally  take  occasion  to  make  yo* 
sufferers  from  influenza  acquainted  with  the 
virtues  of  Lah  Grippah  —  I  cannot  refuse  to 
answer  the  call  of  —  er  —  beauty  in  distress." 

"Thank  you,  Doctor,  and  it  '11  be  a  mighty 
big  favour  to  Miss  Roby,  fo'  she  's  worryin' 
herself  sick  over  bein'  married  with  a  red  nose. 
And  she  wants  you  to  take  Lo'd  Frothingham 
over  in  the  carnage  with  you." 

"It's  too  bad,  madam,"  the  Major  returned 
regretfully,  "  but  Lo'd  Percy  has  started  off  on  a 
long  tramp,  and  left  word  that  he  would  go 


222    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

directly  to  the  boat-landin',"  and,  with  a  bow  to 
Miss  Lynn  and  a  wink  to  me,  the  old  rascal 
skipped  into  the  carriage  and  was  driven  off 
down  the  white  shell  road. 

The  Major  did  not  return  until  after  two  o'clock, 
and  with  him  in  the  carriage,  looking  rather 
sulky,  was  Frothy. 

"I  brought  his  lo'dship  back  with  me,"  the 
Major  explained,  as  he  jumped  nimbly  to  the 
ground,  "because,  as  Miss  Roby's  physician 
I  feel  it  my  duty  to  see  that  she  is  kept 
absolutely  quiet  until  the  present  distressin* 
symptoms  are  relieved." 

I  could  see  that  the  Major  was  bursting  with 
information,  and,  as  I  was  bursting  with  curiosity, 
we  were  not  long  in  getting  together  in  his  room. 

"Well,  what 's  she  like?"  I  demanded,  as  soon 
as  we  were  alone. 

"An  angel,  suh,"  was  the  emphatic  response. 
"An  angel,  suh,  with  a  dashed  fine  plantation 
and  twenty  niggers.  She  's  a  gentlewoman,  suh, 
of  blood  and  breedin',  and  true  to  the  noblest 
traditions  of  the  South.  I  never  ate  a  better 
dinner  in  my  life.  Why,  suh,  that  suckin'  pig, 
with  baked  sweet  potatoes,  made  me  feel  that 
I  was  takin'  a  holy  pilgrimage  back  to  the  —  er  — 
hallowed  scenes  of  my  boyhood.  I  have  con 
ceived  a  profound,  an  endurin'  admiration  fo* 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     223 

the  lady,  and  it  will  be  a  pleasure,  as  well  as  a 
duty,  now  that  I  have  seen  her,  to  save  her  from 
this  blank  scoundrel.  No  wonder  his  wooin' 
has  been  ardent!  That  plantation  would  be  a 
dashed  comfo'table  place  to  live,  Jack.  Just 
the  spot  fo'  a  gentleman  to  spend  his  declinin* 
years  in  dignified  retirement.  Otlum  cum  digni- 
tate.  Mighty  well-trained  niggers,  too,  suh  — 
quite  like  the  old  kind.  Had  to  kick  one  out 
of  my  way,  and,  instead  of  lookin'  annoyed,  as 
one  of  these  new  niggers  would,  he  just  picked 
himself  up  and  said,  'Thank  you,  suh." 

It  took  me  a  moment  to  sort  out  the  Major's 
praises  for  Miss  Roby  from  his  paeans  over  the 
sucking  pig  and  the  Negroes.  But  this  done  and 
the  facts  about  her  digested,  I  asked: 

"  But,  if  she  's  all  this,  how  in  the  name  of 
common  sense  has  a  cheap  skate  like  Frothy 
managed  to  impose  on  her  ?" 

"Simply  because  she  's  all  that  and  mo',  suh," 
the  Major  returned.  "She  's  a  dashed  fine, 
simple  woman,  who  's  lived  in  a  simple,  honest 
way  all  her  life  and  read  so  many  novels  by  the 
Duchess  that  she  really  believes  that  lo'ds  go 
around  matin'  like  robins,  and  fo'  first  choice 
pick  a  dairymaid  or  a  general-housework  girl 
to  preside  over  their  ancestral  halls.  This  dashed 
bounder  of  a  barnsto'mer,  with  his  pinky  cheeks 


224    JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

and  his  curly  moustache  and  his  sickenin'  way 
of  lookin*  at  her  with  his  head  cocked  to  one 
side,  like  a  coon  dog  squintin'  up  a  tree  at  a 
possum,  has  her  plum  hypnotised,  suh." 

"And  how  did  it  happen  that  he  came  back 
with  you  ?" 

"Why,  suh,  do  you  know  that  that  scoundrel 
had  the  effrontery  to  say  that  he  was  goin'  to  stay 
and  spend  the  afternoon  with  her  ?  I  came 
mighty  near  exposin'  him  on  the  spot,  but,  in 
stead,  I  felt  Miss  Roby's  pulse  and  discovered 
some  new  and  alarmin'  symptoms.  So  I  told 
her  to  go  to  bed  directly,  and  not  to  think  of 
stirrin'  until  mornin'." 

"When  you  will  call  again  to  see  how  she  's 
getting  on/' 

"Exactly,  suh." 

"And  in  the  meantime,  how  about  finishing 
up  with  Frothy  ?" 

"We  '11  let  that  go  over  till  to-morrow,  Jack. 
Then  I  '11  have  decided  how  the  thing  can  be 
done  quietly  and  with  the  greatest  consideration 
fo*  the  lady's  feelin's." 

Right  after  breakfast  next  morning,  the  Major 
drove  over  to  Miss  Roby's  plantation,  and,  despite 
his  stern  caution  that  his  patient  would  hardly 
be  well  enough  to  see  visitors  that  day,  Frothy 
followed  on  the  boat.  Again  they  returned 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     225 

together,  for,  as  I  learned  later,  Miss  Roby's 
alarming  symptoms  had  developed  afresh  with 
the  appearance  of  Frothy,  and,  despite  her 
protests  that  she  felt  perfectly  well,  the  Major 
had  bundled  her  off  to  bed  for  the  rest  of  the  day, 
assuring  her  that  this  deceptive  feeling  of  health 
was  one  of  the  gravest  symptoms  of  her  malady. 

Frothy  jumped  out  of  the  carriage  and  started 
to  make  off  down  the  street  —  since  our  first 
talk  he  had  carefully  kept  away  from  us  as  much 
as  possible  —  but  the  Major,  who  was  right  on 
his  heels,  laid  a  restraining  hand  on  his  shoulder. 

"One  moment,  yo'  lo'dship,"  he  said  pleasantly. 
"If  you  have  no  objection,  Doctor  Spurlock  and 
I  will  accompany  you  on  yo'  little  constitutional." 

Frothy  looked  far  from  cordial,  but  we  went 
anyway,  and,  furthermore,  we  directed  his  foot 
steps  to  a  secluded  spot  by  the  water.  There  the 
Major  opened  up  on  the  unhappy  barnstormer. 

"Yo'  lo'dship,"  he  began  gravely,  "I  was 
greatly  surprised  to  learn  this  mo'nin'  that, 
despite  the  failure  of  yo'  credentials  to  arrive, 
you  are  permittin'  the  arrangements  fo'  yo' 
weddin'  to-morrow  to  proceed.  Permit  me  to 
info'm  you,  suh,  that  on  reflection  and  actin* 
in  loco  parentis,  so  to  speak,  I  have  decided  that 
yo'  marriage  to  Miss  Roby  will  not  take  place 
to-morrow  or  on  any  other  day,  as  I  do  not  believe 


226    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

that  such  an  alliance  is  calculated  to  make  fo' 
the  lady's  happiness.  Though  fitted  to  ado'n 
any  society,  I  fear  that,  unaccustomed  as  she  is  to 
smokin*  cigarettes  and  soppin'  up  highballs, 
she  might  not  find  yo  's  congenial.  Let  me  sug 
gest  that  one  of  the  same  noble  lineage  as  yo'self, 
the  Lady  Victoria  Maud,  fo'  instance,  would  be 
a  mo*  suitable  match  fo'  you.  But  as  far  as 
Miss  Roby  goes,  you  will  consider  yo'self  on  a 
dead  card.  Even  if  you  can,  I  cannot  consent 
to  such  a  mesalliance,  suh." 

"Oh!  I  '11  take  a  chance  on  the  mesalliance 
part,"  was  the  jaunty  answer.  But  there  was  an 
ugly  look  on  Frothy's  face,  for  he  saw  that  the 
crisis  in  his  affairs  had  come. 

"I  did  not  refer  to  you,  but  to  the  lady,  when 
I  used  the  word  mesalliance"  the  Major  returned 
icily.  "We  will  consider  that  matter  settled, 
suh,  and  now  consult  about  how  yo'  lo'dship 
can  most  considerately  break  this  engagement 
befo*  catchin'  the  afternoon  boat  fo'  Baltimo'." 

"Forget  it,"  Frothy  returned  angrily.  "I  see 
through  your  game  all  right.  You  think  you  '11 
have  a  try  for  the  old  girl  yourself,  do  you,  and 
get  it  all,  instead  of  blackmailing  me  out  of  a 
part  of  it  ?  I  'm  willing  to  talk  business,  but  first 
let 's  drop  all  this  nonsense  about " 

"Yes,  I  '11  drop  it,  you  damned  houn',"  the 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    227 

Major  returned  in  a  tone  that  brought  Frothy 
up  white  and  scared.  "One  mo'  mention  of 
that  lady's  name,  except  in  terms  of  the  highest 
respect;  one  mo'  such  dastardly  insinuation 
about  my  motives,  and  I  '11  shoot  you  down 
like  the  low  Bowery  cur  that  you  are.  You 
will  now  precede  us  to  the  hotel,  there  write  a 
letter  that  I  shall  dictate,  and  leave  the  East 
Sho',  never  to  return." 

The  trip  back  to  the  hotel  was  made  in  silence 
and  good  order.  There,  in  the  Major's  room, 
we  dictated  a  letter  of  explanation  and  parting 
that  reeked  with  flowery  adjectives  descriptive 
of  Miss  Roby,  and  abject  substantives  descriptive 
of  Frothy.  Whenever  the  Major  dug  up  a  phrase 
which  he  thought  particularly  choice  he  would 
exclaim:  "It's  a  burnin'  shame,  Jack,  to  let 
this  dashed  scoundrel  use  such  beautiful  gems 
of  thought!  But  fo'  Miss  Roby's  sake,  we  must 
do  the  thing  up  proper."  And  do  it  up  proper 
we  did,  from  that  opening  sentence  which  the 
Major  dictated:  "Would  God  that  I  had  died 
befo'  I  came  into  yo'  pure,  yo'  beautiful,  yo' 
perfect  life  —  put  unworthy  wretch  that  I  am, 
after  died,"  he  amended  —  down  to  that  final: 
"And  so,  though  I  am  to'n  by  conflictin'  emotions, 
tossed  between  love  and  duty,  I  am  doin'  what 
you  would  tell  me  to  do,  if  I  had  the  courage  to 


228    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

face  you  —  um  —  m  —  stick  cowardly  and  pusil 
lanimous  skunk;  no,  craven  that  I  am,  befo' 
what  —  in  obeyin'  the  stern  mandate  of  my 
father  to  return  and  marry  the  Lady  Victoria 
Maud,  even  though  I  love  her  not." 

That  signed,  sealed  and  dropped  in  the  post- 
office  by  the  Major  himself,  we  told  Frothy  that 
we  would  see  that  his  trunk  was  sent  to  a  Balti 
more  address,  the  Major  remarking  that  he  did  n't 
want  to  call  any  attention  to  Frothy's  departure 
by  letting  him  take  his  baggage  with  him,  and 
we  escorted  his  lordship  down  to  the  boat.  The 
beggar  took  it  all  calmly  enough,  now  he  was 
sure  that  we  meant  business,  and,  as  he  went 
up  the  gangplank,  called  back  to  the  indignant 
Major:  "Ta,  ta,  old  bear's  grease.  Lay  you 
ten  to  one  she  won't  have  you." 

It  was  only  with  the  greatest  difficulty  that  I 
restrained  the  Major  from  following  Frothy  on 
board  and  giving  him  a  caning.  But  I  managed 
to  hold  him  back  with  a,  "What's  the  use?" 
until  after  the  boat  had  cast  off,  when  I  added 
teasingly:  "And  you  can  afford  to  be  generous 
now  that  you  have  a  clear  field  with  the  lady." 

"Don't,  Jack,  I  implo'  you,"  the  Major  re 
turned,  with  genuine  distress  in  his  face.  "I 
confess  with  shame  that  the  blackguard's  strictures 
were  not  entirely  undeserved;  in  sho't,  that  I 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL     229 

was  beginnin'  to  feel  a  mo'  than  fatherly  regard 
fo'  the  lady.  But  that  —  er  —  dream  is  over, 
suh.  I  have  already  banished  all  thoughts  of 
that  plantation  from  my  mind.  Fo'  I  should 
be  no  better  than  that  fellow  if  I  allowed  myself 
to  take  advantage  of  a  situation  which  I  have 
created.  We  must  get  down  to  work,  Jack," 
and  the  Major  regarded  me  with  a  mixture  of 
Christian  resignation  and  business  hope  in  his  face. 

On  our  return  to  the  hotel,  we  found  the  pack 
age  from  the  printer,  so  there  was  really  nothing 
to  stop  our  getting  right  down  to  work  if  we 
wanted  to,  but,  some  way,  we  did  n't  want  to. 
I  heartily  agreed  with  the  Major's  tentative, 
"After  a  quiet  evenin'  and  a  good  night's  sleep, 
suh,  we  shall  rise  like  lions  refreshed  fo'  our 
duties,"  and  we  dropped  the  disagreeable  subject. 

Nevertheless,  we  were  n't  in  a  particularly 
leonine  mood  next  morning;  we  were  waiting 
for  something  to  drop.  But  at  breakfast  Miss 
Lynn  was  still  planning  to  go  to  the  wedding, 
and,  while  she  remarked  on  his  lordship's  absence, 
she  thought  nothing  of  it,  assuming  that  he  had 
gone  over  to  Miss  Roby's  village  the  day  before 
in  order  to  be  handy  for  the  ceremony.  At 
eleven  o'clock  no  messenger  had  ridden  over 
from  Miss  Roby  to  announce  his  lordship's 
defection,  and  we  saw  people  beginning  to  start 


230    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

for  the  wedding.  Miss  Lynn  came  down  starched 
and  rustling  in  her  best  clothes,  and  asked  us 
if  we  should  n't  like  to  drive  over  with  her. 

"I  don't  think  we  'd  better,  Jack,"  the  Major 
said  in  an  aside;  "they  might  want  to  take  it 
out  on  us,  as  his  lo'dship's  next  friends."  But 
I  knew  from  his  tone  he  was  going  to  accept, 
and  in  the  next  breath  he  did. 

Half-way  there,  I  had  an  inspiration.  Like 
bright  things,  inspirations  come  to  me  about 
twenty-four  hours  after  it 's  all  over. 

"How  did  his  lordship  get  over  to  Miss  Roby's 
last  evening?"  I  asked  Miss  Lynn.  "Walk?" 

"No,  he  would  n't  have  done  that,  fo*  it 's 
a  right  smart  piece.  He  'd  have  driven  over  or 
taken  the  evening  boat." 

"The  evenin'  boat!"  the  Major  echoed  in  a 
startled  voice.  "  Is  there,  an  evenin'  boat  down  ?" 

"Of  cou'se,  Doctor." 

"How  long  after  the  up-boat  leaves?" 

"About  an  hour;  a  little  mo'  perhaps." 

"And  does  it  carry  any  mail,  might  I  inquire  ?" 

"Yes;  it  takes  the  down-mail.  Did  you  have 
some  letters  to  go  on  it  ?" 

"Yes,  an  impo'tant  one,  madam,"  the  Major 
replied,  "and  I  trust  that  it  has  not  mis 
carried."  For  the  first  time  we  exchanged  glances, 
the  Major  swapping  a  growing  suspicion  for  a 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    231 

miserable  certainly  which  he  found  in  my  eyes. 
So  that  was  why  Frothy  had  taken  his  departure 
so  calmly! 

"Geo'ge,"  the  Major  called  to  the  driver, 
"push  that  ho'se!"  Then  he  added  in  an  aside 
to  me:  "What  simpletons  we  were  not  to  know 
about  that  boat!  Of  cou'se  the  scoundrel  got 
off  at  the  next  dock,  caught  the  down-boat  which 
was  carryin'  his  letter  and  got  it  unopened  from 
Miss  Roby.  And  he  counts  on  our  not  findin* 
out  till  the  last  minute  and  then  keepin'  quiet 
in  the  hope  of  gettin'  somethin'  out  of  him.  Of 
cou'se  he  '11  have  the  ceremony  just  as  much 
befo*  twelve  as  they  '11  let  him.  Say  it 's  his 
dashed  impatience  to  call  her  his  own,  the  blank 
skunk!" 

There  was  no  pushing  the  horse.  The  most 
resolute  cracking  of  the  whip  over  his  flanks 
failed  to  move  him  from  his  jog.  We  could  only 
fret  silently,  and,  being  without  watches,  we  were 
deprived  of  the  poor  consolation  of  noting  the 
flight  of  time.  But  at  last  we  pulled  up  before 
the  little  crossroads  church  and  hustled  Miss 
Lynn  out  of  the  carriage.  Rigs  were  already 
hitched  to  all  the  racks  and  nearby  trees;  darky 
drivers  were  peering  in  at  the  open  windows, 
but  no  white  folks  were  in  sight.  That  looked 
bad.  At  the  door,  the  monotonous  singsong 


232    JACK  SPURLOCK—  PRODIGAL 

of  the  clergyman's  voice  greeted  our  ears.     The 
ceremony  was  on. 

"Into  this  holy  estate  these  two  persons  present 
come  now  to  be  joined.  If  any  man  can  show 
just  cause  why  they  may  not  be  lawfully  joined 
together,  let  him  now  speak,  or  else  hereafter  for 
ever  hold  his  peace." 

With  the  last  word  the  Major  strode  forward. 
"I  fo'bid  the  banns!"  he  shouted  dramatically. 
The  ceremony  was  off. 

There  was  dead  silence  for  a  moment  —  bride 
fainting  —  Frothy  in  a  funk  —  everybody  pop- 
eyed  —  then  great  disorder,  as  they  say  in  the 
House  of  Commons.  The  Major  raised  his 
hand,  and  curiosity  got  the  better  of  excitement. 
The  noise  stopped,  and  the  people  wiggled  their 
ears  so  as  not  to  miss  a  whisper  of  the  scandal. 

"That  fellow  there,*'  the  Major  exclaimed, 
pointing  at  Frothy,  "is  an  impostor,  a  cheap 
actor.  I  don't  know  what  his  name  is,  but  it 
is  n't  Frothingham;  he  does  n't  come  from  Eng 
land,  but  from  the  Bowery.  This  ceremony 
must  not  proceed.  In  the  name  of  the  —  er  — 
sovereign  state  of  Maryland,  I  fo'bid  the  banns." 
It  was  simply  great  to  hear  him  roll  it  out. 

Then  Frothy,  braced  by  his  extremity,  played 
his  big  card. 

"That 's  a  lie,"  he  shouted.    "That  old  faker  's 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL    233 

been  scheming  to  marry  Miss  Roby  and  get  her 
money  ever  since  he  met  her.  He  knows  perfectly 
well  that  I  'm  Lord  Forthingham,  and  before 
he  decided  to  try  on  this  dodge,  he  recognised 
me  in  the  presence  of  witnesses  who  are  here  now." 

"That  's  so/'  a  dozen  voices  from  the  pews 
chorused,  and  then  the  rough-house  began  afresh. 
Someway,  I  seem  to  be  a  natural  focus  of  trouble, 
for  in  a  moment  the  Major  and  I  found  ourselves 
the  centre  of  a  yelling,  questioning  and  threat 
ening  crowd.  But  in  spite  of  all  our  arguments 
and  our  pleading  for  a  postponement  until  a 
thorough  investigation  could  be  made,  the  drift 
was  against  us.  The  crowd  was  there  for  wedding 
and  a  big  dinner  afterward,  and  the  counsels 
of  reason  went  down  before  the  promptings  of 
appetite.  We  were  finally  hustled  outside,  where 
our  treatment  was  none  too  gentle.  "And  just 
as  soon  as  we  get  the  young  folks  tied,  we  '11 
attend  to  yo*  case,"  the  leader  said  significantly, 
as  he  administered  a  lingering  farewell  cuff  to 
me.  He  really  seemed  to  hate  to  part  with  me. 
"You  've  got  ten  minutes  start.  See  how  far 
you  can  get  in  it." 

"That  means  business  on  the  East  Sho',  Jack," 
the  ruffled  Major  panted,  as  we  started  off  on  a 
walk  which  was  so  fast  that  an  unsympathetic 
observer  might  have  called  it  a  run.  "This  is 


234    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

one  of  the  most  damnable  outrages  that  has  ever 
been  perpetrated  in  Maryland,  but  there  '11  be  a 
worse  one  soon  if  we  don't  hurry  —  and  a  coat  of 
tar  and  feathers  ain't  a  soothin*  poultice  fo* 
injured  feelin's." 

We  made  for  the  bay  as  our  best  chance,  and, 
by  great  good  luck,  found  a  Negro  fisherman 
near  the  dock,  bailing  out  his  sloop.  After  a 
hasty  dicker  with  him,  we  stood  off  and  up  shore 
in  the  sloop,  to  pick  up  the  Baltimore  boat.  It 
did  n't  seem  wise,  in  the  present  temper  of  the 
populace,  to  return  to  the  hotel  for  our  clothes. 

Once  out  in  the  bay,  the  Major  stood  up,  and, 
striking  a  Napoleon-on-board-the-Bellerophon  at 
titude,  cursed  the  receding  East  Sho',  its  oysters, 
its  canvasbacks,  its  terrapin  and  its  inhabitants. 
Then,  in  a  spasm  of  regret,  he  added  more 
gently : 

"Yet  I  certainly  could  have  been  happy  on 
that  plantation,  Jack.  She  was  the  finest  woman 
I  Ve  ever  met." 


CHAPTER  X 

IN     WHICH     THE      PRODIGAL     HELPS     COLLECT     A 
LITTLE    BILL 

WHEN  the  Major  and  I  walked  down  the 
gangplank  at  Baltimore,  a  cold  fog  was 
blowing  in  from  the  bay,  and  our  faces  con 
tributed  nothing  to  the  cheerfulness  of  the  land 
scape.  For  the  trip  across  had  been  given  over 
to  serious  conversation,  which  I  loathe,  because 
it  never  results  in  anything  except  adding  a  dash 
of  crape  to  a  situation  that  is  already  lavender. 
Of  course,  it  's  safe  to  fear  the  worst,  but,  some 
how,  it  always  strikes  me  as  being  just  a  little 
indelicate  —  like  telephoning  the  undertaker  an 
hour  or  so  before  the  corpse  is  ready. 

To  do  the  Major's  sunny  disposition  justice, 
only  some  great  shock  could  have  driven  him  to 
so  distasteful  a  course,  but  a  hasty,  followed  by 
a  slow,  searching  of  his  pockets  furnished  the 
shock.  The  first  clean-up  was  two  dollars  and 
ten  cents.  A  further  probing  of  his  clothes, 
following  all  their  curves,  dips,  spurs  and  angles, 
failed  to  add  a  penny  to  it. 

"And  I  could  have  swo'n,  suh,"  the  Major 
235 


236    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

exclaimed,  when  the  last  flicker  of  hope  fled 
with  the  turning  out  of  his  pistol  pocket,  "that 
I  had  ten  —  yes,  twenty  dollars,  besides  this 
beggarly  pittance.  How,  suh,  are  we  goin'  to 
get  to  New  York  on  this  ?" 

"Put  me  one  in  plain  arithmetic,  Major," 
I  replied.  "I  'm  not  up  on  differential  calculus. 
It  looks  as  if  we  might  have  to  do  as  the  Balti- 
moreans  do,  and  tarry  a  while  in  this  beautiful 
little  city." 

"But  how,  suh,  can  we  earn  our  bread  in  this 
God-fo'saken  hole  ?"  the  Major  persisted  with 
growing  excitement. 

"We  might  follow  the  advice  of  a  certain 
celebrated  queen,"  I  suggested,  "and  eat  cake  — 
Lady  Baltimore."  Then  the  serious  conversa 
tion  began. 

Coming  ofF  the  boat  in  our  silk  hats  and  frock- 
coats,  we  must  have  looked  like  a  couple  of  bum 
statesmen  from  the  sagebrush.  At  the  first  place 
which  seemed  good  to  him,  the  Major  automati 
cally  turned  in  for  his  afternoon  appetiser,  it 
being  an  oft-proclaimed  theory  of  his  that  "it  is  a 
blank  outrage,  suh,  to  introduce  food  suddenly 
into  an  unprepared  and  unsuspectin'  stomach. 
It  should  always,  suh,  be  given  a  gracious  and 
stimulatin'  warnin*  that  it  is  expected  to  perfo'm 
its  functions."  But  he  checked  himself  at  the 


\- 


An  exceedin'ly  nutritious  and  gentlemanly  repast." 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    237 

very  bar,  as  he  remembered  our  impoverished 
state,  and  backed  out,  saying  yearningly  and 
doubtingly,  "  I  reckon  I  'm  better  off  without  it, 
eh,  Jack?" 

I  was  cruel  enough  to  confirm  this  rather  hazy 
impression,  and  I  improved  the  occasion  to  tell 
him  how  much  better  I  felt  since  I  had  learned 
to  regard  water  as  a  beverage.  But  the  Major 
listened  abstractedly.  He  never  cared  to  talk 
temperance  until  after  he  had  had  his  third  drink. 
For  him  to  nod  approvingly  over,  "Wine  is  a 
mocker,"  he  had  to  be  feeling  just  a  little  bit 
lit  up. 

We  dined  off  a  dozen  raw  oysters  apiece  in  a 
waterfront  restaurant.  This  lowered  the  privy 
purse  by  fifty  cents,  but  so  raised  the  Major's 
spirits  that,  as  we  started  off  to  hunt  for  some 
place  to  sleep,  he  exclaimed: 

"That  made  an  exceedin'ly  nutritious  and  — 
er  —  gentlemanly  repast,  suh!  Don't  have  to 
pick  yo'  blank  teeth  after  eatin'  oysters.  Now 
we  '11  get  to  bed  with  the  chickens  and  rise  in 
the  mo'nin'  with  the  lark,  to  hunt  fo'  Oppor 
tunity.  And  when  we  do  find  her,  suh,  as  I 
am  absolutely  convinced  that  we  shall,  I  allow 
we  '11  pull  her  dashed  fo'lock  out  by  the  roots 
befo'  we  let  her  get  away." 

We  found  one  of  those  hotels  where  everyone 


238    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

pays  in  advance,  because  no  one  has  any  baggage, 
or  because,  if  anyone  has,  the  proprietor  is  afraid 
he  '11  leave  it.  We  got  a  room  for  fifty  cents 
apiece,  and,  though  the  beds  were  damp  and 
dirty,  I  was  disposed  on  reflection  to  agree  that 
they  were  "not  so  damp  and  dirty  as  the  blank 
sidewalk,  suh."  So  we  turned  in,  and,  as  we 
were  both  dog-tired  after  what  the  Major  called 
"the  multitudinous  activities  of  the  day,"  we 
were  soon  sleeping  like  millionaires  in  the  ten- 
thousand-dollar  bed  at  the  St.  Regis. 

Alas,  no  magniloquent  voice,  ordering  a  sump 
tuous  breakfast,  disturbed  my  slumbers  next 
morning.  I  came  to  in  the  gray  dawn  with  a 
stomachache  —  but  it  was  the  ache  of  emptiness, 
not  of  repletion  —  and  put  on  my  ridiculous 
frock-coat,  while  the  Major  trumpeted  defiance 
through  his  Roman  nose  at  the  phantoms  of  his 
dreams.  Then,  as  timidly  and  as  bunglingly 
as  a  bride  on  her  honeymoon,  I  abstracted  a  dime 
from  the  sixty  cents  capital  in  my  trusting  room 
mate's  pocket,  and  tiptoed  out  and  down  stairs. 
Pinned  to  the  Major's  coat  I  left  this  hastily 
scribbled  note: 

DEAR  MAJOR:  Meet  me  here  between  six  and  seven  to-night. 
I  've  taken  breakfast  money  and  gone  out  to  set  a  hen.  Our 
eggs  are  all  in  one  basket  now,  but  unless  they  are  rotten  I  '11 
hatch  them  into  money.  I  '11  try  to,  anyway,  but  this  is  a 
suspicious  world.  JACK. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    239 

I  had  an  anchor  to  leeward  about  which  the 
Major  knew  nothing;  in  fact,  when  I  had  thrown 
it  overboard  I  had  taken  precious  good  care 
that  he  should  n't  know  anything  about  it,  for 
it  was  my  Teddy-bear  suit.  On  our  way  through 
Baltimore  the  week  before,  I  had  thoughtfully 
wrapped  it  up  in  a  separate  parcel  and  checked 
it  in  the  baggage-room  of  the  hotel  at  which  we 
were  stopping.  I  had  not  mentioned  this  to 
the  Major,  because  he  had  been  counting  on  my 
appearance  as  the  Teddy-bear  to  sell  incredible 
quantities  of  the  pomade,  and  I  knew  that  if  I 
had  given  him  a  hint  of  my  unwillingness,  he 
would  have  reasoned  with  me  until  he  had  proved 
that  being  the  bear  was  a  duty  I  owed  to 
suffering  humanity.  But  there's  nothing  checks 
painful  argument  like  removing  the  cause  of  the 
controversy.  And  now  my  cowardice  would  look 
like  admirable  prudence,  and  I  was  not  the 
man  to  claim  another  motive.  So  may  circum 
stance  make  virtues  of  our  vices. 

Once  in  possession  of  the  bundle,  I  invested 
my  dime  in  coffee  and  rolls,  and,  feeling  moder 
ately  refreshed,  inquired  the  way  to  the  largest 
department  store  in  the  city.  There  I  made  for 
the  toy  department,  and,  in  a  brisk,  businesslike 
tone,  claimed  the  attention  of  its  manager.  And 
now  I  made  a  surprising  discovery.  For  the 


24o    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

first  time  in  my  sporadic  hunting  of  a  job  I  was 
able  to  interest  some  one  in  what  I  was  talking 
about  —  I  had  something  definite  to  say.  For 
the  first  time,  I  was  able  to  make  some  one 
consider  me  seriously  —  I  had  something  definite 
to  offer.  I  was  looking  for  an  opening  to  be  the 
Teddy-bear. 

I  began  with  one  of  those  simple,  manly  state 
ments  which  a  fellow  makes  when  he  's  asking 
the  girl's  father,  and  trying  to  tell  him  modestly 
that  his  Helen  has  caught  a  fine  fellow.  The 
manager  started  to  edge  away,  muttering  some 
thing  about  "not  needing  any  more  help  just 
then."  But  I  remembered  that  Jim  had  told 
me  once  that  first,  and  at  any  cost,  you  must  get 
your  customer's  undivided  attention,  and  then 
proceed  to  interest  him.  So  as  this  fellow 
seemed  to  be  of  a  coarse  fibre,  on  which  refined 
methods  were  wasted,  I  shook  out  my  Teddy- 
bear  suit  and  jumped  into  it  before  he  could  say 
''Jack  Robinson,"  or,  in  fact,  anything  except, 
"Well,  I'll  be  hanged!" 

I  had  succeeded  in  attracting  his  attention, 
so  I  proceeded  to  interest  him  by  inflating  the 
long  rubber  tongue  with  "Dee-lighted"  on  it, 
and  shooting  it  out  in  his  face.  It  scared  him 
back  ten  feet,  and  then  his  first  impulse  was  to 
call  for  help.  His  second,  which  he  followed, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    241 

was  to  invite  me  into  his  private  office,  out  of  the 
laughing  crowd  that  was  gathering  around  us. 

Once  inside,  I  dropped  into  a  chair,  threw 
back  the  bear's  head,  and  started  right  in  to 
follow  up  my  advantage: 

"Corker,  ain't  it?  My  own  invention  — 
covered  by  patents  —  warranted  to  cause  whole 
some  merriment  among  the  little  ones,  and  to 
make  their  mammas  shell  out  —  ready  to  go  to 
work  right  now.  Put  me  out  there  on  that  plat 
form,  with  a  good  salesman  beside  me,  and  you 
can  wire  your  jobbers  to  double  their  orders. 
You  '11  need  the  toys." 

"H  —  m  —  m;  there  might  be  something  in 
it,"  the  manager  replied. 

"Might  be!"  I  echoed,  and,  by  way  of  final 
argument,  I  slipped  on  the  bear's  head  and  again 
ran  out  the  "dee-lighted"  tongue.  A  yell  of 
laughter,  which  swept  away  the  manager's  last 
doubt,  burst  from  the  crowd  that  was  watching 
us  through  the  glass  partition. 

When  it  came  to  the  question  of  terms,  he  was 
disposed  to  haggle  a  little,  but  seeing  that  I  had 
my  man,  I  drew  on  my  scant  remaining  store  of 
business  experience  and  adopted  the  methods 
of  one  Eckstein,  with  whom  I  had  had  dealings 
at  various  times,  and  began  to  show  a  Hebrew 
lack  of  interest  at  anything  except  my  price. 


242    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

In  the  end,  the  manager  accepted  my  terms  — 
a  week's  trial  at  five  dollars  a  day,  payable  nightly, 
and  the  exclusive  right  to  the  Teddy-bear  in 
Baltimore,  if,  at  the  end  of  that  time,  he  chose 
to  renew  on  the  same  basis. 

It  was  a  scream  from  the  moment  I  stepped 
out  on  the  platform  and  began  to  "demonstrate" 
toys.  I  put  Santa  Claus  out  of  business  in  five 
minutes,  and  he  was  fired  that  night.  The 
children  fairly  mobbed  me,  and,  drat  em!  they 
never  seemed  to  tire  of  my  antics.  One  little 
devil  stuck  a  hatpin  in  my  leg  to  see  if  I  were  a 
real  bear,  and  a  pampered  pup  in  velvet  pants, 
for  whom  I  outdanced  Salome  in  an  effort  to 
make  his  mother  buy  a  ten-dollar  Teddy-bear, 
rewarded  my  efforts  by  lisping  in  a  rather  bored 
tone:  "Do  it  thome  more!"  Altogether  I  had 
earned  my  five  dollars  when  six  o'clock  came, 
and  I  was  free  to  join  the  Major. 

He  was  waiting  for  me  outside  the  hotel,  looking 
so  dejected  that  I  knew  Opportunity  had  n't 
passed  his  way.  But  his  face  brightened  at  the 
sight  of  me,  and  when  I  shook  my  five-dollar 
bill  before  his  eyes  and  cried,  "Come  along, 
Major;  we  're  going  to  eat,"  it  was  fairly  trans 
figured. 

"My  deah  boy!"  he  exclaimed.  "This  is 
indeed  riches!  I  was  just  goin'  to  call  a  cab 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    243 

to  take  us  to  the  poorhouse.  But  now,  suh, 
we  can  taste  a  little  real  food,  unless,"  and  his 
face  fell,  "this  is  a  case  five." 

"  There  's  more  where  that  came  from,"  I 
assured  him;  "I've  got  a  steady  job,"  and  I 
told  him  of  my  good  fortune,  using  a  good  many 
asterisks  when  I  got  up  to  explaining  how  the 
Teddy-bear  suit  happened  to  be  in  Baltimore. 

The  Major  did  n't  reproach  me,  but  he  looked 
thoughtful  when  I  told  him  how  the  children  had 
ragged  me,  and  said:  "I  suppose  you  must  stick 
it  out  fo'  a  week,  Jack,  if  I  can't  turn  up  some- 
thin',  and  we  will  economise  until  we  can  scrape 
together  carfare  to  New  York.  I  can  always 
get  a  stake  there."  So  we  did  n't  dine  that  night, 
after  all;  only  had  something  to  eat. 

Nothing  turned  up  —  nothing  ever  does  when 
you  really  need  it  —  and  I  had  to  keep  right 
on  being  the  frolicsome,  light-hearted  bear  for 
the  little  ones.  "Luck,"  as  the  Major  said  to 
me  one  night  in  our  dingy  little  room,  "hates  the 
unlucky.  When  you  're  down  to  white  chips 
she  deals  you  ten  high.  If  you  had  a  little  mo' 
sense,  suh,  in  yo'  blank  head,  and  a  little  less 
sentiment  in  yo'  dashed  heart,  you  'd  quit  me  the 
first  chance  you  got.  I  'm  not  only  a  dead  weight, 
but  I  'm  pullin'  downhill.  I  have  n't  had  such  a 
hoodoo  since  the  wah." 


244    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

At  the  end  of  the  week,  we  found  ourselves 
only  a  dollar  or  two  nearer  New  York,  for  though 
we  had  lived  as  closely  as  we  could,  there  had  been 
linen  to  buy,  and  that  had  taken  our  little  surplus. 
I  had  small  fear  that  my  engagement  at  the 
department  store  would  be  terminated,  as  I  had 
made  good,  but  on  Saturday  morning  when  I  went 
to  work,  I  had  an  idea  for  extricating  ourselves 
from  our  difficulties.  So,  instead  of  getting  into 
my  Teddy-bear  suit,  I  made  straight  for  the 
manager's  office. 

"  Want  to  find  out  about  next  week  ?"  he 
inquired. 

"No,"  I  replied;  "I  want  to  leave.  I  'm  going 
to  New  York  to-day,  for  I  've  interested  capital 
there  in  my  invention.  If  you  want  to  keep 
the  Teddy-bear  suit  you  can  have  it  and  the 
exclusive  right  to  use  it  in  Baltimore  for  a  hundred 
dollars.  It  would  cost  you  five,  and  well  worth 
it,  as  you  know,  if  I  was  n't  hard  up." 

Well,  there  was  a  lot  of  the  painful  and  un- 
gentlemanly  haggling  which  seems  so  inseparable 
from  a  business  transaction,  but  the  upshot 
of  the  matter  was  that  I  hurried  back  to  the 
Major  with  a  hundred  dollars.  Twenty  of  this 
went  to  buy  a  postal  order  to  cover  our  unliqui 
dated  hotel  bill  on  the  East  Shore.  The  Major 
inclosed  this  to  Miss  Lynn  in  a  letter  which  was 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    245 

written  in  his  best  manner,  very  cold  and  stately, 
in  which  he  requested  her  to  forward  our  baeeaee 

*  oo    o 

to  the  little  New  York  hotel  at  which  we  planned 
to  put  up. 

An  hour  later,  seated  in  the  smoking  com 
partment  of  a  north-bound  Pullman,  the  Major 
looked  out  at  the  suburbs  of  Baltimore  over  his 
befo re-luncheon  "warning."  There  was  a  faint 
colour  in  his  cheeks,  a  sparkle  in  his  eye,  and  the 
chastening  of  the  past  week  was  rapidly  dis 
appearing  from  his  manner. 

"  I  have  a  presentiment,  Jack,"  he  began, 
"a  conviction,  I  might  say,  suh,  that  the  blank 
luck  is  about  to  change.  You  may  consider  this 
hundred  as  simply  a  first  and  triflin'  installment  on 
account  of  favours  which  we  are  about  to  receive." 

I  was  feeling  too  happy  at  escaping  from 
Baltimore  to  chill  the  Major's  spirits  with  any 
doubts,  so  I  did  not  tell  him  that  during  the  past 
week  I  had  been  disturbed  by  a  growing  convic 
tion  that  there  was  an  intimate  connection  be 
tween  luck  and  work.  By  a  curious  coincidence, 
the  lucky  men,  so  far  as  I  had  been  able  to  see, 
all  had  jobs  and  liked  them;  the  unlucky  ones 
either  did  n't  have  jobs  or  did  n't  like  them. 
I  knew  that  work  would  have  to  be  an  acquired 
taste  with  me,  but  I  had  determined  to  get  a  job 
and  to  cultivate  a  taste  for  it  as  an  ambitious 


246    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

Freshman  would  a  thirst  for  beer.  I  did  rather 
despair,  though,  of  ever  being  able  to  emulate 
those  fellows  who  get  down  before  hours,  and 
bolt  a  piece  of  pie  at  noon  in  their  hurry  to  get 
back,  and  have  to  be  shooed  out  of  the  office 
at  night,  so  that  the  janitors  can  clean  up.  There 
ought,  even  in  work,  to  be  a  happy  medium,  I 
thought,  and  I  reckoned  it  was  a  safe  bet  that  I 
should  find  it.  At  this  conclusion,  I  looked 
across  at  the  Major,  to  see  if  he  had  read  my 
guilty  thoughts  in  my  face,  but  he  was  lost  in 
pleasant  reverie,  and  singing  softly  to  himself: 

"Hold  the  fo't 
Fo'  I  am  comin' — " 

Then,  catching  my  eye,  he  lifted  his  glass  and 
continued:  "Yo*  health,  suh,  and  happy  days. 
Very  poor  Bou'bon.  Most  inferior.  Let  us  go 
fo'ward  and  see  if  the  dashed  monopoly  that 
runs  these  dinin'-cars  can  offer  anythin*  fit  fo* 
a  gentleman  to  eat." 

Crossing  on  the  ferry  from  Jersey  to  New  York, 
the  old  fellow  insisted  on  standing  out  front, 
where  he  could  pick  out  the  familiar  landmarks. 
A  distant  glimpse  of  the  Statue  of  Liberty  stirred 
him  to  exclaim,  "A  fine  woman,  suh!  God  bless 
her!"  and  a  passing  Pennsylvania  ferry-boat 
called  forth,  "A  marvellous  system,  Jack,  the 
creation  of  a  master  mind!  Think,  suh,  that 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL    247 

if  it  were  n't  fo'  the  progressiveness  of  its  builders, 
we  should  be  sca'cely  twenty  miles  out  of  Baltimo' 
at  this  blessed  minute,  even  if  we  'd  been  ridin' 
fo'  liberty  like  Paul  Revere."  And  again,  less 
excitedly  now:  "I  must  be  growin'  old,  Jack, 
fo'  I  plum  lost  my  nerve  in  Baltimo'.  Reckoned 
I  never  would  get  back  here  again.  Dash  these 
second-rate  cities,  anyway!  I  don't  feel  safe  in 
them.  If  you  go  broke,  you  might  as  well  rent 
a  house  and  register  fo'  the  next  election,  because 
the  only  man  that  you  know  well  enough  to  touch 
is  out  West  on  a  business  trip.  If  you  've  got 
money,  and  have  to  stay  a  while  to  trim  a  little 
mo'  from  the  natives,  you  can't  go  to  the  theatre, 
because  the  shows  are  all  blank  road  companies 
takin'  out  last  year's  plays;  if  you  want  a  drink, 
the  dashed  town  has  just  gone  dry;  if  you  want 
a  little  relaxation  at  cards,  the  house  has  just 
been  pulled.  The  only  thing  you  can  do  is  to 
walk  down  one  side  of  Main  Street  and  back  on 
the  other,  and  then  you  're  apt  to  be  run  in  as  a 
suspicious  character,  because  you  're  a  stranger. 
But  here,  in  New  York,  there  is  somethin'  doin' 
every  minute,  and  even  the  seconds  are  tol'ably 
busy.  If  the  front  do'  closes,  the  back  do'  opens. 
If  they  have  to  shut  that,  you  can  come  down 
through  the  scuttle,  or  go  up  by  the  fire  escape. 
It  's  the  blankest,  resou'cefullest,  thoughtfullest 


248    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

town  in  creation.  If  you  want  money,  all  you  've 
got  to  do  is  to  walk  up  Broadway  from  Twenty- 
third  to  Fo'ty-second,  and  you  've  found  yo'  man 
—  or  some  one  else  who  '11  answer  just  as  well. 
If  yo'  scheme  fails  on  one  block,  all  you  've  got 
to  do  is  to  wTalk  around  the  corner  and  begin 
life  over  again.  No,  suh,  unless  I  've  an  inde 
pendent  income  from  Government  bonds,  and 
can  affo'd  to  farm  a  plantation  back  home,  you 
give  me " 

Just  then  the  boat  bumped  into  the  ferry  slip, 
and,  in  the  scramble  ashore,  the  Major's  perora 
tion  was  lost.  Half-way  to  the  street,  we  met 
the  crowd  hurrying  to  catch  the  outgoing  boat, 
and  in  it  we  came  face  to  face  with  the  Governor. 
It  was  the  first  time  I  had  seen  him  since  we 
parted  in  his  library,  and  it  gave  me  a  horrid 
start.  I  made  an  effort  to  dodge,  but  it  was  too 
late.  We  were  almost  on  him,  and  his  keen 
eyes  were  already  fixed  on  us.  So  I  raised  my 
hat  with  a  muttered,  "Good  afternoon,  sir." 
To  my  surprise,  he  returned  the  salutation, 
and,  as  he  came  abreast  of  me,  added  in  a  really 
hearty  voice:  "Glad  to  see  you  looking  so  well, 
Jack." 

He  kept  right  on  to  his  boat,  but,  coming  from 
the  Governor,  this  was  a  distinctly  friendly  over 
ture,  and  I  gathered  that  he  would  not  take  it 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    249 

amiss  if  I  should  call  at  the  house  with  an  olive 
branch.  Involuntarily,  I  turned  around  to  look 
at  him  again,  and  caught  the  Major  regard 
ing  me  intently. 

"Who  was  that,  Jack?"  he  asked. 

"An  old  acquaintance  —  no  one  you  know," 
I  replied,  trying  to  say  it  in  an  offhand  manner 
and  making  a  botch  of  it. 

"Wasn't  it  —  he  certainly  looked  amazin'ly 
like  —  old  Con.  Spurlock  ?" 

"Yes,"  I  answered  shortly,  knowing  the  Major's 
delicacy  about  asking  questions  when  one  showed 
that  one  did  n't  wish  to  be  communicative. 

But  this  time  he  had  decided  to  be  indelicate, 
and  he  persisted  with:  "Any  kin  of  yo's  ?" 

"Yes,  we're  related,"  I  admitted.  "I  think 
I  mentioned  it  when  I  first  met  you.  But,  as 
you  can  see,  he  is  n't  particularly  proud  of  it." 

"He  seemed  co'dial  enough,"  the  Major  re 
turned.  "With  all  that  money,  the  old  boy 
ought  to  do  somethin'  handsome  fo'  you,  Jack." 

"Not  he,"  I  laughed,  a  little  more  at  ease. 

"Well,  if  he  won't  come  down  now,  you  can 
have  a  shy  at  breakin'  the  will,"  the  Major 
suggested  hopefully.  "I  wonder  where  the  old 
scoundrel's  off  to  in  such  a  hurry.  Probably 
goin'  to  Washington  to  hire  some  blank  Brutus 
to  stab  the  rate  bill  in  the  back.  But  he  might 


250    JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

spare  himself  his  pains;  our  honahed  President 
is  not  to  be  trifled  with  in  that  matter,  suh." 

As  I  made  no  rejoinder,  the  conversation 
lapsed  and  then  passed  to  other  topics.  Arrived 
at  the  hotel,  the  Major  insisted  on  starting  out 
at  once  for  that  productive  mile  between  Twenty- 
third  and  Forty-second,  to  happen  on  an  angel 
unawares,  and,  though  I  pointed  out  that  we  still  had 
a  comfortable  balance,  he  was  not  to  be  dissuaded. 

"No,  suh,"  he  explained;  "I've  had  my 
lesson,  and  hereafter  when  there's  a  matter  of 
business  pressin'  fo'  attention,  it 's  goin'  to  be 
attended  to  befo'  I  do  anythin'  else.  The  gentle 
man  that  I  have  selected  to  act  as  our  banker 
might  go  up  against  a  game  to-night  and  get 
cleaned  out  —  if,"  he  added  thoughtfully,  "the 
blank  idiot  has  n't  already  done  it.  No,  suh, 
let  me  make  my  peace  with  my  financial  con 
science,  and  then  I  '11  come  back  and  o'der  some 
things  fo'  dinner  that  are  not  on  the  bill-of-fare." 

Stretched  out  in  a  lazy  chair,  I  lounged  the 
early  evening  away  in  the  hotel  lobby,  finding 
pleasure  in  the  mere  consciousness  of  being 
comfortably  housed,  and  diversion  in  my  growing 
appetite,  knowing  how  thoroughly  it  was  soon 
to  be  satisfied. 

It  was  almost  eight  o'clock  before  the  Major 
returned,  and  I  hardly  needed  to  question  him 


JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    251 

as  to  the  result  of  his  mission,  for  he  swung  in 
through  the  door  with  his  ready-money  walk. 

"  Did  you  get  it  Major  ?"  I  asked,  not  for 
information,  but  by  way  of  greeting. 

"I  did  not,  suh,"  he  returned  cheerfully. 
"We  won't  need  to  borrow,  I  am  happy  to  say, 
fo'  I  have  learned  that  a  man  who  owes  me  a 
considerable  sum  of  money  is  in  town." 

"That's  good,"  I  commented,  though  my 
face  must  have  showed  disappointment — "if 
you  get  it.  There  's  much  giving  the  slip  'twixt 
the  borrower  and  the  lender." 

"Not  between  that  borrower  and  this  lender, 
suh,"  the  Major  returned  with  a  snap  of  his 
jaws.  "I  shall  collect  the  money  to-night.  And 
now,  suh,  let  us  go  to  dinner,  fo'  all  this  business 
has  made  me  confoundedly  hungry." 

That  was  a  dinner  —  just  six  courses  —  but 
planned  by  the  Major  with  the  skill  of  a  Savarin 
and  ordered  in  the  magnificent  manner  of  a  Louis. 
In  fact,  as  we  were  dining  at  a  famous  French 
restaurant,  he  insisted  on  talking  to  the  waiter 
in  French,  so  far  as  a  rather  imperfect  knowledge 
of  the  language  would  permit,  concluding  his 
order,  I  remember,  with:  "And  —  er  —  gas- 
song,  apportez  notre  cafay  outside,  avec  cognac 
—  le  Napolayong  brandy,  comprenez  ?" 

The  dinner  was  a  rather  deliberate  affair,  as 


252    JACK   SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

any  dinner  where  the  food  is  worthy  of  respect 
should  be,  and  then  followed  a  lazy  hour  while 
we  puffed  our  meridianos  selectos,  and  shuddered 
luxuriously  over  the  hardships  which  we  had 
just  escaped.  So  pleasantly  did  the  time  pass 
that  I  forgot  all  about  the  Major's  business,  and 
I  was  a  good  deal  surprised  when  he  glanced  up 
at  the  clock  and  exclaimed:  "By  Geo'ge,  suh! 
It 's  almost  midnight.  Time  fo'  me  to  be  attendin' 
to  my  little  matter." 

"I  thought  you  'd  passed  that  up,"  I  replied, 
"at  least  for  to-night.  But  if  you  think  you  can 
find  your  man  still,  I  '11  trot  around  to  the  hotel 
and  turn  in." 

The  Major  stood  up.  "If  you  don't  mind, 
Jack,"  he  said,  "  I  reckon  I  '11  ask  you  to  go 
with  me  fo'  the  sake  of  company." 

"Sure  thing,"  I  assented,  certain  now  that 
the  Major's  debtor  was  some  fly-by-night  sporting 
man.  So  the  Major  led  the  way  to  the  street, 
bundled  me  into  a  cab,  and,  before  jumping 
in  himself,  gave  some  address  that  I  didn't  quite 
catch.  He  kept  me  pretty  busy  talking  during 
the  twenty-minute  drive,  and,  while  I  saw  in  a 
general  way  that  we  were  going  up  town,  it  was 
not  until  the  cab  stopped  and  I  jumped  out  after 
the  Major  that  I  discovered  that  we  were  in  front 
of  Handy's  gambling-house. 


JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    253 

Idiot  that  I  was,  I  had  insisted  on  the  Major's 
acting  as  our  banker,  and  now  the  fatuous  old 
fool  was  going  to  buck  the  tiger  with  what  re 
mained  of  my  hundred.  I  strangled  an  impulse 
to  yell,  "Stop  him,  some  one!"  and  hurried  up 
the  steps  after  him;  but  it  was  too  late  to  turn 
him  back  without  a  scene,  for  the  door  had 
already  opened  to  his  sophisticated  knock,  and 
the  attendant  was  relieving  him  of  his  coat. 

"Come  along,  Jack,"  he  called  back  over  his 
shoulder  as  he  started  upstairs,  and  I  stifled  a 
naughty  word  and  answered  cheerfully,  "Coming, 
sir."  In  fact,  I  came  on  the  jump,  hoping  to 
find  an  opportunity  of  remonstrating  with  him 
quietly  before  he  could  begin  to  play. 

Near  the  door  of  the  gambling  salon,  where-  I 
caught  up  with  him,  the  proprietor,  Handy,  was 
standing  in  his  accustomed  place. 

"Ah,  Major,"  he  said  smoothly,  as  soon  as 
he  saw  us;  "we  've  missed  you.  Back  for  your 
revenge  ?" 

"Exactly,  suh,"  the  Major  replied.  "I  should 
like  to  speak  with  you  fo'  a  moment,  Handy, 
somewhere  out  of  this  crowd.  I  should  n't 
bother  you  when  you  're  so  busy,  if  it  were  n't 
a  matter  of  some  impo'tance  to  me." 

There  was  a  curious  change  in  Handy's  manner 
—  just  a  shade  more  of  formal  courtesy  and  a 


254    JACK   SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

shade  less  of  cordiality,  as  he  answered:  "Cer 
tainly,  Major,  though  it  is  rather  awkward  at 
this  particular  time.  But  come  this  way." 

He  thought  that  he  was  in  for  a  touch,  as 
with  my  superior  knowledge  of  our  resources, 
I  did,  but  he  was  obviously  resigned  to 
make  the  best  of  it.  Naturally,  I  hung  back, 
but  the  Major  ran  his  arm  through  mine  and 
said:  "Come  along,  Jack.  I  want  you  with 
me."  So  together  we  followed  Handy  into  a 
little  office  back  of  the  gambling  salon.  The 
Major  closed  the  door  behind  us. 

"  And  now,  Major,  what  can  I  do  for  you  ?" 
Handy  began,  busying  himself  with  turning  up 
the  lights. 

"I  dropped  in  fo'  a  settlement  on  the  last 
game,"  the  Major  replied  blandly.  "You  remem 
ber,  when  I  played  faro  here  a  few  weeks  ago  ?" 

"  Perfectly,  Major;  but  you  staked  only  the  chips 
in  your  pile  and  then  quit.  You  owe  us  nothing." 

"Of  cou'se  not,"  the  Major  chuckled.  "But 
come,  Handy,  you  surely  have  n't  fo'gotten  that 
you  owe  me  a  little  matter  of  twenty  thousand 
dollars,"  and  he  smiled,  but  not  with  his  eyes. 

Handy  was  on  guard  in  an  instant.  "Really, 
Major,"  he  said  seriously,  "if  you  have  any 
business  with  me,  state  it.  I  'm  too  busy  to 
joke  with  you  just  now." 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     255 

"My  business  is  to  collect  the  ten-thousand- 
dollar  stake  that  I  bet  here  the  other  night  and 
the  ten  thousand  dollars  that  I  won  on  the  last 
turn."  There  was  no  smile  on  the  Major's 
face  when  he  said  this,  no  chuckle  in  his  voice. 

Both  Handy  and  I  stepped  back  from  him, 
Handy  toward  the  bell,  I  toward  the  door.  The 
old  fellow  must  have  turned  madman  or  criminal, 
I  thought,  and  the  company  of  either  was  too 
promiscuous  for  the  son  of  Jonas  Spurlock. 
Of  course,  I  immediately  checked  the  impulse 
to  desert  the  Major,  but  I  started  to  do  some 
thing  just  as  foolish  —  to  remonstrate  with  him. 

"You  've  surely  made  a  mistake,  Major," 
I  began  soothingly. 

"  Don't  meddle,  suh.  Listen!"  the  Major 
interrupted. 

Handy  was  reaching  for  the  bell.  "Will  you 
get  out  or  be  thrown  out  ?"  he  snarled. 

"Handy!"  and  the  word  was  like  a  pistol  shot. 
"Don't  stir,  you  damned  thief!  I  've  got  you 
covered!"  As  indeed  the  Major  had,  for  he  was 
gripping  and  pointing  something  in  his  coat 
pocket.  "Step  fo'ward.  There  —  that  will  do. 
Now,  hand  over  that  money." 

"  Is  this  blackmail  or  burglary  ?"  sneered  Handy. 

"It 's  likely  to  be  suicide  if  you  don't  learn  to 
choose  yo'  words  mo'  carefully  when  you  talk  to 


256    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

gentlemen.  Now,  listen  here  —  I  met  Joe  Mack 
this  afternoon.  You  remember  he  dealt  the 
last  time  I  played  here,  and  I  learned  that  I  had 
been  buckin'  a  trained  box.  And  I  thought 
you  the  one  really  honest  gambler  left,  Handy!" 
There  was  a  note  of  sadness  and  reproach  in  the 
Major's  voice. 

"He  lies.  I  had  to  discharge  him  for  stealing, 
and  now  he  's  trying  to  get  square.  You  've 
known  me " 

"  On  the  contrary,  suh,  I  am  convinced  that  he 
was  tellin'  the  truth,  and  that  you  are  the  thief." 

"Of  course,  I  'm  quite  powerless,  Major," 
replied  Handy,  regaining  his  composure;  "but 
if  you  force  me  to  give  you  this  money,  I  '11  land 
you  in  the  penitentiary." 

"  Did  n't  I  see  young  Van  Woort  at  the  table 
as  I  came  in  ?"  demanded  the  Major  irrelevantly. 

"Per  —  haps.  I  —  I  think  so,"  admitted 
Handy  in  a  voice  that  was  n't  quite  so  brave. 

"Then,  suh,  you  are  not  powerless,  and  I 
shall  give  you  a  chance  to  prove  yo'self  an  honest 
man.  Pay  me  my  twenty  thousand  dollars  or 
go  with  me  to  the  faro  table  —  but  tote  fair, 
Handy;  you  know  I  never  threaten  —  while  I 
examine  the  box  which  yo'  dealer  is  usin'." 

Handy 's  face  was  a  full  confession.  But  he 
still  protested.  "You  know  I  could  n't  do  that, 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    257 

Major,  not  to  save  a  hundred  thousand  dollars. 
It  would  give  the  house  a  black  eye  if  it  were 
known  that  there  had  been  such  a  suspicion 
even.  But  wait  till  play  is  over ." 

"When  everything  will  be  nicely  fixed  fo'  me. 
Tut!  tut!  Handy!  I  know  you  don't  deal 
crooked  all  the  time  — only  on  a  night  like  this, 
when  that  young  ass  is  plungin',  or  like  the  other 
night,  when  that  Pittsburg  boor  Manton  was  drop- 
pin'  his  roll,  and  when  yo'  bracebox  came  in 
dashed  handy  to  skin  this  old  sucker." 

Handy  gave  it  up  with  a  shrug  of  his  shoulders, 
ancl,  unlocking  his  desk,  took  out  a  roll  of  bills. 
"Here  's  five  thousand  —  all  the  cash  I've  got. 
We  're  short  to-night,  but  I  '11  write  you  a  check 
for  the  balance. 

"And  stop  payment  befo'  breakfast.  Come, 
Handy,  quit  yo'  triflin'.  You  can't  open  yo' 
front  do'  fo'  business  without  fifty  to  a  hundred 
thousand  in  the  house  roll.  You  '11  find  the 
balance  you  need  in  that  safe  over  yonder." 

Handy  opened  the  safe  and  produced  the 
money.  "You  won't  mention  this  little  mis 
understanding  ?"  he  asked,  as,  at  the  Major's 
request,  I  counted  the  bills. 

"No;  I  shan't  mention  it,"  the  Major  returned 
contemptuously;  "though  I  suppose  I  ought  to 
go  out  there  and  expose  you  right  now.  But 


258    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

when  as  old  a  bird  as  I  am  is  fool  enough  to  believe 
that  there  are  square  games  runnin',  what  chance 
is  there  of  keepin*  those  pin-feathered  pin-heads 
from  bein'  plucked  ?  Come,  Jack,"  and  we 
walked  out  with  the  money. 

Our  cab  was  waiting  and  we  started  back  to  the 
hotel,  silent  at  first,  for  I  was  too  stunned  by  the 
turn  of  affairs  to  think  coherently,  and  the  Major, 
far  from  showing  elation,  seemed  plunged  in 
gloomy  reflections. 

"And  that,  suh,"  he  exclaimed  finally,  "is 
what  faro  has  come  to  in  this  country!  I  shall 
never  call  another  turn;  never  step  foot  in  a 
gamblin'-house  again.  The  profession  has 
sunk  even  lower  than  my  fears,  and  I  have  not, 
as  you  know,  been  over-optimistic  about  it.  It 
is  apparent,  suh,  that  it  is  no  longer  possible  to 
be  both  a  gentleman  and  a  gambler.  I  shall,  con 
sequently,  devote  my  energies  to  some  other  callin'; 
in  fact,  I  think  I  shall  sho'tly  take  a  run  through 
our  beloved  Southland,  with  a  view  to  buyin'  a 
plantation  and  engagin'  in  agricultural  pursuits." 

"You  won't  need  to  take  me  along  to 
milk  the  mooly  cows,"  I  suggested.  "They  will 
give  down  for  you  at  the  word  of  command." 

"We  're  partners,  Jack,"  the  Major  returned 
simply,  "so  long  as  you  don't  find  life  with  an 
old  fellow  too  dull." 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     259 

"Dull,  Major?"  I  laughed.  "I  want  to  stay 
with  you  for  the  excitement  of  it  —  at  least  until 
I  get  nervous  prostration." 

The  Major  chuckled,  and  I  continued: 

"  Where  did  you  get  that  gun,  Major  ?  Both 
of  yours  are  in  hock." 

"You  mean  the  one  I  trained  on  Handy  from 
my  pocket  ?  That  was  n't  a  gun,  suh,  but  a  soup 
spoon  which  I  borrowed  from  the  dinner-table. 
You  don't  need  a  gun  to  make  that  kind  of  game 
come  down." 


CHAPTER  XI 

IN   WHICH   THE    PRODIGAL    GETS   A   JOB 

THE  morning  after  our  visit  to  Handy's  I 
was  rudely  disturbed  by  a  blow  in  the 
face  and  a  cry  of  "  Hey,  youse  in  dere,  wake  up ! " 
Naturally,  I  woke  up,  and  woke  up  mad;  for  a 
bellboy  and  a  district  messenger  were  grinning  at 
me  over  the  transom,  and  preparing  to  hurl  another 
shoe  after  the  one  which  had  just  glanced  off  my 
face.  I  said  something  strong  and  hasty  to  them. 

"We  t'ought  youse  was  doped,"  the  bellboy 
explained  cheerfully,  as  he  prepared  to  jump 
from  the  door-knob  to  the  floor.  "We  tried 
paper  balls  before  we  trun  the  shoe,  an*  youse 
brushed  'em  off  as  if  de  flies  boddered  youse." 

I  jumped  out  of  bed  and  looked  into  the  Major's 
room,  but  it  was  empty.  "Why  the  deuce  has 
the  old  fellow  skipped  out  and  left  me  to  sleep 
all  day  ?"  I  thought  crossly,  as  I  unlocked  the  door 
to  admit  the  messenger,  for  there  was  that  unde- 
finable  something  in  the  air  which  tells  one  that 
the  whole  world  has  been  hard  at  work  for  hours. 

"What  time  is  it?"  I  asked  of  the  messenger, 
as  he  shoved  a  note  at  me. 

260 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    261 

"  Twelve-thoity,  boss,  an'  gettin'  later,"  he 
grinned. 

I  growled  and  glanced  at  the  note.  It  was 
addressed  to  me  in  the  Major's  handwriting. 

"Where  did  you  get  this?"  I  demanded,  a 
sharp  and  thoroughly  unworthy  suspicion  flashing 
through  my  brain  as  I  thought  of  our  winning  of 
the  night  before  and  of  the  Major's  unaccountable 
disappearance  without  awakening  me.  For  we  had 
a  clear  understanding  that  I  was  not  to  be  trusted 
until  after  I  had  had  my  bath,  and  that  all  pleas  and 
promises  that  I  would  get  up  "in  just  a  minute," 
no  matter  how  plausible,  were  to  be  disregarded. 

"From  a  chesty  old  guy  in  de  Battery  Loan 
and  Trust,"  the  boy  returned. 

"Did  he  want  an  answer?" 

"Nope;  he  asked  if  I  could  carry  a  message  to 
Garcia,  an*  when  I  said  sure,  he  did  n't  give  me 
none  —  just  de  horse  laugh  an'  a  letter  to  youse." 

I  dug  up  the  quarter  that  the  boy  was  lingering 
for  and  sat  down  on  the  edge  of  the  bed  to  read 
the  letter.  As  I  unfolded  it  a  slip  of  paper  fluttered 
to  the  floor.  It  was  a  cheque  for  $9,900,  drawn  to 
my  order  on  the  Battery  Loan  and  Trust. 

The  Major  wrote: 

MY  DEAR  JACK: 

Not  since  I  said  good-bye  to  my  old  commander,  the 
gallant  and  universally  beloved  Buckner,  have  I  faced  a 


262    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

situation  which  caused  me  so  much  sorrow,  but  I  am  afraid 
that  we  have  reached  the  parting  of  the  ways.  For  some 
time  I  have  suspected  that  you  were  nearer  kin  to  Mr. 
Jonas  Spurlock  than  you  admitted,  and  yesterday,  after  our 
accidental  meeting  with  him,  I  confirmed  this  suspicion.  Now, 
my  dear  boy,  your  father  is  prepared  to  forgive  you  if  you  will 
go  to  him  in  the  proper  spirit,  and  it  would  be  the  sheerest 
folly  for  you  to  continue  either  this  unfortunate  quarrel  or 
your  association  with  me;  for  after  a  night's  reflection  I  am 
reluctantly  forced  to  the  conclusion  that  I  am  not,  perhaps, 
the  safest  guide  for  a  young  man  during  his  plastic  and  forma 
tive  years,  especially  for  one  who  will  sooner  or  later  be  called 
to  shoulder  responsibilities  with  which  I  have  had  no  experience. 
It  would  be  superfluous  for  me  to  hint  to  one  so  resourceful  as 
yourself  that  it  might  influence  your  father  favourably  if  you 
would  show  him  this  cheque  for  your  half  of  our  earnings,  and 
intimate  that  it  represents  savings  from  fortunate  business 
speculations,  made  during  the  period  of  your  regrettable 
separation  from  him.  Of  course,  I  would  not  counsel  you  to 
deceive  your  father,  for  I  have  always  strongly  urged  the 
importance  of  perfect  confidence  between  parent  and  child; 
but,  at  worst,  this  is  only  a  justifiable  stratagem,  such  as  the 
complexities  of  modern  business  life  compel  our  leaders  of 
finance  to  practise  every  day,  and  it  would  give  Mr.  Spurlock 
a  respect  for  your  business  abilities  which,  I  fear,  he  does  not 
at  present  entertain. 

And  now,  my  dear  Jack,  you  are  called  to  a  great  position, 
in  which,  I  know,  you  will  use  your  opportunities  wisely. 
From  that  little  Sabine  farm  in  Kentucky,  to  which  I  propose 
shortly  to  retire,  there  to  spend  my  declining  years  in  improving, 
so  far  as  my  humble  means  will  permit,  that  noblest  of  God's 
animals,  the  trotting  horse,  I  shall  watch  your  career  with  pride 
and  satisfaction.  And  I  shall  always  look  back  on  the  months 
which  we  have  spent  together  as  the  happiest  of  an  old  fellow's 
life.  Knowing  how  quixotic  you  are,  and  how  easily  I  yield 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL   263 

to  specious  representations  when  my  affections  are  concerned, 
I  write,  instead  of  saying,  Good-bye  and  God  bless  you. 
Yours  to  command, 

GEORGE  MAGOFFIN   JACKSON, 

Lately   Major   C.    S.    A. 

'P.  S.  —  I  have  paid  the  hotel  and  slipped  a  hundred-dollar 
bill  in  your  vest  pocket,  the  balance  of  your  ten  thousand. 
Your  clothes  came  from  the  East  Shore  this  morning,  and 
are  checked  downstairs.  With  them  I  received  a  note  from 
Miss  Lynn,  saying  that  when  those  Maryland  mudsills  re 
turned  to  the  church,  after  their  scoundrelly  and  dastardly 
treatment  of  us,  Miss  Roby  had  taken  alarm  and  refused  to 
go  on  with  the  wedding.  So  at  least  we  were  able  to  save 
that  charming  woman  from  the  clutches  of  an  infamous  and 
blackguardly  hound. 

"The  dear  old  damn  fool"  were  the  only  words 
that  came  to  express  my  feelings  as  I  finished, 
but  these  seemed  to  cover  the  situation  so  ade 
quately  that  I  repeated  them.  Then  I  verified 
the  hundred-dollar  bill  and  sat  down  to  write 
an  answer. 

You  blithering  old  idiot,  if  you  are  mine  to  command,  I 
command  you  to  come  back  to  the  hotel  instantly,  for  if  you  're 
caught  wandering  the  streets  in  your  present  condition  you  '11 
land  in  the  psychopathic  ward.  And  if  I  went  to  father  and 
showed  him  all  that  money,  he  'd  simply  think  I  'd  added  crime 
to  incompetence;  besides,  not  a  penny  of  it  belongs  to  me. 
I  'm  going  to  get  a  job,  and  then  I  '11  go  to  the  Governor  and 
eat  dirt  or  Wiener  wurst  or  any  other  symbol  of  abasement; 
but,  until  then,  stop  butting  into  my  family  affairs,  and  don't 
shake  your  old  college  friend,  JACK. 

That  addressed,  I  jumped  into  my  clothes  and 


264    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

hurried  down  to  the  Battery  Loan  and  Trust. 
There  I  indorsed  the  cheque  back  to  the  Major 
and  deposited  it  to  his  account.  I  don't  know 
that  I  'd  have  had  the  courage  to  give  it  up  if  it 
had  been  currency,  but  that 's  the  beauty  of  a 
cheque  —  it  does  n't  seem  like  real  money.  My 
letter  I  persuaded  the  paying  teller  to  hold  fo  the 
Major,  knowing  that  he  was  likely  to  see  the  old 
fellow  often. 

For  three  days  afterward  I  haunted  the  hotel 
lobbies  and  that  magic  mile  of  Broadway  where, 
according  to  the  Major,  one  could  always  meet 
the  man  that  one  wanted,  but  neither  there  nor 
at  the  bank  did  I  meet  mine.  The  Major  had 
not  been  back,  and  so  he  had  not  received  my 
letter.  Then,  one  noontime,  as  I  was  turning 
out  of  Wall  Street  into  Broadway,  a  familiar  voice 
boomed  out  just  ahead  of  me.  "You  should  be 
proud  of  that  boy,  suh ! "  it  was  saying.  "  He  is  an 
honah  to  the  name.  And  sharp!  Why,  suh, 
he  has  a  perfect  genius  fo'  finance!  To  my  own 
knowledge,  suh,  just  in  one  transaction,  and 
startin'  with  an  exceedin'ly  moderate  capital,  he 
cleaned  up  ten  thousand  dollars!" 

"What  was  the  transaction  and  where  did 
he  get  the  capital  ?"  another  familiar  voice  asked 
dryly. 

"  Where  did  he  get  the  capital,  suh  ?     Where 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    265 

did  he  get  the  blank  capital  ?"  the  Major  thun 
dered,  evidently  casting  around  in  his  mind  for  a 
suitable  place.  "Why,  suh,  he  got  that  capital 
by  husbandin'  his  resou'ces,  by  —  er  —  denyin' 
himself  the  luxuries  and  comfo'ts;  yes,  suh,  the 
dashed  little  comfo'ts  to  which  he  had  been 
accustomed.  It  would  have  made  yo'  heart 
bleed  if  you  could  have  seen  that  po'  boy,  as  I 
have  seen  him,  scrimpin'  and  starvin'  and 
savin' " 

"Yes,  yes,"  the  Governor  broke  in  impatiently, 
"and  a  fine  thing  for  him,  too!  But  how  was  he 
earning  the  money  he  was  saving  ?" 

I  trembled  for  the  Major,  knowing  how  little 
used  he  was  to  being  asked  or  to  answering 
impertinent  questions;  but  he  replied,  with  a 
fine  mingling  of  delicacy  and  discretion  in  his 
tone: 

"That,  suh,  is  somethin'  I  am  not  at  liberty 
to  tell  without  violatin'  a  —  er  —  sacred  confi 
dence.  Yo'  son,  suh,  at  partin'  from  me,  asked 
that  I  leave  the  relation  of  these  —  er  —  er  — 
intimate  personal  details  to  himself.  A  quite 
pardonable,  little  filial  vanity,  suh!  I  can  only 
assure  you  that  every  blank  dollar  of  his  modest 
competence  was  acquired  in  ways  that  reflect 
the  highest  credit  on  both  his  mind  and  his 
heart,"  and  then  the  Governor  and  the  Major, 


266    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

arm  in  arm,  swung  aside  and  into  the  Cafe 
Savarin. 

I  knew,  of  course,  that  the  Major  must  have 
gone  to  the  Governor  with  news  of  me,  but  I  was 
astounded  at  this  evidence  that  such  cordial 
relations  existed  between  the  ill-assorted  pair. 

If  it  had  n't  been  for  those  fool  remarks  of  the 
Major's,  I  should  have  followed  them  into  the 
cafe,  but  all  his  bombast  about  that  modest 
competence,  which  I  was  no  longer  able  to  pro 
duce  as  proof  of  my  business  prowess,  had  erected 
a  new  barrier  between  the  Governor  and  me,  at 
least  so  it  seemed  to  that  distorted  vision  on  one's 
affairs  which  comes  with  hard  luck.  For  when  a 
fellow's  down,  he  's  apt  to  lose  his  real  pride  and 
to  acquire  an  imitation,  which  makes  him  abnor 
mally  sensitive  about  a  lot  of  things  for  which 
nobody  else  cares  a  hoot.  Big  troubles  unite, 
little  ones  divide,  a  family. 

I  took  myself  off  down  Broadway  to  a  modest 
restaurant,  and  there,  while  the  waiter  was  getting 
my  order,  I  resumed  my  regular  occupation  of 
looking  through  the  want  ads.  for  one  that  did  n't 
want  me  to  meet  dashing,  brunette  widow  for 
mutual  improvement;  or  that  did  n't  offer  light, 
congenial  work,  provided  I  bought  a  ten-dollar 
outfit;  or  that  did  n't  insist  on  my  investing  a 
thousand  in  the  business,  purely  as  a  guarantee 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    267 

of  good  faith  and  that  I  was  a  sucker.     Finally, 
among  the  educational  items  I  struck  this: 

"\X7r ANTED,    a    Harvard   graduate   of  good    manners  and 
address,    with    experience    in    tutoring,     to     prepare 
bright,    but   backward,   youth    for   Harvard.      Call   to-day  at 
2  P.  M.,  at  office  of  R.  M.  Bonsall,  Equitable  Life  Building. 

"Harvard  graduate  of  good  manners  and 
address,"  I  repeated.  "That's  me.  I've  had 
experience  in  toots  and  tutoring,  the  latter  as  a 
natural  sequence  to  the  former.  And  he  can't 
be  too  backward  in  his  studies  to  suit  me.  This 
is  where  I  become  Professor  Spurlock,"  and, 
hastily  swallowing  my  luncheon,  I  put  for  the 
Equitable  Building,  as  it  was  already  getting  on 
toward  two. 

R.  M.  Bonsall  was  a  broker,  and,  judging  from 
the  size  and  splendour  of  his  offices  and  the  de 
jected  appearance  of  those  hanging  around  them, 
a  prosperous  one.  When  I  stated  the  nature  of 
my  errand  a  clerk  showed  me  into  a  private  room, 
where  half  a  dozen  pear-headed  young  men  were 
waiting.  They  looked  so  all-fired  intellectual 
that  I  was  discouraged  for  a  moment.  Then  I 
cheered  up.  I  saw  that  if  they  had  me  stung  on 
culture,  I  had  them  buffaloed  on  address,  for  they 
all  seemed  scared  and  ill  at  ease.  Not  having 
anything  to  lose,  I  did  n't  see  why  I  should  be 
afraid  of  losing  it. 


268    JACK  SP¥RLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

One  by  one  they  were  passed  into  a  mysterious 
inner  room,  and,  apparently,  dropped  through  a 
trapdoor  into  the  safety  deposit  vaults  below, 
for  none  of  them  returned.  As  the  latest  comer 
I  was  ushered  into  the  presence  last. 

I  was  not  received  by  Mr.  Bonsall,  as  I  had  ex 
pected,  but  by  a  woman — a  large  woman,with  easy- 
chair  curves,  thickly  cushioned  and  richly  up 
holstered  in  green.  She  was  standing  when  I 
entered  the  room,  and  she  greeted  me  in  the  tone 
of  one  who  is  afraid  that  if  she  isn  't  very  loud  and 
determined  when  she  orders  the  servants  to  do 
anything,  they  may  tell  her  to  do  it  herself.  She 
was  evidently  on  the  way  up  from  the  kitchen, 
and  not  quite  parlour-broke  yet;  for  upstairs  the 
voice  of  authority  is  low.  So  I  greeted  her  with 
the  young  prince  manner  and  handed  her  the 
high  shake.  She  struck  back  gamely,  if  a  little 
blindly,  but  I  knew  that  I  had  her  cowed  and 
that  the  job  was  mine,  quite  regardless  of  where 
I  stood  on  the  pans  aslnorum.  Take  it  all  in  all, 
she  was  as  perfect  a  specimen  of  the  new  rich  as 
one  could  find  in  a  year's  botanising  at  the 
Waldorf. 

Of  course,  the  Governor  and  I  are  so  new  that 
the  paint  comes  off  when  you  touch  us,  but  he  's 
rather  proud  of  his  blacksmith  father,  and  I  'm 
reconciled,  because,  as  he  pointed  out  to  me  once 


I've  dined  with  them  when  Lord  Strathmore's  old  butler 
passed  the  poulet  r6ti  as  if  he  were  handing  around  a  platter 
of  insults. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL     269 

when  I  was  asking  questions  with  a  view  to  blaming 
our  family  on  William  the  Conqueror,  though 
grandpa's  face  did  get  a  little  brunette  from  his 
work  at  the  forge,  it  might  have  been  worse  — 
he  might  have  been  a  coon.  The  Governor  had 
always  dismissed  society  as  rot,  but  because  he 
had  a  love  of  real  comfort  and  simplicity,  and 
a  talent  for  picking  and  attaching  capable  people 
to  himself,  I  was  not  long  in  finding  out,  after  we 
came  to  New  York  and  I  had  been  around  a 
little,  that  we  were  living  like  the  descendants  of 
a  hundred  earls  —  and  probably  a  hanged  sight 
better  than  if  ninety-nine  sporty  old  three-bottle 
ancestors,  with  a  genius  for  throwing  deuces 
and  picking  also-rans,  had  had  a  hack  at  the 
estates  first. 

I  never  could  understand  why  so  many  of  the 
new  rich  have  such  a  passion  for  getting  servants 
who  hate  to  associate  with  them.  But  they  never 
feel  perfectly  happy  until  they  have  hired  the 
sometime  coachman  of  the  Astors  to  sit  on  their 
box,  with  his  nose  uptilted  as  if  he  were  driving 
a  bad  smell.  And  I  've  dined  with  them  when 
Lord  Strathmore's  old  butler  passed  the  poulet 
rotl  as  if  he  were  handing  around  a  platter  of 
insults,  and,  simply  by  the  moral  force  of  his 
superior  manner,  had  every  one  talking  in  their 
most  refined  tones  on  topics  which  they  fondly 


2;o    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

hoped  were  meet  for  ears  that  once  had  listened 
to  the  conversation  of  an  earl.  Whenever  I  'd 
spring  a  bully  one  they  'd  only  smile  in  a  shocked, 
uneasy  way,  as  if  to  warn  me  that  the  butler  was 
present. 

Mrs.  Bonsall  was  right  off  that  bolt,  and  as 
soon  as  her  snobbish  soul  grasped  the  fact  that  I 
could  give  the  high  shake  with  just  the  right 
degree  of  languid  interest  in  the  performance, 
her  questions  about  my  educational  qualifications 
became  perfunctory.  And  when  I  concluded  a 
modest  statement  of  my  virtues  with  a  significant 
pause,  implying  that  there  were  a  lot  of  perfectly 
bully  things  about  myself  which  I  could  tell  her,  if  I 
were  the  sort  of  man  who  could  do  anything  that 
was  in  such  bad  taste,  she  almost  reached  for 
me.  Then  I  added  delicately: 

"Of  course,  there  are  a  great  many  things 
besides  books  that  a  young  man  who  will  occupy 
your  son's  social  position  at  Harvard  should 
know,"  and  it  was  all  over  but  the  references. 
In  fact,  she  forgot  to  ask  for  them,  but,  as  I  was 
rising  to  leave,  I  thought  it  wise  to  say: 

"And,  oh!  I  'd  almost  forgotten.  I  Ve  been 
travelling  lately  with  Major  Jackson  as  a  sort 
of  companion  and  all  that  kind  of  thing — the 
Kentucky  Jacksons,  you  know." 

She  did  n't,  but  she  nodded  eagerly,  for  I  said 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    271 

it  in  that  of-course-everybody-knows-the-Ken- 
tucky-Jacksons  tone. 

"He's  out  of  town  for  a  few  days,"  I  continued, 
"but  a  letter  in  care  of  his  bankers  will  find 
him."  And  then  I  left,  engaged  at  sixty  dollars 
a  month,  and  under  instructions  to  report  at  Mrs. 
Bonsall's  Long  Island  country  place  the  following 
morning. 

When  I  got  back  to  the  hotel  I  addressed  a 
letter  to  the  Major  in  the  care  of  the  bank,  telling 
him  about  my  new  job  and  begging  him  to  turn 
loose  all  his  adjectives  on  Mrs.  Bonsall  if  she 
wrote  him  for  a  reference.  With  what  remained 
of  my  hundred  dollars  I  paid  my  hotel  bill  and 
withdrew  another  installment  of  my  wardrobe 
from  the  moth  balls  of  Israel. 

Chiddingston  Manor,  the  Bonsall  country  place, 
at  which  I  duly  reported  next  morning,  was  in 
the  Hempstead  district  of  Long  Island.  It  was 
a  large  Tudor  house,  with  a  Louis  Quinze  terrace 
out  front  and  an  Italian  pergola  leading  to  an 
Indian  temple  out  back.  There  were  stables 
and  garages,  and  dairies  and  henneries,  and 
conservatories  and  graperies,  and  shrubberies 
and  nurseries,  with  English  sundials  and  French 
statuary  scattered  tastily  through  the  grounds, 
not  to  mention  a  Dutch  wind-mill,  an  Italian 
well,  and  a  bronze  fountain  which  looked  as  if  it 


272    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

might  have  been  erected  to  the  memory  of  the 
brave  boys  who  fell  at  Appomattox. 

Inside  it  was  like  one  of  those  ideal  sections  of 
fossiliferous  strata  from  which  one  can  gather 
the  age  and  previous  condition  of  our  little  planet. 
Most  American  houses  tell  their  owners'  stories 
in  just  the  same  way.  The  lower  floor,  or  flush 
time  deposit,  in  the  Bonsall  mansion,  was  a  deco 
rator's  dream  of  an  order  to  go  as  far  as  he  liked, 
just  so  the  money  showed.  The  result  was  as 
perfect  an  example  of  the  begilt,  the  bedizened 
and  the  begosh  school  of  decoration  as  I  have 
ever  seen.  Everything  was  new,  even  the  things 
which  looked  old,  and  everything  was  as  overdone 
as  a  soubrette  taking  supper  at  Rector's,  from 
the  walls,  which  were  hung  in  heavy  figured 
stuffs,  to  the  tortured  and  tapestried  furniture. 
Mrs.  Bonsall  explained  to  me  later  that  the  deco 
rator  had  robbed  Europe  of  its  treasures  for  the 
house,  and  I  answered  —  to  myself  —  that  he 
deserved  twenty  years  for  it. 

The  second  floor  was  furnished  from  the  city 
house  which  the  Bonsalls  had  occupied  just  before 
the  big  bulge  in  Southern.  Pacific  landed  them 
on  top,  and  everything  there  was  as  shiny  and 
plushy  as  bad  taste  can  demand  and  a  cheap 
department  store  supply.  My  own  room,  on 
the  third  floor,  dated  back  to  their  Harlem- 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    273 

flat  period,  and  it  was  simply  an  installment 
plan  outrage. 

Outside,  the  place  was  a  combination  of  public 
park  and  zoo;  inside,  it  was  a  combination  of  hotel 
and  hell.  There  was  a  little  of  everything  in  the 
world  on  that  two  hundred  acres  except  comfort 
and  good  taste.  It  had  been  dedicated  to  its 
owners'  vanity  in  having  things  that  other  people 
could  n't  afford,  and  they  had  them. 

One  felt  instinctively  that  no  one  had  ever  been 
born  or  had  ever  died  in  the  house;  that  no  self- 
respecting  person  ever  would  consent  to  be  born 
or  to  die  in  it.  One  knew  that  the  only  keen  joys 
which  people  who  would  live  there  could  feel 
would  be  over  winnings;  the  only  bitter  griefs 
over  losses. 

From  Mrs.  Bonsall's  manner  of  receiving  me, 
I  saw  that  she  was  determined  to  put  me  in  my 
proper  place  right  at  the  start,  but,  when  she 
explained  in  her  most  determined  manner  that 
I  was  to  act  as  a  sort  of  household  secretary,  in 
addition  to  my  work  as  tutor,  I  foiled  her  by  being 
as  humble  as  a  poor  relation,  instead  of  saying, 
as  she  had  evidently  expected,  that  "  I  was  n't 
hired  to  do  all  them  works."  Mrs.  Bonsall 
would  n't  keep  a  housekeeper,  and  she  could  n't 
keep  her  servants,  for  she  was  torn  with  dark 
doubts  of  their  honesty,  filled  with  agonised 


274    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

certainty  of  their  wastefulness.  Life  for  her  was 
one  long  snoop  about  the  house,  looking  for 
things  to  which  a  woman  who  has  heen  accustomed 
to  an  establishment  closes  her  eyes. 

My  charge,  Master  Clarence,  was  out  taking 
a  spin  in  his  motor,  so,  after  settling  myself  in 
my  room,  I  wandered  over  to  where  the  daughter 
of  the  house,  Dorothy,  aged  seven,  was  sitting 
on  the  grass  and  making  ineffectual  efforts  to 
coax  a  half-grown  collie  to  her  side.  The  dog 
knew  Dorothy,  but  I  did  n't  then,  so  I  approached 
with  confidence. 

"Good  morning,"  I  said  in  a  merry-sunshine 
voice;  "I'm  Mr.  Spurlock,  your  brother's  new 
tutor." 

Dorothy  looked  me  over  coldly,  but  did  n't  say  it. 

"Are  n't  you  going  to  speak  to  me  ?"  I  persisted, 
trying  to  convey  in  my  tone  that  I  just  doted  on 
little  girls. 

"Yes;  go  away." 

Even  that  did  n't  discourage  me.  I  was  hired 
to  please,  and  this  seemed  the  place  to  start  right 
in  to  earn  my  salary.  So  I  persisted  coaxingly: 

"  But  I  've  come  to  play  with  you,  Dorothy; 
I  know  a  lovely  new  game." 

"What  is  it?"  she  demanded. 

"Well,"  I  started  in,  rather  taken  aback  by  her 
directness,  "you  choose  a  bush  and  I  '11  choose 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    275 

a  bush,  and  we  '11  make  believe  that  they  're 
perfectly  beautiful  palaces,  and  that  we  're  dread 
fully  rich,  and " 

"Rats!"  interrupted  young  hopeful;  "I  don't 
have  to  make  believe  that;  I  am  rich."  And 
she  turned  her  back  on  me. 

I  gave  Dorothy  up.  When  Clarence  returned 
I  found  him  worse,  because  he  was  older,  but  I 
could  n't  give  him  up  and  keep  my  salary.  He 
was  a  pasty,  pimply-faced  youth  of  sixteen,  who 
had  come  home  in  disgrace  from  a  very  "exclusive 
school  for  young  gentlemen,"  so  it  must  have 
been  something  pretty  bad.  There  he  had  been 
taught  a  little  Latin,  a  little  Greek,  and  everything 
about  being  a  little  bounder  that  he  had  n't  learned 
at  home.  He  smoked  cigarettes  on  the  sly,  and 
never  told  the  truth  except  to  hurt  somebody's 
feelings. 

Naturally,  I  expected  that  the  husband  and 
father  of  this  outfit  must  be  a  colossus  of  weak 
ness  and  vice,  but  when  I  met  him  at  dinner  he 
proved  to  be  a  quiet,  forceful  man,  who  neither 
smoked  nor  drank,  and,  with  the  fatalism  of  the 
average  American  father,  rarely  questioned  his 
wife's  primacy  in  the  household.  He  was  proud 
of  his  big  place,  not  because  he  enjoyed  it,  for 
he  contented  himself  with  an  hour's  walk  around 
the  grounds  Sunday  afternoons,  but  because  it 


276    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

advertised  him  as  being  just  as  successful  as  the 
next  fellow,  and  more  so  than  most.  Mr.  Morgan 
bought  old  masters;  so  he  bought  them.  Mr. 
Vanderbilt  kept  fancy  cows  and  horses;  so  he 
kept  them.  If  he  had  heard  that  Mr.  Astor  had 
a  penchant  for  monkeys,  he  would  have  gravely 
built  a  monkey  house  and  have  cabled  for  a  supply 
of  the  most  expensive  breed.  Apparently  it  had 
never  occurred  to  him  that  he  could  do  anything 
or  like  anything  which  other  rich  men  had  n't 
stamped  as  the  correct  things  to  do  and  to  like. 
Sometimes,  when  he  was  n't  too  busy,  he  would 
show  vague  signs  of  uneasiness  at  his  son's  tastes, 
and  wonder  if  he  would  n't  really  be  better  off 
if  he  were  taught  something  useful,  but  usually 
he  was  too  busy.  He  had  a  big  deal  on,  and 
almost  every  evening  two  or  three  of  his  business 
associates  came  out  from  town  with  him,  and  they 
spent  half  the  night  planning  to  take  the  hide 
off  a  little  bunch  of  Wall  Street  citizens  whom 
they  were  engaged  in  rounding  up. 

Other  nights  madam  would  entertain  those 
neighbours  who  were  as  rich  as  we  were,  and  who, 
like  ourselves,  were  waiting,  striving,  and  abasing 
themselves  for  an  invitation  from  those  other 
neighbours  who  were  just  as  rich,  but  had  had 
their  money  longer.  I  was  called  in  sometimes 
to  fill  out  at  these  dinners,  and  it  diverted  me 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    277 

immensely  to  hear  these  friends,  each  of  whom 
was  prepared  to  cut  the  others  at  the  first  sign  of 
recognition  from  the  elect,  lie  about  their  acquaint 
ance  with  the  superior  beings  who  let  them  sub 
scribe  to  their  chanties,  but  could  n't  remember 
their  names  except  on  a  cheque.  I  saw  that  the 
much-advertised  Digger  Indians  are  pikers  at 
dirt-eating  beside  a  bunch  of  new  rich  who  are 
trying  to  get  in. 

And  does  money  talk  ?  The  conversation  drip 
ped  dollars!  No  name  was  mentioned  without  a 
rating;  no  emotion  but  was  interpreted  in  terms 
of  money.  I  remember  one  night,  when  Mrs. 
Bonsall,  trying  to  impress  an  even  richer  guest 
with  the  completeness  of  our  place,  told  her 
that  our  brook  had  just  been  stocked  with  trout. 

"Trout!  Tre-out!"  repeated  the  richer  one. 
"Our  brook  is  stocked  with  goldfish/'  There 
was  in  her  tone  a  delicious  mingling  of  superiority 
and  of  surprise  that  anyone  who  could  afford 
the  nobbier  and  showier  goldfish  would  be  guilty 
of  such  a  piscatorial  faux  pas  as  stocking  a  stream 
with  the  sober  and  shrinking  trout. 

Some  way  I  managed  to  hold  my  place  and 
even  to  get  along  with  these  people,  after  I  learned 
that  I  must  n't  joke  about  money,  that  being  the 
sacred  subject  and  only  to  be  approached  rever 
ently.  I  tried  to  teach  Clarence  that  it  was  a  foolish 


2;8    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

waste  of  material  to  lie  except  in  a  case  of  necessity; 
that  unlimited  cigarettes  would  give  Dorothy  a 
chance  to  hog  the  whole  inheritance;  and  that 
there  was  nothing  inherently  disgraceful  in  not 
getting  drunk  whenever  he  was  allowed  to  go 
to  the  theatre  with  one  of  his  puppy  friends.  But, 
failing  in  these  things,  I  settled  down  to  make  his 
lessons  as  unpleasant  for  him  as  possible.  This 
necessitated  the  first  hard  studying  that  I  had 
ever  done,  so  every  night  I  went  to  my  room  and 
boned  up  for  the  next  day.  Then,  too,  I  was 
indulging  a  vice  of  my  own,  for  I  had  become 
fired  with  an  ambition  to  become  a  reporter,  and 
I  was  engaged  in  writing  a  novel  —  that,  to  my 
guileless  mind,  seeming  the  natural  way  to  break  in. 

My  first  month  was  almost  up,  but  the  letter 
from  the  Major,  for  which  I  had  secretly  been 
hoping  all  along,  had  not  come.  So  finally  I 
began  to  plan  a  trip  to  town  to  see  how  the  Gover 
nor  was  disposed  toward  me.  If  he  were  friendly, 
I  'd  ask  him  for  a  modest  blessing;  if  he  were  n't, 
I  could  fall  back  on  my  present  job. 

And  then,  right  after  luncheon  one  day,  the 
Major's  card  was  brought  in  to  me.  He  was 
standing  by  a  window  when  I  came  into  the 
reception-room,  a  truly  splendid  figure,  well- 
groomed  and  well-poised,  the  first  man  I  had 
seen  in  that  house  who  looked  the  thoroughbred. 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL    279 

"Well,  Benedict  Arnold  Iscariot!"  I  called 
from  the  threshold,  and  the  Major  came  running. 
"Jack,  my  deah  boy!'*  he  exclaimed,  and  he 
grasped  my  hand  and  pumped  it  up  and  down 
till  tears  began  to  run  out  of  my  eyes. 

"Where  the  blank  have  you  been  all  this  time  ?" 
he  asked  reproachfully  as  I  broke  away.  "We  've 
been  huntin'  New  York  high  and  low  fo'  you  fo' 
a  month.  Yo'  father's  mighty  worried  about  you, 
Jack.  You  should  n't  do  him  this  way." 

"But  my  letters  told  you  where  I  was,"  I 
protested. 

"Yes,  suh,  and  that 's  how  I  happen  to  be  here 

now.     But   I   never  got  those   letters   until  this 

»   •   >  ?» 
mo  nm  . 

"  Here,  let 's  get  outside,  where  we  can  talk," 
I  suggested,  and  I  piloted  the  Major  out  of  the 
house. 

"This  is  dashed  sad,  Jack,"  the  Major  com 
mented  as  we  passed  through  the  great  gates  to 
the  public  road. 

"  I  don't  think  there  's  anything  so  confoundedly 
sad  about  it,"  I  returned.  "I  Ve  got  the  first 
real  job  of  my  life,  and  I  'm  earning  money,  too, 
you  bet." 

"  I  did  n't  refer  to  you,"  the  Major  returned, 
"but  to  this  blank  piece  of  vulgah  Neroism," 
and  he  indicated  the  grounds  that  we  had  just 


28o    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

left.  "To  one,  suh,  whose  tastes  were  fo'med 
in  the  old  days,  when  the  classic  simplicity  of  our 
Southern  homes  expressed  the  breedin'  of  their 
owners,  this  so't  of  thing  is  very  painful.  Blood 
will  tell,  suh,  and  bad  blood  will  tell  on  itself, 
no  matter  how  hard  the  architect  may  try  to 
impress  reticence  on  it." 

"True  for  you,  Major;  and  now,  how's  the 
Governor." 

"Yo*  father  is  well,  Jack,  and  expectin'  you; 
we  're  goin'  to  dine  with  him  at  eight  sharp  to 
night." 

"I  'm  not  so  sure  about  that,"  I  countered. 
Though  for  weeks  I  had  been  ardently  desiring 
such  an  invitation,  now  that  the  way  was  open  I 
shrank  from  the  awkwardness  of  that  first  five 
minutes.  Besides,  I  wanted  to  find  out  just 
how  far  the  Governor  was  willing  to  go  in  for 
giving  me  before  I  committed  myself  to  forgiving 
him  wholly.  I  was  feeling  pretty  tame,  but  I 
still  had  a  little  of  that  perverse  pride  which  keeps 
up  half  the  foolish  quarrels  in  the  world  —  that 
pride  which  makes  a  fellow  fear  that  a  generous 
overture  will  be  construed  as  a  confession  of 
weakness. 

The  Major,  however,  proved  to  be  the  prince 
of  peacemakers.  I  had  overheard  enough  to 
guess  what  line  he  had  been  working  along  with 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    281 

father,  and  now  the  old  fellow  went  right  to  my 
weak  spot  with: 

"Quit  yo'  meanness,  Jack.  Have  n't  you  any 
human  feelin's  ?  Have  n't  you  any  blank  bowels 
of  compassion  ?  Don't  you  know  that  yo'  po' 
old  father  has  been  eatin'  his  dashed  heart  out, 
grievin',  waitin',  hopin',  listenin',  night  after 
night,  fo'  the  footsteps  of  his  wanderin'  boy  ?" 

"He  's  had  a  queer  way  of  showing  it,"  I 
demurred. 

"How  else  could  he  show  it,  suh,  when  his  only 
son,  the  boy  that  he  was  dependin'  on  to  be  the 
prop  and  comfo't  of  his  old  age,  after  breakin* 
his  heart,  left  his  home  to  conso't  with  profligate 
companions  ?  Naturally,  suh,  he  felt  outraged 
in  his  finest  feelin's." 

"You  were  the  profligate  companions,  Major," 
I  retorted  with  a  grin.  "And  the  rest  of  it  was  n't 
so  one-sided  as  you  argue." 

"  I  know  that,  Jack,"  the  Major  answered  in  a 
milder  tone.  "Yo'  father's  a  powerful  hand  to 
make  money,  but  raisin'  children  does  n't  seem 
to  be  his  game.  Now  I  reckon  he  's  beginnin* 
to  understand  that  first  he  was  too  weak  and  then 
too  harsh  with  you;  that  he  tried  to  correct  one 
series  of  mistakes  with  another;  in  sho't,  suh,  that 
he  whip-sawed  himself  ofF  the  blank  boa'd.  He  's 
not  the  kind  to  do  any  apologisin',  but  he  wants  to 


282    JACK  SPURLOCK—  PRODIGAL 

see  you  mighty  bad,  Jack,  and  just  now  he  really 
needs  you." 

"Needs  me?  Why?"  I  questioned,  impressed 
by  something  in  the  Major's  manner. 

"  Don't  you  read  the  blank  newspapers,  suh  ? 
Have  n't  you  seen  how  that  man  in  the  White 
House  has  been  houndin'  him,  exhaustin*  the 
vocabulary  of  vituperation  on  him  and  our  other 
great  leaders  of  finance,  abusin'  them  as  male 
factors  and  criminals,  and  stirrin'  up  lawsuits 
against  them  ?  We  've  come  to  a  pretty  pass, 
suh,  when  the  Chief  Executive  undermines  con 
fidence,  destroys  prosperity,  and  wrecks  business 
by  violent  and  ill-considered  tirades  against  men 
like  yo'  honahed  father." 

And  this  from  the  author  of  that  speech  against 
"the  hell-houns'  of  the  System!"  I  stopped  short 
in  the  road  and  fixed  the  old  fellow  with  an  accus 
ing  eye. 

"Major,  you  've  been  making  money,"  I 
declared. 

For  a  moment  —  but  to  do  him  justice,  for 
only  a  moment  —  the  Major  looked  foolish. 
Then  his  chest  swelled  up,  as  it  always  did  when 
he  was  preparing  to  bluff  a  thing  out. 

"Dash  it  all,  Jack!"  he  exploded,  "why 
should  n't  I  make  money  ?  Is  it  a  blank  crime 
to  make  money  in  this  dashed  country  ?  Don't 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    283 

tell  me,  suh,  that  you,  too,  are  infected  with  the 
prevailin'  contagion!  That,  just  because  I  have 
been  tryin'  to  lay  by  some  little  provision  against 
want  in  my  old  age,  I  am  to  be  branded  as  a 
criminal  and  hounded  to  a  felon's  grave.  I 
will  not  submit  to  it,  suh  —  not  even  from 
you,  Jack!" 

"Where  did  you  get  it?  Been  speculating?'* 
I  asked,  utterly  ignoring  this  outburst. 

"  My  operations  on  the  Exchange  have  not  been 
unsuccessful,"  the  Major  returned,  his  wrath 
abating,  but  still  on  his  dignity. 

"Bully  for  you!  I  hope  you  got  away  with  a 
bale  of  their  predatory  wealth!  I  'm  with  Tom 
Lawson  —  all  for  busting  the  System  by  tak 
ing  their  hellish  gains  away  from  them,"  I 
explained. 

At  this  condoning  of  his  defection  to  the  enemy, 
the  Major  immediately  came  off  the  defensive: 
"Why  did  n't  I  know  about  this  speculatin* 
business  sooner  ?"  he  demanded.  "  It 's  my  game, 
suh.  You  can  bet  the  market  to  win,  or  copper 
it,  and  the  house  gets  its  regular  rake-off.  It 's 
just  like  faro  and  it  's  dealt  crooked  just  as  often, 
only,  by  Geo'ge,  suh,  it 's  respectable!" 

"And  the  Governor's  been  giving  you  tips  ?" 
I  hazarded. 

"Ye — es;     I  suppose  you'd  call  them  tips," 


284    JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

the  Major  replied  hesitatingly,  "though  I  have  n't 
been  playin*  them  exactly." 

"  How  not  exactly  ?" 

"Well,  suh,  it's  like  this:  While  I  did  not 
doubt  the  sincerity  of  yo'  father's  belief  in  the 
stocks  which  he  recommended  —  in  fact,  I  have 
every  reason  to  suppose  that  his  misplaced  con 
fidence  in  them  has  cost  him  a  considerable  sum 
of  money  —  my  trainin'  has  made  me  exceedin'ly 
slow  to  follow  the  advice  of  anyone  that  has  an 
interest  in  the  house  — -  and  yo'  father  deals 
oftener  than  he  plays.  So  I  coppered  his  info'- 
mation,  and,  instead  of  buyin',  sold  sho't." 

"Fine,"  I  chuckled.  "And  made  a  hog- 
killing,  by  that  self-satisfied  gleam  in  your  eye." 

"Not  as  such  things  go  on  'Change,"  the 
Major  protested  modestly.  "But  by  pressin' 
the  blank  luck  with  a  judicious  doublin'  of  my 
bets,  I  have  managed  to  clean  up  about  two 
hundred  thousand  dollars" 

"Hush,  Major,  and  quit  your  fooling.  Talk 
figures  that  I  can  understand.  Remember,  I  'm 
getting  sixty  a  month  and  board,  and  so  far  I  've 
only  seen  the  board." 

"I  'm  not  foolin',  Jack.  I  Ve  bit  every  blank 
dollar  so  often  to  make  sure  that  I  was  n't 
dreamin',  that  my  teeth  are  wo'n  down  like  an 
old  houn'  dog's." 


JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL    285 

I  stopped  short  in  the  road  and  looked  him 
over.  He  was  undoubtedly  in  earnest  and  not 
crazy  —  at  least  not  crazier  than  usual.  "Then, 
Major,  salt  it,"  I  implored.  "Bury  it,  tie  it  up 
in  trust,  buy  an  annuity,  get  yourself  arrested  and 
locked  up,  anything  that  '11  fix  you  so  you  can't 
go  back  to  Wall  Street  for  more,"  and  I  grabbed 
his  arm  as  if  he  were  about  to  bolt  back  to  break 
the  bank. 

"My  deah  Jack,"  the  simple  old  fox  answered. 
"I  retired  from  business  yesterday  mo'nin'  and 
invested  my  principal  in  bonds,  a  fo'm  of  wealth 
to  which  I  have  always  been  extremely  partial. 
At  the  favourable  prices  prevailing  owin'  to  the 
injudicious  attacks  of  the  President  on  vested 
interests,  they  will  yield  me  a  little  mo'  than  ten 
thousand  a  year  —  not  much  by  the  extravagant 
standards  of  the  age,  but  enough  fo'  an  old  fellow 
of  my  simple  tastes.  As  fo'  goin'  back  fo'  mo', 
only  a  blank  business  man  would  do  that.  One 
whose  profession,  like  mine,  suh,  has  necessitated 
a  close  study  of  the  laws  of  chance,  knows  that  to 
tempt  Fo'tune  again,  after  such  a  run  of  luck, 
would  be  to  tempt  her  to  administer  the  chastise 
ment  that  such  unworthy  hoggishness  would 
deserve.  I  've  been  waitin'  twenty  years  fo'  the 
blank  luck  to  change,  and  now  that  it  has  changed 
I  'm  goin'to  play  a  certainty.  The  only  certainty  I 


286    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

know  of  suh,  is  first  mo'tgage  bonds,  with  the 
interest  payable  semi-annually  in  gold  at  yo' 
bankers,"  and  the  Major  parted  with  the  last  of  his 
dignity  in  a  whoop  of  joy.  Then  for  ten  minutes  we 
fraternised  all  over  the  road,  shaking  hands, 
slapping  each  other  on  the  back,  and  exchanging 
incoherent  sentences  beginning,  "You  told  me 
the  blank  luck  was  due  to  change  when  we 

were "  and,  "To  think,  suh,  that  only  a  few 

weeks  ago,  in  Baltimo',  we  were  sufferin'  fo'  the 
bare " 

A  long  squabble  over  the  cheque  which  I  had 
turned  back  to  the  Major's  account  followed, 
but  finally  I  made  him  see  that  I  could  n't  take 
half  his  winnings  when  he  had  furnished  the  stake, 
the  luck,  and  the  wit  to  know  that  he  had  been 
cheated.  My  contention  that,  if  the  Governor 
and  I  were  to  be  friends,  I  should  start  fair  with 
him  and  not  employ  even  a  "justifiable  stratagem  " 
to  win  his  good  opinion,  brought  him  grudgingly  to 
my  way  of  thinking.  Then  I  persuaded  him 
that  in  common  decency  I  could  n't  leave  the 
Bonsalls  before  the  next  morning,  so  we  pushed 
on  to  the  village,  where  the  Major  telephoned 
the  Governor  that  it  was  all  right,  but  to  postpone 
the  dinner  for  twenty-four  hours  and  on  no 
account  to  forget  the  terrapin. 

As  it  was  still  early  and  lessons  were  over  for 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    287 

the  day,  the  Major  decided  to  return  to  the 
Bonsalls  with  me.  Half-way  there  we  stepped 
aside  to  yield  the  road  to  a  horseman  who  was 
cantering  toward  us  on  a  hunter  which  the  Major 
viewed  with  approving  eyes.  But,  instead  of 
keeping  on,  the  man  pulled  up  when  he  saw  us, 
and  sang  out  joyously: 

"Hullo,  sporty  boy  Spur!  Where  did  you 
come  from  ?" 

It  was  Owen  Corliss,  an  old  Harvard  pal, 
whose  family  I  had  often  heard  the  Bonsalls 
mention  with  mingled  despair  and  reverence, 
for  they  had  held  their  union  cards  in  the  Four 
Hundred  for  a  generation. 

I  was  n't  glad  to  meet  Owen,  but  I  answered 
cordially  and  sought  to  divert  his  attention  from 
myself  by  introducing  the  Major.  But  he  per 
sisted  in  being  glad  to  see  me. 

"Where  you  stopping?"  he  demanded. 

"At  the  Bonsalls,"  I  admitted,  and  added  by 
way  of  palliation,  "but  I  'm  going  back  to  town 
to-morrow."  On  occasion  I  can  be  something 
of  a  snob  myself. 

"Oh,"  he  commented  politely,  but  expressively. 
Then:  "I  say,  can't  you  cut  out  to-night  and 
dine  at  our  place;  there  's  an  awfully  jolly  crowd 
staying  with  us  ?  And  bring  Major  Jackson," 
he  concluded  hospitably. 


288    JACK  SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

I  hesitated.  It  was  a  long  time  since  I  'd  had 
any  fun  that  I  had  n't  had  to  keep  to  myself, 
and  the  thought  of  an  evening  with  a  lot  of  jolly 
young  people  was  more  than  a  temptation;  it 
was  a  fall.  "We  '11  be  there,"  I  answered,  and 
Owen  rode  away  with  a  farewell,  "  Bully!  Dinner 
at  eight." 

Mrs.  Bonsall  was  out  calling  when  we  got  back, 
so  we  went  up  to  the  school-room  and,  as  the 
Major  expressed  a  curiosity  to  see  how  the  blank 
cards  would  run  after  his  colossal  luck  of  the  past 
month,  we  started  a  friendly  game  of  freeze-out. 

We  had  hardly  picked  up  our  first  hands  when 
that  tiresome  cub  Clarence,  whom  I  had  thought 
safely  out  of  the  way  for  the  afternoon,  burst  into 
the  room. 

"Ho!  Ho!"  he  exclaimed.  "Caught  in  the 
act!  Playin*  poker!  Gimme  a  stack." 

I  nodded  in  answer  to  the  question  in  the 
Major's  eye,  for  the  youth's  father  sometimes 
played  with  him  of  an  evening. 

"What's  the  limit?"  Clarence  demanded  as 
the  Major  pushed  a  stack  toward  him. 

"The  ceiling,"  I  answered,  for  we  were,  of 
course,  playing  "for  fun." 

"And   what   are  you   calling  the   chips?" 

"Oh!  call  'em  anything  you  please.  It  does  n't 
make  any  difference." 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     289 

"Well,  let 's  say  a  dollar  apiece,"  and  Clarence 
cut  with  a  deftness  that  made  the  Major  open 
his  eyes. 

It  was  lucky,  I  thought  as  the  game  proceeded, 
that  we  were  n't  playing  for  real  money.  I  held 
wretched  hands,  and,  as  the  Major  repeatedly 
observed,  the  game  was  a  heaven-sent  warning 
to  him.  For  Clarence,  little  demon  that  he  was, 
the  devil's  picture-cards  seemed  to  run  in  any 
combination  which  he  needed  to  beat  us. 

Finally,  both  because  the  game  was  tiresome, 
now  that  we  could  n't  talk  freely,  and  because 
Clarence's  impertinence  was  heating  up  the 
Major  to  the  danger  point,  I  made  an  excuse 
for  stopping. 

Clarence  assented  readily  and  began  to  count 
his  chips.  "These  call  for  eighty-three  bones 
from  the  Major  and  fifty-six  from  you,"  he  said 
as  he  finished. 

"Yes;  you  were  very  lucky,"  I  replied  pleasantly. 
"And  now,  if  you  '11  excuse  us,  we  have  a  little 
business  to  talk  over." 

"All    right;    but    cash    in    first." 

There  was  a  moment's  stony  silence  while  I 
looked  Clarence  in  the  eye,  and  saw  his  shriveled 
little  soul  there,  though  he  tried  to  stare  back 
unconcernedly. 

"Tut!  tut!   Master  Clarence,"  the   Major  ex- 


290    JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

claimed.  "You  know  very  well,  suh,  that  we 
were  playin'  fo'  fun.  I  'm  not  in  the  habit  of 
gamblin'  with  little  boys.'* 

"Yes;  I  see  you  play  for  fun  when  you  lose," 
sneered  Clarence.  "You  heard  me  make  these 
chips  a  dollar  apiece.  Ain't  that  so,  Spurlock  ?" 
But  he  did  n't  look  at  me  again. 

I  was  too  ashamed  for  the  boy  to  have  any 
heart  in  denying  it,  so  I  only  answered: 

"I  did  not  understand  it  that  way." 

But  the  Major  had  already  taken  out  his  pocket- 
book  and  handed  eighty  three  dollars  to  Clarence. 
"Shall  I  pay  him  fo'  you,  too,  Jack?"  he  asked, 
more  cheerfully  than  the  circumstances  seemed 
to  warrant. 

"No;   I   can't   permit  that." 

"But  you  can  give  me  your  I  O  U  till  to 
morrow,"  Clarence  suggested.  "Your  wages  are 
due  then;  though  you  should  n't  have  played 
at  all  unless  you  could  pay  cash  if  you  lost,"  he 
added  virtuously. 

"Do  it,  Jack,"  the  Major  commanded  grimly, 
and  I  handed  the  young  pup  an  I  O  U  for  fifty- 
six  dollars  of  my  pitiful  salary. 

"Well,  so  long,"  said  Clarence  defiantly,  as  he 
buttoned  up  the  spoils. 

"Not  so  fast,  suh,"  the  Major  demurred. 
"You  have  n't  got  all  that 's  comin*  to  you 


JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    291 

yet,"  and,  seizing  the  astounded  youth,  he  laid 
him  across  his  knees  and  spanked  him  lovingly, 
lingeringly  and  artistically,  until  he  roared  for 
mercy. 

"Now  go  back  to  the  servants'  hall  where  you 
belong,  suh,"  he  admonished. 

Once  free,  Clarence  paused  only  long  enough  to 
shake  his  fist  at  us  and  to  call  back:  "I  '11  fix  you, 
you  damned  old  sharper;  and  you,  too,  Mister 
Jack  Spurlock.  You  '11  be  fired  for  this,  you  see 
if  you  ain't." 

"And  I  wanted  to  leave  a  nice  impression!" 
I  exclaimed  ruefully.  "Well,  it 's  taught  me  one 
lesson:  I  '11  never  play  poker  for  fun  again  as  long 
as  I  live." 

There  was  small  fear  that  Clarence  would  tell 
his  mother  about  the  game;  he  would  have  to 
invent  some  lie  to  get  even.  So  when  I  saw  the 
carriage  roll  up  to  the  door  a  little  later  I  went 
down  to  meet  her  confidently.  The  Major, 
like  a  brave  warrior,  never  courted  unneces 
sary  danger,  so  he  slipped  out  to  a  near-by  summer- 
house  to  wait  for  me. 

I  caught  Mrs.  Bonsall  in  the  hall,  and,  as 
usual,  began  with  a  blunder. 

"Oh!  Mrs.  Bonsall!"  I  announced,  "I'm 
going  to  dine  with  some  friends  to-night,  and  I 
may  not  be  back  until  late." 


292    JACK   SPURLOCK  — PRODIGAL 

There  was  an  assurance  in  my  manner  that 
did  n't  just  please  my  lady. 

"Who  are  these  friends?"  she  demanded 
sharply.  "You  know  I  don't  like  to  have  any 
one  out  late."  From  her,  "anyone"  meant  a 
servant. 

Even  then  I  should  have  lied  to  her  out  of 
sheer  goodness  of  heart,  if  I  'd  thought,  for  I 
might  have  known  that  she  would  n't  relish  the 
idea  of  my  dining  at  a  house  where  she  was  n't 
received.  But  she  seemed  to  be  in  such  a  hurry 
for  an  answer  that  she  rattled  me,  and,  rather 
than  keep  a  lady  waiting,  I  told  her  the  truth. 

"With  the  Corlisses,"  and  then  I  saw  that  I 
had  done  it. 

"What  Corlisses  ?"  she  demanded  in  an  awful 
voice. 

"Our  neighbours,"  I  answered  with  a  little 
secret  gratification,  I  confess,  now  that  the  mis 
chief  was  done.  "Owen  Corliss  is  an  old  class 
mate  of  mine." 

"You  can't  go,"  she  snapped.  "I  need  you 
to  fill  a  place  at  the  table  here." 

"I  'm  afraid  I  '11  have  to  go,"  I  answered, 
politely,  but  firmly.  "You  see,  I  've  already 
accepted." 

"Then  unaccept." 

I   still   kept   my  temper,   though   I   saw  that, 


JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL    293 

quite  regardless  of  the  quality  of  Clarence's  lie, 
I  was  n't  going  to  leave  that  pleasant  impression 
behind  me.  "  I  'm  sorry,  but  it 's  quite  im 
possible  " 

"  If  you  go  out  to-night  you  need  n't  come  back.'* 

''As  you  please,"  I  answered  with  aggravating 
coolness.  "  I  was  planning  to  leave  you  to " 

"  Pack  your  things  and  get  out  instantly.  I  '11 
send  a  cheque  for  your  wages  to  your  room." 

"There  's  only  four  dollars  due,"  I  informed 
her.  "And  you  might  hand  that  to  the  butler 
for  me;  he  's  been  very  attentive.  The  balance 
belongs  to  Clarence." 

"  So  that 's  where  the  poor  child's  spending 
money  has  been  going  to!  You  've  been  borrow 
ing  it  of  him,  you  rascal." 

"Not  exactly,"  I  laughed.  "The  little  devil 
won  it  from  me  at  poker,"  and  I  left  her  stuttering 
for  vowels  to  fill  out  the  dashes  in  her  expletives. 

I  was  n't  long  about  packing  and  getting  one 
of  the  men  to  take  my  trunk  out  to  the  stable. 
As  I  followed  it  past  the  nursery  door  I  saw 
Dorothy  sitting  there,  scowling  her  dislike  at  me. 
On  the  instant  I  had  a  holy  inspiration.  Stepping 
inside  I  laid  the  unsuspecting  brat  over  my  knees, 
and  gave  her  the  first  spanking  she  had  ever  had. 
And  it  was  a  sound  one  —  sixty  dollars'  worth. 
Then  I  politely  restored  her  to  her  place  on  the  floor, 


294    JACK   SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL 

and  left  her  gathering  breath  for  a  howl  which 
would  properly  proclaim  the  insult  to  her  dignity. 

On  the  way  to  the  stables  I  picked  up  the 
Major.  A  messenger  had  already  brought  his 
bag  from  the  city,  and  we  were  soon  settled  in  the 
little  village  hotel.  There  the  Major  skinned  a 
hundred-dollar  bill  from  his  roll,  and  insisted 
on  my  taking  it.  "Just  to  give  you  confidence," 
he  explained.  "You  look  a  little  fagged,  and 
money's  a  great  tonic  to  the  feelin's." 

"I  will  feel  better  for  having  it  in  my  pocket," 
I  admitted.  "To  tell  the  truth,  Major,  I  'm 
beginning  to  get  discouraged.  I  seem  to  be  an 
all-round  frost.  I  came  out  here  with  the  purest 
and  holiest  intentions,  and  look  at  my  bum  finish. 
I  Ve  eaten  dirt  for  a  month,  and  what  do  I  make 
out  of  it  ?  Not  even  a  mud  pie  ?  How  the 
deuce  can  I  go  to  the  Governor  to-morrow  and 
expect  him  to  fondle  me  as  his  fair-haired  boy, 
with  this  record  behind  me  ?" 

"My  deah  Jack,"  the  Major  returned  sooth 
ingly,  "if  you  will  be  discreet  and  spare  yo*  father 
useless  and  painful  details  —  no  suh!  I  am  not 
counselin'  you  to  deceive  him,  but  simply  to 
repress  yo'  passion  fo'  harrowin'  his  feelin's  — 
you  will  sho'tly  find  yo'self  in  touch  with  a  bank 
account  which  will  relieve  you  of  all  these  so'did 
and  ungentlemanly  little  worries." 


JACK  SPURLOCK  —  PRODIGAL     295 

I  made  no  answer,  for  like  every  real  difference 
in  life,  ours  was  simply  a  difference  in  the  point  of 
view.  What  the  Bonsalls  regarded  as  enviable 
elegance,  was  vulgar  ostentation  to  the  Corlisses. 
The  men  whom  the  Major  called  the  hell-hounds 
of  the  System  on  an  empty  stomach,  were  our 
great  leaders  of  finance  after  he  had  eaten  their 
grouse.  And  to  me,  with  a  borrowed  hundred- 
dollar  bill  in  my  pocket,  the  steam  of  the  flesh-pots 
smelled  savory;  but  deep  down  I  knew  that,  once 
I  'd  laid  on  a  little  fat,  I  should  not  be  content  to 
wear  a  Wall  Street  ball  and  chain,  even  if  it  were 
of  solid  gold. 


CHAPTER  XII 

IN   WHICH   THE    PRODIGAL   GOES    HOME 

A  PPARENTLY,  suh,"  quoth  the  Major, 
JL\.  as  we  limped  up  to  the  Corliss  front 
door  in  the  village  hack,  "this  place  was  built 
fo*  a  home,  and  not  fo'  a  blank  roadhouse." 

It  was  a  rambling  old  Colonial  mansion,  with 
a  broad  sweep  of  lawn  down  to  the  park  of  noble 
trees  through  which  we  had  been  driving.  We 
caught  glimpses  of  a  charming  old-fashioned 
flower  garden  at  one  side  of  the  house,  but  in 
planting  the  place  the  owner's  efforts  had  evi 
dently  been  directed  only  toward  enhancing  its 
natural  beauties.  No  anachronistic  trees  or  shrubs 
had  been  used;  nothing  stuck  out  from  the  rest 
and  clamoured  for  attention;  everything  belonged. 

There  was  no  make-up  on  the  face  of  nature 
here  —  no  rouging  and  enamelling  and  blondining 
of  the  simple  old  lady  until  she  looked  like  a 
Broadway  chorus  girl.  There  were  no  hectic 
beds  of  geraniums  and  cannas,  no  varicolored 
foliage  plants,  no  "specimen"  trees  of  strange 
shape  and  habit.  There  was  no  joshing  and 
making  ridiculous  the  honest  Long  Island  land- 

296 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     297 

scape.  There  were  no  fussy,  little,  pot-bellied 
evergreens  from  the  Orient,  looking  like  squat 
heathen  idols;  no  sheared  and  barbered  spruces, 
reminding  one  of  fortune-hunting  Italian  counts 
with  pointed  beards;  no  mincing,  priggish  little 
bushes,  with  their  hair  neatly  cut  and  plastered 
down;  no  twisted  and  pathetic  freaks,  grown  and 
exploited  by  heartless  nurserymen  for  buyers 
with  the  souls  of  dime-museum  keepers. 

A  man's  grounds  are  as  good  an  index  to  his 
character  as  his  house.  When  I  pass  a  place 
where  fine  forest  trees  have  been  cut  down  to  make 
room  for  parvenu  plants,  I  know  that  the  owner 
starves  his  poor  old  mother  in  an  attic  room; 
and  when  I  see  a  lawn  with  knobby  little  ever 
greens  and  dinky  little  shrubs  spotted  all  over 
it,  and  a  bed  of  elephant's  ears  on  one  side  of 
the  drive  and  one  of  cannas  on  the  other,  I  know 
that  while  the  owner  may  have  a  heart  of  gold, 
he  would  wear  tan  shoes  with  a  frock  coat,  and 
that  his  womenfolk  are  the  kind  who  force  fre 
quent  changes  in  the  fashions  by  trying  to  follow 
them.  So  I  understood  and  sympathised  with 
the  Major  when  he  intimated  that  there  was  no 
mistaking  the  Corliss  place  for  Central  Park 
West  or  a  Dutch  beer  garden. 

When  anyone  entered  the  Bonsall  palaee 
everything  shrieked,  "How  expensive  I  am!" 


298     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

One  was  hit  squarely  between  the  eyes  in  the 
hallway,  and  landed  gasping  and  breathless 
among  the  gilded  glories  of  the  drawing-room. 
But  in  the  Corliss  house  there  was  a  mellowness 
and  harmony  of  colour  that  satisfied;  an  air  of 
ease  and  comfort  that  soothed.  One  simply 
felt  that  everything  was  right  and  let  it  go  at 
that.  Nothing  in  the  house  demanded  attention; 
everything  was  worth  it.  We  felt  at  home  even 
before  we  had  been  announced  and  welcomed  in 
the  library  by  Owen  and  his  father,  a  bon  vivant 
with  a  bad  liver,  but  withal  a  kindly  old  buck  and 
a  famous  antiquarian  in  his  chosen  field  of  re 
search  —  vintage  wines.  He  and  the  Major 
fraternised  at  once  and  were  soon  deep  in  a 
learned  discussion  on  the  right  way  to  mix  a 
mint  julep.  From  that  the  conversation  natu 
rally  passed  to  the  old-fashioned  whiskey-cocktail, 
and  so  movingly  did  the  Major  deplore  its  passing, 
and  so  eloquently  did  he  expatiate  on  its  merits, 
that  when  the  butler  brought  the  martinis,  Mr. 
Corliss  waved  them  away  and  asked  the  Major 
to  prove  his  assertions.  So  three  or  four  of 
us  retired  to  a  little  den  of  Mr.  Corliss'  to  witness 
the  demonstration. 

"I  know,  suh,"  began  the  Major  when  the 
butler  returned  with  the  ingredients,  "that  many 
gentlemen  whose  opinion  is  entitled  to  respect 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     299 

use  rye  in  compoundin'  this  —  er  —  ambrosial 
beverage,  but  fo'  myself,  I  have  never  felt  that  a 
perfect  result  could  be  obtained  except  with  Bou'bon, 
a  feelin'  which  was  shared,  I  may  add,  by  the 
mo'  discriminatin'  members  of  the  Pendennis 
Club  of  Louisville,  and  in  such  matters  they 
were,  I  think  we  may  safely  concede,  the  final 
authority.  There,  suh,"  he  concluded,  handing 
Mr.  Corliss  his;  "titillate  yo'  palate  with  that, 
and  then  tell  me  whether  I  have  overstated 
the  case.  I  shall  bow  to  yo'  decision.  There 
is  no  appeal  from  Caesar,  suh." 

The  Major  touched  glasses  with  his  smiling 
host.  "Yo'  health,  suh,  and  the  old  state," 
he  gave,  and  they  bowed  to  each  other.  As  he 
lifted  his  eyes  the  Major  caught  one  of  the  younger 
men  gulping  down  his  cocktail.  "Drink  it 
slowly,  suh,"  he  admonished,  raising  a  warning 
hand,  "and  show  proper  respect  fo'  age.  That 
Bou'bon,  suh,  was  a  contemporary  of  the  late 
lamented  Henry  Clay." 

"Isn't  he  an  old  dear?"  I  heard  a  familiar 
voice  exclaim  from  the  doorway  behind  me,  and 
turning,  I  looked  into  the  eyes  of  Anita  Grey. 

"Anita!"  I  gasped. 

"Dee-lighted!"  she  laughed  back,  sticking 
out  her  tongue  in  imitation  of  that  sickening 
Teddy-bear. 


300     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

"What  in  the  world  are  you  doing  here?"  I 
demanded,  ignoring  the  unconventional  form 
of  her  greeting.  Some  memories  are  too  painful. 
Most  of  mine  are. 

"Visiting,  of  course,"  she  answered.  "I  'm 
getting  to  be  a  professional  visitor  nowadays." 
And  right  there  our  conversation  was  cut  short 
by  Mr.  Corliss,  who  presented  the  Major  to 
Anita  and  told  him  to  take  her  in  to  dinner. 

The  others  had  all  come  into  the  library  by 
this  time,  and  I  drew  a  stunning  girl,  but  she  gave 
me  up  after  the  first  five  minutes.  For  the  sight 
of  the  Major  getting  acquainted  with  Anita  had 
thrown  me  into  an  agony  of  apprehension.  From 
my  place  across  the  table  I  could  not  catch  what 
they  were  saying,  but  by  watching  their  faces 
I  could  follow  the  course  of  their  conversation 
and  see  how  it  was  progressing  from  polite  talk 
about  country  life  to  more  personal  topics.  Then 
the  Major  told  a  story  —  some  awful  remi 
niscence  of  our  life  together,  I  was  sure  —  and 
Anita  began  to  question  him  eagerly.  All  this 
time  I  had  been  vainly  endeavouring  to  catch 
the  Major's  eye,  but  Anita  looked  up  suddenly 
and  I  caught  hers,  just  when  my  face  was  con 
torted  in  a  hideous  warning  to  the  Major  to  shut 
up.  Anita  smiled  back  pleasantly,  made  some 
comment  which  caused  the  Major  to  grin,  and 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     301 

then  he  told  a  new  one  on  me  which  was  apparently 
the  best  yet. 

All  through  dinner  their  heads  kept  getting 
closer  and  closer  —  how  I  wished  that  I  could 
bump  them  together  —  and  their  voices  lower 
and  lower,  until  by  the  time  coffee  was  served 
they  were  almost  whispering. 

"Would  she  never  pump  him  dry?"  I  kept 
asking  myself  fiercely.  "Could  n't  the  old  fool 
see  that  she  was  working  him  like  creamery 
butter  ?  Had  he  no  decent  reserves,  were  there 
no  incidents  in  our  career  that  he  held  too  sacred 
for  the  casual  and  curious  ear  ?  Apparently  not. 
He  gave  up  like  a  trained  dog.  He  dug  up  the 
buried  bones  of  my  awful  past,  and  with  each 
pat  on  the  head  scratched  deeper  in  his  memory. 
I  had  never  seen  the  Major  with  a  pretty  woman 
before,  but  I  might  have  known  that  what  no 
man  could  take  from  him  by  force,  any  pretty 
woman  could  get  for  a  smile.  Beside  him,  Samson 
after  his  hair-cut  was  adamant  with  the  girls. 
How  I  blamed  myself  for  having  introduced  him 
to  Owen  Corliss!  How  I  hoped  that  he  would 
choke,  or  at  least  glance  at  me  again,  that  I  might 
strike  him  dumb  with  one  awful  look  of  scorn 
and  contempt.  Yet  when  I  did  finally  catch  his 
eye  as  the  women  left  us,  he  did  n't  wither,  or 
droop  even  —  only  regarded  me  with  a  benevo- 


302     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

lent  smile,  quite  as  if  he  expected  me  to  feel 
flattered  at  having  proved  so  prolific  a  source  of 
humorous  anecdote. 

On  the  way  to  the  drawing-room  I  could  n't 
reproach  him,  because  he  went  out  arm  in  arm 
with  Mr.  Corliss.  So  I  brought  up  the  rear, 
my  bearing  in  pitiful  contrast  to  what  I  had 
planned  it  should  be.  For  going  out  to  dinner 
I  had  decided  that  I  should  at  least  win  Anita's 
respect  by  putting  up  a  dignified,  reserved  front, 
and  then  her  sympathy  perhaps,  by  hinting  that 
my  life,  though  dark  and  stormy,  had  been  one 
of  manly  and  not  altogether  unsuccessful  effort 
to  make  a  place  for  myself  in  the  great  world. 
And  now  the  Major  had  made  me  look  like  the 
Katzen jammer  kids  in  the  eyes  of  the  only  person 
whom  I  cared  to  have  take  me  seriously. 

Following  this  unpleasant  line  of  thought 
I  detached  myself  from  the  other  men,  and  slunk 
across  the  library  to  an  open  French  window 
which  gave  on  the  terrace.  As  I  stood  there 
looking  out  at  the  blackness,  a  white  arm  reached 
in  and  gently  pulled  me  outside.  I  did  n't 
struggle,  for  before  I  had  slunk  over  to  the 
window,  I  had  caught  sight  of  a  familiar  figure 
disappearing  through  it.  I  was  determined  that 
the  Major  should  n't  get  away  with  all  the 
honours  for  weakness  if  I  could  prevent  it. 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     303 

For  a  moment  I  stood  beside  Anita  in  the  light 
from  the  window,  while  she  looked  at  me  with 
serious  eyes  in  which  I  saw  something  that  made 
my  heart  beat  quicker.  Then,  side  by  side,  we 
stepped  out  on  the  lawn. 

Anita  broke  the  silence.  "Tell  me  about  it, 
Jack,"  she  began  softly;  "tell  me  why  you  left?" 

"I  rather  fancy  the  Major  has  done  that 
already,"  I  replied  in  a  voice  which,  despite  my 
efforts,  was  just  a  little  aggressive. 

But  Anita  paid  no  attention  to  that.  "He 
told  me  why  you  'd  left  your  father,"  she  con 
tinued,  "but  I  'd  known  that  all  along.  What 
he  could  n't  tell  me  was  why  you  'd  left  me. 
And  he  was  polite  enough  to  say  that  he  could  n't 
understand  it,  either." 

"You  knew  that  all  along!"  I  echoed.  "You 
knew  it  when  you  broke  your  engagement  with 
Brooke  Churchill  —  and  that  night  at  Mrs. 
Hamilton's  when  you  —  when  you  - 

"When  I  tried  to  propose  to  you,"  Anita  said, 
completing  the  embarrassing  sentence.  "Yes, 
I  knew  it  then." 

"And   still  you  were  willing - 

"Yes." 

Then  I  woke  up  to  the  fact  that  I  was  holding 
Anita's  hand,  that  I  had  been  holding  it  ever 
since  I  had  stepped  through  the  French  window. 


3o4     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

Some  way,  it  seemed  as  if  it  would  look  rude  and 
pointed  if  I  released  it  just  then,  even  though  I 
was  determined  to  prove  myself  a  lineal  descend 
ant  of  the  early  Christian  martyrs  before  the 
evening  was  over,  so  I  kept  right  on  holding  it. 
The  evening  had  only  just  begun. 

I  wonder  whether  those  young  Romeos  in  novels 
really  do  make  love  so  smoothly  and  talk  in  such 
poetic  and  well-rounded  sentences  to  the  heroine, 
or  whether  the  average  love-scene  is  n't  purely 
fiction,  a  symbol,  standing  for  an  ideal  result 
that  no  one  ever  gets,  except,  perhaps,  the  fellow 
who  is  n't  in  earnest.  It 's  awfully  easy  to  be  glib 
and  gabby  when  one's  flirting,  but  when  I  really 
feel  deeply  I  can't  find  many  words.  And  when 
it 's  Anita  that  I  'm  feeling  deeply  about,  I  choke 
on  my  Adam's  apple  and  stumble  over  my  own 
feet.  So  I  blurted  it  all  out  in  a  few  awkward 
sentences. 

"I  love  you,  Anita.  I  always  shall  love  you 
—  I  don't  need  to  tell  you  that " 

"No;  but  please  do,  Jack.     I  like  to  hear  it." 

"  Do  you  mean  that,  Anita  ?  Some  way,  I 
never  believed  that  you  could  love  me;  I  can't 
quite  believe  it  yet." 

"But  I  do  —  dearly,  Jack,"  Anita  returned, 
pressing  my  hand  by  way  of  emphasis. 

"  Don't,    Anita  —  you    won't    understand,"    I 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     305 

protested.  "I'm  no  good  at  anything;  I'm 
a  failure  at  everything.  It 's  true  I  'm  making 
up  with  the  Governor,  and  I  suppose  he  'd  allow 
ance  me  and  make  it  possible  for  us  to  marry. 
But  I  don't  want  even  you  on  those  terms.  I 
simply  must  fight  it  out." 

"Of  course  you  must,  Jack,  but  we  '11  fight  it 
out  together." 

"No,  no,"  I  dissented  vehemently.  "That 
would  n't  be  decent  of  me  or  fair  to  you,"  and  then 
I  put  my  arm  around  Anita's  waist  and  drew  her 
to  me  in  an  agony  of  renunciation. 

A  minute  later,  or  perhaps  it  was  two  —  I  don't 
remember  —  Anita  said:  "Now,  Jack,  be  sensible 
for  a  minute  and  listen  to  me.  You  know  when 
father  died  —  it  was  dear  of  you  to  send  me  those 
violets  when  you  were  so  poor  —  well,  he  did  n't 
leave  a  million  —  only  enough  to  give  me  about 
twelve  hundred  a  year.  And  you  know  what 
twelve  hundred  a  year  means  among  these  people. 
Of  course,  I  can  spend  half  my  time  living  in 
luxury  on  my  friends,  and  the  other  half  scrimping 
along  on  my  twelve  hundred.  If  I  were  a  little 
older  and  all  this  had  become  my  fixed  idea 
of  happiness,  as  it  would,  I  suppose,  some  day, 
I  'd  probably  swallow  the  insults  with  the  wine, 
and  stoop  to  all  the  petty  meannesses  and  make 
shifts  of  a  life  of  poverty  in  palaces." 


306     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

"Or  marry  Brooke  Churchill,"  I  suggested, 
"and  have  a  palace  of  your  own." 

"Or  marry  Brooke  Churchill,  whom  I  don't 
love,"  assented  Anita,  "or  you,  whom  I  do.  I 
prefer  to  marry  you,  Jack.  I'd  rather  make- 
believe  a  palace  than  make-believe  love." 

This  was  such  dangerous  ground  that  to  keep 
firm  in  my  resolution  I  had  to  take  Anita  in  my 
arms  and  renounce  her  again. 

"Now,  dear,"  she  continued,  when  the  inter 
ruption  was  over,  "we  must  cut  New  York  and 
all  its  works,  and  go  to  some  place  where  life 
is  n't  so  complex " 

"And  so  expensive,"  I  added. 

"And  where  happiness  is  n't  things  you  buy, 
but  things  you  do.  You  must  find  such  a  place, 
Jack,  and  take  me  there." 

"I  have  found  such  a  place,"  I  answered,  "and 
I  'm  going  there  to-morrow,  but  it  would  n't  be 
right  to  take  you.  You  've  heard  me  speak  of 
Uncle  Bill,  who  won't  conform  and  who  lives  in 
his  own  sweet  way,  to  the  bitter  disgust  of  the 
Governor.  He  owns  a  newspaper  in  Cafion 
City,  a  town  of  eight  or  ten  thousand  at  the  foot 
of  the  Continental  Divide  in  Colorado,  and  runs 
a  mountain  ranch  —  one  of  those  natural  parks 
back  in  the  range.  Well,  I  wrote  him  last  week 
for  a  job  on  his  paper,  and  I  got  it  this  morning 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     307 

at  twenty  dollars  a  week.  It 's  a  start,  but  it  's 
only  the  beginning  of  a  long  pull.  It 's  better 
for  you  to  be  unhappy  for  a  little  while  now,  than 
for  me  to  take  you  to  a  frontier  town,  away  from 
everything  and  everybody  you  Ve  known  and 
liked,  and  perhaps  condemn  you  to  a  lifetime  of 
unhappiness." 

"  I  Ve  always  loved  Colorado  and  the  moun 
tains,"  Anita  commented  irrelevantly,  "and  as 
for  ranch  life,  I  know  of  nothing  more  delightful. 
Twenty  and  twenty-five  make  forty-five  a  week. 
I  shall  be  very,  very  economical,  Jack  —  oh! 
I  Ve  been  learning  too!  And  we  shall  make 
out  famously." 

We  were  back  near  the  house  now,  and  I  hur 
ried  toward  it,  for  I  felt  that  I  was  weakening. 
On  the  terrace  I  turned  to  say  the  final  word 
to  Anita. 

"Don't  tempt  me  any  more,  Anita,"  I  pleaded. 
"You  know  how  rotten  weak  I  am,"  and  I  kissed 
her  good-bye  forever  some  ten  or  twenty  times. 

Apparently  she  did  n't  understand  that  it  was 
good-bye,  for  she  kept  right  on,  and,  of  course, 
I  could  n't  rush  away  while  she  was  talking  with 
out  seeming  awfully  rude. 

"You  can  't  seem  to  understand,  Jack,  that 
I  want  to  start  poor.  People  who  start  rich 
don't  seem  to  stay  married.  There  's  something 


3o8      JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

in  fighting  it  out  together  that  makes  love  last, 
and  I  don't  want  anything,  Jack,  for  which  I  've 
got  to  give  even  the  least  bit  of  your  love." 

"  It  's  bully  of  you,  Anita,  to  feel  that  way, 
but  I  can't  let  you  do  it,"  I  protested. 

Anita  stamped  her  foot.  "  I  did  n't  know  you 
could  be  so  obstinate,  Jack  Spurlock,"  she  cried 
and  disappeared  through  the  window.  I  followed 
more  slowly  and  saw  her,  with  cheeks  flushed 
and  eyes  sparkling,  carrying  on  an  animated 
conversation  with  the  Major.  Finally,  after 
nodding  reassuringly,  the  old  fellow  walked  across 
to  me. 

"Step  outside  a  minute,  Jack,"  he  began;  "I 
want  to  have  a  little  serious  conversation  with  you." 

"You  bet  I  will,"  I  answered,  delighted  at 
this  opportunity  to  quarrel  with  some  one.  "  What 
the  devil  do  you  mean  by  giving  up  your  immortal 
soul  and  all  my  personal  affairs  to  Anita?" 

"My  deah  boy,"  the  Major  returned  mildly, 
as  we  began  to  walk  the  terrace,  "  I  really  could  n't 
add  anything  of  impo'tance  to  the  young  lady's 
info'mation.  She  knows  you  like  the  Old  Testa 
ment,  suh,  and  she  's  had  a  tola'bly  good  religious 
trainin'  of  the  kind  we  used  to  get  befo'  a  frivolous 
and  light-minded  generation  abolished  Hell. 
Of  cou'se  she  was  anxious  to  know  just  what  you 
had  been  doin',  and  considerin'  the  tender  natchah 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     309 

of  yo'  relations  with  her,  suh,  I  saw  no  harm  in 
impartin'  to  her  some  of  the  mo*  amusin* 
incidents  - 

"Yes,  I  saw  you  giving  me  the  laugh,"  I  inter 
rupted  bitterly.  "But  let  that  go  now;  I  want 
to  get  away  from  here  quick,  before  I  make  a 
bigger  ass  of  myself  than  I  have  already." 

"That,  suh,  would  be  layin'  out  fo*  yo'self 
the  labours  of  Hercules,"  the  Major  returned. 

"What  do  you  mean  by  that?"  I  demanded, 
angry  in  earnest  now. 

"What  do  I  mean  by  that,  suh  F  What  do  I 
mean  by  that?"  the  Major  roared.  "I  mean, 
suh,  that  you  are  a  blank  fool;  that  any  man 
who  could  even  entertain  the  thought  of  givin* 
up  the  blankest,  beautifullest  creature  on  earth, 
has  no  dashed  heart;  that  any  man  who  could 
let  cold,  calculating  so'did,  mercenary  consider 
ations  of  how  he  is  goin'  to  make  a  livin'  interfere 
with  his  callin'  that  blank  angel  his  own  is  a  dashed 
coward.  That 's  what  I  mean,  suh,  and  I  repeat 
it." 

Instead  of  getting  angrier  at  the  Major,  the 
knowledge  that  there  was  one  human  being  who 
approved  of  my  marrying  Anita  on  twenty  a 
week  gave  me  my  first  glimmer  of  hope. 

"But,  Major,"  I  protested,  seeking  further 
encouragement,  in  a  low,  sneaking  way,  "you 


3io      JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

must  realise  that  as  I  am  situated  it  would  be 
downright  dishonourable  of  me  to  marry  Anita." 

"You  have  queer  ideas  of  honour,  suh," 
the  Major  snorted.  "Do  you  call  it  honourable, 
might  I  inquire,  to  win  the  heart  of  a  trustin', 
confidin'  girl  with  yo'  blank  Machiavellian  arts 
and  insinuatin'  ways,  and  then  to  throw  her  over; 
do  you  consider  it  honourable  to  discuss  marriage 
with  her  —  don't  you  dare  deny  it,  suh  —  and 
then  to  jilt  her  on  the  very  steps  of  the  altar;  is  it 
a  part  of  yo'  peculiar  code,  suh,  to  lure  a  young 
girl  out  on  to  a  dark  lawn,  compromisin'  her  in 
the  eyes  of  her  childhood's  friends,  and  then  to 
spurn  her  with  a  heartless  laugh  ?  Dash  it  all, 
Jack,  I  can't  stand  fo'  such  treatment  of  her! 
It 's  unmanly;  it 's  inhuman;  it 's  —  it 's  monstrous, 
suh!" 

"Do  you  mean  to  threaten,  Major?"  I  de 
manded  in  a  tone  that  I  tried  to  make  very  fierce. 

"No,  no,  Jack,"  the  Major  protested,  wilting 
at  once.  "Of  cou'se  I  appreciate  that  you  are 
actuated  by  the  highest  and  most  unselfish 
motives " 

"You  doggoned  old  fool,"  I  interrupted,  feel 
ing  inexpressibly  annoyed;  "can't  you  see  I 
want  to  be  threatened?" 

The  Major  gripped  both  my  hands.  "You 
young  rascal!"  he  bellowed  delightedly.  "You 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     311 

come  with  me  or  I  '11  break  every  blank  bone 
in  yo'  body."  And  he  dragged  me  off  to  search 
for  Anita. 

She  saw  us  coming  and  knew  from  the  look  on 
my  face  that  I  was  coming  for  her.  Some  girls 
would  have  played  coy,  but  Anita  was  n't  that 
sort.  She  came  to  meet  me,  and,  as  the  Major 
discreetly  fell  to  the  rear,  she  gave  me  both  hands, 
and  with  them  herself. 

"I  can  make  good,  Anita,  with  you  to  help," 
I  said. 

"You  '11  make  good,  anyway,"  she  answered. 
"  But  I  want  to  be  a  part  of  it." 

"Soon?"  I  insinuated.  "If  you're  going  to 
be  a  poor  man's  wife  you  ought  to  get  away  from 
all  this  demoralising  luxury  at  once  ?  Don't 
keep  me  waiting,  Anita." 

"You  've  been  patient  so  long,  Jack,"  she 
answered  seriously,  "that  this  sudden  impatience 
sounds  a  little  stagey.  You  must  wait" 
and  she  laughed  as  she  saw  my  face  fall  — 
"until  to-morrow  afternoon."  And  then  she 
ran  away  before  I  could  detain  her,  kissing 
her  hand  and  calling  back  that  she  should  be 
frightfully  busy  in  her  room  for  the  rest  of  the 
evening. 

As  there  was  to  be  no  more  Anita,  the  evening 
was  over  so  far  as  I  was  concerned,  and  I  suggested 


312     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

to  the  Major  the  propriety  of  saying  good  night 
and  of  going  back  to  the  hotel,  but  the  old  fellow 
chuckled  and  answered: 

"We  're  not  goin'  back  to-night,  Jack;  we  're 
goin'  to  stay  right  here.  When  Mr.  Corliss  heard 
that  we  had  left  the  Bonsalls  he  sent  his  man 
to  the  hotel  fo'  our  baggage.  And  owin'  to  the 
necessity  of  securin'  his  cooperation  if  we're 
to  get  an  early  start  in  the  mo'nin',  I  think  I  'd 
better  announce  yo*  engagement  to  him,"  which 
he  promptly  did. 

Mr.  Corliss  was  delighted  with  the  news. 
"God  bless  my  soul,  Major!"  he  exclaimed. 
"  I  've  been  waiting  a  year  for  an  occasion  worthy 
of  the  last  of  the  '74.  We  '11  have  it  up  at  once 
and  drink  the  young  folks'  health." 

Mr.  Corliss  routed  out  the  spooners  from  their 
corners,  drove  the  bridge  players  from  their  table, 
and  sent  for  Anita.  Then  the  Major,  at  his  host's 
request,  stood  up,  glass  in  hand,  to  tell  what  it 
was  all  about.  Some  way  Anita  and  I  had  come 
together  and  had  slipped  into  the  background, 
where  we  could  touch  hands  for  a  minute. 

"Owin'  to  the  unfo'tunate  fact  that  I  am  a 
—  er  —  er  —  bachelor,"  the  Major  began,  thrust 
ing  his  unoccupied  hand  in  his  shirt  bosom,  "I 
have  never  been  blessed  with  —  er  —  er  —  off 
spring."  Loud  cries  of  "Hear!  Hear!"  from 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     313 

Mr.  Corliss.  "But  by  a  singular  piece  of  good 
fo'tune  I  have  been  associated  in  my  business 
undertaking  durin'  the  past  year  with  one  fo* 
whom  I  have  come  to  cherish  all  the  feelin's  of  a 
father.  That  Mr.  Spurlock  has  had  the  good 
taste  to  fall  in  love  with  my  ward,  Miss  Grey,  and 
the  good  fo'tune  to  find  that  his  -— er  —  er  — 
sentiments  are  not  distasteful  to  her,  is  a  sou'ce 
of  great  pleasure  to  an  old  fellow  who  has  reached 
that  time  of  life  when  we  find  our  greatest  happi 
ness  in  the  happiness  of  others.  I  give  you  the 
health  of  rny  ward,  Miss  Grey,  and  of  Mr. 
Spurlock." 

There  was  n't  a  wet  eye  or  a  full  glass  at  the  end 
of  this  speech.  Then,  in  the  momentary  silence 
that  followed  the  drinking  of  the  toast,  we  heard 
Owen  Corliss  exclaim  in  a  hoarse,  stage  whisper: 

"His  ward!  Would  n't  that  sting  you  ?  And 
father  introduced  them  four  hours  ago.  I  bet 
he  used  to  propose  on  sight." 

"And  shoot,  too,"  Anita  added  significantly, 
and  she  set  the  seal  of  her  approval  on  the  new 
relationship  by  kissing  the  Major  good  night  and 
running  back  to  her  packing,  for  we  were  to  make 
an  early  start  next  morning. 

As  soon  as  she  was  safely  upstairs  the  Major 
cleared  his  throat,  preparatory  to  firing  his  second 
sensation  at  the  company. 


3i4      JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

"It  was  very  careless  of  me/*  he  began  when 
he  had  secured  the  attention  of  everybody,  "but 
I  clean  fo'got  to  announce  that  the  — er  —  hyme 
neal  knot  will  be  tied  to-morrow  afternoon  at  two, 
and  that  my  ward  wishes  me  to  invite  you  all  to  the 
ceremony  at  St.  Aurea's  and  to  the  weddin' 
breakfast  at  Sherry's.  This  may,  I  know,  seem 
a  little  —  er  —  impetuous,"  he  explained,  in  an 
swer  to  the  murmur  of  astonishment,  "  but  business 
matters  of  great  impo'tance  call  Mr.  Spurlock 
West  to-morrow  night,  and  he  has  a  distaste, 
amountin'  to  a  —  er  —  mania  almost,  fo'  travellin' 
alone!  As  it  is  not  possible  fo'  me  to  get  away  just 

now,  I  fear  that  my  ward  will  have "  The 

rest  was  drowned  in  a  shout  of  laughter. 

The  women  crowded  around  me,  protesting 
that  it  was  all  too  perfectly  lovely,  and  thinking, 
no  doubt,  that  it  was  all  too  perfectly  crazy.  I 
shared  both  beliefs.  What  they  would  have 
thought  if  they  had  known  the  true  inwardness 
of  affairs  —  that  I  was  marrying  on  a  weekly 
salary  of  small  change,  such  as  people  hold  out  to 
drop  in  the  baby's  bank  —  is  too  involved  a  sub 
ject  for  speculation  even.  But,  of  course,  they 
believed  that  I  was  still  the  young  prince,  privi 
leged  to  play  the  fool,  and  able  to  pay  alimony 
regularly  when  I  got  ready  to  settle  down. 

I  firmly  refused  to  figure  in  any  farewell  bach- 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     315 

elor  proceedings,  though  old  Mr.  Corliss  was 
purple  with  pleasure  at  having  so  plausible  a 
pretext  for  getting  comfortably  jingled.  But  in 
my  time  I  had  seen  so  many  fellows  stop  on  the 
way  from  a  Turkish  bath  to  call  at  the  altar  for 
their  brides  that  I  had  no  stomach  for  the  game. 
I  managed  to  get  away  and  to  take  the  Major 
with  me,  though  rather  against  his  will,  on  the 
plea  that  there  were  still  some  important  details  to 
be  settled.  But  I  really  wanted  a  chance  to  ask 
him  what  he  meant  by  inviting  all  those  people  to 
a  church  wedding  and  a  breakfast  at  Sherry's. 
And  once  we  were  in  our  room  I  lost  no  time  in 
doing  it. 

"That,  suh,  is  none  of  yo'  business,"  the  Major 
answered,  "but  I  don't  mind  tellin'  you.  It's 
because  I  don't  propose  that  my  ward  shall  be 
married  befo'  a  magistrate  like  a  blank  parlour 
maid.  Somethin',  suh,  is  due  to  her  birth  and 
breedin'!" 

"  But  think  of  the  expense  of  all  this,  Major," 
I  protested.  "You  know  I  - 

"I  will  think  of  it  in  due  time,  suh,  when  the 
bills  come  in.  But  what  the  deuce  do  you  mean 
by  thinkin'  of  it  ?  What  do  you  mean  by  thinkin' 
of  anything  except  yo'  affianced  bride  ?  Dash  it 
all,  Jack,  this  perpetual  penny-shavin'  and  dollar- 
hoardin'  is  the  only  thing  I  don't  like  about  you. 


3i6     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

You  must  overcome  it,  suh,  if  you  're  ever  goin* 
to  get  on  in  the  world.  The  only  thing  you  've 
got  to  do  with  this  weddin'  is  to  answer  yes  when 
you  're  spoken  to  and  to  fee  the  clergyman." 

"  But  I  can't  even  fee  him  until  after  I  've 
touched  the  Governor,"  I  explained,  "unless  I 
do  it  with  the  hundred  you  lent  me.  And  father  's 
likely  to  go  right  up  in  the  air  when  I  begin  to 
talk  the  woolly  West  and  this  wild  wedding  to 
him." 

"I  think,  suh,  I  can  make  him  understand  that 
my  ward  has  done  him  an  honour  in  consentin' 
to  an  alliance  with  a  member  of  his  family,"  the 
Major  returned,  bridling  a  little.  "  It  is  scarcely 
necessary  fo'  me  to  info'm  you,  suh,  that  the  best 
and  the  oldest  blood  in  the  state  flows  in  the  veins 
of  our  er — the  Greys.  It  may  be  mo'  difficult 
to  make  Mr.  Spurlock  see  that  yo'  Western 
plans  deserve  the  same  measure  of  approbation. 
But  whatever  he  says,  Jack,  don't,  I  implo'  you, 
do  anythin'  to  excite  him.  Leave  it  all  to  me. 
Tact  and  diplomacy  will  coax  along  the  stubbo'n- 
nest  mule  when  twistin'  his  tail  won't  budge 
him." 

I  promised,  and  we  went  to  bed.  The  Major, 
in  lieu  of  prayers  probably,  had  a  habit  of  spend 
ing  the  first  few  minutes  after  the  lights  were  out 
in  moral  and  philosophical  reflections,  based  on 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     317 

the  occurrences  of  the  day,  and  then  of  imparting 
his  conclusions  to  me.  To-night  was  no  exception. 

"I  reckon  you  were  right,  Jack,  in  cuttin'  out 
that  bachelor  blowout,  though  it  did  seem  just  a 
little  ungracious  to  yo'  host.  It  might  have  re 
sulted  in  a  regrettable  over-stimulation  of 
some  of  the  younger  men,  fo'  this  blank  genera 
tion  don't  seem  to  hold  its  liquor  right  —  you 
noticed  how  that  young  fellow  was  startin'  in  to 
guzzle  his  cocktail  ?  And  he  swilled  that  seventy- 
fo'  champagne  like  a  blank  shoat  —  all  stomach 
and  no  palate." 

"Then  you  've  come  around  to  my  way  of  think 
ing,"  I  commented;  "and  you  don't  really  believe 
that  it 's  good  business  for  a  young  man  to  drink." 

"  I  did  n't  say  that,  Jack,"  the  Major  returned 
cautiously,  "  but  I  will  say  that  I  don't  believe  it 's 
good  business  fo'  a  young  man  to  get  drunk.  A 
fellow  has  to  have  a  mighty  level  head  to  play 
around  the  edges  of  hell  without  fallin'  in,"  and 
the  Major  gave  a  prodigious  yawn,  ending  in  a 
chuckle.  "  I  've  met  some  mighty  fine  people 
here  to-night,  what  the  niggers  used  to  call  real 
quality  folks,  but  I  don't  know  what  to  make 
of  some  of  the  women,"  he  went  on.  "You 
know  that  Miss  Moore  ? —  a  regular  young  Juno, 
suh.  Well,  dash  it  all,  if  she  did  n't  confide  to  me 
that  her  father  haci  promised  her  ten  thousand 


3i8     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

dollars  if  she  would  n't  smoke  until  she  was 
twenty-one.  Said  it  would  stunt  her  growth! 
What  do  you  think  of  that,  suh?" 

"  I  don't  think,  so  long  as  I  don't  have  to  marry 
her,"  I  yawned.  "I  'm  a  young  man  of  one  idea, 
and  just  now  that  happens  to  be  Anita.  Thank 
the  Lord  she  does  n't  smoke,  for  my  salary  would 
be  just  about  cigarette  money  for  her,"  and  I 
turned  over  and  pretended  to  go  to  sleep. 

Mr.  Corliss  broke  the  regular  habits  of  a  life 
time  by  getting  up  before  nine  next  morning  and 
seeing  us  off  in  one  of  his  motors.  Our  baggage 
was  already  on  the  way  to  New  York  in  charge 
of  his  men.  "  I  '11  be  waiting  at  the  church,"  the 
old  fellow  called  out  jovially  as  we  sputtered  away 
from  his  door,  and  then  we  settled  back,  Anita 
between  the  Major  and  me,  for  the  run  through 
the  sharp  morning  air. 

Anita  and  I  were  n't  very  talky,  for  with  the 
Major  there  beside  us  we  could  n't  talk  about  the 
only  thing  in  the  world  worth  mentioning,  but  she 
gave  me  some  silent  treatments  with  her  eyes  that 
were  mighty  comforting.  I  don't  believe  that 
we  'd  have  said  much  even  if  we  'd  been  alone. 
The  Major,  too,  during  the  first  part  of  the  ride, 
was  silent.  His  face  reflected  a  judicious  mixture 
of  dignity  and  joy,  which  told  me  that  he  was 
alternately  thinking  over  the  coming  battle  with 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     319 

the  Governor  and  his  part  in  the  wedding  cere 
mony.  Finally,  however,  he  seemed  to  have 
conned  over  his  roles  in  both  affairs  to  his  satis 
faction,  and  then,  mile  by  mile,  his  spirits 
mounted  until  they  culminated  in  a  burst  of 
melancholy  song: 

Oh!  they  buried  her  down  in  Geo'gia, 

Darlin'  Nellie  that  I  loved  so  true, 
And  the  cypress  weeps  over  her  tombstone, 

And  the 

"Dash  it  all,  Jack!  I  reckon  you  may  be  right 
about  quittin'  New  York,"  he  broke  off  suddenly. 
"  It 's  as  bad  to  be  rich  there  as  it  is  to  be  po'. 
The  only  people  who  get  any  fun  out  of  livin'  in 
the  blank  town  are  those  who  have  just  enough 
so  that  they  can  pity  the  po'  and  envy  the  rich/' 

"Then  you'd  better  leave  it,  Major,"  I  an 
swered,  voicing  a  thought  which  had  been  in  my 
mind  all  along,  "and  follow  us  out  to  God's 
country." 

"That's  worth  considering  suh,"  the  Major 
returned  enthusiastically.  "I  have  always  had 
a  great  partiality  fo'  the  West;  a  strange,  and,  as 
I  look  at  it  now,  a  prophetic  conviction  that  I 
should  end  my  days  there.  While  the  interests 
of  the  trottin'  ho'se  have  always  had  a  peculiar 
hold  on  my  affections,  we  seldom  find  it  possible 
to  marry  our  first  sweethearts,  and  it  would  be 


320     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

a  not  ignoble  ambition  to  improve  the  breed  of 
the  American  steer.  Much  has  been  done,  suh, 
toward  sho'tenin'  the  ho'ns  of  that  useful  animal. 
I  firmly  believe  that  by  careful  selection  and 
breedin'  the  blank  ho'ns  can  be  eliminated 
altogether!'* 

"  I  should  n't  be  surprised,  Major,"  I  returned 
judicially,  though  I  did  n't  know  just  why  any 
one  should  want  to  eliminate  the  blank  horns. 
"It  would  be  worth  trying,  anyway." 

"Worth  tryin',  suh!  The  man  who  can  accom 
plish  that  will  be  a  benefactor  of  the  race  whom 
comin'  generations  will  delight  to  honah.  Jack, 
this  all  sounds  mighty  good  to  me.  There  is 
somethin'  about  the  freedom  and  dignity  of  ranch 
life  which  appeals  to  me  powerfully.  I  have 
often  dreamed,  suh,  of  sittin'  under  my  own  vine 
and  fig  tree,  watchin'  the  cattle  on  a  thousand  hills 
fattenin*  themselves  fo'  my  pleasure  and  profit. 
And  there 's  somethin'  in  the  Western  climate 
which  breeds  men.  They  grow  tall  at  that  alti 
tude,  and  have  big  hearts.  The  mountains  teach 
them  to  hate  the  little,  mean,  triflin'  things.  They 
tell  the  truth  out  there,  suh,  fo'  the  lie  means  a 
blow.  And  when  a  man  has  to  fight  when  he  's 
called  a  liar,  he's  mighty  careful  about  how  he 
lies.  But  if  one  man  calls  another. a  liar  in  this 
blank  town,  what  happens?  Nothin',  suh!  He 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     321 

simply  says,  'You're  another/  and  by  Geo'ge, 
suh!  they're  both  satisfied,  because  it's  true." 

In  such  fashion  did  the  Major  beguile  the 
journey  until  we  had  dropped  Anita,  to  meet  her 
again  at  the  church  door,  and  had  dismissed  the 
car  in  front  of  the  Governor's  building. 

There  was  quite  a  craning  of  necks  and  whisper 
ing  among  the  clerks  when  we  entered  the  office, 
but  it  stopped  suddenly  when  the  Major  inquired 
loudly  of  Horton,  the  Governor's  secretary,  whether 
he  was  "runnin'  a  blank  rubberneck  wagon." 
He  left  me  in  the  outer  room  saying:  "I  reckon 
I  'd  better  go  in  first  and  prepare  yo'  father,"  a 
proposition  to  which  I  assented  readily  enough, 
for  I  felt  that  I  needed  a  little  preparing  myself. 

The  Major  returned  in  a  minute  and  whispered: 
"Come  along,  Jack,  though  I  fear  .we  have  hit  on 
a  singularly  unfo'tunate  day.  From  the  fluency 
with  which  yo'  father 's  cussin'  the  market,  it  looks 
as  if  you  might  have  come  home  to  a  skinned  bull, 
instead  of  a  fatted  calf." 

I  need  n't  have  been  afraid.  The  great  scene 
for  which  I  had  been  steeling  myself  began  as 
tamely  as  the  opening  of  a  Sunday  School,  though 
not  with  prayer.  Whatever  the  object  of  the 
Governor's  wrath,  he  lacked  that  versatility  in 
anger  which  would  have  enabled  him  to  shift  it 
to  me.  He  was  standing  at  the  ticker  when  I 


322      JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

entered  the  room,  cussing  to  himself  with  a  mo 
notonous  repetition  of  epithet.  As  I  had  once 
pointed  out  to  him,  he  should  n't  have  sworn,  for 
he  lacked  that  gift  of  improvisation  which  alone 
can  justify  the  use  of  strong  language. 

He  dropped  the  tape  when  he  saw  me,  took  my 
hand,  and,  in  a  voice  which  he  vainly  tried  to 
make  less  of  a  growl,  told  me  to  sit  down. 

"I  'm  glad  to  see  you  Jack,  but  I  can't  talk  to 
you  but  a  minute  now,  for  I  'm  up  to  my  ears  in 
work  to-day;  you'd  better  take  the  Major  to  the 
house  and  we  '11  all  dine  together  to-night." 

I  was  about  to  reply  that  I  had  business  on 
hand  which  would  n't  wait,  when  the  Major 
exploded : 

"We're  not  goin'  to  do  anything  of  the  so't. 
You  go  right  on  with  yo'  cussin,'  suh,  and  Jack 
and  I  will  sit  down  here  until  you  need  a  little 
breathin'  spell.  Then  we  '11  talk  to  you.  Jack 
has  some  things  to  say  that  won't  hold  over  till 
evenin'." 

The  Governor  looked  annoyed,  and  seemed 
to  be  on  the  point  of  ordering  us  out,  but  he  thought 
better  of  it.  There  appeared  to  be  some  curious 
bond  of  sympathy,  and  of  affection  even,  between 
him  and  the  Major,  which  was  utterly  inexplicable 
on  any  rational  grounds.  Their  friendship  was 
apparently  based  on  one  of  those  attractions  of 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL      323 

opposites  which  makes  people  exclaim:  "What 
does  she  see  in  him  ?" 

Finally,  the  Governor  reluctantly  surrendered 
the  tape  and  came  over  to  us. 

"  I  don't  suppose  there  's  any  particular  use  in 
following  the  details  of  this  damned  robbery  any 
further,"  he  growled.  "Let's  hear  about  your 
business,  Jack." 

"What  have  they  been  doin'  to  you,  Spurlock  ?" 
the  Major  inquired  genially.  "  Yo'  face  is  so  long 
and  yo'  manner  so  sho't  that  I  judge  the  blank 
market  has  whip-sawed  you." 

"  I  've  been  held  up,"  the  Governor  growled 
fiercely.  "They've  taken  away  the  railroad  to 
which  I  Ve  given  my  life's  blood  for  the  last  ten 
years  —  the  railroad  that  I've  built  up  from  noth 
ing  into  a  great  system.  That 's  what  the  damned 
scoundrels  have  done,  Major,  but  I  '11  make  them 
sweat  for  it  yet.  I  '11  teach  them  to  trespass  on 
my  side  of  the  fence  if  it  takes  the  last  dollar 
I  've  got."  And  the  Governor  quivered  with 
honest  indignation. 

I  don't  know  much  about  the  railroad  business, 
but  I  had  received  the  impression  from  the  news 
papers  that  it  was  the  railroad,  and  not  the  Gov 
ernor,  which  had  given  up  its  life's  blood  as  a 
consequence  of  their  association.  I  remembered 
that  whenever  the  press  was  short  of  a  financial 


324     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

scandal  it  told  how  he  had  bought  I.  &.  P. 
for  nothing,  had  issued  the  whole  fifty-seven 
varieties  of  railroad  securities  against  the  pur 
chase  price,  and  had  declared  a  10  per  cent,  semi 
annual  deficit  ever  since.  But  that 's  a  detail. 
Apparently  he  had  lost  this  valuable  nothing  and 
felt  sore  about  it. 

"You  don't  mean  to  tell  me  that  you've  lost 
control  of  Illinois  and  Pacific?"  the  Major 
inquired  incredulously.  "That  would  be  a  hellish 
piece  of  business,  suh." 

"  That 's  what  I  do  mean  —  it 's  been  stolen  by 
that  Bonsall  bunch  of  high-binders." 

"But  how  could  that  happen,  suh,  when  you 
own  the  controllin*  interest  ?"  the  Major  persisted. 

"Owned,"  the  Governor  corrected  bitterly. 
"  There  's  no  harm  in  telling  you  the  story  now, 
for  the  papers  will  have  it  to-morrow.  I  saw  this 
panic  coming  and  foolishly  let  go  a  good  deal 
of  my  stock  —  enough  to  lose  control,  in  fact  — 
expecting  to  make  a  little  turn  and  pick  it  up 
lower.  Then,  when  things  got  pretty  well  down, 
I  picked  up  a  big  line  of  Chicago  and  Seattle, 
Bonsall's  road,  before  I  tried  to  get  back  my 
Illinois  and  Pacific.  As  you  know,  C.  &  S.  is 
a  much  better  dividend  payer,  and  it  was  bound  to 
respond  on  the  upward  movement  before  I.  &  P.  It 
never  occurred  to  me  that  that  unscrupulous 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     325 

Bonsall  would  dare  to  cut  in  behind  me  and  steal 
my  own  road.  But  he  did,  as  I  've  found  out  since 
I  tried  to  get  back  my  stock.  The  minute  I  went 
into  the  market  for  it,  I.  &  P.  jumped  like  a  jack 
rabbit,  while  C.  &  S.  has  only  gone  up  a  few  points." 

Someway  this  business  that  the  Governor  was 
talking  about  had  a  familiar  ring  —  and  then  I 
remembered.  I  had  heard  scraps  of  conversation 
about  this  very  deal  while  I  was  at  the  Bonsalls, 
without  understanding  at  the  time  what  it  all 
meant.  I  had  n't  even  connected  I.  &  P.  with 
the  Governor. 

"Why!"  I  exclaimed,  speaking  as  usual  without 
thinking,  "that  must  have  been  what  they  were 
always  talking  over  at  the  Bonsalls!" 

The  Governor  rounded  on  me  with  a  jump  like 
a  polo  pony:  "At  the  Bonsalls,  eh!  You've  been 
at  the  Bonsalls  have  you  ?  Siding  with  the  enemies 
of  your  own  father  again  ?" 

I  stifled  the  hot  answer  that  came  to  my  lips, 
and  before  I  could  give  a  tactful  one  the  Major 
replied  for  me: 

"Yes,  suh,  earnin'  an  honest  livin'  there, 
after  his  own  father  had  turned  him  from  his  do'." 

I  was  too  excited  by  an  idea  which  had  just  come 
to  me  to  care  a  rap  now  for  either  the  Governor's 
reproaches  or  the  Major's  heroics,  so  instead  of 
supplementing  his  explanation,  I  burst  out: 


326     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

"Why,  Governor!  I  believe  that  the  Bonsalls 
have  been  up  to  the  same  game  as  you  have. 
I  know  that  they  sold  a  lot  of  their  C.  &  S.  while 
they  were  buying  your  I.  &  P.,  expecting  to  get 
it  back  lower.  They  only  hold  control  of  C.  &  S. 
now  through  the  Antrim  estate  stock,  unless 
they  Ve  taken  back  the  rest  of  their  own  stock 
during  the  last  week,  but  the  Antrim  people  are 
friendly  to  them.  If  you  could  buy  that  Antrim 
stock  and  add  it  to  what  you  Ve  got,  you  'd  simply 
have  swapped  railroads,  and  have  a  bang  up 
dividend-paying  system,  instead  of  a  bum  jerk 
water  one." 

It  was  as  if  some  one  had  handed  the  Governor 
a  ticket  for  a  fourth-row  seat  on  the  aisle  in  heaven. 
Without  a  word  he  reached  for  the  telephone  and 
called  up  his  man  on  the  floor. 

"Give  them  as  much  of  our  I.  &  P.  as  they 
want,"  he  ordered.  "Buy  all  the  C.  &  S.  you 
can  get  without  running  the  price  up  too  fast  — 
yes,  that 's  what  I  said.  All  —  you  —  can  —  buy. 
Round  up  your  men  and  get  busy." 

"Jack,"  he  said,  turning  to  me  as  he  dropped 
the  receiver.  "You  're  not  such  a  damn  fool 
as  I  thought." 

"Thank  you,  sir,"  I  answered  modestly.  "I 
could  have  given  you  first  hand  information  about 
that  long  ago." 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     327 

"And  you  even  seem  to  have  some  natural  talent 
for  high  finance,"  he  continued. 

"You  don't  call  that  high  finance,  do  you?" 
I  asked.  "There's  more  high  finance  than  that 
in  a  poker  game  —  and  more  honour,"  I  added, 
but  that  last  was  to  myself. 

"That 's  his  blank  pose,  suh,"  the  Major  broke 
in.  "  Pretendin*  all  the  time  that  he  does  n't 
know  anythin*  about  business.  But  he  can't 
deceive  me  any  mo*.  He 's  shrewd,  Spurlock, 
as  I  Ve  been  tellin*  you  all  along;  and  he  simply 
has  a  genius  fo'  finance." 

The  Governor  reached  for  his  hat.  "I  'm 
going  to  get  the  right  man  after  that  Antrim  stock. 
They  Ve  been  hit  in  thj  panic,  and  a  good  price 
will  buy  it,  if  they  think  it 's  going  to  interests 
that  are  friendly  to  Bonsall.  Oh,  I  '11  see  that 
it  gets  into  friendly  hands !  Gad !  but  Bonsall  shall 
sweat  for  this.  You  stay  right  here  till  I  get  back, 
Jack.  I  *m  not  going  to  forget  this." 

"  And  I  '11  walk  down  the  street  with  you,"  the 
Major  ventured.  Then,  in  an  aside  to  me:  "You 
wait  here  and  I  '11  break  it  to  him  about  yo' 
marriage.  This  is  the  psychological  moment," 
and  he  followed  the  Governor. 

They  were  back  in  an  hour,  the  Major's  face 
graver  and  the  Governor's  sterner  than  I  had 
hoped  to  see  them.  My  heart  sank  again. 


328     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

"I  Ve  got  that  stock,  Jack,  where  I  can  take 
it  over  when  I  need  it,"  the  Governor  began. 
"And  I  'm  going  to  teach  that  dog  Bonsall  to 
keep  his  hands  off  my  property.  But  not  a  word 
of  this  outside,  understand  ?" 

"I  understand,"  I  nodded.  "And  now  about 
my  own  affairs.  The  Major  has  told  you  that 
I  am  planning  to  get  married  ?" 

"Whether  I  approve  or  not  ?"  and  there  was  a 
little  growl  in  the  Governor's  voice. 

"I  should  like  to  get  married  with  your 
approval,"  I  returned. 

"  But  you  '11  do  it  anyway,  you  mean." 

"That  's  about  it,"  I  admitted. 

"What  on?"  the  Governor  demanded.  "On 
me?" 

"No,  sir,"  I  returned,  a  little  sharply  "I  want 
nothing  of  you  but  your  presence  at  the  ceremony 
and  your  good  wishes." 

"What  is  this  salary  that  Bill's  going  to  give  you  ?" 

"Twenty  dollars  a  week,"  I  answered,  blushing 
in  spite  of  myself. 

"It  has  been  done;  it  can  be  done  again,  I 
suppose,  on  twenty  a  week,  but  I  should  n't 
have  picked  you  as  a  likely  subject  for  the 
experiment,"  the  Governor  exploded.  "It's 
all  damfoolishness.  You  '11  be  back  home 
whimpering  for  help  in  sixty  days." 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     329 

"  If  you  feel  that  way  about  it,  father,  there  's 
nothing  more  to  be  said,"  and  I  stood  up.  "  But 
I  am  going  to  marry  Anita  at  two  and  leave  for 
the  West  on  the  night  express.  I  did  want  to 
part  friends  with  you." 

"I  said  this  was  all  damfoolishness,  and  I 
repeat  it,"  the  Governor  roared,  standing  up,  too. 
"  But  hang  it  all,  Jack,  I  'm  proud  of  you  for  it. 
You  bet  I  'm  going  to  the  wedding,  and  I  'm 
going  to  have  the  sweetest  girl  in  New  York  for 
my  daughter-in-law.  Getting  you  married  to  her 
is  like  tying  you  up  in  trust.  Now  you  run  right 
along  to  Anita  and  draw  what  you  want  from  the 
cashier  on  the  way  out;  I  won't  holler  if  you  do 
act  a  little  hoggish.  Horton  was  told  to  honour 
your  drafts  six  months  ago." 

"You  don't  know  what  it  means  to  me,  father  - 
not  the  money,  but  to  feel  that  we  're  friends  again," 
was  all  that  I  could  find  to  say.      "The  wedding's 
at  two  sharp,  at  St.  Aurea's." 

"Make  it  three-thirty,"  the  Governor  replied. 
"I  've  got  to  keep  in  touch  with  the  market  till 
the  close." 

"It  can't  be  done,"  I  returned.  "Anita  has 
set  the  hour  at  two." 

"It  must  be  done,"  the  Governor  returned. 

Another  split  seemed  imminent,  but  the  Major 
jumped  in  between  us  with  a  little  of  that 


330     JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

diplomacy  which  he  had  talked  about  the 
night  before. 

"  By  Geo'ge,  Spurlock !  I  'm  ashamed  of  you ! " 
he  fairly  yelled,  shaking  his  cane  at  the  Governor. 
"Can't  you  stop  this  blank  chase  fo'  the  dirty 
dollar  long  enough  to  see  yo'  own  flesh  and  blood 
married  ?  Are  you  goin'  to  keep  the  blankest, 
loveliest  woman  in  New  York  waitin'  at  the  altar 
while  you  grab  a  little  mo'  filthy  lucre  ?  Why, 
dash  it  all,  man,  I  would  n't  let  myself  act  the 
hog  like  that  fo'  yo'  whole  blank  railroad." 

The  Governor  never  blinked  during  this  tirade, 
but  when  the  Major  was  through  he  turned  to  me 
and  said  gruffly: 

"I  '11  be  there  at  two,  Jack."  That  was  as  near 
as  he  could  come  to  apologising. 

I  did  stop  at  the  cashier's,  and  drew  a  little  of 
the  Governor's  tainted  money.  Then  I  turned  to 
the  Major,  who  had  followed  me  out,  and  observed : 

"A  little  more  diplomacy  like  that  last,  Major, 
and  you  '11  make  me  an  outcast  for  life." 

The  Major  smiled.  "My  deah  Jack,"  he 
replied,  "have  n't  you  learned  yet  that  the  way 
to  handle  yo'  father  is  to  beat  him  with  yo'  bare 
fists,  and  then  to  kick  him  when  he  's  down  ?"  and 
he  started  off  to  arrange  matters  at  the  church. 

Smart  marriages  may  be  made  in  Newport  or  in 
Europe,  but  they  must  be  celebrated  in  St.  Aurea's. 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     331 

When  I  reached  the  church,  I  found  that  the  magic 
of  the  Governor's  money  had  set  a  dozen  florists 
to  work,  and  so  we  had  the  flowers  and  the  music 
and  everything  that  goes  with  a  big  wedding, 
except  the  curious  crowd  in  the  church  and  the 
indecent  one  in  the  street.  Owen  Corliss  acted 
as  best  man,  the  Major  gave  the  bride  away, 
managing  to  convey  the  impression  that  he  was 
handing  over  a  princess  of  the  royal  blood  to  a 
base-born  churl,  and  my  old  friend,  the  rector  of 
St.  Aurea's,  read  the  service  in  that  rich,  unctuous 
voice  with  which  he  always  blessed  a  union  of 
millions.  I  could  n't  help  thinking  how  horrified 
he  would  have  been  if  he  'd  known  that  he  was 
wasting  those  chest  notes  on  paupers. 

The  breakfast  at  Sherry's  was  a  merry  affair. 
The  Governor  kissed  the  bride  and  told  her  that 
a  year  of  roughing  it  in  the  West  would  n't  hurt 
either  of  us,  but  that  he  expected  us  back  at  the 
end  of  that  time  to  take  our  proper  place  in  the 
world.  Then  he  handed  her  ten  thousand 
dollars  with  which  to  furnish  our  cabin  in  the 
wilderness. 

The  Major,  faithful  to  the  last,  accompanied 
us  to  the  station  to  see  us  off.  There  we  found  the 
Governor's  private  car  attached  to  the  train  to  take 
me  to  my  twenty-dollar  job,  and  the  coloured 
porter,  an  old  friend  of  mine,  grinning  a  welcome. 


332      JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL 

"Yo*  father  and  I,  Jack,"  began  the  Major,  as 
he  settled  us  on  board,  "are  plannin*  to  make  a 
little  inspection  tour  of  his  new  system  next  month, 
and  we  shall  stop  off  fo'  a  visit  in  Canon  City. 
If,  suh,  the  amazin'  account  of  the  resources  of 
Colorado  which  I  find  in  this  pamphlet  is 
accurate,"  and  he  tapped  a  railroad  folder  in 
his  hand,  "  I  think  I  shall  look  around  preliminary 
to  settlin'  down  there." 

Just  then  the  brakeman  shouted  the  warning 
"All  aboard,"  and  our  good-byes  began. 

"Major,"  I  said,  as  he  dropped  to  the  platform 
after  a  last  "  God  bless  you !"  "  I  Ve  discovered 
the  Big  Idea!" 

The  Major's  face  lit  up  with  the  fine  old  enthu 
siasm.  "What  is  it,  Jack  ?"  he  shouted  excitedly. 

"Get  a  job  and  work  like  the  devil,"  I  yelled 
back,  and  the  old  fellow  shook  his  stick  at  me. 

Inside  Anita  was  waiting  for  me.  "  Well,  dear," 
I  said,  sitting  down  beside  her,  "between  the 
Governor's  cheque  and  this  private  car  they  've 
rather  managed  to  turn  our  little  problem  play  into 
a  comic  opera." 

"But  you  won't  let  them,  Jack,  will  you  ?"  she 
asked  earnestly,  taking  my  hand. 

"Not  if  you  can  be  happy  out  there,"  I  answered. 

"Happiness  does  n't  depend  on  longitude, 
but  on  ourselves,  dear." 


JACK  SPURLOCK— PRODIGAL     333 

"Then  we  '11  be  happy." 

A  long  silence.     Then: 

"I  like  the  Major  enormously,  Jack;  he's  a 
perfect  old  love.  But  are  you  quite  sure,  dear, 
that  he  has  a  good  influence  on  you?" 

I  laughed  —  a  horrid  laugh,  Anita  said.  For 
the  first  time  I  realised  that  I  was  a  married  man. 


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